Original post: My parents are arranging me [19F] to meet/date/marry their friend’s son [22M]. I don’t know how to feel.
UPDATE 1 + 2 is on my account. This is UPDATE 3.
Edit – I forgot to add somewhere that I’m American.
A lot of things happened from my [19F] first post and update. First off, I lost my close group of friends. I tried meeting up with them, to talk about it, but they made it clear that I was no longer a part of their group. Secondly, I almost go fired from my job. My supervisor reprimanded me for trying to take some of my medication. I ended up going to the bathroom and crying. Not only that, I also had to go get my medication refilled (I have depression and other MH illnesses).
Anyway, this morning I learned that he [22M] was coming back to the US today (that’s why this update was deleted since I added what happened when he came back). We did end up calling each other, and I said that I accepted the idea of us being engaged. He’s happy. My parents are happy. His family’s happy. When he came back (around 6) he hugged me and I’m not gonna lie, I really needed that hug.
He, my parents, and his parents (no other family members) went out to eat. He gave me a gift. It’s a beautiful engagement ring (a simple band/no stone which I wanted). After that, we went by ourselves to get ice cream. He got me strawberry ice cream (which is one of my favorites). We talked a lot and before I went with my parents back home, he kissed me! My first kiss by the way. I also invited him to my cousin’s house this weekend since we’re having a family get together/barbeque (so he can meet everyone). I’m happy. But I’m also very tired and just want to sleep lol.
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Hi I’m glad this is what you seem to want for yourself but I see you also have mental health struggles and your family seems very set on this path for you. An arranged marriage can be fine but you really do need to be able to advocate for yourself and your boundaries. You should also have security and a plan to exit the relationship if it doesn’t work out. These protections should be preserved in a way you can access them at will and should be a requirement of the marriage before it happens.
Before you get married it’s important not that you like the same music or he’s nice to you now. Those things are the bare minimum but that you also agree on sex, intimacy, finances, working outside the home, free time away from each other and children.
Glad it’s going well!
Everything seems lovely. This is how it’s supposed to be’.
This is very exciting for you. Arranged marriages can work well. Any marriage requires both people to actively work for each other’s happiness and for their own happiness. It’s working as a team even if the roles are different that is important.
As others have said, the early days are when people put on their best behavior, but for some people that can last a very long time. People also change over the years. Monday is the same person they were 10 years ago. A successful couple just keeps adapting together and prioritizes making the match work.
Did you lose your friend group over the arranged marriage?
Work needs to allow you to take needed medications. Not letting you take meds could potentially cause them problems. Depending on your work environment you may need to be sure you are not taking pills in a place you should not. For example: a Bio Lab should have strict no food or drink rules. But work needs to accommodate taking meds.
I wish you the best with your future. Enjoy the magic of these days and treasure it.
Have you thought about going to college? You can start at a community college, so you can ease into it.
Also, I know it is very early in the relationship, but the 2 of you need to discuss kids. It’s ok to wait until after you get a degree.
((HUGS)) Sorry your friends don’t understand the culture of arranged marriages.
I met my husband and married him 10 months later. It will be 30 years this year, so I don’t have an issue with a short engagement. But, I was 29 when I got married and had had several serious relationships already. I knew what I was looking for and what I wanted in a life partner. Someone mentioned couples counseling and I think that’s a good idea. It will help you get to know each other and how you each communicate. Just don’t rush.
glad things r going well I would just caution u to have a long engagement and spend that time REALLY getting to know this guy- that initial stage of meeting someone is always lovely, but if you’re gonna have a long happy life together u need to see each other when you’re stressed, tired, busy etc cos this is when people’s faults come out to play. then you get to see if their faults r deal breakers or just quirks youre okay with. plus youre so so young- you need to have the time to figure yourself out as well, decide what u want your life to look like and what your goals are and those might change! if hes right for you you guys will get to grow and support each other through changes and maturing, but you might also realise that the newer versions of you dont work together. I mean I’m only 24 and I want wildly different things from my partner and my life than I did at 19! only time will give u all those answers so take as much of it as u can and enjoy the process! good luck babe!
Look, I have nothing against matchmade marriages. But you’re 19. I’m so sorry to tell you this but no matter how you’re feeling now, this is a terrible idea. I hope you can postpone things until at least 21, but even then that’s still too young imo. Please don’t be afraid to seek help or advice from (real) people beyond your family, like a counselor or therapist.
Also… this feels very Mormon to me, esp since you mention you’re in the US. That comes with a lot of pitfalls and if so, I highly recommend checking out Alyssa Grenfell on YT. And even if not, she talks a lot about very young marriages like yours. There’s a lot of data out there about why they’re overwhelmingly not considered good ideas.
I truly wish you the best of luck!
Sounds like the timing of this could not have been better. Between your friends and job, seems like you could use some people caring about you right now. Glad it is working out.