Edit to add: we have an hour by hour timeline that they can access, they want it more detailed. They also have our guest list, they want additional guest lists for smaller events not hosted by them as well.
My fiancé (31M) and I (29F) got engaged in October, and I have dreaded every interaction with his parents since then. We can’t have a normal conversation with them without it turning into interrogating us about very specific wedding details.
We’ll be getting married in about 6 months at his parents house (they’ve hosted parties larger than this) and they’re excited for us. We have everything lined up already, except for table & chair rentals for the backyard. This past weekend, his parents asked for a FaceTime chat, as they live 6 hours away from us, under the guise of “we just miss you guys!” However, after 30 seconds of pleasantries, the interrogations started again. They now want us to create a detailed schedule of the entire weekend of our wedding (again, which is in 6 months) ASAP. We also apparently need to create separate guest lists for rehearsal dinner, etc. like right now. We just wanted this to be a chill hang in the backyard with our closest family and friends, but they’re turning it into a production.
Some other context: before fiancé’s sister got married last year, she and their mom ended up in a screaming match about wedding details that had to be broken up by future FIL, and we fully see why.
I feel so lucky my fiancé gets just as annoyed about his parents questions as I do, and I know this isn’t as bad as a lot of people have it, but any advice? Do I just suck it up for the next 6 months, or can we set some boundaries? I’m already considering picking up overtime shifts the entire time his parents visit our city next month, but I’ll also have to go on a weeklong vacation with them in August. Help!
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Backup of the post’s body: My fiancé (31M) and I (29F) got engaged in October, and I have dreaded every interaction with his parents since then. We can’t have a normal conversation with them without it turning into interrogating us about very specific wedding details.
We’ll be getting married in about 6 months at his parents house (they’ve hosted parties larger than this) and they’re excited for us. We have everything lined up already, except for table & chair rentals for the backyard. This past weekend, his parents asked for a FaceTime chat, as they live 6 hours away from us, under the guise of “we just miss you guys!” However, after 30 seconds of pleasantries, the interrogations started again. They now want us to create a detailed schedule of the entire weekend of our wedding (again, which is in 6 months) ASAP. We also apparently need to create separate guest lists for rehearsal dinner, etc. like right now. We just wanted this to be a chill hang in the backyard with our closest family and friends, but they’re turning it into a production.
Some other context: before fiancé’s sister got married last year, she and their mom ended up in a screaming match about wedding details that had to be broken up by future FIL, and we fully see why.
I feel so lucky my fiancé gets just as annoyed about his parents questions as I do, and I know this isn’t as bad as a lot of people have it, but any advice? Do I just suck it up for the next 6 months, or can we set some boundaries? I’m already considering picking up overtime shifts the entire time his parents visit our city next month, but I’ll also have to go on a weeklong vacation with them in August. Help!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Do you HAVE to get married at his parents house?
If they’re hosting the wedding, they get a bigger say in this than they normally would.
I think having a guest list for a wedding 6 months out is a pretty reasonable ask.
In terms of the timeline/schedule, again it should be something you’re thinking about but I’d just send them a rough idea.
Have you considered trying to politely ask their motivations for wanting this information now? Hosting a wedding is a lot of work, they may just be trying to get a handle on what exactly they’ve committed to.
No, there is no polite way to get them to back off if their own child had to resort to a screaming fit to be heard.
Sometimes, the cheapest way to pay for things is with money. Reconsider having your wedding on your inlaws’ turf. It’s obvious they believe “their house their rules” even if it’s your wedding. Source another wedding venue, or consider eloping. Or you’re going to have 6 months of stressful pressure culminating in a grand production you don’t want. And you’ll be expected to be eternally grateful for having the wedding of your MIL’s dreams.
And honestly, watch your fiancés actions very closely during all this. How he manages his parents now is a preview of what you can expect from him after you’re married.
I think having a guest list and at least an overview of the day at this point is warranted since they are hosting the wedding at their house.
They have every right to know when they should expect the guests to arrive, when the bridal party will arrive, etc.
They honestly need to be able to plan since it’s at their house…
Are you limited to having the wedding on their property? Maybe finding a different venue, where they don’t have any say, would help. Even if invitations are already out, you still have plenty of time to notify your guests of any changes. It seems like most pre-wedding problems with in-laws stem from them either paying for or hosting weddings/receptions and their feeling entitled to calling all the shots. If you take away some of that power, maybe you can relax a bit. I wish you the best of luck and a happy future.
