Like the title says. On the one hand, it drives my mum crazy (they live together and have been married for 30+ years) on the other hand (the 3-4 times per month I visit/meet them) me too.
He essentially became a grumpy 10 year old, who doesn’t want to learn anything new, belittles himself and doesn’t even want to load the dishes into the dishwasher after my mum cooked themselves food. Obviously telling him to do stuff doesn’t help, not doing it (e.g. living in a mess) doesn’t bother him. If I’m around, he does at least like half the stuff (IF I help) but that’s it. Now I obviously can’t move back to my parents and I also can’t sit around and see him become a passionless old man who gets on the nerves of my mum 24/7.
Is there anything I can do? I’ve talked to him about it already, his answer was essentially “yeah, I don’t wanna do stuff, only the things I like”.
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Men often wither and die in retirement. Too much of their life, self-worth and socializing is work. It’s a known and common phenomenon.
What your father needs is structure, a source of productivity and a way to interact with other humans.
That can be travel, gardening, a hobby or volunteerism. I don’t know how you get him to do those things, but maybe pick something he’ll be good at, is enjoyable and maybe a bit active and then do that same thing with him during your visits.
What was his profession?
“what do you like, then? You do nothing… You can’t like nothing”
I have the same issues with my mom. I pushed her so hard that she’s talking with a psychologist and is a bit more active. She’s 75 tho
Here is the dishwasher rule to save marriages.
Whoever loads it gets to do it how they want and the other person doesn’t get to comment or criticize.
I feel like if he is honestly going for a walk EVERY DAY like you said this should be doable
I mean maybe the man has depression idk
Sounds like me when I feel burnt out from high anxiety. I am barely able to do anything that’s extra effort beyond basic survival, and I tend to retreat into doing the few things I am familiar with that are low effort but highly distracting. Learning or doing new things raises anxiety, so I will avoid doing it
As someone who has gone through this with parents and relatives, temper your expectations. You cannot force anyone to make such changes – they need to come to those decisions on their own. Trying to force it will only cause them to resent you and they’ll pull away from you further.
The only thing you can actually do is make it clear you are concerned, and if they indicate they want help making changes, then be there to support them.
If you badger him about it, he’s just going to withdraw and if anything it will get worse.
Focus on what you can control – yourself.
Not your job. Live your life, and forget your parents’ issues.
Do you have kids? In my experience, grandkids are highly motivating to people in that position. As others have said, so much of a man’s identity can be wrapped up in work/work social life, that once they retire it’s like their world disappears. They need a REASON again. Something to light the fire. Somebody who needs them. Grandkids can fill that role, if the grandparent steps up and takes responsibility.
lol
If he’s eating ok and walking 30-45 minutes each day he’s doing more physical activity than most people I know in their 40s. Sounds like a hobby and some social activities are in order but physically he’s doing great if he just works in some pushups or moderate strength activity daily.
Well my mum moved on and got a new. Boyfriend. Hope your mum is clever and does the same
He needs to volunteer.
Do you have mens associations like the Elks there?
Does he like to coach?
My dad was very active but his diet sucked, he stopped going to the gym and was drinking his calories (vodka. It wasn’t a drinking problem but a health concern.) my brother and I sat down with him one day and gave it to him straight. “I need you, my brother needs you. Your daughter-in-laws need you and I want my son to know you as a person, not someone he’s told about in the past tense.”
He got a physical, changed the diet, went back to the gym and he went from 225 to 180 once the next two years. Be up front, honest but not mean, truthful but not too brutal.
Is he retired?
If so, leave him alone. He earned the right to do what he wants without you nagging him.
My dad started going to church and socializing with people his age. They have things that need worked on, if he needs help on something and I can’t be there or my brother he calls a friend. It’s helped him tremendously. He’s got equipment that others at the church don’t have so when the church needs something done that he qualifies for, he volunteers.
What was your dad like before this transformation?