Our divorce was finalized about a year and a half ago. Alcohol ruled her entire life. It didn’t start out that way. We were together for six years, married for four. The last two years her drinking became more extreme. What started as her making margaritas every night turned into me coming home to her drunk every night and her being combative. I told her she needed to stop and she did for awhile but went right back to it. Then about two years ago she lost her job because she was caught drinking at work. This of course devolved into a huge fight because I didn’t make enough to support us both. More promises of sobriety and of eventually going to AA later she fell off the wagon again. I came home to her shitfaced as I had so many times before. Only this time we had a much larger fight that devolved into screaming and her throwing shit. Our neighbors called the cops, they saw she was drunk and hysterical and I was calm. They saw she hurt me by throwing shit at me (I was bleeding from a plate breaking on me) and asked me if wanted to press charges. I told them no. I wish that I did and still question why I didn’t.
After that she actually got clean for awhile and attended AA. She seemed like her old self for awhile. Then one night she wasn’t home when I got home. I instantly knew something bad was happening. I called her dozens of times. I genuinely was afraid for her life and panicking. Then she came home, drunk again and barely walking. She didn’t know where her car was, and Uber dropped her off and her underwear was gone. After yet another fight she admitted she slept with some guy and couldn’t even tell me who it was. Something inside of me snapped. I finally hit my breaking point. I’m not proud of it but I blew up majorly. I didn’t hit or hurt her but I carried dragged her outside and told her she couldn’t stay there anymore and of course this devolved into her screaming and throwing shit at the house. Cops showed up again and ended up arresting her for drunk and disorderly conduct. I made things right with the cops as best I could and apologized for my part in the disturbance and one of them said something I’ll never forget. “Something has to change here.”
In the morning I consulted with a divorce attorney and he drafted up papers. I visited her in county lockup up where she begged me to post her bail and I told her “No.” She claimed she didn’t remember admitting to cheating on me and tried to gaslight me. I told her we’re getting a divorce and that she’s not living with me when she gets out. She begged and pleaded but I told her this was the end and that she could try to fight me in court but she won’t win because of the scar on my arm and the fact that I could get the reports of the times the cops showed up. To my surprise she signed the papers when she was served and didn’t fight it.
I found out she was staying with her mom so I sent all of her things there. She called me whike drunk a lot over the last year and left a ton of voicemails but about six months ago they stopped. Yesterday her mother called me. She stopped by her apartment to try to get her to go to Easter dinner with her family and found her in the bathtub dead. It looked like she took a bunch of pills and washed them down with tequila.
I called out of work today. I think I’m still in shock but the reality is the woman I loved died a long time ago. I hate what happened to her and what happened to us.
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is not easy mate when u spend such long time close to someone even if it ended bad …. we often tend to look to the past in much more brighter glasses.
it is life .. life goes on .. u done right thing mate … time will make u forget this feelings .. but yeahh is normal to feel this way and is good to take those things out of ur chest here
I am so very sorry, OP. I, too, tried to save my marriage to an alcoholic. I, too, failed. I know the words are hollow, but know in your heart that you did everything you could. But the disease that is alcoholism will win almost every time. May God bless and keep you.
I am sorry for your many losses in this story. You sound like a stand up guy and you did your best. You can’t save anyone from themselves.
Keep your head up. You will grieve this loss too. Consider getting some counseling for yourself to help you through it. Best wishes.
Went through something similar, it’ll get smoother. As my brother told me: “Remember the good times and be glad you got out before she took you down with her.”
My X was an alcoholic with undiagnosed mental problems. She went out in a similar situation. You can’t help those who don’t want help. Worse those who actively avoid it.
Sorry bud. I know it must be tough. Don’t be conflicted about your feelings. You feel the way you feel and that could never be wrong. I hope you find healing my brother.
Not your fault,. Forgive her and move on.
If you reflect back, only do so to remind yourself to not live in vain.
I’m am so sorry you are going through this.
She chose alcohol over you and that hurts. You couldn’t save her. She had to do that herself. You did the right thing.
I urge you to talk to a grief counseling. And maybe Al-Anon.
Good luck.
That is a complicated situation. Addiction is awful. I’m sorry for your loss I hope you are able to move on OP.
So sorry for your loss.
Addiction hurts everyone connected to the person with the physical issue.
Youre not alone here, bud. My extremely alcoholic ex gf who i was in an on and off again relationship for over a decade did the same thing, she slashed me with a box cutter on my right forearm leaving a five inch scar, hanged herself in her room, while drunk. I still cared for her but i know the girl i loved was gone a looong time ago.
I’m so sorry. Even though things had ended with you, this was still a person who was the biggest part of your life for several years. There was still an opportunity for the two of you to carve out some kind of relationship had she gotten sober.
But now your story is written. You’re not just grieving what had been, you’re now also grieving what will never be.
Do what you have to. It’s OK to be sad.
It was her choice. No mercy for drunkards, sorry.
You can tell you loved her, after all you married her. It’s okay to grieve for your ex wife, and the life you had with her. Remember she’s at peace now.
Addiction is a terrible beast. I am so sorry you both had to go through that.
That is a sad thing to happen and be glad you got away from it. I’ve been away from my horrible ex for years and I’m at scared today of finding someone who is addicted to something.
There’s a lot here but I hope you give yourself permission to feel however you feel. Go through it not around, wishing you the best internet stranger.
I am so sorry for your loss. Addiction is such a cruel thing. Im praying for your healing and peace as well.
I’m so sorry for your loss; you don’t have to still be married or in love with her to feel loss and it’s also ok if you also feel some relief. Addiction is horrible and it’s torture for the people around the addict. At least the addict gets to be drunk or high and not fully present for all the horrors. Let yourself feel whatever you feel (good, bad, or indifferent).
r/widowers helped me a lot. I know your relationship was more than a little rocky but you will be grieving your loss- her, the good times, what could have been – even the hard times. Grief is hard and weird.
Something extremely similar I went through myself. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please seek out a therapist if you aren’t already in therapy. Good luck to you and much love from the universe.
You did what you could. More than many would have. Probably more than I would have.
It’s normal to feel bad for the death of someone you loved for a long time.
As you note, the woman you divorced was not the woman you fell in love with and married. Mourn the woman you loved, not the monster you left. Sorry to be harsh, but separate the two. She was clearly tortured and needed help that she likely didn’t know she needed. It was a mental illness that robbed you of her.
If you had a good relationship with her family before everything, and assuming they don’t blame you, be there with them. Say goodbye to the woman you loved.
Sorry for your loss. Everyone travels their own path. Sometimes those paths converge, sometimes they part. All you can do is realize she traveled the path that was hers. Remember the woman you loved. Don’t let the woman she became take that from you.