For context, I have been unwell for over a month. I had a seizure which has since rendered me pretty useless – I feel lightheaded, dizzy, and stressed every day, and can’t spend long periods of time without lying down. A lot of it is probably psychosomatic, but none the less I’ve been feeling pretty bad.
I had some improvements in the last few days and when invited on a day trip, I decided to say yes as I knew I was improving. I had reimbursed a friend for the ticket, as they had booked it for me. The night before the trip, I really struggled to sleep, and averaged out at about 2 hours sleep. My first seizure was partially brought on by lack of sleep and I woke up feeling similar to how I felt that day. I was a little stressed out and ended up backing out of the trip. It was a group trip so I wasn’t leaving anyone alone. I had really wanted to visit this place, and apologised for being such a flake. I felt guilty and embarrassed for having to back out at the last minute, but my friends were aware of my situation.
Both friends were somewhat pissed off and didn’t really want to engage with me. One friend is particularly annoyed, and honestly, I’m not really sure why. I understand it’s irritating for someone to back out but it would have been worse to put them out by having another episode and ruining their day. I also don’t owe them any money as I had sent them what I owed them for the ticket. They also haven’t explained how they feel or why they feel that way but confirmed they were annoyed.
I’m already having a really tough time as I’m never well enough to stay out for a full day/night and I was looking forward to seeing a new place. I’m sick of missing out on stuff and constantly being stressed, which they know. I do feel really guilty for having to cancel so last minute but I didn’t think it would make a difference to their plan.
Edit: they were actually there when I had the seizure, so they saw how terrified I was. I was taken to hospital and had various tests, nothing much came back (other than anemia) and I was told just to be on watch in case it happens again. As I’ve mentioned, I do feel physically unwell, but it could be psychological. And I have an appointment booked with a doctor for next week. ( the wait is only because I am on a study abroad programme and would rather see a doctor in my home country, which is where I’m going next week)
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For context, I have been unwell for over a month. I had a seizure which has since rendered me pretty useless – I feel lightheaded, dizzy, and stressed every day, and can’t spend long periods of time without lying down. A lot of it is probably psychosomatic, but none the less I’ve been feeling pretty bad.
I had some improvements in the last few days and when invited on a day trip, I decided to say yes as I knew I was improving. I had reimbursed a friend for the ticket, as they had booked it for me. The night before the trip, I really struggled to sleep, and averaged out at about 2 hours sleep. My first seizure was partially brought on by lack of sleep and I woke up feeling similar to how I felt that day. I was a little stressed out and ended up backing out of the trip. It was a group trip so I wasn’t leaving anyone alone. I had really wanted to visit this place, and apologised for being such a flake. I felt guilty and embarrassed for having to back out at the last minute, but my friends were aware of my situation.
Both friends were somewhat pissed off and didn’t really want to engage with me. One friend is particularly annoyed, and honestly, I’m not really sure why. I understand it’s irritating for someone to back out but it would have been worse to put them out by having another episode and ruining their day. I also don’t owe them any money as I had sent them what I owed them for the ticket. They also haven’t explained how they feel or why they feel that way but confirmed they were annoyed.
I’m already having a really tough time as I’m never well enough to stay out for a full day/night and I was looking forward to seeing a new place. I’m sick of missing out on stuff and constantly being stressed, which they know. I do feel really guilty for having to cancel so last minute but I didn’t think it would make a difference to their plan.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I cancelled a trip due to illness. I was sick for a long period of time after a seizure. I might be the asshole because I cancelled really really last minute and it’s not fair to be flakey. I really annoyed my friends by doing this
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
If they can’t communicate with you about this, they are not very good friends.
This is weird behavior of your friends. In fact if they are aware about your situation they should expect you to actually know only on the last minute. But actually I don’t think you tell us everything and leaving out necessary information. Maybe this is how you always do it? Why do you use ‹psychosomatic‹ as an excuse? INFO
Hopefully your doctors can find out what’s causing these seizures. It sounds like your health issues are seriously impacting your life.
Has this happened previously, or is this the first last-minute cancellation? If it happens regularly, that might be more irritating to the others in the group.
Hope you feel better soon.
Healthy people just don’t understand what it’s like to live with an unpredictable chronic illness. You are definitely NTA.
