Last June I (F37) found out my husband (M39) was having an affair with my sister (F27). I had been married for a month. Their affair began before I was engaged. My sister’s husband (M27) was the one who first found out. When it was discovered, my sister was about 8 months pregnant with a baby girl and it turned out my ex-husband is the father. Apparently he was furious when he found out because he didn’t want children. (My ex-husband and I met in an online dating group for people who don’t want children, or to date people who have children from former relationships). My ex-husband and my sister both begged me to forgive them. My sister said she can’t help it that she fell in love him and my ex-husband said he couldn’t be blamed for what happened. I couldn’t believe they thought what they did could be forgiven and forgotten. My ex-husband didn’t want a divorce and neither did my sister from my former brother-in-law.
I’m divorced now. I’m an advocate (known as a barrister in the rest of the UK) so I was fortunate to already know the best solicitors who could represent me in my divorce. Since I was only married for a month before I sought a divorce and moved out of our flat, I did not have to pay my ex-husband maintenance and the divorce did not take long. It’s a different story for my sister and my former brother-in-law. They were married for longer, they own property and they have a son together (he was 17 months old when the affair was discovered). My sister may end up having to pay spousal and child maintenance since she earns more. Their divorce is ongoing. I haven’t spoken with my former brother-in-law since I first left my ex-husband but I feel badly for him. He was devastated when he found out about the affair and the baby not being his child. He didn’t deserve any of that.
People who say you should just get over it when someone cheats on you have no idea. I have never felt pain like this before. It wasn’t even just emotional. It was physical as well. I’m still heartbroken over this. I had no idea anything could hurt so much. I’m going to start seeing a counsellor but it doesn’t feel like enough. I haven’t seen or spoken to my ex-husband since I moved out of our flat. The only contact during the divorce was through our solicitors. He’s dead to me and so is my sister. I haven’t seen or spoken to my sister since shortly after I left my ex-husband and I never want to see her again. She’s dead to me. I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this. I’m fortunate my parents, my other sister and most of my family support me and have disowned my traitor sister and no longer have contact with her. Anyone who tells me I should forgive her or chooses her over me gets removed from my life with no second chance. I don’t ever want to hear anything about either one of them again. From what my ex-husband’s solicitor said during my divorce they (sister and ex-husband) plan to marry after she is granted a divorce. I haven’t heard anything about either one of them since then. I try not to even think about either of them. They were two of the people I loved most in the world and they did something that I’ll never heal from. They are selfish and they destroyed me. Anyone who says I should get over this or forgive and forget has no idea what it is like.
Comments
I’m so sorry ❤️. I hope the sun shines for you again in time.
Thank you for the update. You and your BIL are both making the best possible decision. You’re right — your ex and your ex-sister ARE horrible, selfish people. They hurt so many people!
Do whatever you can to protect your peace and mental health. I’m so sorry they did this to you. Honestly, I’d recommend blocking anyone who says you need to forgive them and move on. No, you don’t. You may at some point in the future need to explore forgiveness from the point of view of easing the weight on YOUR heart. But don’t feel pressured to offer forgiveness to either of them.
I wish you the best of luck in the future!!!
I am so sorry. Nevermind your ex, what a betrayal from your own sister. I couldn’t even imagine.
You did best for yourself, nor every action can be forgiven.
You’re completely right, that betrayal is pain beyond belief! Do try to turn your hatred to indifference, though. Hate isn’t good for your health.
Wishing you good fortune on your next adventure!
I hope you get the therapy you need to get you through this heartache.
I’m so sorry. What they did is unforgivable. Sending hugs. ❤️
They are trash. They deserve each other!
This is horrific. I am sorry that anyone is ignorant enough to tell you to get over it. Impossible. The betrayal by your sister, especially. If you were my daughters I would struggle to maintain my relationship with your sister. It is not on you to get over anything
I will truly never understand why people cheat. If you’re that unhappy end the relationship FFS.
OP I am glad you got out and I wish only the best for you going forward.
