My parents met after their first spouses died. My mom was 2 years out from her first husband dying and my dad was maybe 3 years out from his wife dying. It might’ve been closer to 4. I feel like I heard both. Anyway, they both had kids from their first marriage. My mom had two kids who were 6 and 7 when she met my dad and my dad had a 9 year old when he met my mom.
They dated for like two years before they got married. Their kids never liked it. They never got close. Extended family mentioned how fractured things were before they lived together even and how it got worse when they all moved into the same house.
So about a year into their marriage my parents decided they would have a kid to bring the family together and that’s where I (17m) come into the equation.
Before I was even born my parents had this idea that everyone would bond over me and I would be loved and it would be great. But it wasn’t great. Nobody bonded over me except for maybe the two of them and even then I think they were bonded just fine before. My half siblings never wanted a half sibling. They never wanted their parent to have a baby with someone who wasn’t their dead parent. I was not a welcome member of the family and I have felt that dislike for as long as I can remember back.
My half siblings totally resented me existing and eventually my parents did too. It was subtle at times. But they used to tell me I had a job to do and that was to reach out to my (half) siblings. If I mentioned how unhappy it made me to be rejected they’d say I was supposed to keep trying anyway and that was the whole point. After finding out they had me to bring everyone together I realized it was their way of saying that was the point of me being alive. Other ways it showed is when I didn’t get something 100% right and they’d ask me if I could ever do what I was supposed to.
The older I get the more it becomes an issue. Two of my half siblings got married in the last two years. I wasn’t invited to either wedding. One of my half siblings has at least two kids now too and I never met them. My parents encouraged me to send gifts and reach out and try to be involved but my half sibling shut that down.
Another fucked up thing they did in an effort for me to be the unifying baby or whatever you’d call it, is they named me after their dead spouses. I have the boy version of dad’s first wife’s name as my first name and my middle name is a variant of mom’s first husband’s name. That has sucked on multiple different levels and apparently my half siblings blew every fuse when they heard my name for the first time. My parents typically call me by both in some double barrel type of name. Their families tried to convince them to name me something different but they said it was symbolic. The only thing it symbolizes is the equal disinterest from my three half siblings.
The other day my parents were being pissy because I didn’t call to wish one of the half’s a happy birthday and they were being really annoying about it and I told them they sucked as parents. I said they never should have put so much on me or had me for such a dumb reason and the fucked up part was they resented me too. I admitted to resenting them for those choices and my parents got mad and said it’s such a normal thing to do and I had no reason to resent them or blame them for any of this.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. Your parents put an unfair burden on you before you were even born, expecting you to fix a broken family. That was never your responsibility. Naming you after their late spouses made things worse, and their resentment toward you is deeply unfair. You have every right to be angry and set boundaries.
Absolutely NTA. You were brought into this world with an unfair burden placed on you, and that’s not your fault. It was never your job to fix a fractured family, and it’s heartbreaking that your parents made you feel like that was your entire purpose. You have every right to feel the way you do, and honestly, they owe you a massive apology for the way they treated you.
NTA.
Adults need to stop treating kids as commodities, tools and whims they have. Not just in blended families but those who think is ok to exploit others so they can have a baby.
Your parents had you selfishly and they didn’t have any of their kids best interests in mind, otherwise, they wouldn’t had married seeing their already existing kids hated it.
Those kids were already having a bad time due to grief, they were the adults but they selfishly put their happiness over the minors who also were too little at the time.
Then they had another kid, like someone who orders a tool, thinking they could use them for their delusional idea of unifying the kids they were already mistreating.
They are the major AH who think children are things.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Your parents were wrong and should have thought a little more about this.
If they wanted to bring the family together they should have just bought a dog it would have been easier.
None of this is your fault, have you ever thought about legally changing your name?
Your parents set you up for failure right from the beginning. It doesn’t sound like your half siblings even wanted them to get married, let alone have a “band-aid baby” to fix everything. They doubled down on their lack of insight by naming you after their deceased spouses. It’s odd to me that your half siblings are so much older, but you need to reach out and mend fences you never broke in the first place. Why don’t your parents force THEM to work on having a better relationship with their half brother instead of forcing a minor to do all of the heavy lifting?! I’ve got bad news for your parents. If your half siblings haven’t accepted you after 17 years?! They’re never going to. I’m sorry you’re going through this. NTA and best of luck to you! 🍀
You are NTA, but your parents are AH. I would change my names when I am an adult
NTA
Your entire family sucks! Your parents need some serious therapy, and your half siblings need to grow up and put the blame where it belongs. On your parents’ shoulders.
