I can’t stop thinking about my coworker, and I don’t know how to feel about it

I just need to get this out of my head. Maybe it’ll help, or maybe someone out there has advice or perspective.

I’m a 34-year-old straight woman. I’ve always dated men, always been attracted to men. I’ve had women hit on me, but I was never interested. That said, I’m in a weird place now that I don’t totally understand.

About 10 years ago, I got out of a toxic relationship with a man and started over in a new city with a new job. I didn’t trust people—or myself—after that. I acted in ways I regret, hooked up with guys but couldn’t emotionally connect. Around that time, I formed a close “friendship” with a female coworker that, in hindsight, turned into a toxic emotional entanglement. It was unhealthy, and I tried to end it multiple times, but guilt and manipulation kept me stuck. I finally walked away this past January.

It’s been hard. Ten years is a long time, and her response was to deny everything and accuse me of making it all up—even when I showed her proof. It hurts that she doesn’t care, but I’m trying to move on and work on my mental health.

At my current job, where I’ve been since 2018, I’ve made real friendships—especially with one coworker who’s now our manager. In the past six months, we’ve grown close. She noticed I wasn’t myself after everything with the ex-friend ended, and she called me out in a kind way. I opened up. She listened. She checks on me regularly, encourages me at work, and genuinely seems to care. She’s shared things with me too. She’s married with a kid, a bit older than me, and honestly just an amazing person.

We joke a lot. Sometimes we make silly “love of my life” jokes. Which she started by joking I had a hard time committing because I was in love with her. Then I joked that I could always get married and pine over my coworker she has fun doing it. 😂 Sometimes we hold hands when we’re out walking to our vehicles after work/team events. Our coworkers brush it off as “just girls”. So do we. But…

Here’s the part I need off my chest: I think about her a lot. More than I probably should. She’s been a source of healing after so much emotional damage. She’s kind, brilliant, and beautiful. And for the first time in my life, I find myself attracted to a woman. Not women—her. I don’t feel confused about her gender. It doesn’t bother me. What I struggle with is the emotional intensity of my thoughts and how to manage them respectfully.

I don’t want to disrespect her, her marriage, or our friendship. Her husband laughs at our jokes. But the other stuff—the stuff in my head—I keep to myself. I don’t want to reduce her to a fantasy. She’s so much more than that. She’s been good for me. Supportive. Grounding.

I just don’t know how to stop thinking about her. Or what it means. Or how to stop feeling guilty for thinking about her at all.