Like Gisele Bundchen. Have a new baby with a new partner, with teenagers at home.
I was a career woman and single parent of my 15 year old son all along. My current partner wants kids and the only person on the planet I would do it with. We are aware of our reality including IVF or egg donation.
Anytime we talk about it with family or friends (except his parents), complete shock is the response and the ‘why would you do that, you are old, don’t you want to be free, he can find a younger woman for all that’.
I am turning 43, he is 41.
Is it truly that crazy to have more kids in our 40s as women?
Edit- to add context. This is not a new relationship. We dated years ago, lost a baby and decided at the time it was best to part ways. Reconciled later. Kids were always part of our plans, my son would not feel left out- my partner’s family and parents are like second family to him, they remained in his life even when we weren’t together.
My partner could retire tomorrow and certainly able to take care of children. I am not well off but have a stable career, retirement plan etc. Aware of the risks including what if the relationship does not work out.
It’s more that I am deemed too old for a man who wants his own children.
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Gisele bunchen has money and genetics on her side.
I’m 50 with a 10 year old and 15 year old. The 15 year old is fine but I’m feeling having a baby at 40 alright
I mean, there’s no way I would do it, but you do you.
That said, if the relationship didn’t work out for some reason, how would you feel about being a single mother all over again, this time at a much older age?
Also, how long have you been together? Have you discussed things like finances and retirement goals? What would happen if you had a child with a disability? Would you still want to have children at this age?
Disclaimer: I don’t have kids.
I’m seeing this from the perspective of the kids you already have. I would expect them to feel confused and like they weren’t enough.
43 isn’t too old to have kids, BUT your risk of having a baby with complications is much higher, regrettably.
Why is having another baby part of your emotion to want a clean slate/start over?
>My current partner wants kids
….do you???
I had my first at 42 and my second is due (I’ll be 44 almost 45 when he’s born). I’m enjoying it. And I’m doing it as a single mom by choice. If you have a supportive partner who’s really into it, sounds like it could be wonderful.
Crazy? No. And if you had none so far and always dreamed of parenthood, I’d encourage it.
But you already have one kid, who knows “how babies are made.” At his age. It would probably be best for your current child if you didn’t and that age gap it’d be hard for them to be that close. And by the time your new baby graduates college you’ll be in retirement age.
Imo I would never for me personally.
Its so mentally, physically and financially taxing. Post pregnany depression was really rough for me.
Money and health is also something to really think about.
It sound like you are more into the idea of having a baby, than a actual one. Yes baby’s are cute and sweet. But they also scream and wake you up constantly. They also can have health issues that makes it even more difficult. Also, at that age, the probability of genetic issues/mutations are much higher, and just the overall risks to you and potential baby.
But hey if yall are game and on the same page have tons of money in the bank, great Healthcare and a support system to help you guys then that personally would make me not so worried. I have none of that. Hence my response. BTW I’m not judging you or saying if you guys did its a bad choice.
My children are 14 years apart in age. The relationship between them is nothing but an asset. However, I’m freaking exhausted. I just do not have the ability to muster up what I did for the first one. It isn’t a lack of love or apathy . I eat well, exercise, and try and get adequate sleep so it isn’t a matter of taking care of myself. I’m just permanently tired. Also, parenting in general is just getting harder and harder culturally and financially. I can absolutely see why so many gen z are saying that they don’t want to ever become parents. You do you, but I would only do it if you super desperately want to.
Do it. I had a baby in my 40s with a teen at home. The teen absolutely loves the baby. We have a built-in sitter (who we pay, of course) and a sibling’s love like no other. This pregnancy was A TON easier than with my teen. The labor was a fraction of length and recovery took 2 weeks at most.
It’s your choice. I think people say that because they know you’ve already done that. This isnt your only chance to have a child because you have a son. so you’re not missing out by saying no to sleepless nights. Personally i wouldn’t, but i also have a child
There are friends of mine who had kids in their early to mid 40s. There’s nothing wrong with that part.
I think what changes it is that you have older kids in that there is validity to do you want to do little kids again?
Also be fucking for real are you good at priorities? Because sure your kid is older so they don’t need you for every waking moment like Littles, but they need a ton more emotional investments helping them transition to adults and I feel some kids get shafted by this age gap in those things. Instead they become the 2nd set of parents. My parents did it to my highschool age siblings, my cousin to her kids she had 15 years apart between marriages, my dad to me to my little brother’s, my high-school best friend to her sister. I’ve rarely seen parents actually priority their older kids well. Every single scenario above, sure we love our siblings, but that also sucks fucking balls that our parents were too tired for our emotional needs and didn’t know when to say WHEN for the Littles, but will tell us no to everything because we’re “grown up enough” and so somehow that meant we should sacrifice everything for the baby. Baby no, we’re still TEENS still figuring it out.
