I pretend I’m a healed, mentally stable and perfectly OK 33 year old but I’m not.
I spent 12 years of school being mentally abused by every child I was surrounded by, and physically abused by some of them. I had an abusive home life.
When I tell people about my dad, they are shocked, I get sympathy, I get understanding. But no one places the same gravitas on the experience of being bullied ruthlessly by your peers. I am healed when it comes to my abusive dad. I even have a relationship with him, albeit strained and at arms length. [He has psychosis but does not engage with medical interventions, if you are wondering about the complexities there].
But I will never heal from what my peers did. The way I was the butt of every joke, the way they reached out to me only to trick me and make a fool of me, the way they laughed at every aspect of my being, the way they hit and kicked me so often that I would turn up on time for my scheduled punch in the face so I could avoid a harsher punishment. The way I asked for help from adults when my hair was set on fire but the bullies had no repercussions. The way they stole and destroyed anything nice or new I ever owned, which meant I was shouted at at home. The way I was covered in bruises and exhausted, unable to study and this ruined my future career options. The way I had to partner with the teacher, because three of them would join together rather than make a double with me, and the teacher let them. The way the teachers knew what was happening and did absolutely nothing. The way they threw my period products around and ripped them open, because I was one of the first to start, and I couldn’t afford to replace them. The way they laughed when my best friend committed suicide and they said I was so terrible to be around that she didn’t even want to live. The way when they caught us kissing they surrounded us and threw rocks at us until we did it again, so they could record it. The way they made me eat rotten banana. The way they spat in my hair. And so, so much more.
I seem happy, but i will never stop doubting my friendships, I will never stop wondering if people are secretly setting me up, laughing behind my back. I will never stop wondering if I’m being used. I will never stop buying people food when we hang out because I’m not enough.
Why does the abuse we suffer as victims of bullying get treated so lightly? I am a victim of domestic violence, and it doesn’t even come close to my experience of bullying. Kids have killed each other, kids have committed suicide. Why does no one talk about how this hurts?
I’m 33. I’m not 14 any more. I have had therapy. Why can’t I shake this?
Comments
Prepare to get victim blamed in these comments soon enough.
Sorry about all that, life is sometimes just fucking terrible and some people just live through hell.
Also therapy doesn’t fix shit, it helps you to cope, stop suggesting it like it’s some miracle cure to trauma.
I’m 60M, I still remember being bullied without mercy. I think about it every day.
I’m 38, recently went back to school. Community college, and I find myself bullied everyday because I’m originally from a different country. People think it’s funny when that one person keeps making dumb jokes and everyone thinks it’s ok. I’ll be done in couple days and I can’t wait to not come back here again.
It sounds like you need more therapy if i’m honest because all of what you described is A LOT for any one person to deal with.
You are not alone in this though.
Some of us are still in it (I go once a month as more of a “maintenance plan” after 3 years of regular therapy) and it has really changed the way I handle life tremendously.
Learn martial arts. Physical therapy. Get the anger out. Heal
Sadly it doesn’t always go away. Trauma lasts a lifetime. I’m 43 and have the same problem. My husband (40) is the same. The best we can do is just function and live the best life you can. Therapy helps us cope, it doesn’t heal the trauma. Hang in there.
I feel you OP.
I’m about to turn 29 and I can still hear the words said to me one day around 12 by someone I thought was a friend.
“You know the whole class and I had a talk. We have decided you are the ugliest girl in this class, and no one would miss you. You should just go home and kill yourself”
I will never ever forget that. A lot worse happened before and after that. But I will never forgot those words.
I became friends with my bully, so I don’t know how big and heavy the bullying was on me. I think at the time it was mainly because I just came to America and didn’t know much English, and so I was picked on because they thought I was weird. Although eventually, when I did learn English and interacted with them, I ended up becoming their friend. Teachers are an important figure to blame, and everything is truly their fault. It’s a normal behavior for human kids to single out a less confident child to bully and abuse, this is especially prevalent when the teacher sees and makes no effort to fix this behavior. Most bullies end up changing themselves once they mature, so maybe you can use this information to be of help. Physical activity, like going to the gym, can improve your sense of self and confidence. I don’t know how much, but it will 100% help in some way, and don’t forget that you are not alone in this. Thousands or millions of people have been bullied and can comfort and relate to your situation, so you are not alone.
I went through some other stuff too but what scarred me the most were my elementary school bullies, friends that were just using and even teachers that didn’t do anything, didn’t care and made stuff even worse.