I think this is a pretty clear example, especially when coupled with what you experienced with fSIL, of a time where you need to set boundaries. It sounds like you are in too deep to just cut his parents out of the planning/hosting, so you guys need to set boundaries and stick to them. Annoyed of the FaceTimes? Only communicate about wedding details in writing. Demands for various guest lists? “Okay, we will have x guest list to you by x date and y guest list to you at y date” and leave it at that. Feeling overwhelmed with them? Tell them that and politely ask them to rein it in a bit. Do what you can do to limit their hijacking of your special day. It is YOUR day, not their day. To some extent, it sounds like they’ve been very gracious and generous in helping host and (presumably) pay for wedding activities. So I think the best thing to do with that stuff in mind is cut them as much slack as you two can manage (again, another boundary), try and suck it up until you’re married. Don’t instigate arguments to the best of your ability (not accusing you of doing so btw). Make sure your voices are heard and the wedding is going to be what you two want. Best of luck! Tricky situation for sure
There’s no polite way to say anything here. The problem is you’re using their home as your wedding venue, which means they get to be more involved and intrusive on how things go.
You have six months. Your options are to have your fiancé speak to his parents and hopefully get through to them about the stress being created with the demands being made or find yourself another venue where you have more control of timelines and demands.
Nope, they are the hosts and they get to set the major milestones and timelines. A guest list and a detailed plan 6 months out is a reasonable ask.
They’re hosting it, that makes it a bit different. I’d rethink this, they have too much control.
So, something to think about. They’re likely looking at the necessity of possibly needing to get additional insurance for the wedding, depending on how many guests there are
They are hosting it so they want to make sure everything goes as planned. I am kinda like this. Before any big even I like to make sure everything is lined up. Honestly I would be thankful they’re wanting your input at least. Weddings are hard to plan and put together so them asking you to assist in some of the planning isn’t wrong.
Had similar with my in-laws. Couldn’t visit them without them asking if we’d done this or that yet and them telling us what we must be doing for an entire year. It got to the point that we just didn’t want to see them as much because we were tired of it and we just wanted to be able to relax in their company. We just sucked it up until the wedding because we knew it would stop as soon as the day had passed.
If you want them to host your wedding at their house, unfortunately you’re stuck dealing with the way they host parties. You said they’ve previously held parties there that were larger than your wedding (which is large and formal enough that you’re having wedding events such as the rehearsal dinner all weekend).
I’m not a micro-planner myself so I get why you feel like this is so rushed and unnecessary, but hosting more than 20 people is a production that takes a lot of work to make sure every need is anticipated and everyone feels welcome. It’s your big day so if things are going sideways day of, it’s not going to be you figuring things out or looking bad when there’s a failure, it’s them.
If they have a reputation for successfully throwing such large (and emotionally significant) house parties, you should respect their process even though you think it’s annoying and overbearing. If this is out of their usual comfort zone and they’re massively stressed out about pulling this off, that’s all the more reason to work with them on planning so everything is handled well in advance. It’s much better to get all this micromanaging squared away now so you all can relax and enjoy your family when the time comes.
You are expecting these people to host your wedding. It’s not surprising that they want a “detailed schedule” for the wedding weekend. Even a “chill hang in the backyard” involves tables, chairs, porte-potties, parking, an “aisle” for you to walk, table settings, catering. You don’t say how many people are involved, but even if there are only 50 people, it’s not the same as a party. It’s their son’s wedding.
I would try to set a boundary.
For the first hour, it’s all wedding. After that , no wedding talk.
You can tell them that it is getting overwhelming and you miss just seeing them and getting to know them better and the wedding planning is getting in the way.
If you don’t have concrete details to give the event hosts yet, can’t you at least give them some sort of schedule of when you will decide? You can’t get people who want information off your back, without giving them information. If I were you, and I had 100% decided to definitely get married at their house? I would get on ChatGPT and ask it to create some timelines and some written confirmations of what you do know will be happening. Get it working on a series of documents that you can send them. It’s not hard to come up with a running sheet for the 24 hours of your wedding. It doesn’t have to be precise timings, but it can give a lot of comfort and clarity. Running or hosting a wedding is never going to be ‘chill’. If you put the work and strategy in beforehand, you will get to do some chillaxing on the day.
