I’m really struggling and would love some advice. Over the last few years I’ve watched my father kind of give up on life. He is anxious and depressed. He goes to one session of therapy and says “The therapist is stupid and doesn’t understand me”….with four different therapists. His health is slowly fading but refuses to change his diet or exercise . He is only 56 and has alot of life to live but he refuses to do anything about the things he is dealing with. The whole family has tried everything we can think of to help him and he just rejects it all. He has said several times to me that if he didn’t believe that killing youself would send you to Hell he would have ended it alot sooner. I’m beside myself with what to do. He was the toughest man I knew until a few years ago and now he has thrown in the towel. Anyone gone through something similiar? Any advice?
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What things did he like doing? Does he still like doing them? If not they make pills for that. The suicidal thoughts I think you are right to try to help with. The diet and exercise, maybe save that for later. Bringing it up if he is depressed isnt gonna help
Jesus. It sounds like me and your father are going through similar shit. I’m way ahead of schedule. I need to chill out.
I wish I had some advice for you, but your post did help me in some way. I’m 37 and I’ve been a wreck these past few months. My kids are probably looking at me the same way you’re looking at your dad…
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Talk with your Dad. Tell him how you feel, spend time with him.
My father was the same age when he kinda started the same decline. I think a lot of it came from work slowing down, he put a lot of his self worth into his career and when that started to go away I could see it wearing on him. He had lots of hobbies but at the same time he became a recluse, lots of time on the couch watching Fox News. Mentally and emotionally he was ok, but I could see the spark I’d known my whole life was kinda fading. There’s not much we can do for that generation, they were raised to be hard asses and not talk about things, the older they get the worse they get. My only advice is to live your life to the fullest and accept your father for the person he is becoming, whether or not you approve. If you let it get to you, it will get to you. Towards the end of my fathers life he became an unhinged trumper, spouted ridiculous Fox News stuff…etc. I hated all of it…but I just figured that I’m gonna get there some day so I can’t judge him, but accept him.
I moved far away so I wouldn’t be tortured by seeing it all the time. I couldn’t change it and it was hard to let go of not being able to change it. I will note I didn’t move specifically for that reason but it’s help a lot
Sounds like he has adhedonia. Has he been diagnosed with clinical depression? He may benefit from finding the proper antidepressants.
I watched my dad begin to give up but he was in his 80’s. He had always worked but could no longer stay on his feet for 8/10 hours at a time. He closed his real estate office and just drifted away until a small heart attack relegated him to a recliner. He felt useless and worse that he was a burden.
Try to get your dad interested in something. Did he ever have a hobby? I used to call my dad and ask his advice about different professional things from my company. I knew the answer and would offer options but said I wanted his opinion that my decisions were the best choice. It made him think about something other than being bored.
This is going to sound glib and simplistic, but your Dad probably has chronically low testosterone. Which presents exactly as you describe — no motivation, no interest in life, no fucking hope whatsoever. It’s an absolute epidemic in men these days, particularly in midlife. On average, men of every age now have roughly 50% lower T than their compatriots two generations ago. The causes aren’t well understood but environmental contaminants like microplastics are a plausible explanation.
If you can get your dad motivated enough to walk into a Quest or LabCorp office and take a $100 blood test, he can find out. Don’t pay for the full male panel. Just get total and free testosterone. I’d bet you money he’s like 100 – 200 ng/dl total and 0 to 10 ng/dl free. Barely functional is like 400 and 20 and actually feeling good for an older man is 800+ total and 40+ free. Maybe if you can show him some numbers, he’ll be willing to get treated. TRT is cheap and safe and easy. Get some generic compounded cream, rub it on your balls every day, you’re pretty much done.
I had to learn this the hard way myself. Nothing, in my entire life, has made more of a difference to my health and happiness than finding out I was hypogonadal and fixing it. Always feel weird sharing this shit, but I just hate to see people suffering for no reason.
Happened to my dad too. He just gave up on everything after my younger brother ripped him off and took his life savings.
Your dad needs to see a better therapist.
Not sure if this was mentioned… but as an alternative has he tested his testosterone. Anecodtely speaking, TRT improved my daily mood by a significant amount. Perhaps he’s super low?
He needs a full blood medical exam.
As trite as it sounds, i guarantee there’s a decent proponent of his behaviour that we can chalk up to bio-chemical influence.
In the case of men its typically low testosterone
There is nothing worse than watching one of your parents deteriorate slowly in front of you. My dad had a slew of health issues during the last 10 years of his life, was an alcoholic, and most likely was clinically depressed. He passed away last year after his kidney issues and diabetes came to a head. I spent the better part of 2023 and the spring of 2024 coming to terms with him dying.
My biggest piece of advice for you is self-care. I’ve been seeing a therapist since the end of September. It has helped, and has also made me address some of the other issues in my life, and be more self-reflective. I’ve also been regularly exercising and being a bit more conscious of the food I eat (admittedly, I could do better in the food department). I don’t want to put my kids, my wife, or myself through the same things that my dad put me through.
One final thing. I tried telling my dad what he needs to do, and it ended up in a a huge fight. I found that I had to remove myself from the situation. I wasn’t going to be able to control what he was going to do. The only thing I told him when we talked about his health was that I loved him, and that all I want for him is to be happy and healthy.
your dad would benefit a dog or puppy.
Have you volunteered at the animal shelter with your dad before?
Buy your dad a ticket to southeast Asia for 2-4 weeks.
Not my father. My mother. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. We were very close. She suffered some serious chronic illness starting in her mid 50s and her physical and mental health rapidly declined. And it went on for years until her death in her mid 60s.
Actually watching The Sopranos Tony Soprano’s relationship with his mother reminded me a little bit of my relationship with my mother- absent the psychopathy and mafia stuff.
Therapy is essential. It is a brutal ride and there is not much you can do about it.
Forcing him to therapy will not work even though that probably could be very useful. He would have to want to go himself. But maybe you can help him reconnect with things he used to love but doesn’t do or care about anymore.
Did he have a hobby or a sport he used to like that you can pick up again (maybe with him)? Getting season’s tickets for your local sports team, a sport or a creative hobby?
I wish I had advice for you. I’m going through something very similar with my Dad as well.
I’ve tried everything I can think of to try and get through to him, but nothing seems to have any impact.
Sometimes there’s just no upside to being a man and sticking around when your a ghost to everyone around you