I (35F) have been with my partner, Jamie (33M), for over six years and we’re getting married this fall. For most of our relationship, I’ve had a close bond with his brother, Matt (37M), and Matt’s wife, Claire (39F). We’ve shared holidays, dinners, hangouts, and I’ve always done what I could to support them, especially during hard times (I am the primary source of income).
About two months ago, I bought a new car and offered them my old car ($6.5k). It was still in good working condition and they accepted it so I fully transferred it over to them. It was a genuine gift, from a place of love and support, and I was happy to help because they relied 100% on public transportation. Over the past years, I also gave small things, like household items, groceries, things for their kid… all meant kindly, never with any expectations.
But now things have shifted. Claire recently initiated a conversation where she said the gifts and emotional support I offered had felt “too much, overwhelming” etc., and even went as far as saying she felt I was using them to fulfill my own emotional needs. She said she no longer feels comfortable around me and wants to limit contact (i.e. don’t text them unless they text first) and “slow down”. This completely blindsided me! I was never given any indication before that she felt this way.
One example Claire brought up really confused me. They have a shy cat, Shadow, who hides whenever we visit. We’ve never seen her in person and it became a running joke between me and Jamie that she “might not actually exist”; a reference to the M&M Christmas commercial (“He does exist!”). Claire said she found that joke offensive, like we were mocking a traumatized animal. That felt like a major overreaction to something lighthearted and affectionate.
Now here’s the part that’s really been weighing on me: Claire and Matt have made it clear they don’t want any more gifts or support and that our relationship needs distance. Gifts for their kid are okay. And they’re still happy to keep the car I gave them… something that came from a time when our relationship was close, warm, and mutual.
To be clear, I haven’t asked for the car back. But I’ve been thinking about sending a message, not demanding anything, but pointing out the emotional disconnect: that they’ve rejected ongoing support, suggested past support was not genuine yet have no issue keeping such a significant gift: the car. I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.
Jamie is supportive of whatever decision I make, but he’s worried this might further rupture things with his family. His mom also relies on Matt and Claire for transportation to our wedding, and he’s concerned that asking for the car back… or even just bringing it up… might make that more complicated.
So… WIBTA for wanting to ask them to reflect on this? Or even possibly asking for the car back?
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I (35F) have been with my partner, Jamie (33M), for over six years and we’re getting married this fall. For most of our relationship, I’ve had a close bond with his brother, Matt (37M), and Matt’s wife, Claire (39F). We’ve shared holidays, dinners, hangouts, and I’ve always done what I could to support them, especially during hard times (I am the primary source of income).
About two months ago, I bought a new car and offered them my old car ($6.5k). It was still in good working condition and they accepted it so I fully transferred it over to them. It was a genuine gift, from a place of love and support, and I was happy to help because they relied 100% on public transportation. Over the past years, I also gave small things, like household items, groceries, things for their kid… all meant kindly, never with any expectations.
But now things have shifted. Claire recently initiated a conversation where she said the gifts and emotional support I offered had felt “too much, overwhelming” etc., and even went as far as saying she felt I was using them to fulfill my own emotional needs. She said she no longer feels comfortable around me and wants to limit contact (i.e. don’t text them unless they text first) and “slow down”. This completely blindsided me! I was never given any indication before that she felt this way.
One example Claire brought up really confused me. They have a shy cat, Shadow, who hides whenever we visit. We’ve never seen her in person and it became a running joke between me and Jamie that she “might not actually exist”; a reference to the M&M Christmas commercial (“He does exist!”). Claire said she found that joke offensive, like we were mocking a traumatized animal. That felt like a major overreaction to something lighthearted and affectionate.
Now here’s the part that’s really been weighing on me: Claire and Matt have made it clear they don’t want any more gifts or support and that our relationship needs distance. Gifts for their kid are okay. And they’re still happy to keep the car I gave them… something that came from a time when our relationship was close, warm, and mutual.
