Throwaway because my OG Reddit account has far too much identifying information. My husband’s hygiene has been an ongoing issue for years and is only getting worse. Most recently, he went over 2 weeks without a shower. I broached the subject in the middle of last week and he still didn’t shower until Sunday. Anytime I have noticed a lapse in time between showers I have talked to him politely and gently about taking better care of himself and he always swears he will do better at it. I have asked if he is depressed and he always adamantly denies it. He says he just doesn’t like showering and never has. When we first started dating through about the 3rd year in our relationship he had normal showering habits for the most part. I am feeling like once he saw he “had me” and we were engaged, that he didn’t have to put effort in anymore. I am at a loss and am grasping at straws.
On top of the hygiene issues, he is horrible at budgeting/financial responsibility. I have tried helping with that, too, as I am mentally drained from playing damage control when shit hits the fan. He dismissed my proposed budget calendar and bill list (they were blank for him to fill in to remind himself when bills are coming out, etc) to try to avoid not having grocery money or other hiccups.
He has never been the best communicator because he grew up with parents who swept things under the rug and expected everyone to move on, so for the longest time I was empathetic and patient (we have been together almost 8 years). Due to lack of communication and allowing things to bottle up, he has left me 3 times, the last time with zero notice and via text message when he was supposed to be coming home from work. I called him and begged him to come home for 2 hours, he refused and said his mind was made up. I am feeling defeated and taken advantage of.
When we met, he was staying at bars till last call, working barely full time at a retail job (nothing wrong with that!) and I fell in love with his kindness. I feel like I helped him see his potential, help build him up, he stopped going to the bar and blowing his checks on alcohol and got into a good line of work where he has built a career for himself. I feel like I helped build him up just for him to almost be overly confident and feel as if he is superior to me.
We started marriage counseling to try to work on communication issues and in counseling he said he loves me because “I know she will always be there” and “I trust her to make the right decisions” and I feel like the exact things he says he loves about me he has weaponized against me. There’s obviously a lot that goes into all of this and there are things I love about him and reasons I fell in love with him, reasons I thought (think) he was (is) my person and married him but this is “off my chest” so I just wanted to scream and cry into the void and get it off of my mind.
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If he has had these issues for years why did you marry him?
I want to preference this to say that I didn’t read the whole text, but I am STAUNCHLY against people who don’t have good hygiene and anyone I have to mother to tell them they need to take better care of themselves, tells me it’s time to leave. 🧳
I‘ve been with a man like that although we were only together for about 1 1/2 years. I couldn‘t really deal with his financial irresponsibility, so after about a year I directly confronted him telling him I can‘t imagine having kids with him or sharing any responsibilities really because I already know I‘ll be the one handling everything. Shit started to go downhill FAST after that. I was good as long as I was convenient and helped him with stuff, but as soon as I stood my ground, he couldn‘t handle it anymore. So, if you really wanna see his true colors, stand your ground and see how he reacts. You don‘t have to condone his bad habits. If it‘s not worth it for him to (at least try to) change, it‘ll be much easier for you to realize it‘s not worth it for you to deal with it either. At least that‘s how it was for me and I left after a few months of halfassed ‚efforts‘ and excuses.
Well I’d make him turn out to be wrong about the “I know she will always be there” part. OP you don’t have to stay with someone who isn’t interested in living life with you. Him just being in the house doesn’t count as ‘living life with you’ – he might as well be a worn out couch for all the interest he has in this marriage.
LEAVE!! Go have a life with even just yourself that is filled with some wonder and happiness!
Girl. 2 weeks without a shower? How do you get into bed at night with someone who probably smells like rotten garbage? And is getting their stink all over your sheets and pillows 🤢
Just leave. And then talk to someone professionally about why you feel like you don’t deserve better than someone who doesn’t bathe.
These threads never cease to amaze me.
He showed who he was – someone who doesn’t have the same goals as you and struggles to take care of himself. He showed you and you ignored it. Also the reasons he loves you that are listed, those are things you DO for him. It’s about you doing things for him. If you want to drag a man child through life keep going.
he doesnt take you seriously based soley on his actions. I would seriously consider leaving
I mean … you have to draw the line somewhere. You don’t need to be nice and polite and gentle he’s not a child. I’m not saying be abusive, but you’re allowed to be stern and have boundaries. This is ultimatum behavior.
“I will not continue this partnership until you shower more consistently. I can’t take it anymore.”
The way you describe him is kind of like … he was a project. Do you feel like you don’t have any worth if you’re not helping “fix” someone?
Also he doesn’t sound that passionate about you. He could have been describing his own mother in therapy. I can’t imagine there’s much physical intimacy if he reeks all the time either.
Why did you marry him knowing all these issues?
Sounds like the kind of person that would deny being depressed when they are.
So I’m guessing your sex life is over? And your husband doesn’t care if he’s physically repulsive to you and doesn’t care if you respect him anymore because you’re too stuck to leave? And you’re still worried about being polite and his feelings?