My advice. You should get therapy. Get it while you are young and can work through the unfair, crazy, toxic (I could go on) issues your parents have and placed on you like it was your problem. It’s not!!!
You have value outside of your family. You just need to see that. I don’t know where you live, but try and move out as soon as you can for university. That will help you put some distance and for you to get on your own feet. Find yourself. You have worth! Your only job in life is to be a good human and productive member of society. You have no responsibility to or for your family for anything.
Honestly, if it hurts you to try and have a relationship with your siblings, then don’t. Treat them as they treat you. As for your parents… I’d consider low contact once you’re finally able to move out.
I’m so sorry you are being treated like this. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It really is downright crazy! Best of luck!
PS… maybe consider changing your name when you turn 18. That’s only if you want to. Might help you though.
NTA and tbh I think you need distance between both you and your parents and your half siblings to give you some time to heal, and some therapy to help you. I would strongly advise looking at ways you can create some distance – do you have some extended family who would be willing to help?
Your whole family has failed you. I can’t blame your half siblings for when they were children, but the fact that they’ve pulled this right through into adulthood, to the point you’ve not met their children, and put it on you instead of your parents is way out of line.
Please know this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the, their grief, and your parents complete lack empathy and ability to deal with their own grief. You never should have had this expectation set on your shoulders – you were set up to fail from the start.
NTA, your parents are dead wrong. This has never been your job or purpose in life. Do you have any family members you can live with? You need to get away from this toxic shit show. Work very hard on getting away. You deserve so much better. Life will get better as you create a life of your own.
Updateme
NTA your parents are idiotic AHs. They already had kids who were unhappy with their marriage and they really thought a baby would fix that, not just a baby but a baby with their dead parents names. That is messed up
Honestly go nc with your parents as soon as you can and work to realise you weren’t born to fix their issues. You are your own person who gets to decide what their life is for
Geez NTA, hope your adult life goes well for you.
So your parents were the OG TRAUMA BONDERS huh?
Your parents sound abusive. That is absolutely awful! None of that is your responsibility
NTA. As soon as you can support yourself you should walk away and change your name.
Family is not everything and your family suck.
Your parents are delusional. Just quit doing anything you don’t want. So stop any communication with your half siblings. Your 17 start standing up and saying no. Tell them that unless they change, they will lose you too. They have lost the other children for a reason. That reason will make you go no contact too. I don’t expect them to really change, but it might make your life easier if they know they can’t keep pushing you. So sit them down. Explain that you are done being the family fix. That unless they want to lose all contact with you after you are an adult, this has to stop now. And stay strong. Don’t let them cross your boundaries.
NTA but change your name to something that shows you are you and not some fucked up glue bs.
If you don’t like your name, you can legally change it at 18.
NTA your feelings are valid and your parents suck. We need an 18, you can legally change your name to whatever you want it to be. You can reach out at that point and just tell your half siblings you’re sorry that you never got to have a relationship with them and that your parents put so much pressure on that that you didn’t ask to be put in that position and you recognize they did not either. It was a shitty situation for everybody. However, I’m glad you’re here you’re going to have a great life. Your parents don’t get to dictate what you do in life. They don’t get to control you once you turn 18, you get to live your life on your terms and however, you want that to look like you will have a good life regardless of your parents misled intentions.
NTA but you have a decision to made – what should be your future – the punchingbag or go NC and chance your name
Dear God. Just awful. Change your name, and wave bye bye. It’s been swell, see you never. Your parents are inconsiderate and thoughtless. May your road be smooth, and the person you really are, has a wonderful life.
Definitely NTA. This counts as child abuse in my opinion. Your parents are delusional. I agree with everyone who suggested that at 18 you get out of there and change your name. Become the person you want to be. If there is other family willing to help you, accept that gratefully.
NTA. You are not to blame for your parents failings as parents.
Get through the last year of being a child. Become an adult. Change your name and go no contact.
You can’t reason with stupid.
NTA.
You are not their bandaid, their little fix it baby. You are a whole person, with your own dreams, ideas, friends, and plans. You might be able to move out with a friend at this age. You’re almost 18, I heavily suggest getting a job if you don’t have one and save as much money as possible.
I don’t recall if you need someone over 18 to open a bank account however, you should research that for your area. But save money, find your birth certificate, SSN and any other important papers quietly (do not try to ask for them unless you are absolutely sure your parents will not withhold them from you) and see if you can arrange some rental agreement either with a friend’s family or maybe see if you and a few friends can find an apartment.