Neither your sister nor your ex deserve to have you in their life.
Reading this hurt me inside. I hope you find a coping mechanism to get you through this tough time. These scars don’t really heal, but they do fade enough to allow you to move forward.
Fuck her and him. You don’t have to ever justify your feelings to anyone ever. You were betrayed by someone who should never betray you. You were hurt by someone who should have loved and cherished you. Fuck them both to hell.
Move forward. Don’t look back.
It’s not easy healing journey. But remember it might looks difficult but not impossible.trash got trash. Lucky no kids involved from your side other wise we be different story . Take a day by day . I feel bad for brother in law.I hope you guys find happiness.
What a doubling blow – I’m so sorry they did this to you. I question (and can’t answer) which is the greater betrayal. I wish you nothing but peace and sunny skies for the rest of your days, and a love so strong that you’ll want to go back and thank those amoral trogs for setting you free.
I’m so sorry, that is such a betrayal on so many counts. Please stick with your counseling, it won’t make the pain go away, but teach you how to process it. I wish you healing.
Do something really special for yourself. A trip, an activity, a shopping spree, whatever it is. You deserve whatever small joys you can find.
As much as it hurts, think about them together, her just having had a baby, and he gets distant or angry or aloof…she will forever be looking over her shoulder wondering if he’s cheating. She deserves to live in that misery. They might stay together but they’ll be miserable.
I’m very sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully, you’ll feel better soon, but it will take dome work. Thankfully you have your parents support.
I hope you don’t mind me asking a practical question: why a divorce and not an annulment?
Good luck with everything, I wish you.muvh strength.
Why are they getting married when he didn’t want kids?
The same thing happened with me and my young brother. It destroyed our family or better said, my family doesn’t know the meaning of family to do something like that. My mother did the same with her sister. To me, all of them are dead, simple as that. Good luck healing, because it may take a very long time.
Crazy. Cheaters are no good
Thank you for the update.
I feel for you and Im glad you are out of that marriage. Stay strong OP, surely you will find love again.
Damn, it’s ridiculous to expect you to forgive them, that had to hurt but at least you found out early on and didn’t waste your life with a cheater who disrespects you by nailing your own sister, and a sister who doesn’t give a shit about you or her own husband. I hope that you find happiness and peace.
Since you are very familiar with good solicitors and the system, you might advise BIL. Make sure he gets some good help in court too.
In time, you’ll feel better. Maybe next year, maybe 8 months, maybe 3 years. There will be a day when nothing hurts anymore and you feel normal again. You’ll be ready to find the right one for you then. Go through the emotions, take your time, and have no pressure.
The two people who you loved most let you down in the most soul destroying way.
You will never be able to forgive and forget. What you can do is go ahead with therapy and come out stronger.
As for those 2, they will end one lonely, even if they stay together and that’s a big if.
Stay strong.
One for the most fucked up things you could do to your sibling!
Them getting married mind blogging!! They need to stay together so they don’t go ruining other peoples lives with their mess!
Ex bil gonna have to endure these garbage people for the next 18 years! Hope he gets into therapy
I remember your OP. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since that went down. I’m so sorry for everything you went through. I’m glad your family is backing you up, and hopefully, in time, you will heal. Please ignore anyone saying, “Just get over it.” They are not well-adjusted people. You lost not only your husband from these selfish decisions but a sister! I’m sure their impending nuptials will crash and burn. Good luck to you!
Bad enough when your husband cheats with someone you don’t know…but a sister?!? Yeah. They both gotta go…permanently. You can never trust your sister again.
That’s the ultimate betrayal. Neither of those people deserve even a millisecond more of your time or thoughts. Delete them permanently from your mental and emotional files and go on to live your best life- without either one of them.
OMFG. Be tender with yourself and radiate grace. You got this temporary feeling. This too shall pass and you will live and grow. ♡♡♡
I’m very curious what your ex’s reasons were that he was blameless?
Did he confess to love your sister as well or was he disgusted?
How did their affair even start?