To be clear, I haven’t asked for the car back. But I’ve been thinking about sending a message, not demanding anything, but pointing out the emotional disconnect: that they’ve rejected ongoing support, suggested past support was not genuine yet have no issue keeping such a significant gift: the car. I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.
Jamie is supportive of whatever decision I make, but he’s worried this might further rupture things with his family. His mom also relies on Matt and Claire for transportation to our wedding, and he’s concerned that asking for the car back… or even just bringing it up… might make that more complicated.
So… AITA for wanting to ask them to reflect on this? Or even possibly asking for the car back?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am asking if I would the asshole if I asked for a gift back from a family member after they changed the nature of our relationship (no more gifts and limiting contact). This might make me the asshole because it’s an asshole thing to ask for a gift back in most situations.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA.
You don’t ask for gifts back. In any circumstance. And it sounds like it may be time for some self-reflection. Obviously something is bothersome to them and you even dismiss their thoughts about your “light hearted” comments about their cat and say it was just “affection.” Are you too forward? Do you push an agenda? Do you expect them to have certain reactions to the things you say and do every time? DO you brag to others about how much support you give?
If the car was indeed meant as a “genuine gift”, then no you shouldn’t ask for it back. As you said, it was given during better times in the relationship. Now the dynamic of the relationship has changed per their request. So it would be appropriate to just do a NO GIFTS policy with them going forward.
I also think that it’s probably best to leave things where they lie and not ask for further clarification so this doesn’t breakdown any further before your wedding. Give it some time and see if a discussion between all of you can happen at a later time.
To ask for the car back, you would be TA.
It was a gift you gave w/pure intentions.
Claire is the one with the problem, not you.
For Claire say she’s uncomfortable receiving gifts is a bunch of BS. If she’s so uncomfortable, then she can say, “No thank you.”
Don’t give them another damn thing. And scale back on what you give their children.
And even if they change their tune about being uncomfortable, say, “Oh great! I’m glad your comfortable!” But cut that gravy train completely off.
Sheesh. Some people!
YTA – It might be time for you to do some self-reflection. Yes, you sound like a generous person, but ask where that comes from. Is it more to fulfill your own emotional needs? A savior complex? Or just genuinely having gift-giving as your love language?
Try to see how constant gifts, especially expensive ones, can feel overwhelming and smothering. She’s clearly communicated this to you now, so it’s time for you to take a step back and try to analyze how exactly you’re coming off with this.
Also, that car is theirs! Using it to emotionally guilt trip them would be an AH move, and you can’t ask them to give it back because it’s theirs. It is no longer yours, you have no more right asking them to give that car back than you would asking a random Tom, Dick, or Harry off the street to give you their car. It’s not your car!
Reaching out to give this message would also be blatantly disrespecting what she asked of you. Don’t text them until they text you! Respect that. Maybe you overwhelm with texts as well as gifts, or you should take more time to think things through before impulsively texting them.
It’s understandable to feel hurt, but asking for the car back might come across as transactional and could make things more strained. They’ve set a clear boundary by rejecting further support, so pushing for the car could make it harder to repair the relationship. It’s not unreasonable to want closure or to address the emotional disconnect, but it’s really important to think about how this could impact your future family dynamics, especially with your wedding approaching. Sometimes, the best move is to accept the situation and focus on what’s best for you and your future with Jamie, even if it’s uncomfortable. Hard as it is, let the past gift be a symbol of goodwill rather than a point of contention.
YWBTA if you ask for them to return the car to you. Here’s what you can do:
“I’m sorry if I have made you uncomfortable with my gifts. I enjoy your friendship and will respect if you prefer that I do not continue giving so many gifts” then accept the boundary and stop the gifting. You gave them what you have given, don’t ask for it back but if you want to salvage this it cannot continue. If they choose to limit contact anyway, that is their decision but don’t push the issue and cause more stress before the wedding. Just try to accept it and move on with your life. If you love gifting, there will be other people in your life who will appreciate and allow it. Not everybody likes that, and that’s ok.
NTA
I wouldn’t ask for it back, but I would send her a note asking if the car was over the top, and if she would prefer that you took it back.
