I found out that my girlfriend was pregnant in the middle of June 2024. A few days before we found out, i was gonna break up with her. i was trying to build up the balls to end it and then boom, she pregnant. Now i have a 3 month baby and everyday i regret ever getting with my girlfriend. she told me that i do not have to be with her just for the baby. she says that she won’t go for custody and keep him from me. but who knows how true that will be. i suffer in silence for the sake of my baby growing up with their dad. i want to be in my child’s life, but i don’t want to be with the baby mama. i’m 20y/o. any advice??
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Split up, children benefit more from 2 happy parents in their lives than 2 miserable ones. Keep up the contact with your child as you will become increasingly important to them and how they turn out.
Put arrangements in place now to do this that are legal not ad hoc and NEVER criticise their mum infront of them however hard this is as when they are an adult they will love you for this.
It’s unfair on your baby’s mum to stay in this situation as she will continue to be hurt knowing you don’t love her. Expect recriminations and hurt but if you stay civil and calm this will pass. Time is a great healer.
You need to grow those balls quickly – kids never benefit from parents being together “for the sake of the kids”. Speak to a lawyer if you can to understand what your rights are, and how to ensure that you remain in this kid’s life.
And then, make sure you provide for and co-parent this child consistently, and consider how to reliably avoid getting anyone else pregnant until and IF you want to start a family.
I hope you manage to find a good solution, it’s a toughie to learn for someone as young as you.
Get a backbone. Children will learn their parents’ misery fairly quickly and it’s miserable for them. Nothing about this situation will be beneficial for a child and nothing you’re doing makes you a stand up guy in the long run. You’re just as apt to have a miserable, broken home with a child who doesn’t feel supported and a woman who knows you resent her with the path you’re headed down.
There will have to be custody of some sort. The baby will need to live somewhere. You’ll end up with a visitation schedule. There will be support of some sort, the baby is entitled to it. You’ll have to work it out and formalize it and it will be tough for a bit. It’s better to be honest about it and upfront. She’ll be entitled to her feelings as well. She might feel the same or be angry. But you need to clear the air and you need to start processing this. You have to get the ball rolling. And probably seek out some therapy, honestly. It will help you.
Has there been a paternity test?
You need to leave her. You already have an established relationship and are legally recognized as the father, so it would be rather difficult for her to cut you off from your child, even if you have to hash it out in court unless she can prove you’re unfit to parent, your parental/custodial rights would be difficult for her to take away. I mean, considering the child is so young, she will likely get primary custody at least until the baby is no longer on breast milk/formula. She may gain primary custody until pre-school/daycare age. But even if she gains primary custody due to the baby’s young age, you can simply petition to alter the custody agreement once the child is of a more appropriate age. And if you REALLY don’t trust her, you can always get her on recording or on text stating clearly that in the event of a break up she won’t attempt to take away your parental/custodial rights or petition for large amounts of child support. Also, you staying in a relationship where you’re miserable isn’t fair to you, your girlfriend, or your child. Two happy homes are better than one unhappy home.
I just love how so many people are like ‘leave her’. And the baby. Leave her AND leave her with the baby, of course. Oh and be sure to get a paternity test, and see a lawyer to establish your rights. And don’t get anyone else pregnant! But def leave her with that baby, and go live your life and be happy because kids know when parents are unhappy. So your happiness is paramount! (Don’t worry about mom’s unhappiness at being a single mom we don’t talk about that motherhood fills women with joy ya know).
Nobody ever tells a woman to leave her baby daddy and the kid behind for her happiness.
pls leave. as a kid who grew up begging their parents to get divorced, it’s the best option. i no longer to speak to either of my parents. co-parenting can produce super happy children. just needs to be done the right way!
thank you guys for the helpful responses. some more context, baby mama was always on birth control throughout the relationship, one month she decided to switch the kind of birth control she was on. she ended up not going back on birth control and that’s when the baby was conceived.
as far as who’s more fit, i am in the military and have uncle sam benefits. the mom has never been employed, is not in school, doesn’t have a license, and has pretty much depended on me the whole relationship.
i do love this girl, im just not IN love with her anymore.