I was such an extraverted child but now I’m an anxious introvert who’s just messing up their own life… Because those damn kids made me lose trust in anyone, so now I take precautions I shouldn’t have to take and don’t do what I have to.
Yeah, no one talks about how bullying can ruin you. I’m sorry it happened to you…
Therapy time
That’s horrible. So sorry for your experience. Bullying is fucked. But I’d much rather get bullied than to be the bully. At least you’re not a horrible person, like them. I’m sorry therapy isn’t really working for you. I just started and kind of have the same experience of just me going in and talking about my week and not getting much feedback.
I wanna say the older you get, the less you start to care. I’m also 33 and the more years that pass the more I start to just not give a fuck about my highschool and the bullies. That shit was like 20 years ago and all the people from my hs can suck my ass lol. But i know it’s different for everyone, and your experiences sound more extreme.
For advice, I’d say to find another therapist and maybe as someone above stated, look into self defense classes. Maybe deeply you are so unable to trust people with all you’ve been through you fear you’re going to experience this again later in life.
Hope you are able to trust people again. I know they’ve done you dirty as fuck, but I promise you there are some good people in this world!
Dear person,
I am sorry you went through this. It isn’t cool. Kids can be terrible and have an impact deep into life. I was abused by my father and I had no confidence as a young kid or young adult. I always felt like I was about to get beat up or attacked because of the way I was treated by my father. I had friends in school but I also felt more comfortable around adults. They treated me better. I have mostly forgot the bullies that were in school. I have never desired to attend a reunion. Those times sucked and I don’t care to see those people. I moved away from my hometown and I still don’t have any friends. Sometimes I go home and I’ll run into someone that I went to school with and I get the feelings all over again.
I have been in therapy and it has helped a lot. For the most part, I know the people that bullied me have grown up and likely wouldn’t do it today. I know most of them were who they were because of their parents wealth or privilege and today they have to live in the real world and I am successful and a leader because I overcame my issues. I still won’t put myself in a scenario where I feel uncomfortable so at least I know I can control that in my life. Also, social media is something I stay away from because what I’ve seen is that most of these people will bring up things they think are funny to them but are tragic to me. Screw them. Live your best life and forget them. You’re in the real world now and there are people like me that have your back.
Have you ever spoke to any of them after?, there was a lad who made my life hell at school and I said as an adult if I ever see him I’m going to ruin him…i met the guy years years later he apologised and meant it and I just let it go, had a drink with him that night and we still have a quick chat when we pass each other by… No bullies deserves your forgiveness but some bullies grow up ashamed of how they was
Also, the way I cope with it was a way that my therapist taught me. It sounds counterintuitive but it works. Imagine walking down the street and seeing a storefront and you open the door and there is a sink in the room. All of the people that bullied you are in the room. You address them with the anger that you have and you take each one of them and throw them in the sink and turn on the tap and watch them go away. You do it for each person. Once you’ve rinsed all of them down. Tell yourself how you feel outloud in this room and then when you are ready, walk outside, close the door. Lock the door and walk away. Never walk by the store again in you mind. Make those memories go away.
It is silly but it does help me.
Im 33 and I have to actively tell myself that people don’t just view me as a “nice kid” for years I struggle with being considered a nice, good guy. But never the one who was chosen by the girl, for the promotion, etc. it was really how I thought about myself internally seeping out and affecting how other people viewed me. I reinforce mentally that I am a good and nice person but I’m also effective, reliable, and valuable.
TL;DR reframe how you think about yourself. When you hear the negative voice in your head that we all have, tell that bitch to shut up and stop bringing you down. Then actively replace those thoughts with good ones. For a while you’ll feel stupid and like you’re just lying to yourself but once it becomes a habit your life will change maybe not even drastically but it’s a lot easier when you’re not your own worst enemy
I’m a 47 yr old male and have a very similar story to yours.
Same. There are movements to stop bullying now that weren’t there years ago. Sometimes I feel better about it but, often, the trauma is still there & hard to shake.
More therapy and you were a victim than, but you don’t have to be anymore. Now you go out make your best life and when class reunion invites come give them the international sign to screw off.
I know how you feel, I was/am in a very similar situation. My family has a history of cluster B personality disorders; my dad was diagnosed with BPD about a decade before he passed away and we believe his father had it too judging from the stories about him and his explosive temper. My dad tried to learn from his dad to be a better father to me, but the effects of his BPD definitely played a factor in my antisocial personality disorder having a profound impact on my character development early on.