If she actually gives back the car, then I would say her issue is genuine, and she’s very uncomfortable.
If she gets upset about you asking if she wants to give back the car – then she’s just being a problem on purpose.
At that point – cut off all gifts, as requested- no, do not send gifts to the children, no, do not send gifts to the parents, no, do not help them in any way, shape or form.
Either they will learn to stand on their own two feet, or she will apologize.
YTA. I know where you’re coming from, but even asking the question makes me wonder if Claire has a point.
If you give a gift, it comes with no strings. You, as the giver, don’t get some kind of standing from it. From the sounds of it, you’ve been giving A LOT of things to their household. They have to wonder if you see them as a charity case. They have to wonder if you see them as a trash dump. They’re older than you, but they have to wonder if you see them as immature since you’re always passing them hand-me-downs.
Asking for the car back just makes it readily apparent that you gave gifts for the standing it gave you, and not for the usefulness they could find in in.
The OPTICS of it are, from your side of it, ingracious. They’re too good for the small things you’ve been giving them, but not too good for the car. But I want you to think about it in terms of what I wrote in my second paragraph/section. There should be no need to repeatedly give gifts to an adult household who are stable and making it on their own. Doing so carries a stigma of judgement, whether you consciously feel it or not.
I am curious as to why this is coming as a contact limit and not just an object limit. There should have been a stop somewhere between the gifts and limiting contact, and I have to wonder if there was and you missed it. Whether there was or not, you’re here, and you need to respect their request.
Don’t mention the car. Let it go, and keep any thoughts or judgements about that inside your own head. Vent to your husband. Vent to friends if you need to, and don’t share social circles with Claire. But let it be for now.
NTA. Don’t hit them up for the car back though. You’ll never hear the end of it.
YWBTA. You gave them a gift out of love.
Just stop giving gifts. It hurts when people provide boundaries that feel unfair, but she expressed discomfort. I’ve been in her shoes and it’s hard to look at gift horse in the mouth, but even harder to tell someone it feels very uncomfortable and guilt inducing to always accept gifts you can never return in kind.
Give her some space. She may just be uncomfortable and not have the right words to navigate it; it sounds like she just feels guilty that she’s getting so much she didn’t ask for and feels love bombed. We live in a culture where it can be hard to tell what is love bombing and what is just a person doing something kind; the world is less trusting and more transaction-based than ever.
Yes you would be TAH if you asked for the car back. As the song says ‘let it go’. Claire has drawn a boundary, fine, unlikely the real issue but whatever. No more gifts and next time she complains she is lacking or needs something say nothing and give nothing. If anything is said it would be for Jamie to say to his brother you’re a little put out and never meant anything bad by your kind gestures.
YTA
The car isn’t yours anymore. You gave it to them. Or wasn’t it a gift freely given? It sounds like it came with strings… emotional strings. You may want to do some reflecting on that. If I can pick up on that in your relatively short post, I’m wondering if that is what your future BIL and his wife may have also been feeling.
YWBTA. Don’t back track. Just let it lie and pause gifts and contact for now.
YWBTA if you ask for the car back. I’ve always helped my family and am the most successful person in my immediate family. At one point I realized I had created some unhealthy dynamics from what was originally a nice intention to help my family members. I stopped helping and both of my family members I helped the most did better without me as a safety net. I had to accept that helping them doesn’t automatically mean I was in the right
a gift is a gift. You don’t get to ask for it back.
ywbta
NTA. OP, look up gift recipient resentment. It’s a psychological phenomenon where the recipient of a continual stream of gifts turns on the gifter.
There is an imbalance of power in your relationship and resentment has arrived.
I gave my best friend a car. His wife hates me. You just can’t win.
Honestly if you already transferred the car over to them, you have no recourse to reclaim it. That being said, I’m so sorry they made you feel badly for trying to do right by them. Asking for it back, would make it look they were right about your intentions., and an AH.
