Content Warning: This post contains mentions of sexual assault, manipulation, and emotionally distressing behavior.
So my sister (late 20s) is dating a guy (mid 30s). They first got together in September of 2024 while we were still in college—and that’s when the issues started. Things seemed fine at first. One weekend he came down to visit us. My sister stepped out to run to the store, leaving us alone for a few minutes. He came out to my patio to talk, and out of nowhere, grabbed something I was holding—just took it without asking—and then started saying some really wild, inappropriate things. I didn’t even really process what he said at the time because I was so irritated by how casually and disrespectfully he acted.
A few days later, I get a call from my parents. My sister’s upset because her boyfriend told her I said all the weird things he actually said. He was trying to drive a wedge between us. My sister didn’t believe me at first, and that really hurt. Eventually, she started seeing the holes in his story when he couldn’t explain himself and kept deflecting. Then out of nowhere, he ghosted her.
Fast-forward months later: we move back home, and suddenly they’re talking again. I had major reservations, but I kept quiet because I wanted her to be happy. But I started digging into who this man really is, and what I found was seriously disturbing.
- He has a kid with a 19-year-old he got pregnant while he was in his 30s—after getting her addicted to drugs. We knew about the kid and have zero issues with the child—he’s completely innocent in all of this.
- He calls her “crazy” and wants full custody. According to my sister, he even wants to plant drugs in her car and call CPS. My sister said she’d help him do it.
- He cheated on his ex-wife with the young woman he got pregnant.
- And worst of all—her boyfriend has always been friends with the man who made serious threats toward me when I was 16. He was a grown adult who added me on Snapchat, kept trying to take me out, and when I finally said no for the last time, he responded in a way that was aggressive, scary, he threatened to rape and kill me. I had proof. My sister never believed me and still chooses to be friends with him, 8-9 years down the line. So learning that her boyfriend has always been close with that same guy? It makes me feel sick. It’s a small world, but not in a comforting way—it just feels like she continues to align herself with people who have no respect for boundaries, or for me.
So with all of that being said, I am extremely uncomfortable being around this man. On top of everything else, he is racist. I’m currently dating someone who isn’t white, and this man has made crude, disgusting comments about him.
He doesn’t treat my sister well either. He constantly goes through her phone, made her block and remove every guy on social media, manipulates her, talks down to her, and gets upset if she’s not spending every moment with him. Recently, they’ve started talking seriously—like marriage and kids—and my family, even though they know all of this, still allows him around because they’re scared of pushing my sister away. But in doing that, they’re pushing me away. I can’t even be in my own home without feeling sick to my stomach when he’s there. I don’t know what I’d do if she married him. I know she’d ask me to be her maid of honor, and I don’t know how I could support that. I don’t know how to even approach my sister. Anytime I try, she gets defensive and shuts down. She knows I don’t like him—I’ve tried to be quiet and respectful because I don’t want to push her away. But now, it’s getting to a point where I feel like I have to say something. I know it’s not my relationship. I know it’s not my place to tell her to leave him. But what do I do? Just silently remove myself? And if they do get married and I’m asked to be her MOH… what then? He makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and when my family asks me why, I tell them everything I just shared—every single time. And all I hear back is that I “need to get over myself.”
Am I wrong for feeling this way? Do I really just need to “get over it”? I don’t know if I even can. Would I be the asshole for wanting to have a serious talk with my sister about how I basically despise her boyfriend? Or would that just destroy our relationship more?
I’ve worked hard on myself. I’ve been in therapy, I’ve worked on communication (especially since we grew up in a very explosive home), and I can confidently say that the way I’ve approached things with her hasn’t been harsh. But she still shuts down. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
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Backup of the post’s body: Content Warning: This post contains mentions of sexual assault, manipulation, and emotionally distressing behavior.
So my sister (late 20s) is dating a guy (mid 30s). They first got together in September of 2024 while we were still in college—and that’s when the issues started. Things seemed fine at first. One weekend he came down to visit us. My sister stepped out to run to the store, leaving us alone for a few minutes. He came out to my patio to talk, and out of nowhere, grabbed something I was holding—just took it without asking—and then started saying some really wild, inappropriate things. I didn’t even really process what he said at the time because I was so irritated by how casually and disrespectfully he acted.
A few days later, I get a call from my parents. My sister’s upset because her boyfriend told her I said all the weird things he actually said. He was trying to drive a wedge between us. My sister didn’t believe me at first, and that really hurt. Eventually, she started seeing the holes in his story when he couldn’t explain himself and kept deflecting. Then out of nowhere, he ghosted her.
Fast-forward months later: we move back home, and suddenly they’re talking again. I had major reservations, but I kept quiet because I wanted her to be happy. But I started digging into who this man really is, and what I found was seriously disturbing.
So with all of that being said, I am extremely uncomfortable being around this man. On top of everything else, he is racist. I’m currently dating someone who isn’t white, and this man has made crude, disgusting comments about him.
He doesn’t treat my sister well either. He constantly goes through her phone, made her block and remove every guy on social media, manipulates her, talks down to her, and gets upset if she’s not spending every moment with him. Recently, they’ve started talking seriously—like marriage and kids—and my family, even though they know all of this, still allows him around because they’re scared of pushing my sister away. But in doing that, they’re pushing me away. I can’t even be in my own home without feeling sick to my stomach when he’s there. I don’t know what I’d do if she married him. I know she’d ask me to be her maid of honor, and I don’t know how I could support that. I don’t know how to even approach my sister. Anytime I try, she gets defensive and shuts down. She knows I don’t like him—I’ve tried to be quiet and respectful because I don’t want to push her away. But now, it’s getting to a point where I feel like I have to say something. I know it’s not my relationship. I know it’s not my place to tell her to leave him. But what do I do? Just silently remove myself? And if they do get married and I’m asked to be her MOH… what then? He makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and when my family asks me why, I tell them everything I just shared—every single time. And all I hear back is that I “need to get over myself.”
Am I wrong for feeling this way? Do I really just need to “get over it”? I don’t know if I even can. Would I be the asshole for wanting to have a serious talk with my sister about how I basically despise her boyfriend? Or would that just destroy our relationship more?
I’ve worked hard on myself. I’ve been in therapy, I’ve worked on communication (especially since we grew up in a very explosive home), and I can confidently say that the way I’ve approached things with her hasn’t been harsh. But she still shuts down. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
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You’re absolutely not wrong and NTA for not wanting to be around your sister’s boyfriend. How your family is handling is not right. Allowing a predator and racist around family for the sake of your sister is awful. They should have better boundaries, and it would be up to your sister on if she wants to stick around. They can’t control her or keep her safe.
I understand your frustrations. All you can do is be distant from family. They aren’t safe and don’t have the interest of keeping family safe as being important. You will likely just see and talk to them less. You don’t have to be the MOH or even attend the wedding. You don’t have to be anywhere or at any event he is at. That is your boundary. Communicate that with your family. If they don’t understand, live it and then they can experience it.
NTA. You are 100% not wrong. I don’t think you can do anything to get your sister out of the situation, though, unfortunately. She has heard your concerns, but she has no interest in listening. I don’t think continuing to talk to her about it is going to make any difference. Don’t cut her off, but tell you that you can’t be around this guy, but that you’ll always be there for her.
She’s obviously not going to listen to anyone so the best thing you can do is let her know that you love her and will always be there for her but you cannot – in good faith – support this relationship. This is a lesson your sister is going to have to learn on her own.