Be glad you found out early and got away. His karma is he’s now stuck with your sister and vice Versa
You should forgive them both. That might be a bit soon though. Forgiving them is for you so you thrive and leave them both behind you forever. They’re both dead to you and we should forgive the dead. Not one more minute spent thinking about them and three holidays a year.
OP, please use your connections to help your ex-BIL.
I am shocked that there are people out there who think what your sister did to you is forgivable. I too would never be able to get over that level of betrayal. And she plans to marrying him!! Clearly she doesn’t regret it enough. I am glad your family sides with you.
Yes, the ex is unforgivable too. But he is a nobody now.
OP I am sorry this happened to you.
You’re right. Anyone who tells you to forgive and forget have obviously never been cheated on and clearly lack the ability to grasp just how deep the betrayal and hurt goes. It does get better with time. I promise you this. I’m truly sorry this happened to you.
I understand you are a very emotional and physical person and he should and probably did know that and that’s a very shitty of a person that I’m sure will regret and sure she is getting freaked out let’s hope anyway!!
“People who say you should just get over it when someone cheats on you have no idea.”
No. No they dont. I advise just the opposite. Cut them off like the cancer they are.
There is nothing lower than blood betraying blood. Nothing. They are sludge at the bottom of the septic tank.
Stay no contact.and move on with your life. You have no sister and your ex is a sad excuse for a “man” (more like man-child).
Know your worth OP. Know it and believe it.
I remember your post, I was totally furious on your behalf. But I’m so happy you’re moving forward and moving on. It’ll hurt like a bitch, maybe forever, but the best thing you can do is just live life to its fullest and hope karma cracks down hard on them. Sending good vibes and well wishes 🫂
that’s horrific and I’m truly sorry
I’m so sorry OP
u/offmychestthrowra276 did x-BIL DNA test the child they already had as well?
Yeesh. Keep on keeping on OP. All you can do. The wound will always be with you but eventually time will lessen its impact on your daily life.
Your sister and your ex are awful: anyone who tells you to “just get over it” are not your friends. Sending you hugs, OP and hoping that this time next year, it’ll be a distant memory. If not, we’ll be here to support you. 🫶
I’m so sorry that anyone is telling you to get over this. Both of them are horrible people. I’m glad your parents and other sister are supportive of you. I wish you nothing but the best life.
I’ll bet they don’t marry.
Faaaaaaakkkkeee
He couldn’t be blamed? He didn’t trip and fall in her vagina.
I am so proud of you to have made it this far, being betrayed is a traumatic experience and it’s PTSD to most. Dun let the ignorant bystanders who is not empathetic nor try to understand what you been through. It’s not so simple as to just get over it. Toxic people like your ex husband and your sister / tormentors I’d call them /should never be In your new life.
I’m so sorry. They are both the most disgusting people ever.
What they did is devastating. You are absolutely correct. Sending light your way.
Serious question, do people say you should just get over being cheated on? OP said that a few times and I’ve never heard that before. Seems like an f’d up thing to tell someone.
Gotta love how cheaters always seem to take absolutely zero responsibility for their own actions.
If this is real I feel bad for both the kids
One of the first stories I read when I was a newbie redditor was about a man, who’s wife was cheating on him with his brother and got pregnant. They divorced and the asshole chick and brother got married.
Initially, the family supported the brother who was cheated on. However, once the baby was born, and some time has passed, the mom and dad came around (“The baby is innocent”) and as such, forced the brother who did nothing wrong, to be around his cow of an ex and his foul brother at all family holiday’s or vacations or don’t attend. He had chosen not to attend.
I say all of this to say, there is a better than good chance that your parents and family will forgive your asshole sister, especially once they are married. They will then ask you to be the better person or some “innocent baby” bullshit. Be ready.
How tf can he not be blamed for what happened? Did he slip into her vagina or something?
He ruined a marriage and a family what a gem..
I’d never say get over it when someone is cheated on. I would, however, say do not hate the child, as they did nothing wrong. I do hope you can heal from this and not let this pain drag you down.
