This is such a heartbreaking situation but I’ve had to stop seeing someone I was spending a lot of time with due to them not being aware of how their own actions are impacting other people. Very very painful to walk away from but there’s lots of avoidance mixed in there with them just not wanting to face the difficult stuff. It sucks.
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I stopped talking to 2 relatives over something like this. It’s hard. You have to set your own boundaries, that is all you can control.
My last partner. I really, really liked him (I still do) but he refuses to address or even acknowledge the serious abuse he went through as a kid and the damage it’s done to him.
My last relationship ended bc of this. Such a sweetie but too much baggage he wanted me to carry. It sucks for sure, but no matter how I look at it, the good things weren’t worth the cost. And it’s been a weight lifted now, almost a year later.
He did finally start therapy after I was completely done, but idk if he stayed with it.
Oh yeah.
Sometimes trying to help someone drowning means there is a chance they can drown you with them
Absolutely. Once I see that they are deeply rooted in their trauma and lack the emotional maturity and interpersonal skills to form a healthy relationship, I move on. No point in trying to help. Most of these folks know they need help and refuse to seek it.
Yep. And it was necessary because he wasn’t seeking help at the time we were together. If he had done, we’d probably still be together. Now he is, but it’s too late for us.
I got a divorce due to it. So yea. Can’t help someone if they won’t help shambles and allow it to impact toy and the relationship.
Nope. But I’m sure my exes left me partially because of mine. I have a ton of trauma, so I kinda get it.
My ex of 20 years had unresolved childhood trauma that he refused to seek help. He drowned in alcoholism and he used his trauma to inflict emotional abuse on me.
I attempted to date afterward but realized that all men are the same- refusing to acknowledge their trauma and how it damages others. I haven’t met a healed man who has sought therapy to resolve his trauma.
My last ex refused to acknowledge or work on his but was all too happy to point out my own trauma related faults. Eventually left because I couldn’t take the gaslighting, silent treatment, and lack of ability to communicate any feelings without lashing out (but mostly just silence, which is almost worse imo).
I have my own PTSD amongst other things, and I think it’s totally valid to put up boundaries and walk away. I honestly don’t know why people stayed with me in the past before I understood I was hurting people with my actions and started working on it. This was in my teens and early 20s, but I still carry some guilt about it.
Yes. At first I felt guilty but I realized that refusing to seek help is a kind of abuse. I stayed for too long because of the guilt of leaving someone that was suffering & “needed me”.
Yes, there is difference between sympathy and empathy. I’m not a savior. I do get how our bond stories and traumas colors our reactions, behaviours and interpersonal relationships: and I also get that part of recovery into adulthood is to become our own parent, offer our inner child what we didn’t receive. This is not our BF/GF job, but ours. And yes support network is important but I won’t take the burden of being a solo support network to an adult who don’t want to be his/her own adult. I developed my own resilience in the face of my own trauma the day I decided to refuse all forms of violence towards me, to offer myself the same consideration that I offered to others so I stick to this path.
Basically all of my relationships have ended because the other person had unresolved trauma that they weren’t coping with. I had a hand in the breakup too, obviously, but I’ve always been more self aware than anyone I’ve dated.
I think it’s common to be honest. I have CPTSD and a lifetime of trauma but I’ve been working on it consistently in therapy for nearly five years now. It has come to a point where I’ve outgrown people who refuse to work on their issues or even acknowledge they exist. It doesn’t make either of you bad people OP it’s just the way it goes sometimes. It’s extremely painful and I feel like a bad person on and off but I know I’ve only gotten so far in my recovery by prioritising my energy and no longer being completely codependent. I think you made the right decision for both of you
Yes
Yes my last relationship he never took accountability for his actions, he would just find another woman to soothe his emotional trauma. One right after another having multiple kids by multiple women somehow they all end up single mothers and he’s on to the next. I would say he’s a love bomber with a cute face he charms his way in. But the amount of baggage he had suffocated me, I had to leave. Now he’s with someone else. It pushed me to start a group for women dealing with narcissists, blessings in disguise
I did. 3 years ago i fell madly in love with someone who I didn’t know at the time had a lot of childhood trauma. After on and off for 6months I gathered all in me and I broke up with him for good. (This was after he said he didn’t want to get help at all.)
What made me move on was listening to these videos over and over and over:
how to fix a broken heart
breaking up with someone you love
I had to do this with a friend once when I was young. It taught me a lot about my limits. Sometimes you just need to cut the cord for your own sanity, preferably before the other person becomes too reliant on you.
Absolutely. Unfortunately some people will hold onto their pain and dysfunctional patterns like a safety blanket. I had an ex refuse to acknowledge things and used it as excuses to be really shitty to me.
It lead to me having trauma due to the toxicity. You cannot save someone from drowning who insist on flailing about. They will drown you as well.
Yeah it sucks. But you’ll move on and date people who show up whole-heartedly, and won’t ever want anything less. The men I dated after a similar relationship really highlighted the difference between being with a man who likes the idea of you and who likes the idea of women as this lame ass contrived construct vs. a man who likes you for who you actually are and genuinely appreciates women separate from what they bring into his life. That guy was the former. It meant the things he claimed to like about me, actually threatened his fragile masculinity. He spent more time worrying about what I wanted to do taking away time from us, burdening me with *himself*, emotional diarrhea at every little hiccup, and seeking ways to reinforce his victim complex.
Whereas, men in the latter group, relished who I am and saw me as their equal that they eagerly wanted to meet toe for toe. They see me as someone to build a life *with*, not someone to do the work for them. Not someone who needs to be their mommy figure. Not someone who has to reaffirm and reassure them. I was allowed to just be, and still be appreciated. There wasn’t an expected/demanded utility for me being in their life, likewise I didn’t see them as an ATM or a diary. It’s a lot of little things that will be starkly different when you’re dating a secure and emotionally stable man.
Painful to walk away from, but it’ll be worth it. I would recommend not romanticizing it either. Once you’re out of the weeds, you’ll be able to see how ridiculous this behavior is, and the grief you’ve spared yourself.
I broke up with a guy because I realized that his trauma was too much and he wasn’t seeking out healing or therapy, and it just caused too many problems between us :/
I thought I was staring something with someone earlier this year and got a hint of his trauma and what he did or didn’t do to address it in the past. I was hoping to address it with him, but he ghosted… Which is a clear sign of unresolved trauma when you think about it – the avoidance. LOL I am deeply empathetic (and self-aware, so I see what I was bringing to the table here), so I was going to put myself through some serious pain for/with this person in the hopes of mutual growth, alas… I guess he did me favor in the end, but that shit hurt a lot since I was willing to do the work with him and with myself to make it all work. Sigh!
Yes. It does suck, but it’s wonderful that you are choosing yourself and realize how you deserve better treatment.
I mean, if they don’t deal with their trauma, they’re doomed to repeat it