I (22F) recently my very first ever relationship with a girl (21F) I met from an online game. We never spoke on the phone or video-called, just texts, voice notes, photos and eventually sexting. Within weeks she asked me to be her partner, and I said yes, even though I’d never met her in person and wasn’t even sure that’s what I wanted.
The truth is, I said yes fully knowing that I wasn’t attracted to or interested in her romantically or sexually. I only craved attention and validation, not a real connection. When she told me she loved me, I said it back, even though deep down I didn’t feel it. I had tried to force a connection but when it wasn’t working out, I quickly realized I was only interested in experiencing sex, even if it was virtual. I was lonely, experimenting with my sexuality (I’m closeted), horny, and swept up in the thrill of being wanted and experiencing sexting with a girl. I should have been honest with her from the start, but it felt so good to be loved.
Sharing explicit photos felt exciting at the time, but now it haunts me. It was my first sexual “experience”, to send nudes to anyone, but it feels hollow and meaningless now as I never truly loved her. I lied about my feelings, made empty promises about our future, and reduced her to someone fulfilling my fantasies. She’s a kind, genuine, sweet person and didn’t deserve any of it.
About a month ago, knowing that this was deeply messed up, I tried to break up by saying I needed space for my mental health, but I never clearly said “we should break up.” After days of silence she called me out on the ambiguity, I apologized poorly clarifying I’d like us to be friends, and she blocked me. I know I hurt someone who truly loved me, and I’m left drowning in guilt, shame, and even suicidal thoughts. I used her for my own momentary pleasure and to explore my sexuality with someone of the same sex. I’m a selfish asshole and I don’t deserve to live. I contemplate suicide constantly because of what I did.
Comments
The important thing is knowing you fucked up and becoming a better person for it. She will heal eventually and move on, and so should you.
And don’t send nudes! Nudes are forever
Hey, dont feel too bad about it. Was it wrong to do that? Yes. Were you able to see it was wrong? No. I dont think its 100% your fault.
I also did some things like that, I was a minor, and even tho I dont think i am gay, I looked for affirmation in older men, (who didn’t knew I was underaged), and I could have ruined their lives.
I know what crippling loneliness and horniness do to your mind. It makes you do stupid shit.
hug
Also, to me it seems like you are neurodivergent.
Are you already in therapy? Because for me antidepressant helped a lot.
So please please please dont kill yourself. You should not feel bad for something you did when your mind couldn’t process it correctly.
You can make amends to her and to yourself by working to be more truthful to yourself and those (safe) people who care about you. They say the best revenge is living a good life? So is the best amends, imo. Work every day on being better, starting by being kinder to yourself. You can’t undo what you did but you can help tip the scales back in the other direction by continuing to live your life, and doing it honourably. Sorry to hear that your first experience with another woman was so negative. Definitely get into therapy so you don’t internalize that.
Im sorry that really was awful to so with someone.
I understand you have paychological issues and Im sorry about that but I also feel you were just bringing all that victim perspective in the end so that people here wont be so tough on u.
You used her to feel loved and get sexting, it shouldnt have anything to do with thinking of suicide and people make mistakes. To some point it is okay.
But just truly take responsability over this shit, that could never possibly happen again and go to therapy take care of yourself and the hard times you have to dont use someone else even if its accidentally again.
I too struggle to be clear when communicating my true feelings to partners – it’s like my feelings change so what’s the point in communicating at one moment if they’ll just be different the next day. Particularly if it will be hurtful to the other person.
Unfortunately it has ended with me being unhappy and unsatisfied in most of my relationships – so I am trying to work on it. But I also know that we’re all learning and we all make mistakes – and that’s ok! If even if you have done something you are not proud of, you did it because that was the best you could do at the time.
Try and be gentle on yourself, try to learn from this experience and be more clear and open next time, and also try not to blame yourself. Maybe this is the way relationships were modelled to you by your family?
I hope someday you have a happy & healthy relationship!
The fact that you have the Warren’s to know what you did was wrong, that you have guilt and shame, that you want to make amends, and most importantly learn from this and be a better person means you’re already on the track to being a better person and aren’t like other people who truly use others and feel no remorse and are bad and fucked up people. We ask make mistakes in our youth and do fucked up shit, sometimes really fucked up shit, relatively spreading this isn’t THAT fucked up and this girl will look nab on the future abs likely hardly remember this if at all once she’s in a real relationship. You both got swept up in the moment and you both made mistakes, for differing reasons and motivations. Go easy on yourself now, it’s clear what drives you is the need to be a better person in life even if you fuck up in the moment, and that’s the most important thing. Get to therapy if you aren’t already there. Make sure you sit with your discomfort and unpack that shit or you won’t be able to move passed it. You’ll be already, this is hardly the thing to kill yourself over.
Suicide?! Stop it. What you did was wrong. And you shouldn’t ever behave that way again. But, if you think a few relationship lies hurt someone you care about, whaddytthink suicide is going to do. You’re having a lot of emotions and something is telling you to act. Even if it’s something utterly foolish and selfish. If you must do SOMEthing, find a therapist. TODAY!
I hate to be this guy but it’s best you probably get off the games and online stuff for a bit and go outside and touch grass, meet people and learn how to navigate interacting with people in real life. Online relationship a lot of times aren’t real and can backfire on you fast
Actual reason is not as you used her, actual reason is the truth. Drop a text message about everything and explain her that it’s okay that if she never forgives you, and this is the least you should be doing. Otherwise she must be thinking something wrong with her, she deserves truth and leave the rest to her.
You clearly feel very guilty for what you did. Good. You should feel guilty – it was a shitty thing to do, as you yourself acknowledge. Now, use the guilt your feel, and Don’t. Do It. Again.
honestly it would be best for you to get out of the house. go outside and date in person, it’ll sharpen up your social skills and teach you a lot about yourself and others