My step mom’s dad cheated on her mom with her sister. Left my step mom’s mom and married the sister. Had 2 girls. They divorced. And now my step mom and her sisters are not only sisters but also cousins.
Betrayal is trauma. And you were betrayed by your husband and your sister. I can’t imagine how heartbroken I’d be. How heartbreaking for you.
I suffered a betrayal as well in conjunction with a whole bunch of other trauma. I’ve been in therapy for over 3 years now, and I’m definitely still working through it all. It’s better but I have more work to do yet. I definitely recommend it if you can.
Hang in there.
Im so sorry. My ex of 20+ years cheated on me and we had 5 kids together. It’s is a devastating betrayal, and you really have to go through the stages of grief, just like someone passing. Because they did- the person you thought you married.
I can tell you the book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life was a lifesaver for me. There is an online support group of fellow chumps – the author calls herself the chump lady- and it helps to have the support of others who have been through the same thing. I wish you the very best!
Don’t let them destroy you. Selfish and entitled people are always like that. You are stronger than you think, you will heal and you have the right to be happy and you will find the right person for you.
I’m very sorry, you say you were only married for one month before seeking a divorce but in the UK you have to be married for a year before you can divorce. How did you manage divorcing before that? Or was it an annulment?
I knew a guy at work who said it was immature and thoughtless not to forgive someone for cheating on you.
Found out later he was a serial cheat.
I’m divorced myself, she was unfaithful, I have never dated since and plan not to.
I don’t believe in forgiving and forgetting.
It started as a solid attempt at a sub-1-month run, but you got pretty bad RNG in the end.
> People who say you should get over it when someone cheats on you have no idea what it is like
Surely the only people that speak like that are either cheaters themselves, or have some sort of cluster B personality that “justifies” to them the suffering that goes with.
This sh*t played out and i’m afraid its not over, the child once born will be the bridge towards your parents and the rest of the “you should get over it crowd”. Only you can do the right thing for yourself. You need to heal, physically and emotionally, do what you have to do, and not put it off. Ask yourself how you are going to handle the child being around you when you are visiting your parents, as an example. Only you can answer that question. Be well.
This is horrific.
So sorry OP ❤️🩹
I hope you are better.
Are annulments not a thing where you are? I imagine the fact that he was already cheating before getting married should render the marriage null and void, but I’m no advocate/barrister/lawyer.
Oh no, I’m so sorry. That’s an absolutely devastating betrayal from not just your husband, but your own sister. You don’t deserve this. Please take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to lean on people you trust for support. You’re not alone.
these kind of cheaters make me shake my head. Do they really think people cant add up the dates and timing to realize they are talking with people with no moral compass? As for OP that kind of betrayal is something a therapist could help her process and heal. No one should be telling her to forgive and forget when everyone involved is still going through the process.
My stepfather cheated on my mom with her sister. My mom and him divorced and he went on to marry my mom’s sister. This happened almost 20 years ago and still to this day, no one is over it. My mom has not talked to her sister or ex since then.
Just be careful, don’t hold onto that hate, it can consume you. Holding on to hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
That’s not to say you should forgive either of them, or forget what they did. What they did was so selfish it is beyond forgiveness.
However, the best revenge is living well, and so I would wholeheartedly recommend you do whatever you need to for that. You’re already doing well at that by managing to cut them so thoroughly out of your life, now just focus on doing what is right for you. Also, don’t be afraid to seek some professional help in dealing with this, its well worth it!
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this, you will get through it.
I had very similar happen to me, my ex had a year long affair with my sister, in that time I suffered 2 miscarriages ( I didn’t know about the affair at this point) I eventually found out it was heartbreaking, my experience was complicated with other factors. Forgiveness is the best choice not for them but for you, carrying around that anger and resentment was horrific for me. I hope you heal it’s hard in fact it’s beyond hard but you will get there ❤️
Well I’m sure they will have a great life together since they are both known cheaters. I’m sure your ex will be loving his life now that as a child free person he is now a stepfather and father.