I hate being a woman

I already know I’m gonna get negative comments, but I need to let this out. I hate being a woman. As a kid, it didn’t bother me until I started getting older. I had undiagnosed ADHD and would be very loud and ‘annoying’ and it was primarily the other girls who would judge me for it and make me feel like a freak. It made me hate that side of myself. As I got older, and I started developing, older men would look or say weird things to me and it made me hate my body. The first catcall I got was at 12 and the first explicit one was at 14. I would hide my body and not feel comfortable showing skin since then until a few months ago. At 15 I cut my hair like a boy because I wanted to feel less feminine and it made me happy, but this was during quarantine and as soon as school started again I grew it out because I was afraid of judgement. I constantly forced myself to be quiet and step back because of all the people who’d berate me or exclude me for being my loud self and it made me miserable. Whenever I would be myself, people would treat me like a weirdo. Needless to say, I got very little male attention which was whatever. But recently, I started taking care of my appearance more because I want to feel good about myself. But since then, I’ve started getting male attention and I hate it so badly. I was literally getting out of church yesterday with my mom and I was in a dress and a man honked and catcalled me. And the other day I was smoking with a friend, but i went too hard and it made me realize how fucking vulnerable I am. If he wanted to rape me he really could’ve and i wouldn’t have been able to do anything. The thought of how vulnerable I am scares me. I’ve known several women who’ve been raped. I know anyone can be raped, but it’s disproportionally women who are victims. The thought of living the rest of my life as a woman scares me. I don’t wanna be a ‘wife’ or a ‘mother’ because I know I’ll be reduced to that. Especially since my ADHD and mental illnesses guarantee I’d be a horrible mother and I wouldn’t wanna pass those genes down anyway. Doesn’t help that my culture is pretty damn sexist. I hate seeing how my female relatives live. My mom lives such a sad life. I wouldn’t want to be like her ever. In society, i feel like women are treated as just things rather than people. Only valued for what they can provide others.