Something about your wording makes me think you are female and being dismissed by doctors as having anxiety. Please seek a second opinion, if so, and push for a proper answer. Get your bloods checked fully, scans if needed.
How did you know your friends were pissed off and not just frustrated because they were looking forward to seeing you?
I get it. I’m an autistic person who has had a chronic illness and pain since I was a teen (and I’m over 40 now). It’s restricting and even now makes me angry and frustrated. Friendships are hard to maintain, so do try and keep your communication strong with them.
NTA. Having another seizure would have been far worse than pulling out – for everyone. Especially for you if nobody knew what to do.
People who’ve never experienced chronic illness often don’t understand what it’s like, and it can be really difficult for them to grasp just how goddamn hard it can be to do even simple things. And on top of that you have to deal with the isolation it causes. You have to put your health first, and your friend need to find a way to understand that.
NTA and you said ur friends were aware of ur health issues and they’re giving you a hard time for it.
They’re the AH’s!
NTA. You should never feel guilty for prioritising your health and well-being unless you cancelling leaves someone in a tough spot, and even then it’s regrettable but not something you can help. And you didn’t leave anyone in the lurch on this, you just weren’t able to go!
You are new to being ill and still learning how to manage it, if this is an ongoing health issie there will be many more times like this. Unfortunately some people are bad at being friends to people with chronic conditions, and your friends might be two of them. Which is very hard. I’ve been there. I’ve been chronically ill for 11 years. I’m happy to talk about any aspect of it that would be helpful ❤️
NTA. You did the responsible thing by backing out, it would’ve been worse if you had pushed yourself and had a seizure. They weren’t out money or anything. If they aren’t more understanding, they aren’t good friends IMO.
Are you able to track your pulse and blood pressure. Particularly when standing up vs lying down. I’m wondering if your seizure has caused secondary POTS
And also, you absolutely don’t need to feel guilty. I’ve had really poor health for. Good 10 years now. I often have to pull out of things right up until I was supposed to be somewhere. I find it upsetting but at the same time I know my limits better now. All the friends in my life now are the understanding ones who just accept that I’m unwell and have to cancel sometimes. I don’t have friends that make me feel guilty any more. The friends I do have I love so much because they have been through so much with me and each of them have had things go on that I’ve been there for them as well. Maybe bring it up with your friends and ask them how they feel? Sometimes we can project our guilt onto others and it makes us feel they are annoyed.
Cancelled a day trip yesterday because the other person got sick. Ate the money for the tickets I’d bought. It’s not worth it if you aren’t feeling up to go out because of any reason. If I was still poor I might have asked for some financial reimbursement, but there’s no reason to be mad if you’re ill or physically impaired. Not your fault. Not the asshole.
NTA. They need a lesson in empathy. I do think people who’ve never had more than a cold or standard illnesses don’t understand it takes the body a while to full recover, and it’s not linear. Regardless, they should have kept their disappointment to themselves. Here’s to a continued recovery!!
Have any of these friends ever reached out to offer you… anything? Especially anything that you haven’t asked for or instigated?
Has anyone ever reached out unprompted and asked how you are? If they can do anything for you? Asked if there’s any way they can help?
Instead of being annoyed you won’t come out, have any of them come to you? Spent time with you on your terms so they could possibly gain some real empathy? Has anyone tried to genuinely understand?
…or is it always about what you aren’t doing? How you’re a bummer and making them feel bad?
Not to sound like a dill hole but I feel like some info is missing. Did you have ONE seizure or are you getting seizures? Did doctors find out what caused the seizure or are you currently undergoing test and awaiting results? Did a doctor say there is evidence that wouldnmake it likely you’re going to have another one OR are you worried you’re going to have another one? You yourself said these symptoms could me psychosomatic… is it possible that the one seizure scared you and was traumatized you because let’s be honest, going through that is scary. You could have died… but is it possible that you’re so worried and scared to have another that these symptoms are from PTSD as a direct result of the first seizure and not symptoms that a seizure is about to happen?
NTA but I do think you need therapy. Are you often finding yourself canceling plans or saying no to plans because you’re worried you may or may not get a seizure? It’s understandably a scary thing to go through.. but if you are letting the fear of having another one control your life you should probably talk to a professional about it.
NTA
Sorry you are having to go through this. I can relate 100%. I hope you feel better soon.
