MIL is obsessed with being “the grandma” in the most performative, overbearing way possible, and it’s starting to feel like she’s trying to play mommy with my baby.
We brought our 2-month-old to Easter dinner so he could meet extended family for the first time. It should’ve been a lovely day—but MIL made it all about her. She insisted on holding him constantly, to the point where other people felt awkward trying to get a turn. At one point, she even tried to take him from my husband’s cousin, who politely pushed back and said she only sees him once a year. MIL backed off but was clearly annoyed.
She also kept walking off with the baby without saying anything, even after I had just sent a message in the family group chat kindly asking people to let me know if they were going to take him somewhere. Not only did she ignore that, but I kept finding myself looking around wondering where my own baby had gone. She also took it upon herself to feed him—despite me telling her he gets really fussy and gassy after feeds and I prefer to handle it myself. She waited until I stepped away and then just did it anyway.
She wants to be the one to find his pacifier, change his outfit, make little comments like “well I’m going to hold him now because I didn’t get to last time” (which isn’t even true—she always does). She acts like she’s the default parent. Meanwhile, she doesn’t reach out to us during the week, doesn’t ask how he’s doing, doesn’t offer help. But the second we’re around other people, she becomes this all-hands-on-deck grandma who’s glued to him and clearly performing for the room.
I barely held my own baby yesterday. It was honestly heartbreaking. And when I do have him, or if I’m baby-wearing, I can tell she gets annoyed—like I’m taking her baby from her.
I know she’s probably grieving a bit (her other son went NC recently), and I do have empathy for that. But I also need her to respect that I am the mom. This isn’t about proving who loves him more—it’s about respecting boundaries and not turning every family event into a competition.
I feel like I have to fight for time with my own child, and I’m getting exhausted. She seems to feel entitled to be with him all the time and never gives me space to just be his mom. Is this something I need to confront head-on with her?I’m so torn, and I don’t want to make things worse, but I also can’t keep letting her trample my boundaries.
Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? How do you handle it?
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/jademeaw:
^(To be notified as soon as jademeaw posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe jademeaw JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
You need to sit her down and explain to her that she is equal in importance with ALL extended family members and not more important. She is over stepping and acting like a third parent when she is not. During extended family visits she does not automatically get more time than other extended family just because she is grandma. You need to set some clear boundaries and expectations.
you say you don’t want to make things worst. well, things are bad and you and husband need to do something about it.
MIL has taken over being your baby’s mother and you don’t want to make things “worst“. Time to step up and be the protective parent.
Words appear to have no affect on MIL. you need to establish clear boundaries and consequences. firm and severe boundaries and consequences. MIL dies many things you don’t want to happen to your child.
it’s time for a time out no holding baby, no seeing baby for awhile, etc.
When MIL does something she is not suppose to do, immediately, at that moment, address the issue. don’t wait, she will deny it. don’t fall for fake tears and tantrum. even with others around, do it. I’m sure they know what MIL is like.
You and husband need to develop a backbone. You don’t want to make things “worst”. MIL has shown she no respect for you and your decisions with your child.