I have 0 recollections of this but apparently when I was a kid I killed my grandfathers duck by stomping it into the ground. I was also found with a strangled kitten in a garage. These were both things told to me by my grandmother who raised me as a kid 1-5. I also had a time where I lit a table cloth on fire while me and my brother were under it. I’m not really sure why I would ever do those things. I don’t have any violent tendencies but I told someone about this and they told me that they thought I might be psychotic. I know I have some problems with my emotions because I’ve never been sad but I’ve also never been happy. I just live in a state of boredom. I don’t really know what I expect out of posting this either but I figured I should write it somewhere.
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My friend, this is something you should take serious. I am by no means a qualified person to tell you anything other than, you should talk to a Dr or psychiatrist. Do you, by any chance, have a history of bed wetting? If so, along with hurting animals and starting fires at a young age, completes what they call the Macdonald Triad. The MT has potential for violent behaviors as an adult. Along with not ever feeling happy or sad … I’d say you need to talk to a professional.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/7C3U0W69Gn2BsT7ic2Oqx8?si=8ITqt7fjSruRdsvudlXG7A
You need serious help. Please find it before you do something you (won’t) regret.
If you don’t remember those things, then maybe you didn’t do them. Maybe they didn’t even happen. Go to therapy and deal with your depression, but unless you’re hurting other living creatures, I wouldn’t worry about some story someone told you. Those are disturbing thoughts, but you have no way to confirm that it actually happened, so live your life going forward making sure you never do anything like what was described and just take good care of your mental and spiritual health.
Sounds a bit like ASPD. This isn’t to say that those with ASPD are inherently violent (they absolutely aren’t), but more so I’m speaking about your “never been sad or happy” remark.
Not having the same emotional barriers can lead to impulse control issues and not being as averse to impulses that are violent or inappropriate. Many people do dumb things as (especially as kids) out of boredom/curiosity, but “dumb” things can become violent things when you aren’t going through the same psychology warning alerts others would have.
Glad to hear you can’t fathom doing these things anymore, but might still be worth speaking to a healthcare professional about. Sometimes all it takes is small shifts/events in life to push people further into apathy. Preventive care is the most effective care.
hopefully it wasn’t something you saw being done by someone, babies/children tend to copy everything they see!
Interesting
You need to visit a psych and get diagnosed. Just for your own piece of mind. Be careful on relationships as it may also reflect in the way you respond when pressured.
Has anyone else ever corroborated what your Grandmother told you? Like are you 100% sure she was telling you the truth about events?
That aside, to live in a state of apathy is not the normal human experience, so much so that it could be harmful to you or the people around you.
I know you’ve commented asking why you should get things checked out, and that basically you don’t care. But you posted about it and took all the time to write everything out, maybe look into your motives for doing so. Because you care in some fashion about either explaining your side, desiring people’s negative reactions for shock value, whatever you might be getting out of it. For somebody who generally doesn’t feel things, you are seeking some feelings here.
I used to play with dolls as a child and sometimes I would take their heads off.
I don’t want to say you’re crazy, but I never got to certain things when I was bored.
Maybe it was just a transition in your life, and today you are a different person (I hope). If not, try talking to someone more knowledgeable, such as a psychologist.
Was anyone else there to confirm that you did these things, or just your grandmother? Could the tablecloth just been an accident from kids messing around with matches or something? What did your brother have to say about the incident?
Are you okay “living in a state of boredom”, or “never being sad or happy”?
Strangling kittens isn’t normal, unless they’re me dressed up like a kitten. Maybe speak to a Psychiatrist just in case, better to get an early diagnosis before an event occurs.
Talk with a therapist. Not all sociopaths are dangerous though. Just because you don’t feel empathy doesn’t necessarily mean you want to hurt people.
Check with your parents if you ever had an accident or fell and hit your head. You might’ve had some damage on the neo frontal cortex. Those things aren’t your fault, if they happened when you were like 5, there is no possible way you could have known good from bad. Most kids at that age are even a danger to themselves, which is why they’re constantly on watch. Now the other thing is it’s possible grandma or grandpa is having some false memories due to age or even medications. Either way, you are conscientious of your own current life and there is no possible way you or anyone in your circles could hold you accountable for something that may or may not have occurred a very long time ago.
Former child therapist here. These behaviors often indicate underlying issues that need addressing. Don’t carry shame about your past – you were a child. What matters is seeking support now. Many of my former patients grew into compassionate, successful adults after getting proper help.
I agree with some others, what you describe sounds like ASPD/psychopathy/sociopathy (NOT psychosis though, you have apparently never been delusional or delirious).
There is a very interesting documentary about the psychopathic brain, made by a researcher who turned out to have such a brain (he saw it on the scans). He didn’t become a violent criminal though, because he was very intelligent and raised with deep love and strong values.
Nature vs Nurture!
The Neuroscientist Who Discovered He Was A Psychopath
Discovering One’s Hidden Psychopathy — James Fallon (2014) HD
James Fallon, The Psychopath Inside