It will suck. You will be riding an adrenaline high for a while and that crash will be awful. And your egg and sperm donors will try to make it all to be your fault. Just remember this. You never asked to be born.
You were a child, reliant upon your parents. It was their responsibility to do anything to try and fix the relationship between their children. If they try and use the “We fed you and housed you” argument, THEY WERE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO. That is no argument at all. You need to be able to go and live your life. If your half siblings ever decide later to try and repair the relationship, fine. But I heavily suggest going very low to no contact with your parents for a while when you manage to leave, and therapy is a must (I know how hard it is to find a therapist tho, so be prepared for a months to years long search)
NTA. All of that was extremely inappropriate, and I hope you can find a way forward to heal.
I don’t think your relationships with your siblings are irreparable, but there’d have to stop being such great pressure on the situation, and it has to stop being YOUR responsibility when you aren’t the only person in the relationship. Likely, you being an adult and building your own life will take some of the pressure off things (except around holidays.)
Start living for yourself, not for their expectations. I know names are a very personal and complex thing, but it sounds like you may benefit from a name change, to remove the ties and expectations including bearing the names of unrelated dead people you never met. Obviously you’ve lived with that being “you”, so that might not be something your interested in, but it sounds like something you’re bitter about and could be a way to symbolically signal changing from the child they pressured you to be and transforming into accepting it’s ok who you are.
As you become an adult, it’s going to be completely up to you what relationships you choose to nurture, what you allow to fade, and what you completely cut off. You can curate whichever ones you care to maintain. It’s your life, and you don’t have to live it the way other people want you to. You siblings are parents relationships with you were always their responsibility. Adding a baby and more relationships to the dynamic was never going to fix other people. Because fixing relationships takes work from the people in the relationship. Not adding more relationships to a baby and then putting pressure on the baby to magically fix things between others.
When relationships are broken, adding more relationships never helps. That can be a baby into a broken marriage or broken family, or an affair or opening a marriage. When things are broken, adding more relationships and ignoring working on those breaks will never work. You parents put all these expectations on you, but let you grow up in an environment where you were set up to fail at that task. And that’s 100% on them.
NTA
As soon as you are able to, move out and go NC with all of those who put this on you. Change the name to something you like.
Send a short message to all your half-siblings that you have cut contact with your parents, and that you will not bother any of them again and you hope they’ll have a life. (I left the nice out on purpose).
You seem like a bright man, and do not let this get you down.
Start building your life, look into support groups, do some voluntary work (maybe with animals?), find happiness for yourself. ❤️
Yep. It’s “normal”. So normal that it’s been done by millions of people before you and still doesn’t work out well in the end. But everyone who does it thinks they are the exception to the rule. NTA. It’s not your responsibility to keep taking rejection. You know how to take a hint. I don’t know if your parents do. Or maybe they do but don’t care because it’s not directed at them. That’s not your job. That’s not your purpose in life regardless of how they want it to be. Don’t keep reaching out to the halfs when they don’t care to answer or reach out to you.
I was born for a different fukked up reason. By the time my dad’s wife died and he made that remark at her funeral that he is not interested in marrying again… That was the year my mother finally accepted the reality. I was close to 30 years old when that happened. My mother had me so that my father could leave his wife for her. It never happened. I knew when I was 6 that something was wrong with this picture. And I’m sure you’ve known for a while too.
Do me a favor. Focus on yourself and living your best life and best/happiest version of yourself. Even with everything else you may have going on, this part of your life will take up at lot of time if you let it get out of hand. Do not spend your time being rejected. If your parents ask, tell them you tried and you won’t be trying again. And that’s even if you didn’t wish them a happy birthday this year. The fact is you tried (years ago) and you won’t be trying again (this year).
They need to come to terms with how stupid this plan was thinking someone will be born to love being rejected. This is on them. Not you. And not even your half siblings. Just them as parents.
Change your name. Celebrate your new identity with a party. Accept that the past cannot be changed—despite the resentment toward your parents’ union and the fact that you weren’t born out of love but obligation. Harsh as it may be, the reality is that your parents made a mistake in having you and naming you. Let everyone continue as they are, but make it clear: you are no longer living under their expectations.
NTA
NTA
It wasn’t right to put that burden on you (or on anyone not themselves- since they were the ones determined to force it).
Also, “it’s totally normal to have a baby so the babies whose feelings we’re ignoring will just stop whining about it” is not normal. That’s some… cope or something.
You deserved better, and so did the half siblings.
I hope you’re making plans for after school finishes. You’re so much more than a band-aid. Go out and find the life you deserve. That’s normal with toxic parents.
At 18. You can legally change your name (in US)
Food for thought.