Like you, I was tormented for years by kids at school. Long story short I went to a private Catholic school with a bunch of rich kids and was constantly bullied because my family struggled to pay for the tuition so I never had the newest shoes, coolest jacket, etc…on top of being socially awkward partially because of my ASPD and partially because I grew up in a neighborhood full of meth cooks that had dangerous guard dogs and wasn’t allowed to leave my own yard so I didn’t have a chance to meet other kids and socialize.
At 14 two girls at school told the principal that I threatened to “blow up the school and shoot everyone in it”; this was coming right off the heels of Jonesboro and then Columbine, so it was taken as an extreme threat. Despite there being no evidence I was planning this, or even said it, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 10 days to have a “full evaluation”. The short and sweet is, I came out of there even more fucked up than when I went in.
Fast forward to a decade later and I’m out of the military, trying to reintegrate into civilian life and can’t make heads or tails of my anger. The VA originally misdiagnosed me with PTSD, gave me some anti anxiety meds and told me to kick rocks. The meds didn’t help and something didn’t feel right so I went back and requested to talk to a different psychiatrist. This time I got referred to a panel of psychologists who ultimately diagnosed me with ASPD (which at this point I had suspicions of) along with antagonistic narcissistic personality disorder with a bit of malignant narcissism overlapping with my antisocial traits. From the way it was told to me, they believe I was born with ASPD and it was exacerbated by my father’s explosive and violent temperament, and my NPD was actually learned behavior developed as a defense mechanism from all of the bullying with my stint in the psych hospital really driving the nail in the coffin.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to make this all about me…bad habit of mine. Just know you’re not alone man. I still think about those fucking asshole kids I went to school with. And while I can keep my darker thoughts in check for the most part, I have legitimately had dreams before where I meet my younger self; parted hair, thick coke bottle style glasses, and ugly sweaters my mom liked to dress me in…having conversations with him about the kind of person he’d grow up to be. It’s honestly cathartic, my brain is dumping all of the accomplishments and things I’ve done throughout my life and affirming that I made it through the shit. Still hurts knowing you have to go through that, but just think about how far you’ve come and all the things you still get to do while you’re on the planet. If anyone tries to tear you down, fuck ’em. Even if they’re the ghosts that linger in your head.
T h e r a p y , will not only help you be more at peace and to be less hurt, but you will enjoy your quality of LIFE much more. Good luck.
Look for cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
Been there bro, i’m 44.
I’ve been able to shake it after learning how to live by myself, mastering loneliness.
I’ve thrown myself on study, work and hobbies.
And i resolved myself to never waste time on people that don’t deserve. I simply walk away when there’s disrespect, rudeness o plain madness/violence. i don’t ever let anyone else putting me down anymore.
Learn to love yourself, brother, you are not alone.
Some things never quite heal. Therapy helps to an extent.
You will be healing through your entire life, bits at a time. I’ve never truly healed (similar story/age).
I try, but I know these thoughts will always be there – just louder or softer sometimes. But I don’t think they’ll ever be gone. Just better in good times. In rough times, less so. All those thoughts come back up.
The only conclusion I reached is that they are a part of me, but I control how I relate to that. Not easy when feeling down, but the only way to get myself back up.
ETA: I totally understand what you mean. Your words touched me, I can relate. Many others too. This is part of the healing. My best to you❤️
Q
Just know that there are people sympathetic to your experience. Please go back to therapy for the bullying. Remember that there isn’t anything you did to deserve that. It sounds so brutal and mentally taxing. I was bullied in HS by my own friends and it still weighs on me sometimes. It pales in comparison to what you experienced and it makes sense that you have unresolved trauma. This is real trauma too, but some internet bullshit trauma. Work in getting the help you need to decompress all of the pain. You ultimately wed to get to a survivor mentality.
i’m 22 and i feel this 100%.
Yeah, when I tried to get help the school administration asked my mom what I did to the kids to deserve it.
I’m 47, born with a mild facial deformity. I’m still traumatized with life long body image issues have plagued me.
In your head your only in your head so it’s ok. Think about something you forgot about when your thinking about what you forgot about.
I’m so sorry. Have you considered doing EMDR therapy? It helps with trauma.
I went through brain-spotting therapy for complex PTSD from being systematically bullied at my job and early childhood trauma and it’s changed my life. Years of traditional therapy only helped so much, but brain spotting is when I truly started to heal. I was about to give up on my life when I was told about it by a friend and her therapist did free sessions with me on zoom. It’s a form of hypnosis similar to EMDR, but way more effective. There are many therapists are certified in it. I think it would help you 🙂