You keep saying you’re polite when telling him something. That time has passed. Tell him he stinks and repulses you and others when he doesn’t shower. Tell him it isn’t normal and he needs to have his mental health evaluated.
You’re not his wife, you’re his replacement mother.
Why are you subjecting yourself to this?
So you’re married to a man-child?
Why are you putting yourself through this? That last bit that came up in therapy… It’s 100% true. He’s saying he loves you because you’ll take care of everything and he doesn’t have to worry about you getting fed up and realizing your worth and leaving him to deal with his life himself. Get a divorce and love yourself. What is he bringing to this relationship?
OP, your husband straight up told you that he keeps you because, like a dog, you are reliable. Not because you are intelligent, or funny, or even attractive. He loves you because you take care of him, but also seems to resent it at the same time. I don’t know, unless he is making a lot of progress with marriage counseling, it sounds like you would be better off single.
Leave or accept thats the way things are, your husband takes you for granted and assumes you’ll always be there for him so why should he put in any effort when he doesn’t need to
I’m gonna tell you what I wish someone had told me — partners should be PARTNERS, not projects.
You’re in love with his potential.
If you don’t leave you’re an idiot.
Sounds like my ex, so glad we never actually got married. He worked a labor intensive job and went weeks without showering. I tried asking him to shower more often, put his clothes in the washing machine so I could run the load when he got home, brush his teeth, help with dishes, take the garbage downstairs on his way to work, go to couples counseling or even one in one counseling for himself, it all fell on deaf ears or he’d get angry and defensive with me. He refused to grow and change, and it seems that’s where your husband is at too. He thinks that no matter what he does you’ll always be there, prove him wrong. Go stay with family or friends and leave him to take care of himself for a few weeks, tell him exactly why you’re doing it, because you feel he’s taking you for granted and using your good nature and loyalty against you, and he refuses to take care of himself or be responsible.
I’d say you need to have an individual therapy to understand, why you are so afraid that he will leave you, so you are staying with a stinky nasty AH? He has no money, shows you no respect, but has an audacity of thousand stars. And yet, you are the one who is afraid to be left.
Ewww so much eww. He doesn’t bathe, can’t control his emotions, sucks at finances and seems like he hates you.
Lose the dead stench and get some therapy
>When we met, he was staying at bars till last call, working barely full time at a retail job
Dude’s always been a loser, just leave and stop thinking of potential/sunk cost fallacy..
So, you’re having sex with a man with a two-week unwashed dick? Good God, woman!
Please love yourself more than this.
>When we met, he was staying at bars till last call, working barely full time at a retail job (nothing wrong with that!) and I fell in love with his kindness. I feel like I helped him see his potential, help build him up, he stopped going to the bar and blowing his checks on alcohol and got into a good line of work where he has built a career for himself. I feel like I helped build him up just for him to almost be overly confident and feel as if he is superior to me.
You’ve been mothering him and treating him like a project since yall met. He is a man child and has always been. You got into this relationship because you wanted a project to fix. It’s giving that your self-esteem was low and you wanted to feel better by fixing someone else. Was his kindness him buying you a drink? Like I’m not shocked about your current relationship because that’s what you picked to marry.
Men like him don’t understand through communication. They understand through consequence.
You are his “ol reliable” he can turn to so he doesn’t have to make any actual changes.
The first thing you need to do is move your money to your own account. One he has no access to. You do not pay any of his personal bills (credit cards or loans he’s taken out in his name, etc) and for now, you tell him how much his half is and he just gives you the money to pay. While you’re doing it, find ways to save money. I frequently transfer credit card balances to personal loans so the interest/payments are better.
You do not have sex or let him touch you without him showering. Monitor him, and tell him how to wash. He should feel like a child. It’s crazy showering with soap is a “punishment,” but whatever. If you’ve communicated so much already without results, he shouldn’t be rewarded for incompetence.
It doesn’t sound like you’re ready for divorce, but keep it in the back of your mind. One day, you’re likely going to “check out” of the marriage. By then, you should have your affairs in order.
Raise your standards! He doesn’t show and is terrible with money. He expects you to be his mommy, not a partner.
You are at the end of your rope, the choices are stay married to guy who puts in no effort, or choose yourself and divorce.
“The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here.”
The abysmal hygiene is a symptom of the actual problem: he doesn’t respect you and you don’t respect yourself.
He has said, out loud, to your face while in a marriage counseling session that he loves you/is with you because you’ll put up with his abhorrent behavior, do everything for him at the expense of yourself, and he doesn’t even have to change or improve because you won’t leave him anyway. He freely admits that he’s taking advantage of your support and devotion without giving you anything in return.
None of this is new, he was like this when you met him, but now he knows you’ll stay, unconditionally. Why would he work on himself when he benefits regardless? He won’t, because he doesn’t care.