This is a battle vs war situation. in the long run, their/her “request” will bite them in the ass the next time they need something and the tap is officially closed. Continue to live your best life, pamper those around you- including their kids who are innocent of their parents assholery, while intentionally giving them nothing. Ever again. (I mean go full petty, gifts for everyone at Xmas EXCEPT them. Don’t want them to be uncomfortable after all) I suggest a grey-rock relationship moving forward. You’ll have to see them at family events, but you definitely don’t need to engage them in any conversation.
Apparently the joy you felt from being able to help a loved one was unacceptable, because somehow it made her feel less than.
Let them keep the car since it was given from the heart. Give them the space they need and when they decide to come back into your life, YOU decide how much contact you will allow them to have.
Dont ask for it back – they will dirt you to everyone that they and you know as well as family – you don’t need that headache. LC or NC – invite them to the wedding but don’t expect them to show up – don’t walk on eggshells around them if they do – live your life as you would – when they ask for anything just politely say that your unable to (whatever they ask for) politely say your unable to help/gift weather its for them or their kids – if you have dinner with them make sure they know that your not paying for their meal – if at a family even say hi but your dont have to be too nice just make it so they know they dont matter to you.
YWBTA – A gift is a gift no strings attached. You don’t get to retaliate to their no gifting request by taking back a gift.
Please to not ask for the car back. Don’t react to anything they say. There will come a time when they wish they had your help. Don’t do a thing for them anymore. No more favors, gifts, financial assistance. Be cordial but don’t go out of your way for them. Screw them! Ungrateful jerks!!
If the car really was a gift, then it’s theirs and you would be the AH if you asked for it back. Just stop giving them gifts.
I totally understand how you feel but no, asking for the car back is wrong.
Ywbta
UpdateMe
A gift is just that a gift and if it truly meant with love then to ask for it back is wrong. Please do not do this.
“Okay, if you feel uncomfortable receiving gifts, then please transfer $6,500 to me for the car by this Friday, and don’t worry, that is the last item your family will ever receive from me moving forward.”
Yta. You gave these things to them out of kindness, and if you ask for the car back, you’re just an asshole.
I’ve just gone through the same thing with a friend of mine, and cut her off completely. I don’t want to be someone’s object of pity, and her generosity was making me feel even worse about myself.
It’s not all about you. They have feelings, too. I’m sure they’re capable of asking if they need your help. Please be gracious.
YWBTAH: Take a step back and leave them be. Stop giving gifts. Your partner can talk to his brother about what they want to do with the car. Let him navigate the relationship for the time being.
Giving gifts they need is highlighting the power imbalance and is making them feel awful. They’ve told you and if you asked for the car back it would seem like revenge and would damage the relationship even further.
You will be if you ask for it back. Let it go. You’re better off without them in your life. Concentrate on your relationship
NAH. I’m a big gift giver too, but I’ve learned that not everyone appreciates being showered with gifts so I also have to scale back. You have good intentions, but good intentions don’t get to override how other people are feeling.
“Okay, I hear you. Do you feel the car was too much? If you would prefer to return it, I can pick it up “. NTA
I would feel exactly the way you do, but I don’t think anything good will come out of calling her out.
Her getting upset about the cat comment shows that she’s grasping at straws for reasons you are the bad guy. Likely, they are embarrassed that you are more successful/generous. They don’t want to spend time with you because the contrast makes them feel bad about themselves. Maybe the kids are always excited to see you because you’re fun and bring great gifts and that’s sparked jealousy as well. Maybe you are having the wedding that SIL always dreamed of, but didn’t get, and that’s making her spiteful.
I’d just keep them at arms length unless they apologize independently and make amends. You are going to have to see these people from time to time at family gatherings. It’s only going to lead to more awkwardness if you bring up the car. YWBTA for bringing unnecessary headaches into your life.
“I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.”
Did you really write this? You are very condescending. You are positive you know more than they do and they need you to teach them a lesson.
I see two potential problems. You are the breadwinner, not your husband. This isn’t something a sibling is doing. This is a sibling’s more wealthy spouse doing it. Which makes it extremely hard to refuse if you’d prefer to be on a more equal footing.