NTA
I’ll just add that people seem to have an easier time empathizing with pain they can see or pain they have a personal experience with. You wrote that your condition may be psychosomatic. That makes it no less an issue for you, it is one that other people can’t see.
NTA. I had a similar situation and chose to go on the trip. It was a miserable time and I no longer speak to the people I was traveling with because of how I was treated on that trip. Take care of yourself first. People who don’t understand aren’t really friends anyway. You can try to plan another trip to that place with people who actually care about your wellbeing later after you’ve hopefully been able to manage your symptoms a little better. I hope things turn around for you soon!
NTA.
Your friends, I am using this term loosely, your friends should be able to communicate how they feel.
Hope you feel better soon.
NTA. Part of being temporarily or permanently disabled is figuring out what you can do at any given moment and constantly monitoring and reevaluating your condition. Sometimes that means canceling plans at the last minute. If you’re being responsible and not expecting others to literally or figuratively carry you, that’s unavoidable.
If you aren’t already aware of it, check out Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory:
https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
NTA. Health is more important than a fun day out. You paid for your ticket so no one was out of pocket. Seizures are no joke, this isn’t a hangover or a spring allergy. If those “friends” prioritise fun and social image over your health, they are NOT friends! Friends would’ve asked how you were feeling, told you to get well soon, and sent you pictures of the trip to make you feel included.
It’s probably because you admit it might be psychosomatic so perhaps they are thinking it’s drama. If this wasn’t the first time they’ve made plans with you and you cancelled for feeling unwell they might just be tired of it. I mean, you said you had a seizure last month. If that’s true and not just self diagnosis did you gone to the hospital? Do you have a disorder? People do not seize for no reason. I think people are just starting to get suspicious of self diagnosis where they don’t see it paired with action taken by the person to go to a dr for treatment. And they didn’t respond yet bc they don’t know how to say that without seeming unkind. But do expect to start getting invited less to stuff if they don’t see you actively seeking medical care. Hard to render a judgment without knowing if the problem was real or psychosomatic.
It definitely is a completely inappropriate response on their part, and frankly cruel for all the reasons already stated. NTA.
The only thing I could imagine might be going through their minds, in trying to give them some benefit of the doubt, is if they planned this trip as some kind of group intervention, thinking that somehow they could convince you to move past the psychological side of your condition, and felt thwarted. But even if that was the case, they clearly couldn’t be trusted to have the right empathy to do you any good. When someone experiences physical distress from emotional triggers, you don’t spring stressful situations on them and expect you to fulfill some role they’ve planned for you.
Anyways, I’m just casting around for some understanding, but you are DEFINITELY NT, and if they can’t open up to you in a non-threatening way, then you should give yourself some space from these people.
You need better friends
NTA. I had a big seizure one morning in my living room 23 yrs ago. My terrified brother called 911. I was so messed up (tired/sleepy, with serious amnesia – totally normal after a Sz) and in the hospital for a week. Of course, they found nothing wrong. I was ok at first, like my memory was gone & I felt a little rebooted, but then the panic of having another seizure started to take over. Since I had no idea why I had it, the fear & anxiety was even worse!! I wasn’t put on meds because I didn’t need them, but I kinda wished I had something, or like emergency ativan! I was terrified to drive, terrified to work, & terrified of leaving the house. My brother was still freaked out, so he didn’t care that I was too!
I’m an RN, my BFF, also an RN, “let” me stay home for like 2 weeks before she pressured me into coming over her house. I was so uncomfortable, I resented her for bullying me to hang out with her when I was still so anxious!! I also had an undiagnosed chronic illness (autoimmune & rare) that nobody understood. So, it was really easy for people to brush me off like I was just being a pain in the ass. I didn’t go back to work until 2.5-3 months later – but I was also recovering from a badly broken wrist.
Later in life, almost 20 years later, I started having seizures again, except this time I knew they were from lack of sleep because I stopped taking Ambien a few months before & couldn’t sleep much. (I had horrible insomnia since I was 25 yrs old, it ruined my life along with other symptoms.) I was put on antiseizure meds then & took them for about 3yrs. During that time, my insomnia improved enough that I was able to stop the meds (Keppra).