If this is real, I truly wish you the best. I know it’s hard to leave even the most toxic of relationships, but don’t give in to sunk cost fallacy. Love is often not enough to sustain a relationship. Know your worth and accept no less from the person you chose to be your partner in life.
Good luck ❤️
High-masking Autistic. He’s in burnout and that’s why all the little things you mentioned are now visible.
He’s just a lazy stinker.
This is sunk-cost fallacy in full swing.
He’s not functioning as a husband. Single life isn’t this much work. And it’s pretty enjoyable.
Is being single worse than sleeping next to a disease reservoir who is so bad at budgeting that you’re left without grocery money?
At some point you gotta realize you’re entire relationship is an example of the sunk cost fallacy.
If he can’t be hygienic now he never will be, leave and move on let him be nasty by himself.
INFO What is his job? What place will let you work there and stink?
If someone tries to leave you, LET THEM.
Why are you prostrating yourself for a man child who refuses to pay bills, refuses to wash his crack and has left you several times?
The marriage counseling is a nice idea but what you really need is individual therapy for yourself to find your self worth because you are allowing yourself to be treated horribly and I very, very much doubt you deserve it.
You can do bad all by yourself.
Best to be single and have peace (and a home that smells decently and bills paid on time) than juggle disaster after disaster for a Homer Simpson type. Homer always wins sweet, long suffering Marge back but every single iteration where they didn’t stay together, she was happier. (Sorry, I’ve been on a big Simpson’s binge lately).
Stop being a Marge. You are worth more than that.
Ok, you described my husband to a T here. OP do you have children? Are you religious? If you’re not either of these, my advice is leave. I’ve been married to a man like this for almost 20 years and have children with him and am very religious so I can’t leave as “doesn’t bathe” isn’t a good enough reason to divorce, but this is what our marriage looks like, we do not have sex, we have separate bedrooms, I complain about his hygiene and he gets better for two weeks then stops. Rinse and repeat. Like you he didn’t show any of this before marriage. If I could have a redo, I would have chosen differently.
The sad thing is that he doesn’t really care about you, just what you do for him. My friend went through a marriage like that; 10 years of servitude because he arranged and manipulated things so that she couldn’t leave him. It wasn’t until there was physical abuse that she could finally get some help and get out. Once she was away from him and safe, his own life started to spiral because he depended on her for everything. Sure, it was fun being away from the ol’ ball and chain but his chosen lifestyle was slowly killing him. He neglected his health and eventually it cost him his life. It was a great relief for her that he would never be able to hurt her again.
Start thinking about a better life for yourself and take the steps you need to leave. You’d be quite the catch for a lot of men and I’m sure a lot of them would treat you far better than this lowlife.
I’d make it through school and then leave. Save everything you possibly can while in school. Do not give up your hard won savings. I think you know you need to go, you just don’t see a way out.
He knows you will stay no matter what he does or doesn’t do. My man and I have gone through hell and back, but one of us will leave if we don’t treat the other well. If we don’t pull our weight, it’s over. It’s one thing if I need to give sixty while he gives forty when something is going on where we need to support the other. If I just decided one day no, I’m done, I’m going to marinate in my own filth and be an asshile. I wouldn’t have my partner anymore.
He knows you will stay no matter what he does or doesn’t do. My man and I have gone through hell and back, but one of us will leave if we don’t treat the other well. If we don’t pull our weight, it’s over. It’s one thing if I need to give sixty while he gives forty when something is going on where we need to support the other. If I just decided one day no, I’m done, I’m going to marinate in my own filth and be an asshile. I wouldn’t have my partner anymore.
What exactly are you getting out of this? Besides misery. Please choose yourself and leave.
Oh honey, you deserve so much better.
Putting aside the hygiene piece, he’s left you THREE times. He loves you because you’re there and keep his life going (aka “make the right choices.”). Neither of those things are about the wonderful and unique person that you are. You deserve to be loved for your brain and your heart and your passions and your quirks.
This guy doesn’t deserve you, and I think he knows it deep down. I hope that, deep down, you do too.
Genuine question – do you have a sex life? Or any intimacy at all? Not just sex, but like cuddling on the couch? Holding hands? Hugging him? why do you continue to be married to a man that physically repulses you? And you can’t tell me that he doesn’t because someone that hasn’t bathed in two weeks smells like booty hole. Guessing because he doesn’t shower that you don’t hang out with friends or family or even leave the house. That isn’t a marriage. This is a hostage situation but one you’re keeping yourself in.
Are you so desperate to be wanted that you’re willing to have no dignity?
theres something called the sunk cost fallacy where its harder to leave the more time, energy, and resources youve poured in. is this what you want for yourself? read your post and imagine someone you love wrote it instead. what would you advise them to do? treat yourself like someone you love.
This sounds like someone with mental health issues. My guess is mild Autism with some ADHD, self medicating with drinking.