They needed a car and could not reasonably refuse your “gift”. A $6.5 gift is outrageous for most people in the world. Did you even consider setting up a payment plan or a skill swap so they can pay for the car over time?
Look up “toxically generous.” I found the term in a google search while I was writing this. It can see what you’ve been doing wrong but it sounds like you cannot. So learn about it and see if you can build more equal and respectful relationships in the future.
YTA
Though I totally understand the urge to ask for it back!! But I wouldn’t ask it for back and would stop giving gifts. At the holidays, I’d just give them a Xmas card. As for the kid, I’d just give a gift for their bday or Xmas.
Side note: I had a coworker that was very generous but after awhile it felt like she was trying to buy my friendship. Would she ever have guessed that I felt that way? Nope. She also texts/IM’s me all the time. It’s exhausting. It’s too much. I don’t want to talk that much or read all the memes she sends me. So if Claire wants to slow down, then do so.
ESH only because you would be the asshole for asking for the car. They are assholes and clearly in need of therapy.
I’d change your phone number and cut ties. No more talking and no gifts for the kids. Ever. Cut ties and never look back. I only say that because that’s what I do when people get weird like this. Ghost.
As much as it would be satisfying to point their odd behavior out to them, it would make you seem vengeful to ask for the car back. Let them contact you when they want to, be polite, but definitely no more expensive gifts for them! Get a wish list for the kiddo’s gifts so you can’t be accused of overdoing it. NTA, tread carefully and show how adults behave
Ywbta
I’d let it be. Who knows why they are going this route. Give modest gifts to their child and nothing more.and since it’s your spouse’s family, follow his lead.
I wouldn’t waste my breath. Believe me they think of it every time they get into that car. Very strange, but I wtsay nothing and leave everything as is.
Do not ask for the car back. Please just respect their wishes and give them space. Yes YWBTA.
I hate these kind of posts that find some random outlier situation to contradict reasonable assumptions. But my dad and stepmom used to have a cat that I almost never saw. They saw it all the time, but it was extremely shy. I did catch glimpses of it here and there. But, that part of inlaws’ story could be true.
Asking for the car back is a dick move. You’re only doing it out of hurt feelings. Besides, you can’t force them to give the car back. You may as well just write off the friendship if you’re going to do that. And again, they are going to keep it out of spite, if for no other reason.
A gift is not something you can take back. You did not loan them your (ex) car! You handed over the ownership rights to them.
That goes for the rest of their gifts. Your inlaws are crappy people – but that is their problem. Just stay away from them on a daily basis.
YWBTA. The car was a gift. Asking for it back is petty and vindictive, and you sound like a caring, generous person. Please be respectful of their boundaries and give the kids thoughtful but not excessive gifts on appropriate occasions and something nice but not extravagant for their wedding. If you show respect for their boundaries, relations may normalize. It may be you simply missed hints that they were uncomfortable before this. I wish they’d been more direct before taking drastic action.
This sounds like a polite way from her to say that you’re making them feel bad for having to rely on others to get by and they’d rather be self-sufficient
OP, I really want you to consider whether there may be ‘missing reasons’ here that you haven’t observed.
You mentioned being ‘blindsided’ about being asked to slow down and being told that your gifts are ‘overwhelming’. You also mentioned that Claire saying she found the joke about her cat offensive was a ‘major overreaction’.
I’m not getting the sense you have a lot of empathy for Claire, and I suspect there were a number of times she tried to communicate with you about your gift-giving and such and finally had to resort to direct words and a request for low contact. That usually doesn’t come out of the blue, so I would invite you to consider the alternative that she and Matt are not ungrateful but that something you are doing that puts a different look to the situation is being left out of this post because you are unaware of it.
Furthermore, considering attempting to take the gift of the car back just because you think it will teach them a lesson or send a message really shows to me that there may be more strings attached than you realize, since there’s no reason to ever ask people to return the car in this situation unless you’re mad they’re not letting you get the emotional reaction and fulfillment you want when you engage in gift-giving.