I think my original seizure was also related to insomnia, but I had the worst amnesia & couldn’t remember the week before my seizure at all. Then, being all postictal & pumped full of ativan, I couldn’t stay awake in the hospital to even tell them about my insomnia!!
Friends rarely understand, so you need to take care of yourself. Don’t do anything until you feel comfortable. It’s better than having a friend or complete stranger call 911 when you have a seizure in public!
Take care & good luck!!❤️❤️❤️
People find it really difficult to understand other people’s I’ll health if it isn’t something they’ve encountered before.
I used to have depression. Never knew how I was gonna feel until the day. First started backing out of stuff because I literally couldn’t get myself out of the house. Eventually stopped making plans so I’d never need to let anyone down.
Eventually, off the meds and mostly better, I started doing things again. But the anxiety was sky high. Almost made me ill again. The idea that I might need to let someone down. It took me literally decades to get past that.
Take it easy on yourself. Do what’s manageable. Don’t do what isn’t. Try not to shut yourself away, but do it if you need to. Make arrangements to go out and do nice things, alone, if it helps that you won’t need to let anyone down if you want to change your mind last minute. Buy a ticket for something so you’re more likely to not change your mind, but forgive yourself if you do.
Good luck.
NTA: I hope you are feeling better soon.
NTA from what you’ve described here, but I wonder if this was a last straw scenario.
NTA and I’m sorry your friends are being this way.
I canceled a concert on a friend once with much less notice – I got food poisoning and the symptoms hit while we were in the car, driving to the show, on the highway. She pulled over like 3 times for me to throw up and then turned around to take me home.
She ended up going to the show and giving my ticket to her boyfriend, and in turn not making me pay her back for another show we had planned later in the month (I was supposed to, but the show i got sick on was my birthday present, so she didn’t make me), and we left that show early because she felt like she was going to have a seizure (she’s epileptic) and I said: nah, you don’t feel well, we leave. C’mon.
The show i had food poisoning? I apologized so much, and she did too, and then we started joking about it – mostly me teasing her about going without me/not getting me merch, no bad blood there, pure teasing and she knew it and joked back.
That’s what good friends do. They understand. You have an issue that doctors are still figuring out and they told you to be on guard. You did the responsible thing.
THESE ARE NOT FRIENDS. Sorry OP, you deserve better. Stop gaslighting yourself, you’ve got it hard enough without piling on against yourself like another bully. NTA.
Pushing yourself when symptoms are arising could trigger another seizure, and each seizure may do lasting damage and opens the door to suffering more seizures. The need for you to be cautious and take care of yourself is hard to state strongly enough.
It blows my mind that these people saw what you went through yet respond to your caution without sympathy. They are the worst, and won’t be there for you if you end up in worse condition trying to please them.
My daughter had her first tonic clinic (grand mal) seizure 11 days after her first child was born. She had auras (seeing lights), feelings of Deja vu, and chills and just felt super weird for quite a while. She had another one a couple months later. The doctors didn’t even believe she was having seizures, but the second one was caught on tape at CVS so yeah, she got a copy that proved it to them. Anyway, then she was put on anti-seizure medication but she was still having breakthrough seizures like once a year. So now she’s on two seizure medication‘s for the rest of her life. If she misses one dose, she feels very bad and it’s scary for her because she thinks she’s gonna have a seizure. But her seizures are now controlled with meds and she has not had one for about 13 years. She has 3 children and can drive and lives a normal life.
So don’t feel bad about this, the best thing for you was to stay home and stay close to doctors for now. Seizures are very scary and you can die from hitting your head or drowning in the shower. My stepdaughter‘s cousin had had seizures his whole life and he really wasn’t supposed to be alone ever. But he was in his 20s and lived in Chicago and took a shower one day, no one was home, he had a seizure and blocked the drain and he died from drowning.
Doctors do not know enough about seizures to tell if you even have epilepsy. They can see brain activity if you have one of those tests with all the electrodes stuck onto your head. But no one has ever told my daughter why she’s having seizures or what caused it. They just don’t know enough. There’s no blood test to tell if you have epilepsy. There’s no way to predict if you will have another seizure. They just wait and see and try different meds to see what will work.
Lots of people only have one seizure and never have another, and I pray you are in this group, but only time will tell.
You are def NOT TA! Your friends however are major AHs.