For Context: We are all Indians (except my bf)
I ended up leaving my ex four years ago. We dated in college (different departments), and I come from a significantly upper-middle-class background, which apparently was too much ‘higher’ for him. His words, not mine. I didn’t care, and when we started dating, even when we were 20, I told him I didn’t care what his background was, if he and his family were willing, I’d make mine accept him too.
But just in the last few months of graduation, he became so hateful. He would say such offensive things if I bought a new dress, he had a problem with my dad so much, because my dad and mum wanted me to go up to a PHD, and called it an ‘elitist waste of time’. He refused to even come to my celebration party, our common friends threw when I got in to a prestigious master’s program abroad, because “it wasn’t like you got a scholarship, your father is paying for it.”
I loved this man like crazy, and I still believe he loved me too, and I still don’t understand why he became so hateful, that he ruined the last months of undergrad for me. I felt guilty for ordering pizza, he scolded me for not knowing HIS FAMILY’S puja rituals well, and if I defended myself he would apologize and say he gets insecure because I will find someone much better than him. This kept on, till my sister WHO WAS ONLY 15 YEARS OLD sat me down and told me that I am losing myself by being with him.
I drew some boundaries after that which he didn’t take well, and he told me he was breaking up with me anyway to ‘save my life’ because someone like him wouldn’t know how to maintain a ‘spoilt child’ like me. He also said he knew I would leave him the moment I decided to go outside the country, because I needed to ‘rub it in his face’ that he couldn’t have a life I had, and make him more miserable. I was inconsolable for months after that barely eating, and lost a lot of weight (that did me favours).
I just soft-launched my bf a few days ago in my Insta story. I didn’t date anyone these four years and focused on my studies and travelled a little, plus my mom had a health scare and parents relocated to relatives and much closer to me, which took a lot of time. My boyfriend is someone I have known over years (his brother is a close friend from my master’s) and I am honestly happy where my life is right now. I didn’t take support from my dad after my master’s and though I make less money, it’s enough to keep me happy.
My ex called me from a college friend’s phone yesterday. He was crying and telling me he knew he messed up and wanted me to know he still loved me. I didn’t want to prolong the conversation and hearing his voice almost gave me a panic attack, and I told him am taken and cut the call. He sent me texts after texts from the mutual friends account on how he was immature, and seeing me with another man showed him that he was wrong, and said things like he was even ‘willing to adjust to my family’.
I blocked that friend. Today I called that friend again and told him I couldn’t trust him anymore. He said sorry and further scolded me a little that I could have taken a little bit of mercy on my ex, because he was heartbroken.
I don’t know man, I didn’t realize how much his words had affected me before. My hands were shaking and I felt like I was bracing for a verbal attack from him. Both my ex and that friend is blocked, but I still feel so betrayed. My sister called him a bunch of names and I think I have calmed down a little, but I needed to vent.
I always thought if I talked or thought about him, it would mean I haven’t moved on, but after moving on, I now understand that he has only mentally scarred me, and can’t help having conflicted thoughts about it.
Comments
Oh sweetheart, this man is a narcissist. He discarded you the minute he could. Minimised your hard work and made your final months in your undergrad about him. He’s now seeing you’ve moved on and wants back in? He was already emotionally abusing you four years ago. Do you think he’s been single for these four years? No way. But I bet he would never admit that to you. Everything that you have described is directly from the narc play book. He will use anyone and everyone to mess with your head. Block him and anyone who takes up his side. This man sees you as his to play with, he’s only upset that you’ve found some else. As for your “friend”, remind them it’s been FOUR YEARS and if they were a real friend to this man, they would’ve convinced him not to contact you not given him their phone expecting a different outcome. Considering you are all university educated then friend and ex are acting like they are back in primary school..
Four. Years.
If he’s still miserable, he needs therapy, not more attention from you. Good on ya for blocking him and your former friend. Maybe let your other mutuals know what is happening, and let them know you’ll block anyone who puts him in touch with you or who tells you to give him another chance.
Four. Years.
Move forward with your head held high. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
You’re doing well OP
I’m glad that your sister (even at so young a age back then) was able to get through to you. Proud of you for not only breaking up with the narcissistic dude who was constantly tearing you down but also blocking him and that trashy “friend” who wants to take the side of your emotionally abusive ex.
After a mental breakdown a few years back I personally made it a rule to not believe in keeping people around in my life that only want to hurt/manipulate me as we never get back time wasted on/with such people.
If you are still feeling conflicted about it, going to counseling/therapy/whatever you prefer to call it to sort it out and find ways to cope (as to lessen the hold/effect of panic attacks, etc) would be great. If you do look into that, don’t be afraid to change therapists/etc if you feel like they’re not a good fit—you are in no way obligated to stick with someone who disregards, minimizes, gaslights, or sympathizes with people that do
Good luck & good health OP 🍀✨
Girl. In the FOUR YEARS since you guys broke up, he has done absolutely zero reflecting on what he did wrong in your relationship. If he had, you would’ve heard from him way before you posted your new bf.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he assumed that he could get you back whenever he wanted. Maybe it’s because he figured he’d undermined your self-esteem enough with his little comments that you wouldn’t think you could do better. Seeing you with another guy shattered this illusion. He assumed that you, like him, haven’t grown or changed in four years. It’s honestly a little pathetic. Just laugh about it
Yes, you’re too high class for him, but the economic class but the moral one. Just cut and lived your better live, he made a choice and took his own path.
This man is insecure with a fragile ego, and that still hasn’t improved over four years. He also still doesn’t see you as a human, and only a symbol of who he believes himself good enough to be. He’s heartbroken only over his own actions, which he’s still not willing to take accountability for and is projecting and blaming you for still, by framing your family as the issue and not his fragile sense of self.
