TIFU By Eating an Old Egg

CW: Bodily fluids. Marked as NSFW out of utmost caution though it’s truly not that bad.

To set the scene: I’ve been on a health kick and I’ve been pretty consistent since January. I love a good breakfast sando and wanted to up my morning protein so I meal prepped 5 low calorie English muffins with a vegan sausage, and super thin slice of cheese, and I cooked up an over medium/hard egg for each. I wrapped each one in a tidy sheet of parchment, stuck them in a baggy, tossed it in the fridge, and called it a day. Most mornings last week, I treated myself to a delicious breakfast and I was pleased with my choices.

I was pleased until yesterday. I realized I had one more breakfast sandwich left. A quick thought of “this sandwich is now a week old; if this a good idea” crossed my mind but it didn’t smell or taste weird, so I carried on and then went about my day. I was none the wiser that I’d put myself in peril until 2am today. I could feel my tummy start rumbling, but I’m also on my period so this isn’t completely out of the norm. So I get up, use the restroom and it’s as if my asshole was possessed by the ghost of Mt. Vesuvius. Not a solid thing passed through me, just gross, hot liquid spewing forth. Things would calm down, I’d go back to bed, experience the eggiest burp that Satan himself would be jealous of, only to be back up and on my way to the bathroom. This continued on from 2am until 7:30am and twice I didn’t quite make it in time. Praise Jeebus for solid period underwear.

Things are slowly righting themselves and I’m down two pounds since yesterday and I wouldn’t recommend this method of weight loss to anyone.

TL;DR: I ate a homemade egg sando from a week ago and shit my brains out.