Update: I was on the phone with my partner last night and his mother walks into the room (unaware we’re on the phone) and starts talking to him about how I’ve went NC so I heard a large majority of it before he hung up. So basically, his mom has been upset that I’ve taken some space and gone no contact with her. She feels like because I was the one who withdrew, I should be the one to text her first. But the reason I pulled back in the first place is because I felt disrespected—especially after she crossed a boundary my partner set where he told his family not to talk about religion (they want me to convert). His mom agreed not to talk about it at his birthday when I came over and then guess what? She made religion the sole topic at the entire bday dinner and it was super awkward. My partner put her in place when I left shortly after and yelled at her saying she better not do that again and had a whole talk with her privately.
Since then, instead of trying to understand or check in directly, she’s been guilt-tripping him constantly and saying things like ‘we’re scared you’ll run off and get married without us,’ or that I’m being rude by not communicating with her. She also REFUSES to reach out to me first because she says she’s ‘the elder’ and it’s my job to text her first.
But I don’t feel comfortable reaching out when I was the one whose boundaries were ignored, and especially when she’s still putting pressure on my partner and trying to control the situation. He’s been super supportive and understands why I stepped back, and for now I’m just focusing on keeping my peace and letting things breathe. I’m just really f-ing annoyed this shit happens so often does she not get tired?!
Am I doing the right thing or overreacting?????
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Not overreacting. Tell him to stand up to his mother and tell her “Mother, I asked you not to speak about religion because OP doesn’t want to convert, will never change her mind on that and I 100% support and respect her decision. We are a grown adult couple and you get no say in what decisions we make for ourselves or as a couple. OP hasn’t done anything wrong as you are the one who raised the topic of religion. You can reach out and apologise or don’t and she doesn’t need to have anything to do with you going forwards but I do not expect her to apologise in any way, shape or form as you are the one in the wrong here and not her. If we did decide to elope and get married, that’s also none of your business. I’m a man now building my own little family with my partner, please stop trying to exercise control when it is not your place to”
That “elder” bs doesn’t fly anymore. She broke the relationship, she fixes it. Your partner needs to tell her that every single time she starts whining about how you refuse to tolerate her abuse. You wouldn’t tolerate it from anyone else, and you’re not going to tolerate it from her. Best that she understands this now, rather than 5 years from now when you and any future children you decide to have are competely NC with her.
You’re not overreacting—she just hates that you’re no longer playing by her rules. The guilt-tripping, the power plays about who should reach out first—classic manipulative tactics from someone who’s used to controlling the narrative. Keep holding your boundary; if she wanted peace, she’d respect your line, not weaponize tradition.