Story time! Actually happened, but I’m condensing the story due to rules.
So, back in late 2020, I (then 26F) went to Disney World with my dad (then 49M), his wife (then 36F), my two brothers (then 11M and 6M), and a few others. I was just starting to come out of the closet as being bi. When I was 16-18 I lived with them, and they gave me strict gender rules. They’ve also started doing that to my brother (then 11M) saying things like he’s not allowed to like pink because that’s a girl color. He had been ridiculed a few times in the past about it (once he called me crying). He was told he had to change it (lie to people), which me being his big sis, I found out on the trip.
On that trip, they were both making their normal sexist comments like “you can’t have that, that’s for girls” to my brothers or “the husband does the boy work and the woman does the girl work” and so forth. The last night we were spending (in a shared suite) my dad’s wife had a homophobic/transphobic rant that upset me. Didn’t say anything and later that night his wife cornered me asking what was wrong. I told her I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to talk about it, but after several “no’s” she finally worked it out. I told her I was bi and she asked if I wanted to be a guy. I told her no and when on to talk about how the strict gender rules they used to put on me hurt and I see how they’re doing the same to my brother (then 11M). I made sure to tell her that I didn’t blame them for trying but it still hurt nonetheless and I know my brother is hurting. She was shouting and eventually left. Next morning, my dad went off and told me how I’m “no better than a murderer, thief, or any other horrible sinful thing”.
I flew back home, I waited for things to cool down. I was supposed to fly back to visit for Christmas, but didn’t feel safe anymore. So I sent a text message saying that I didn’t feel safe to come down for Christmas, how I was disrespected, and I won’t allow that to continue. I reiterated what I had said to his wife so it was in writing. I reiterated that I didn’t blame them for what they did, but nonetheless, it hurt and I see how it hurts my brother. I told them there wasn’t anything wrong with him liking the color pink. I wasn’t nasty about it. I wasn’t cussing. I was assertive and respectful. I had people review the text to check for tone and respect. Within minutes, they told me I “cut the cord” with them and blocked me on social media. It’s been 4 1/2 years, and I still can’t get through to anyone to even speak to my brothers.
So, am I the asshole?
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Story time! Actually happened, but I’m condensing the story due to rules.
So, back in late 2020, I (then 26F) went to Disney World with my dad (then 49M), his wife (then 36F), my two brothers (then 11M and 6M), and a few others. I was just starting to come out of the closet as being bi. When I was 16-18 I lived with them, and they gave me strict gender rules. They’ve also started doing that to my brother (then 11M) saying things like he’s not allowed to like pink because that’s a girl color. He had been ridiculed a few times in the past about it (once he called me crying). He was told he had to change it (lie to people), which me being his big sis, I found out on the trip.
On that trip, they were both making their normal sexist comments like “you can’t have that, that’s for girls” to my brothers or “the husband does the boy work and the woman does the girl work” and so forth. The last night we were spending (in a shared suite) my dad’s wife had a homophobic/transphobic rant that upset me. Didn’t say anything and later that night his wife cornered me asking what was wrong. I told her I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to talk about it, but after several “no’s” she finally worked it out. I told her I was bi and she asked if I wanted to be a guy. I told her no and when on to talk about how the strict gender rules they used to put on me hurt and I see how they’re doing the same to my brother (then 11M). I made sure to tell her that I didn’t blame them for trying but it still hurt nonetheless and I know my brother is hurting. She was shouting and eventually left. Next morning, my dad went off and told me how I’m “no better than a murderer, thief, or any other horrible sinful thing”.
I flew back home, I waited for things to cool down. I was supposed to fly back to visit for Christmas, but didn’t feel safe anymore. So I sent a text message saying that I didn’t feel safe to come down for Christmas, how I was disrespected, and I won’t allow that to continue. I reiterated what I had said to his wife so it was in writing. I reiterated that I didn’t blame them for what they did, but nonetheless, it hurt and I see how it hurts my brother. I told them there wasn’t anything wrong with him liking the color pink. I wasn’t nasty about it. I wasn’t cussing. I was assertive and respectful. I had people review the text to check for tone and respect. Within minutes, they told me I “cut the cord” with them and blocked me on social media. It’s been 4 1/2 years, and I still can’t get through to anyone to even speak to my brothers.
So, am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I texted my dad and his wife saying there wasn’t anything wrong with my brother liking the color pink. 2. Because it was after that text they completely cut me out of their lives for 4 1/2 years.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re NTA and you know it.
What is this nonsense?
No of course not. Can you not reach out to your oldest brother on social media
I’ve never understood why people say pink is a “girl color” and blue is a “boy color”. following that logic blue dresses shouldn’t exist, and women shouldn’t wear jeans, but last I checked not nearly as many people complaining about that (if complaining about it at all).
NTA. Pink is a color, that’s it. Anyone can like it. These are the same stupid people who would be screaming “pink isn’t for girls!” Back in the day when pink was considered masculine and only for men. It’s all about control.
NTA- Your father’s and his wife’s narrow and fragile view of gender and expression is based on fear, and their vitriolic reaction is a bizarre talking point fueled by ignorance. Color means nothing but it shows they’re homophobic and transphobic… probably misogynistic as well
You’re NTA, as a dad, your father and his wife are absolute degenerates.
Bide your time kiddo, you’re little brothers will be reaching out in the very near future to look for a safe place.
NTA and I’m sure you know that you’re not deep down and as a fellow queer person I can also say this experience isn’t unusual. Many many queer people don’t have contact with their family.
All you can do is stay in touch with your siblings, be honest and open with them and let them know you will always be a safe person they can turn to and run to
You’d be surprised how many guys look hotter/hottest in pink.
NTA. You asserted yourself, and they made it clear that having your beliefs, feelings or experiences is incompatible with being a member of their family. You could probably sue to get time with your brothers, but doing so 4 years later is a little late, developmentally speaking.