I’m a man in my early 20s now and when I was 15-18 I was in a sexual relationship with a man I met online who lived a few miles from me. I pretended I was 18/19 for several months until I told him I was 16 years old once I started school again and couldn’t keep up the lie.
I thought he’d be disgusted and scared of what he’d been doing, but he only furthered our relationship until I went to college. I finally limited my contact with him then since I got a boyfriend (now ex who was manipulative) to desperately find normal intimacy and get away from this man.
I’m a total wreck and haven’t been able to find a semblance of normal relationships or intimacy. I feel like I utterly lost my teen years to this man and I can’t get that back. I didn’t know any better, I just wanted love and attention.
I had a therapist who knew at the time. Another therapist who knew it happened but never touched upon it again. Like was it my fault and not a big deal that this happened to me? How do I move past this? I feel disgusted and so sad I let this happen to me and I can never get that time of my life and learning and developing as a kid back ):
I think I just need to know if this was normal
or not or really that big a big deal bc I feel so so so fucked up from it and I don’t want to get worse
Comments
wtf! i’m so sorry that happened to you! Both of those therapists should be fired! I can’t believe but also can believe they would allow something like this happen to their knowledge.
But hey, it’s not your fault at ALL! You were a kid, a risky one but a kid nonetheless. When he found out you were 15 he should’ve stepped TF BACK! hell even 18-19 is scary af. He was a predator and that’s on HIM, not you. I would definitely try to find a therapist who can actually help you work through this, and help you process it and heal.
And I’ll be honest to you, we’re probably around the same age, so many of us have been groomed by older men from online, myself included. It’s not your fault, it’s his. He took advantage when he knew better, he’s lucky you didn’t report him, i think you still can depending on your state.
You’re not disgusting, you were a victim who was taken advantage of when you were at your most vulnerable. It’s him who should be ASHAMED of himself. You deserved better and you still do, don’t let his shame trap you.
First, you should absolutely NOT feel fucked up, or dirty, or shame for what happened. The reality is it probably happens a lot more than we know. My best friend from college shared with me that she would regularly seduce older men when she was a teenager. She’s now a very successful business owner.
When I was a teenager I was really attracted to older men… I actually seduced my friend’s uncle who I caught checking me out one day. I had sex with him several times… Eventually I realized that what I was truly seeking was the love, security, and affection of my father who I absolutely despised. He was verbally and physically abusive within our family and a hardcore drug addict. Had I had a stable, positive, strong, and supportive male role model, I wouldn’t have needed to seek the affection of older men to fulfill what I was missing for the most important years of my development.
I think the deeper question you should be exploring is what weren’t you getting from your parents that drove you into the arms of a father figure?
Finally, I’d say that nothing in life happens to you, they happen FOR you. This is an opportunity to grow by learning more about who you are, how you think, and what motivates you. You can use this experience in positive way to propel you into a happy, fulfilling life. It’s all in how you choose to deal with these feelings.
I’m sorry this happened to you and it is fucked up that no one tried to intervene. I think maybe sometimes this gets normalized especially in gay relationships, for whatever reason.
But take heart: you are only 20, you still have many years to learn about being in deep intimate relationships. Many many people your age struggle with that for all sorts of reasons, and even more these days because of COVID and social media messing with people’s social/intimate development.
Find a different therapist (if you still want therapy, which not everyone does), focus on yourself, journal about your experience, and build a growth mindset: what do you want your future to look like?
You can have the life and relationships you want, but you might have to cultivate a vision of what that looks like, and you can do it.
You were groomed by a predator. A 50 year old who has no problem pursuing a teenager is a predator. You were a kid. He had so much more life experience than you did and he took advantage of that. Nothing about what happened was your fault!
I’m so sorry the therapists you saw failed you. A bad therapist can be worse than no therapist at all in my opinion. I do think therapy might help you but I’d suggest researching for ones who specialize in SA and the LGBTQ community. And if you meet with them and aren’t comfortable with them or they say something dismissive find someone else.
You’re not alone. My situation wasn’t the same but it still took me years to even label what happened to me as SA. Unfortunately society likes to victim blame and it makes survivors doubt themselves. You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. But I do think you need someone you can trust who has experience with these things to talk to.
I mean I was still innocent at those ages. I’m surprised you went along with this as long as you did. At that age i certainly knew that online relationships just aren’t real. So I was chilling.