I slept with my husband

I made a really really really awful choice, and I’m about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My husband and I separated several years ago. We decided to stay legally married for his permanent residency. The break up wasn’t too ugly, we still loved each other enough to support each other in life, we just resented each other too much to be in each others lives. We now live in different cities and have only been in contact for legal matters.

I am now in a relationship that’s taught me what it actually feels like to be deeply loved and cherished. My boyfriend is everything I needed and never had in my marriage. But lately we’ve had awful fights, and I’ve been questioning whether to continue fighting for us or let go before we end the same – with nothing but exhaustion and resentment.

Last week, I visited family in the city where my husband now lives. We decided to meet up to handle some paperwork and catch up. It was really weird at first, but it turned out very light, innocent and oddly healing. We were able to laugh about the past. I was genuinely happy to see how good he’s been doing, how much he’s changed, and that he’s also got someone new to love. We met a couple more times during the week..

We got really drunk one night and started to reminisce. We both cried a lot. There were heartfelt yet long overdue apologies exchanged, and a long hug that turned into something else. We hooked up. It was sudden, emotional and surreal, I still can’t fully process it.

It felt good.. which is the hardest part to admit.

I wish I wouldn´t have done it. I hate that I broke my boyfriend’s trust. But I can´t honestly say that I regret it or that it hasn´t been living in my head ever since. I keep having to pull my mind away from fantasies of getting back together with my husband, of the life we almost had, of the child we once planned for. And I can’t stop hearing him whisper, while inside me, that he’s missed me and wanted this for years.

I am deeply ashamed and spiraling like I never have before. I genuinely thought those feelings died 7 years ago. I distinctly remember how it felt to fall out of romantic love with him and to lose all sexual attraction. I was HAPPY when we separated. I hadn´t thought longingly of him, or fantasized about him in years.

But all those old feelings were there, right where we left them; untouched. It’s like a wound I thought had healed was just re-bandaged, still fresh and bleeding underneath. I never in a million years expected to hear him acknowledge / apologize for certain things that happened in our marriage. I didn’t even know I wanted those acknowledgements so badly.

On my last day in town, I told him that after we finalize the divorce and fully cut legal ties, I want us to finally be completely out of each others lives. No contact. Because healing clearly never finished. And this limbo we’ve been in is keeping old wounds fresh.

I’ve been back home for a few days now, in bed, paralyzed with all these conflicting feelings within me: deep guilt, and shame but also nostalgia, reassurance and closure. And my heart is breaking for my husband all over again, somehow, while bracing for the heartbreak I will soon have for my boyfriend.

Because despite it all, I still love my boyfriend deeply. He’s the best partner I’ve ever had – and probably ever will have had. I’m going to tell him everything this weekend, and I haven´t stopped crying, knowing whats ahead of us. He deserves to know the truth and I dont expect forgiveness.

I know I’ll probably get torn apart here. If you’ve got anger, I understand. If you’ve got perspective, I’m open to that too. Thanks for reading either way.