A toddler doesn’t remember you leaving them at a baby sitter to go to my play. But we remember that you didn’t go to our play or whatever. A baby doesn’t remember that you bought them that fancy play set but we remember that you didn’t want us to get corsages at prom because theres no budgetmade for it. This doesn’t get talked about enough, and I want to stress how much this is an oversight in people doing both age gap and blended families. I felt my dad got a do over to be a dad with his little boys and didn’t love me enough. I was just their free baby sitter. That SUCKS. Me and all of us parentified children drink with each other at the family parties and we all don’t live near our parents. we shaft everyone else at the parties to talk to each other. Subliminally no one else understands the lonely island we had as teens… on the outside we just look like our parents raised successful kids, but we raised ourselves out of childhood so we can get away from responsibility we never asked for. All of us are be heavily tattooed, hyper independents who end up marrying someone who baby us. 😅 it’s a Canon event. Find me someone who isn’t this way that was raised as the 2nd shift parent.
I have a cousin whose mom had her at 41. My cousin is very healthy despite some allergies and mild adhd, but she does a lot of work helping her elderly mother. My cousin is only 32 and in probably 10 years will be doing full time care at 42. Her mom is not sickly, she can live on her on for now, but she is aging and slowly losing her abilities. I think that should be one of the biggest issues you take into consideration having another child.
I also think you should maybe ask your son how they feel about it too. They’re at an age where they can give you real insight to their emotions. It really sucks feeling like you’ve been replaced or that your parent is starting over with a new child they’ll give all their attn to, esp at an age where they’re so self sufficient so it’s easier to ignore them without noticing. That baby still needs you too and will need you for life.
if you do have kids, don’t expect it to be like with your first pregnancy, because we just lose stamina as we age (most of us at least), so you will 100% not have as much energy and sleeping less will definitely have an impact, with that being said, you being 43 brings as much risk as him being 41, he can’t just “find” a 20 year old to have kids and expect everything to be good because she’s young, even tho he’s older
also, how will this pregnancy affect your career and life? you said that you’re not well off, but is this man helping you financially? do you plan to go back to work asap? it might be harder than it was when you had your son and you might need more time, how will that work and look for you? do you want marriage? can you afford a baby and a 15 year old at the same time with your current (or lower, depending on how much time you take off) salary if he leaves?
it’s not impossible physically, but are you prepared for every scenario if the coin tossing doesn’t land on the one you betted on?
I’m 40 and going through fertility treatments to have my first. It’s not a walk in the park. I’ve had to limit my work because IVF is so disruptive. I’ve just had my third cycle fail and it’s putting a real strain on my mental health and my marriage. The odds for 41+ is 6 tested transfers for 1 pregnancy (with your own eggs) which doesn’t sound much until you realise you are probably going to get 1-2 embryos per IVF cycle and those are likely to test abnormally so you could very easily be looking at 6, 7, 8+ cycles of IVF, which I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
IF you are going to do it, go in realising that this is going to take over your life and not in a positive way. I would also strongly consider donor eggs to increase your odds exponentially.
Best of luck.
I had my second at 38. It’s not impossible! But be aware of how different it will be. The age gap between you and your kid will be bigger, so you will be old when they are younger, so you may have issues with understanding their point of view, and they may be burdened at a young age if you get dementia, Parkinson’s, etc. You’ll be much tireder when they’re a baby/toddler. You may have to make some choices if your fetus tests positive for disabilities.
On the other hand, as an older parent, I was more patient and easygoing than I would have been in my 20s. My kids and I have a mature, calm relationship. We have less in common, but they also keep me young.
I have a friend who had twins at 50. I wouldn’t have wanted to, but she’s full of energy and took her kids all over the world. Their dad, who is even older, has Alzheimer’s, but they seem to all be very close! Keeping an open mind to what their generation feel and need has been the most important part.
For me, yes. I’m already tired all the time, I couldn’t imagine not getting uninterrupted sleep again for a year+. Only you can decide what you’re capable of.
My mom had me at 43
I think it’s fine as long as you have a good retirement plan. If not, it would be a burden to your kid to put their early 20’s on hold to take care of you as well while handling school debt.
It is stupid to have children just cuz someone else wants you to, that’s for sure.
