I have been working on a gift for my partner for weeks that I’ve had saved on my device. Every single second I’ve had alone I have worked on it. Today was no different. He came home and whilst I was in the bathroom picked up my iPad so he could use it to video call his friends on a bigger screen (nothing malicious). But as he didn’t ask and I didn’t know, I had not closed the app. I know it will have been the first thing on screen when he opened it. He’s said nothing yet. I’ve said nothing yet. But I’m certain he’s seen it. It was supposed to be a meaningful surprise.
I want to clarify it’s not his fault. It was an accident. I think he’s pretending he hasn’t seen is. He’s still on call with his friends at the moment so I’m unsure if he will mention it. But I’m certain he’s seen it. However, I am absolutely gutted. I don’t want to be sad and mopey about it I really don’t. I don’t want to make him feel bad for a mistake. But I can’t help how upset I am that it was spoilt regardless. I feel really immature and childish for being so upset. How do I get over it and take it in stride?
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First of all, did you have a pre-established rule of common courtesy to ask if you can use each other’s devices before you commandeer them?
It seems a bit presumptuous on his part to just pick up and use your devices, especially if you had only been gone for a minute and your screen was still active. That is a mild pink flag to me.
I think that you should not delay this conversation because it is (1) about privacy and (2) about common courtesy.
It doesn’t matter that you have nothing to hide. What does matter is that it was YOUR device, and he could tell especially that you had only been recently using it.
In fact, those two things make me wonder if his lack of common courtesy and using your device to call his friends was just cover for snooping. Why not call his friends on his phone, for example?
When you talk to him, given you are certain he has ruined his own surprise, you must explain the frustration and sadness you are experiencing, and I would say the “annoyance” that if he had only used common courtesy and asked first, this would have been avoided.
AND FINALLY, do not sugarcoat anything or end the conversation without resolution and the resolution is that in the future both of you are to “ask first” before you take someone else’s device and use it.
Is it normal in your relationship to have access to each other’s devices without having to ask? If so, there really isn’t anything you should be angry about. It was you who left the app open for him to see.
I do understand, though, that you’re desperately disappointed that your surprise is (probably) ruined. Since you don’t say what it was about, I can’t really say how much he would understand by just seeing the app, but I think you should talk to him about it. Maybe probe a little first, like “The other day when you used my notebook, did you see anything there?” And if he says yes, just tell him to try not to think about it too much, everything will be clear soon (I guess). This way, you won’t always have to wonder how much he knows.
Otherwise, there’s not much you can do except come to terms with it. I know that it would help me to talk about it with others – my sister, friends, my mom. This takes the edge off the disappointment. Maybe you have someone you can talk to about it, too. Just don’t frame it as if your boyfriend did something bad – it was an accident, the universe was against you, however you’d like to frame it for yourself.
It’s a rule in our house to let the other know, “ hey stay out of this app ( or device) because of presents. Helps avoid this.
Accidents happen. I’m sorry you are crushed. Hugs
That is disappointing, but maybe just go along with him pretending he didn’t see. I think it’s cute that he would act that way.
I was on the opposite end of this during Christmas. We got my Mother-in-law a Switch and my wife got me a Steamdeck. We were opening the box (when it arrived, weeks before the holiday) to check out the Switch when I saw the “Valve” logo. We both realized and I was like “I didn’t see anything!”
she said I might as well open it and use it. did kinda impact the magic, but I was still super excited.
I am sorry that your surprise might me ruined. But hey I’m sure the gift is still very nice and I am sure he will be happy about it.
I think you are acting very mature about it (not just personally but also in your relationship). You are disappointed but you are not blaming him and anything.
I think these things just happen from time to time. Especially surprises when you live together. Doesn’t have to be the iPad. It can be super disappointing but it’s part of being so close with someone and again I am sure he will love your present 🎁
Maybe he’s pretending he hasn’t seen it so he can still act surprised for your benefit. If that’s the case, then allow him to love you that much to make you feel like you still have a surprise over him. It’s understandable to be disappointed but what will matter most to you- surprising him or giving him the actual gift in celebration of your anniversary? Focus on that to get you over that disappointment.
For future surprises set ground rules. My husband and I have a don’t look at phones or shared apps like Amazon during present events.
I mean….if he’s your partner and you live together….and presumably pay bills together….it seems odd to get so upset over something like this unless there’s an explicit rule in place for whatever reason that you must ask permission before using one of your devices …
I mean I’m not trying to come down on you but what if you bought an air fryer and brought it home and put it in your communal kitchen cupboard. You come back later and see your partner using the air fryer to make French fries…..would you be upset they didn’t ask your permission to use the air fryer?
Again, not coming at you, it sucks having a surprised ruined….ya it’s definitely giving ‘immature’
You’re a grown ass adult. Get over it. Why do people obsess over minutia? He will will likely still like your gift.
You get over it. It happened. He didn’t do anything wrong and if you even hint to him that he did YTA. If you get married he doesn’t need to ask to use things. Yeah it’s disappointing that it was a surprise but not everything in life goes as planned. He didn’t break your iPad or hit you with it. He opened it to use it. If you don’t want him to use it, leave it at home.
If he is a real man and loves unconditionally the. He will pretend it never was seen .. sorry this is a cute story I’m not sorry