Take Claire and Matt’s words at face value and see if you can see their perspective.
Overall, YWBTA if you asked for the car back.
ETA: https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/1aza70u/comment/ks0hux9/?context=3
This was good advice on how to handle a DnD dispute that you liked. I think you’re in a #3 situation here with Claire if that helps understand the issue. Not attempting to use the past against you or anything like that, I just saw this in the history when I was looking for further context and saw that u/crazy_cat_lord wrote it out better than I could.
I can’t say YWBTA because I totally understand why you want to do it, but honestly I think you just need to forget it. Cut them out of your life. They want space? They got it. No more gifts, no more contact, period. But the car is gone. A harsh lesson, sadly.
She sounds jealous. Call it your stupid tax. Never help them again. No more gifts nothing. Not even for the kids outside of birthdays and Christmas. Keep contact minimal. Imagine coming unhinged over a a cute comment about a cat. I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to her. I’d always be walking on eggshells.
Be cordial when you see them at family events, but don’t contact them. No more gifts, holidays or financial support. They could well be feeling guilty or bad that they even need the help. Especially, being older than you. They probably feel like they’re supposed to be independent. Don’t ask for the car back. It was a gift. They didn’t have to be ugly about your love/support not being genuine, but don’t go back on your intentions. Keep true to you and save your money for yourself and your family. Not extended family.
ESH I’d never try to take back a gift unless the recipient says they don’t want it. The car was well received and used. It’s also weird to ask them to reflect on the car and all you’ve done for them. Instead, just think about going low contact to give them and both of you time to consider your relationship. I can see it might feel strange to always be the recipient, even if they need things but you don’t say they’re in serious need so maybe you overdid it. Maybe it makes them feel the relationship is lopsided and like they’re not managing their lives. I agree her comment that you’re trying to meet your emotional needs was rude and the cat thing is odd but it tells me they’re not in a good place right now, so I’d give them space. Let them reach out.
YWBTA and it would be illegal to demand return of a car that you have signed over to them.
While it isn’t exactly your scenario, there is a ton of info on parents dealing with estranged children that might be useful. This link is to the first of 3 videos (20 min each) that might help you through a path to reconciliation. https://youtu.be/Xbz197Q3ZHU?si=vfDBO3ionNZWfLcE
You need to respect Claire’s decisions. You are younger and more wealthy and that may leave her feeling that she is less than you, or she may think that you think you are better than her. Best is to follow her lead, give it time, and try to avoid putting Jamie between you and Claire. Some day you will be able to give gifts that don’t have strings or meaning attached. Good luck!
Seems like the sister in law is correct
YTA. It was a gift right. Asking for it back because you don’t like how they acting is trashy.
Don’t give them or there kids jack no more gifts not even a hi or bye zilch nada nothing
Gently, YWBTA. Don’t address past gifts.
Just don’t give them anything anymore, ever. Not even the kids. If they reach out asking why you didn’t do anything for them just let them know that you’re honestly not comfortable with that anymore now that you aren’t close, and that after what was said you feel gifts from you have become transactional rather than meaningful.
Yta for the question you have asked. A car is certainly an expensive gift but it’s also part of a necessity, so you’ve given it, just leave it.
The rest of the scenario is heartbreaking and I’m sorry you had that interaction with your Sil.
Follow her lead and dial it all back
YWBTA if you say anything but especially if you say something about the car.
With that said, They are weird as fuck.
I’d just let this situation be what it is. You’ve done nothing wrong, but you certainly have been wronged. When they do eventually text, don’t respond. Be cordial at events but i would honestly treat this situation as the breakup it is.
Your husband on the other hand should be dealing with this on his end. Communications with his family 100% fall on him from now on.
What a shit situation though, I’m sorry this is how you’re being treated.You deserve better. And as long as you don’t text them or ask for the car back, you’re 100% NTA
YWBTA If you ask for it back, you would be proving her right. Even thinking about asking for it back is showing she has a point, it did come with strings.