Hey, everyone! So I ‘25F’ have been in a relationship with Eric ‘28M’ for almost two years now.
For background on this situation: both he and I live with our respective parents. I left a relationship 3 years ago, and moved back in with mine. He lives with his mother ‘60F’ in her apartment. His mother is disabled and cannot work and is barely able to move around much because of some type of bone issue (I’m unsure exactly what it is, but she was born with it.) She does have an aide that comes in most days of the week for several hours that helps her with daily things like cleaning or running errands.
He pays the rent and the water bill as well as brings food and such in the apartment, but it’s just her on the lease. And I’m not sure if it matters but just for clarity I am white and he and his mother are both black.
So, the issue I’m having is this, his mom brought up several days ago (the last time I spent the night) that she “Never disrespected my mother by bringing a man home.”
She was ranting about a lot of things before that, and ended up zeroing in on Eric and just a lot of things that she is apparently annoyed about. I’m not going to list everything because she was ranting for like an hour and a half.
Eric tells me that he always asks if I can stay over beforehand and she always says yes that’s fine. When I don’t stay over for a while I hear her while he and I are on the phone asking,”Where is OP? How come she hasn’t been staying over?” So all this leads me to believe she doesn’t mind but then she gets in a mood where she says pretty much the same things.
“I never disrespected my mother by bringing a man home!” “I don’t think it’s right that he has you around his kids so early.” And things of that nature.
So, after this last time I told him that night that I didn’t know if I was going to stay over anymore because this wasn’t the first time she’s said something just like that and I’m not trying to be over here if she’s actually not okay with it. If she sees it as disrespectful then I don’t want to disrespect her or her home because that was never my intention.
But he’s still trying to get me to stay over and I just need advice on how to word how I feel about it. His explanation is just that “oh she just says stuff when she’s been drinking don’t listen to her” but for me, even if she’s drinking why should I continuously put myself in a situation where I feel like I’m not wanted there?
So, how do I explain to him that because of this I’m just not comfortable staying over?
TL;DR: Boyfriends mother said she never disrespected her mother by bringing a man home, so I told my boyfriend I don’t want to stay overnight anymore but he doesn’t understand why.
Comments
Kids, drinking, passive aggressive comments, boyfriend not taking you seriously, idk girlie you’re only 25 I feel like you could do better but that’s just me
This sounds exhausting. You don’t feel comfortable at his house so don’t go there. He may not like it but that’s on him.
He’s choosing not to understand. He is choosing not to empathize. He is choosing not to take you seriously, because actually listening and respecting what you say, would be inconvenient for him.
Stop believing men who pretend to be this dumb. If they are as dumb as they pretend to be, don’t date them, but usually they are not. They are conveniently, selectively dumb, when it makes thier lives easier.
Tell him you do not like how his mother treats you, and he is welcome to visit you at yours. You are going to visit him at his for the foreseeable future, because you do not enjoy her behaviour or her comments.
Then just keep saying No when he invites you. Don’t “explain” like he’s a small child who just doesn’t get it. It doesn’t matter if he chooses to understand or not. Don’t justify. Remind him you’ve been clear. It’s not a debate or negotiation. It’s a No.
Respecting his choice to support his mother does not mean exposing yourself to her behaviour.
You don’t have to make him understand, you can tell him you are done going over there, and then just stop. At that point you don’t have to convince him, you just stop. And if he keeps asking, tell him to respect your decision.
If he won’t respect your ‘no’, then you find better men who will. Full stop.
Sounds like baggage. His life will be controlled by his mother for the foreseeable future.
When will your relationship move on from sleepovers that you need permission for – to living together independently.
You’re 25 childless and free.
Move on to someone else.
He has kids who presumably end up sleeping over his mother’s house. He then brings you, a stranger, to stay over her house. She’s annoyed and rightfully so. Poor kids probably don’t even have their own room because again its her house. Stop going over there. He needs to get his shit together before dating. You’re young remove yourself from this shit show
> His explanation is just that “oh she just says stuff when she’s been drinking don’t listen to her”
“I have no choice but to listen to her in her own home. I am a guest, she lives there. If she doesn’t want me there, then I am not welcome, regardless of what you say.”
I think you need to take a hard look at the future of this relationship. This man is not going to be free to build a life with you as long as he is keeping his very-disabled mother afloat, and she is an (understandably) unhappy and isolated person, with a drinking problem to boot. There will always be bad days with her. There will always be moments when she lashes out at one or both of you, simply because she has no one else to lash out at. You will never know where you stand with her on any given day, and she’s the lease-holder. She gets to decide who can spend time in her home.
I don’t see a happy ending for you two. But maybe you see something I don’t. Think hard and weigh your options.
You can tell him, but…what is the future here, OP? She lives with him, seemingly out of a need to. I assume you eventually want to move in together and…guess what, she’s not leaving.
I would suspect she’s on pain meds or atleast in differing level of pain based on description. This might make her temperament inconsistent.
I’d suggest a conversation with you and her about staying over. Outline that you like her son and want to be part of his life. Hopefully having it out in the open with her will sort it out. And I think talking to her directly will build a relationship and trust with her that might be lack if her son handles conversations.