When I was with him I was on SSRI’s, going to therapy weekly and having breakdowns every other day. I’d gained so much weight I didn’t even recognize myself. I was sad all the time. When I’d talk to him about my mental health and how I was struggling he would brush it off and made me feel like a burden trying to talk to him. He’d call me a dumb/whore/bitch etc, and tell me to go fuck myself when I’d tell him I was tired/didn’t want to talk. He made me feel worthless like I wasn’t good enough for him. Sometimes he would ignore me for days on end and I wouldn’t know what I did wrong. He made me share my location with him and having any friends outside of him would cause huge fights. I was feeling isolated and he didn’t care. It felt like walking on eggshells all the time.
I stayed regardless of all this until we went on a trip together and he tried ditching me in an unknown part of a foreign city at nightfall. I say tried, but he did. He took my bag with him that had all my personal effects except my phone and wallet. Told me to find my own way home when I had low phone battery life. Ended up making it back to my car before him and it opened my eyes to how shitty he was to put me in that situation. There was no argument before this, we were looking for directions and he just left me, told me to figure it out.
It’s sad this was the eye opening thing for me. After so many red flags, but I realized this was something I couldn’t overlook. He wasn’t remorseful, he said sorry but it didn’t feel like he knew why he was saying it.
I waited until the trip was over to break up, we were doing long distance which gave me peace of mind that it would be over and done with and I wouldn’t have to see him again. Unfortunately, that was not the case. He actually flew to my house the very next day unannounced and attempted to break in to “talk” and return some of my things. I was home at the time and it was extremely traumatic for me. I thought he was going to kill me, because what other reason would you have to do something like that? He eventually left but he started stalking me and sending gifts to my house with increasingly aggressive notes attached to them. The harassment stopped only when I threatened to get legal involved, and reached out to his job to let them know what was going on.
I’ve been on a long road of recovery, my therapist was so supportive in the weeks after all this happened and all my friends that I’d isolated from came in full support for me when I needed them. My therapist said I have PTSD from it all, which I believe. I didn’t want to be forced ro move, so I stayed. It took me until now, 1 year later to feel safe in my own house again. I slept with a kitchen knife next to me and would get panic attacks from the mail man coming by.
I have more gray hairs than I care to admit, and I jump much easier than I used to but the mental anguish I battled for years is over. It was almost an immediate improvement to my life, I’ve successfully gotten off my SSRI’s and haven’t needed to see my therapist in almost a year. I’m still losing the weight I’d gained and I’m pursuing my passions again. I’ve tried going a few dates but tbh I don’t think I’m ready yet still. But it was refreshing to meet guys so different than my ex, and realizing not every guy is like that.