I think instead of waiting for them to ask you detailed questions (which you know they are going to do), you could be a bit more proactive and ask them what is behind their questions. Almost certainly, they are motivated by some simple worries and some simple hopes. Get to the bottom of those, re-assure them that you are working on a plan. Give them reason to believe that they will be getting information at certain times in the next six months. Once you have done that, you don’t have to answer specific questions every time you speak to them. You just reiterate the boundary you have set. ‘’Judy, we told you we will have confirmation on the ceremony times by the end of August. Let’s talk about something else.’ If they still won’t let it drop, that’s when you suddenly get busy and have to end the call because the cat needs you.
Even “a chill hang” requires planning, and they’re doing it at their house, so yeah, get to work to make this as easy as possible for them.
Waiting until the last minute to deal with the details is inconsiderate to them and not going to be fun for you.
Do what they ask, and the topics of conversation can change later.
the venue i paid for had the same asks. i don’t think your in-laws are being excessive in their asks
The stuff they’re asking for is what a normal venue would be asking for 6 months out.
Maybe they do this deliberately to drive off any potential wedding with their children. Or they are control freaks who can’t help themselves. Another big waving red flag. You have six months – move the wedding and reception and rehearsal dinner to other venues of your choice. They should have no say in anything – they should be glad they get to come at this rate. Or you’ll be sorry!
I used to manage events, and we had our own wedding at home.
I promise you, there is no such thing as a chill hang in the backyard unless someone has put in the effort to make it appear that way.
Given they are hosting, their requests are not as unreasonable as they would be if they were just the parents of the groom. Think of them like a venue – which they are.
That’s not to say that their requests are 100% reasonable. Two strategies to mitigate the pressure:
Try to figure out what their real concern is. This might require a combination of inference and direct questioning. The point is that something (or several things) is behind their urgency, and it might be that you can more easily address the real issue than their direct request. Not to mention it might prevent additional requests.
When you don’t have the information, tell them when you will have the information. This will reduce their anxiety and show that you are respecting the burden they are undertaking by hosting.
Congratulations and good luck!
They want to know what is going to happen in their house. They want to know how many people are going to come.
I am a planner by nature. I host Christmas for 25 people every year and probably start my timeline 2 months out (creating menu, planning shopping lists, cleaning prep, gift wrapping, etc.). People think I’m crazy when I say that I need to have all my gift shopping done by the first week of December. However, I have learned over time that doing things this way allows me to enjoy the holiday season much more. I am not staying up all night to wrap gifts, I am not stressing about last minute ingredients, and I have time to bake cookies and do other fun things with my kids. This is just Christmas for 25 people.
Your in-laws may be like me. My guess is they want to get some planning done early so come the week of your wedding, they can actually enjoy it and be present. Also, if they are hiring a caterer, DJ, or others, they may need to have the timeline in place for the contracts. I got married at a hotel, so had a wedding coordinator from the hotel. Her job was to make sure all of this stuff was decided early for a smooth day.
My recommendation, if you want to have it at their house, would be to develop a timeline for all the key things and to share/discuss it with them. If you are proactive, you may avoid these questions. Give them the dates on when you plan to have a guest list, when you plan to send the invites, when you will request RSVPs, date to finalize catering, flowers, etc.
I think so much of this could be avoided with proactive communication.
Their house, their rules, their party. If that’s not what you wanted, change the venue, you have plenty of time.
You do not have to go on a weeklong trip with them. Don’t let partners use you as a meat shield. It’s terrible for your relationship too.
Don’t get married at their house if you don’t want to do all this. Weddings are a lot and they don’t really accommodate the hang out vibe, they’re coordinated.
Move the wedding. Then any of their questions can be answered with “we’ve got it covered, no need to concern yourself. “
You should rent a venue and move everything there. It will probably include tables and chairs even.
Change your plans. Hold the ceremony somewhere else. Mind you they’ll be so pissed off.
Better idea: elope.
Your best option is to rent a venue. Ask around. My town has an open green space that is a cheap rental. As long as they are hosting this event, they get to be as obnoxious about the details as they want to be.