Well if you’re an overachieving middle class born and brought up child, raised on a healthy dose of “if you don’t work your ass off, you will never be successful” mantra chanted over and over to you so much so that it has now become an integral part of your psyche, then this rant is for you.
I’m a 30 something person, eldest kid, 2 younger siblings, mildly conservative family struggling with their religious identity, working class dad, housewife mom etc etc etc. You get the whole shebang. Not to portray myself as a victim or byproduct of upbringing, but I’ve always felt this urgent, all encompassing need to prove myself, all the time. I’ve got this chip on my shoulder that carries the weight of unmet, albeit non-existent and sometimes imaginary, expectations from people around me.
You have to be the best Beta. You need to set an example for your siblings Beta. You have got to come first in the class Beta. You need to top the boards. You need to be an engineer. You must do an MBA. Oh you’ve got to get a high paying job. Wait, now you need to be the best at work too, climb that ladder of success fast, quick, climb, climb, climb beta!
And so for the last 27 years of my living memory, ever since I have gotten exposed to societal expectations, I’ve just been climbing and working hard and worrying, and now I have no fucking idea about how to be anything but that.
First, my education and now my work, has been my identity. Who am I outside of this? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know. And I’m apprehensive of finding it out. What if I quit my job and I can’t figure out what is it that I want out of my life? Highly likely.
What if I quit my job and don’t end up finding another one and it totally derails my career? Because no matter how successful you may become, impostor syndrome never stops chasing you. What if I quit my job and live to regret it for the rest of my life? A bit extreme but likely.
For almost over a year, I’ve spent a lot of time obsessing over all the what ifs and never quite coming up with a definitive answer. I’ve been dissatisfied with my job for a lot longer than that. And yet, despite all of this, I’ve never really mustered the courage to actually do it. To actually quit my job without having a plan. For once. What would a freedom like that feel like? And at the same time, how scary would it be to wake up and realise that you don’t have a stable source of income anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have been working for close to 8 years now and have a decent amount saved up to sustain me for at least a year, or a couple. But the whole idea of not having it anymore is scary as fuck right?
So if you guys are also in the same boat, do leave your comments if you can relate. If you’re somehow lucky enough to have managed to get off this boat, then you have to tell us all wayward, heading closer to a midlife crisis, anxious Sharma ji ke bachche, about what’s the secret.
Comments
I can relate. As I’m this way also. Always giving my job my all, but recently I’ve been frustrated because my co workers don’t do half as much as I do. Idk if I haven’t found the right career or if I’m the stupid 1 for giving it my all, all 100%. Debating of I should slack back and stay or quit and find another job where my efforts aren’t taken for granted and I’m not compensating for the slackers
Do you have any sort of hobby or any suppressed desires that you would like to pursue atleast part time?
I can’t say I’m on the same boat (26yo single) but I think being a middle class child in Singapore is kind of similar.
After spending the last 6 years working hard at my job and burning out, I went on a 6 months break. Did a lot of self discovering and shedding phase. And found out that this job is not what I want to do.
Took a scary step to quit my relatively high paying job and found a job that pays 50% less, and enrolled in university.
My therapist was the one who suggested me to go on a longer career break if I could afford it. She said it will help me to discover what I really want after I give myself enough time to recover from the fight or flight mode. And looking back now it really did. I was super uncomfortable during the break as my work has been a major part of my identity and now suddenly I don’t know who I was.
Feels like now you’re also in a fight or flight mode where your body and mind are slowly telling you that this is not the life you want. Don’t think it’s my place to give you advice as if you have a family, it’s not easy to just quit your job. But perhaps would it be possible for you to take a break too? If your finance allows, therapy really helps to make your thoughts clearer and stop any spiral.
Honestly taking a 6 months break after 6 years of working has been a great decision. It felt like I was stagnant and not growing, but that shedding phase allowed me to connect more with myself and realise what I want. And that is also growth.
All the best! I hope you have a good support system to reach out to as well. Talking to some close friends helped me to realise mid career switch and having no idea what we are doing is not as uncommon as we think!!! And we still have lots of time to figure it out 💪💪
This is why I chose another path, do I make less money? Yes. But I have time to be a dad, romance my wife, have friends, have 4 dogs, 3 cats and 13 chickens!
As someone who grew up with immigrant parents, this hits way too close to home. Got straight A’s, went to med school, and now I’m too afraid to admit I’d rather be running my own bakery. The golden child curse is real, folks.
I’m a 22yo Female and it’s been all I’ve known my entire life as well
To be as perfect as possible, set a good example for my siblings, always go to church and keep up my Christian morals.
I reached my breaking point after high school and was to start doing my A-levels, so I intentionally limited myself just so I can feel like a normal person
Throughout primary school I was always the first place girl in every grade and also graduated as the top student in the exit exams.
I realized that I’d never be able to reach the impossible version of myself that my family wanted from me when I had a breakdown so bad that I ended up in the ER and felt like I was dying.
The fact that it was very easy for me to be an over achiever and it was also easy to get into university, it just felt like I was doing whatever to people please
So long story short
I’m now in the city after starting university two years ago and taking a break to gain some work experience
I will now be going back to my hometown and quitting my job next Friday to finally take some time for myself
I am proud of the fact that I’ve been doing things that I always wanted for myself now
OP I hope you get to reach the stage where the imposter syndrome gets to become a muffled voice in the back of your mind.
It never really goes away but I also recommend going to a therapist to have another voice in your life that would give you a genuine perspective on what is happening for you as we can tend to forget the actual progress we’re making.
I’m planning to go to therapy if my thoughts keep overwhelming me and bringing me to the point of feeling as though I’m never enough
All the best
You’re 30, you have an obscene amount of time. Milk every single minute out of your thirties by trying, testing, tasting, failing, winning. Travel, it opens up your eyes and ears to the most incredible things in the world. What are your hobbies?
If youre absolutely passionate and qant change you can’t talk yourself out of it or make excuses.