That’s why he’s in imaginary competition with a man he’s never met.
Block him, and think the universe that you were able to get away from him so young.
He’s was a loser, still is, and the ‘friend’ is an enabler, if not one themselves. Congratuaions i’m moving on!
Stop looking in the rearview for people who didn’t have the same condemnation when you were actually being mistreated.
Your sister sounds like the true hero here! Listen to your sister! Go tell her about this bullcrap. Your sister will help you think right again. Nothing is more rage inducing than a man who decides to ruin your life, waste your time, expect you to manage his lack of security and maturity, and then decide to get mad at you when you realize you can live without him. You got your life together. Four years later he decides he was ‘willing to lower himself to accept your family’. Yeah, okay, thats nice. You are not interested in being berated over things that aren’t your fault but if you ever need someone to yell at you over things you didn’t do, you’ll give him a call.
Four years!!! It took him four years to not even admit that he was wrong, but willing to overlook ‘your’ defects. This guy is something else. Yuck.
That man knew you were too good for him, and he tried to bring you down to his level. You deserved so much better.
You’re too good for him
He always knew you were too good for him which is why he tried to crush you, insulted you, but now desperately wants you back.
But you are too good for him. He deserves nothing more from you, not even the time you waste thinking of him.
It sounds like you healed, but maybe you should consider talking to a therapist to help remove some of the scar tissue left behind by the damage he caused.
Do not get back together with this individual. There is a reason why he’s your ex and you do not want to be hurt like this again. Just go to contact with him move on and find the person that you should be with not this narcissist you deserve better let the past be the pastjust go on and move forward.
You want to be with someone who boosts your confidence and enhances your capacity. Not one who uses his mediocrity to stop you from excelling. There something called the “crab bucket effect”, when when kept in a bucket without lid, no crab can escape the bucket as the one who starts to climb is immediately pulled back by other crabs in their insecurity and desperation. You ex sounds like that crab.
Your sister sounds amazing.
Your ex does not.
He’s your ex for a reason. And he has four years to reflect and get you back. He’s only doing this because of your new boyfriend.
His insecurities will drag you down because you’ll forever lessen yourself to make him feel better. His crying etc is a manipulation technique. In a nutshell he belongs to the 🗑️ and should remain there forever (along with that
friend). You’ll not regret cutting them off but will regret if you get in again. What he did to you was abuse. Repeat: abuse.
Four years, which is:
Forty eight months.
Two hundred and eight weeks.
One thousand four hundred and sixty days.
Thirty five thousand and forty hours..
Took him that long to realise he’s jealous, but he still hasnt figured out how to grow up smh.
It’s not our job to put the pieces back together of the shit that they break. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but congratulations on your studies and the new bf!!!
It can really throw us for a loop when a blast from a traumatic past shows up and – temporarily – throws us back into a place we thought we’d escaped from, but you handled it like a champ by blocking him and losing the not-a-friend who enabled him.
Its ok to take some time to sort through the negative feelings his contact has dredged up so you can keep moving forward into a positive future that doesn’t include him. The important thing to remember is that he doesn’t actually want you, he just doesn’t want you to be happy without him. His fragile ego can’t handle the idea that after four years you aren’t still getting up each morning and crying into your cornflakes because you aren’t together. That’s his problem, not yours. Your life is only improved by his absence and it’s right for you to keep it that way.
That is NOT a friend. How dare him scold you for WHAT YOUR EX DID! Good riddance
Girl, this man is STILL trying control you. You didn’t leave him, remember HE broke up with you because he was an insecure little man. I won’t even repeat all the put downs from him that you wrote in this post. I bet there are 100’s more. Block him and anyone who helps him contact you!
Congratulations on all your accomplishments and I wish you nothing but joy!
Your ex hasn’t changed, he’s still hateful towards your family’s status. He doesn’t like seeing you happier than him.
Hey, I’m also from India. It seems this is very common. I also had an ex like this, who when we broke up admitted to me that he didn’t think he could give me the lifestyle I was used to (I didn’t ask him to lol) and kept putting this undue pressure on himself to make a lot of money and be successful, it completely broke us. I’m more surprised that you stayed with him for so long because his insecurities and toxicity seem very out in the open, whereas I didn’t really know my ex was feeling any of this until the end.
Unfortunately in our society, this pressure continues to exist in men, and unless they let go of their own ideologies (which are often very casteist in their root) they won’t be able to hold secure relationships where both partners can grow together.
His insecurity about your family’s background led him to break up with you, and it was his self-fulfilling prophecy. Now he wants to get back with you, after he saw photos of your boyfriend with you? He had his chance, and he can’t be trusted to be emotionally stable. You’re right to block him and his friend.
Blocking him was the right thing to do, you got yourself a good and more importantly you were strong enough to build your own way and are moving on from him. Maybe see someone about working through your feelings.
Another loser who ruined a good thing he lucked into.
The friend is also being nosy for no reason, good to block them too.
Please, do this: block everyone who tries to talk to you about him. This so-called “friend” of yours wants you to do what eactly, give the guy a chance after 4 years? Break up with new boyfriend? This awful, controlling man took great joy in bringing you down. It made him feel superior to “knock you down a peg” whenever he could. He is disgusting. Please live your very best life, which does not include him.
It took him, until he saw you moved on, to be heartbroken. Yeah, right.
Block both of them and keep going forward.
Your ex is an insecure fool who wants to knock you down, so he feels better.
You don’t owe this asshole shit. Who you do owe something to is yourself, and you’ve been doing it. You were absolutely right to block him, and to distrust that friend. Stay strong. Don’t convince yourself to become his victim again.