Why do you need validation on this monumental life choice from anyone aside from yourself and your partner? Who cares about the response/ reaction from family and friends much less randoms on the internet? If you and your partner are ready/want this/choose this, that’s your decision. You are aware of the risks and various scenarios facing you and only you and your partner truly know your situation/ context. Lots of ladies are having babies in their 40’s so it’s certainly not unprecedented. Decide what is best for you and your partner (and current son) and go from there.
My mom had all her kids after 40
Live your life! 40 is not old! You are financially well off and in love with a supportive partner that wants kids as well. Go for it. Starting a new life is so fun.
If you’re okay with the possibility of eventually becoming a single mom again in your 40’s/50’s and/or possibly having major complications during your geriatric pregnancy/childbirth then go for it. If not, good god don’t do it. You couldn’t pay me to have kids, especially now that I’m 42. I know friends/family who had their kids in their late 30’s/early 40’s and now they’re miserable.
I’d aim to tune out other people’s voices as much as possible. Someone genuinely close to you, who has lived through the experience, saying “hey, I didn’t actually realise xyx about doing it all over a second time” is one thing. People getting all shocked and surprised purely for the sake of responding is another.
Sure, it will likely be less easy physically than the first time round. And sure, in a dream world maybe you would have met your partner earlier and done this sooner.
But if this is your dream partner, you both really want this, and can physically make it happen, then why the hell not.
There’s some people who for whatever reason don’t even have their first kid until 40, so this isn’t much different other than the fact that you already have a teenager.
Remember that Bundchen is a multi-millionaire, with a team of people around her. She has hired cleaners and au pairs and assistants. It’s easy to have kids with all that.
My point is not to discourage, just don’t compare your potential homelife with Gisele Bundchen.
To be honest from reading your post I’m concerned you are doing it to make up for the prior pregnancy loss with the same partner. I also think this would destabilize your son’s life much more than you acknowledged. And finally, you need to consider whether you really want to spend the next 18 years parenting a young child and then be in your late 60s as they’re heading off to college… there’s a lot to think through here and unless you’re 100% confident on all of it, at this stage in life, I’m not sure it does make sense.
No, go for it! Stop caring what other people think and live your life as you want to. Many women become parents in their 40’s.
I think that as long as you are (very well) financially prepared, and accepting of how exhausting it will be, then you should totally go for t!
And by financially prepared, I mean not just the costs associated with the fertility treatments, but also having enough invested that your planned retirement isn’t thrown totally off course by being out of the job market for however long, childcare costs, etc. I’ve had several friends go through the whole fertility thing, and that alone can be very wearing and stressful on a relationship; you don’t want financial difficulties to potentially impact your relationship with either your partner or the eventual child. Everyone’s happiness(and health) should be the top priority!
No, I wouldn’t do that. I’m around your age and I have a teenage son and I can’t imagine anything worse than bringing a baby to the world at this stage of my life. I wouldn’t do this to myself and I wouldn’t do this to my teenage son.
I have said this to women who have older teenagers and had kids/talk about having another baby”, Are you crazy?? You’re almost free”. But I think it’s different with a new partner, especially if they want a a baby. At 40 I would only consider a baby with the right man who wants a family with me. I also have a few friends who have siblings 20 years older (and with same parents) and I know their mums would never regret starting over. And it’s actually the younger children that take care of their parents more.
If you try to have a kid now it’ll probably take a few years for a pregnancy to go to term. So let’s say you’d have your newborn at 45.
Would you have enough energy to take care of such a young kid? How will you handle having your sleep disturbed, waking up at night? Will you be able to both be a new mom and to continue your career or are you going to have to stop working? What kind of support are you going to be able to get, from family, friends, from your country?
From what you’re saying your relationship doesn’t seem stable and you need your job. The older you get the harder it is to find a new job.
Now let’s take the kid’s perspective. At 5 years old their mom would be 50. At 10, 55. Do you think you’ll have the energy to play with them? Do you think you’ll be able to relate to them? When this kid would enter into adulthood you’d be in age to have more and more health issues and to think about retirement. At that moment your children would be the ones to take care of you. Isn’t 20/25 a bit young for that?
Would it be good for the kid to have parents so much older than them?
I don’t think it’s fair to the child to have parents so much older and the risk they’ll be saddled with some genetic challenges is much higher. Celebrities are irrelevant to what’s best for a child.
you need to stop because autism risk is SO much higher when you’re both 40s
it’s not about what your man wants, he’s obviously just suffering some midlife crisis thinking he’s fertile enough to pull this off but you also will physically suffer for his delusion