My ex and I have been off and on since our breakup in October. We always seem to come back to each other but I’m afraid what I did is unforgivable. I know that putting this on line is opening the door for hate but I feel like I deserve it. I know what I did was very wrong but I can’t understand why I did it. Earlier in the week we were sleeping, I woke up to go to class but it was canceled. I was rubbing on my ex to go back to to sleep and while doing that I inserted the tip of my index finger in her butt (I KNOW THIS IS COMPLETELY WRONG AND I VIOLATED HER BODY). She woke up, and was like “I get to hit you for doing that”. I started to chuckle a little bit because I thought it was funny but because it was an awkward situation. That threw her off a little bit and she got up fussing (rightfully so). She then asked me to leave and I did. I went to my friends immediately and told them what I did. They told me I was wrong and what I did was weird. I tried to give her some space but it is hard bc I know I messed up and I know that im someone she looks to for comfort/peace. She did block my number so we were talking on WhatsApp. I wasn’t trying to overstep too much because I know the ball is in her court so I was asking to speak for a few minutes at a time. The direction of the conversations were all over the place. Yesterday though I was talking to her and I had called back and her friend was on the phone to threaten me (I understand that a little bit). This friend and I don’t have the best track record (we disrespected each other a few times, I had stopped though after my ex had a conversation a few months back). The three of us were on the phone and I could tell my exes demeanor had changed over the phone. The phone call ends and I go back to work. My phone was on DND at the time so I was only getting notifications from only a few people, one of those being my sister. She calls me yelling telling me to get “her”, my exes friend. Apparently she called my sister, words were said on both ends. I hang up the phone with my sister and noticed the friend had called me twice. I called my ex immediately and I could hear her friend in the background. It was a lot, but to sum it up it I confronted her about calling my sister and ask why didn’t she call her herself. I was called a liar for “not telling my sister” when I did. It was threats on their end and I pretty much accepted them. There’s fine detail to but it’s a lot to write out while I’m at work. I really just wrote this to get others opinions on the matter. I know the potential can of worms I’m about to open up on myself but it’s honestly worth it if it helps me to stop overthinking. I want to work towards forgiveness but I know that she has to decide that for herself and I need to grow. I just don’t understand how I could hurt someone I cared deeply about. All comments are welcome, even negative…I deserve it to be honestly at this point.
Comments
I don’t know what you’re expecting to get here, when you already know what you did was wrong. You sound really young. You all need to just leave each other alone, and move on. You also need to learn what consent is before you enter any other relationship.
You can’t force forgiveness. Give her space and mentally prepare yourself for the relationship to be over. This is why you talk about such things early on in the relationship to have a clear understanding of her boundaries. Clearly you crossed a big one.
Imo this sounds like a childish mistake you’re already regretting, and I don’t know if you’re expecting to feel better with yourself if some people here deploy all the hate they have towards you. No matter what we tell you, nothing is going to change the past. It’s better if you let each other go and learn from your experiences to be a better self in the future. Best wishes.
For future reference, in your next relationship start early on telling her you’re gonna stick your finger up her butt when she’s least expecting and see how she takes it (that means 2 things). Trust me your relationship won’t end if you ever do it again.
You know what you did was wrong. You need to move on and hopefully learn from this. My husband has asked me before if I minded him waking me up at night while I was asleep by him doing sexual things to me. I found it exciting and agreed. I made sure I went to bed with very little on. Get consent next time.