(TW csa, domestic violence)
I grew up watching my mum be beaten by my dad. Then I was repeatedly raped and physically abused at the age of 8 by a man in his 50s who my mum trusted to look after me. Then at 12 and 16, I was raped again by two different men, the first in his 30s, the second in his 40s. They were in positions of power and authority over me – they didn’t know each other, they independently decided to attack me after first gaining my trust as mentor/ teacher figures.
I’m 30 now. I have never been able to date, despite being attracted to men. I’m very on edge around men. When I’m in a room alone with a man, even a man I know well, I subconsciously place myself between him and the door so I can make a run for it quickly. I’m guarded and on edge around male colleagues.
I know logically that not every man is a predator. But my lizard brain tells me I’m in danger when I’m around them, and my body reacts with muscle tension, hypervigilance. I know it’s technically prejudice and I feel guilty for subconsciously “labelling” an entire group of people this way, but my body and mind react in these ways anyway.
I’m in therapy for PTSD. But I wanted to ask if other women feel this way. It’s an exhausting and miserable way to live sometimes.
Comments
Almost all women are afraid of men, to varying degrees. But no, it should not be considered normal to be afraid of men, although it is entirely normal to feel how you do, especially given your experiences. There shouldn’t be a reason for us to fear men, but there is. I am sorry all of that happened to you, it does make life hard. Maybe some self-defense classes on top of your therapy would be useful? I sincerely hope that you find men that make you feel safe, they do exist
Oh I’m so sorry these terrible things happened to you. Fellow witness of domestic violence, but not SA survivor. It took me many many years to overcome my fear of my father specially and men more generally. In your circumstances, it is not unexpect. Your lizard brain is trying to keep you safe, but it’s hindering you as well. It is absolutely exhausting and you’re doing the right thing by being in therapy. All I can say is, keep going. You will get there. I 110% believe in you!!
Holy smokes, do not feel guilty about labeling a group or feeling prejudice against men. You are not beholden to anyone to prove anything. You are having a healthy human response to a perceived threat. Do not feel bad about crossing the street or placing yourself in an ok to flee position. Do assess risks and warning signs and work with your therapist on defining threat levels. Do not feel bad if you need to leave a room; develop a quick all-purpose excuse for exiting, “Oh, just remembered something I have to take care of!”
It’s good you’re in therapy and I’m so sorry about your past experiences. You might benefit from joining an all women group (hiking, book club, knitting, dinner, etc.) It would give you a space to be social and feel safe(r) so you can relax. Make sure the professionals in your life (like doctor, dentist) are women too. Take care.
No, I don’t think it’s normal to be afraid of men, I’m not afraid of men, but I certainly understand why you are! I think continuing therapy is your best bet because if you’re attracted to men, it makes sense that you might want to be in a relationship with one someday. I have had pretty much the opposite experiences with men and I never had an experience like you describe, so no, I can’t say that I’m afraid in general. On rare occasions in certain situations, I may be, dark alley at night type of thing. I hope that you can overcome your PTSD enough that you can find the happiness you want to find!
What awful, awful things to live through. There is no “normal” imo, just the sum of our experiences. In my opinion(47m), your feelings are entirely warranted, its basic survival instinct to fear what harms you.
Its very common.
It’s so common, in fact, that it happens across species, where we see the same sort of hypervigilant, reactive, and visceral response to men in the animals we keep as pets (dogs, cats, and parrots specifically). Where when they’ve been abused/exposed to the abuse of one human male, they never feel truly comfortable around men in general ever again.
You arent doing anything ‘wrong’ by having those reactions, those are biology’s natural reactions to the systemic level of violence and abuse we see in, and experience from, men as a whole. I understand your pain though. Obviously not your exact situation, which im so sorry to read about and hear how much pain you’ve been subjected to, its not right.
But I, and im sure almost all women do as well, have my own ‘flavors’ of trauma from men which has colored my life and I, personally, have no trust for them left. And because im bi, ive just accepted that and am not going to take the risk with a man ever again.
For the sake of your emotions and personal health, however, I know it doesnt make the pain go away. My only suggestion for that is making the time when youre on your own totally out of that perpetual eye as for you as possible visually and ‘spiritually’ (doesnt have to mean religion, but just the general feeling of your space being your own, where you feel partially relaxed by just being there.) So its like your sanctuary where your peace, nervous system, and inner humanity can recharge.
Considering what you went thru as a child growing up, it’s understandable why you are afraid of men. Before I was 18 years old, I was touched inappropriately by several classmates and older men. Sexual comments were made about me and to my face before I was 12 years old. I was sexually molested when I was 10 years old by an elderly neighbor. This man also exposed himself to me on at least 3 different occasions. All of these incidents were done to me by non-family members.
A couple of guys in middle school told me that someone was going to break into my home and SA me. I went home and told my mom that I was afraid which I was. I didn’t sleep that night. My mom who rarely got angry was furious. She went to the school and reported it to the principal. The guys told the principal it was a joke and that was the end of it. My mom made it clear by telling someone who was the town gossip that she would call the police if anyone tried to break into the house. If they came in, my older brother would be armed with a baseball bat and would use it on anyone who tried to attack me or anyone else in the house. My mom would also have a baseball bat on hand, so anyone who tried to harm me would think twice. My mom was a single parent and my dad wasn’t in the picture. No one ever joked to me about SA again.
Until I really got to know a guy that I dated well, I would think about what I was going to do if he touched me inappropriately. If I went into an apartment or home I looked around to see if there was any door or window that I could escape from if needed. At the time I didn’t really understand why I did this as none of the men that I dated ever tried to SA me. Even a guy that I knew or had dated for a while, I would still do this without realizing this.
I also remember feeling physically ill when I saw a picture in a magazine of a couple who had a huge age difference. The woman was about the same age as me (mid 20’s at the time) and the man was quite elderly. It made sick to even think of them having sex. I always dated men who were in my age group and no more than 10 years age difference. Someone older, I couldn’t stomach.
A guy that I had known for a long time and had recently dated could read me like a book. He knew what had happened to me when I was younger and told me because of what happened to me when I was younger, I was basically doing everything in my power to avoid being put in a situation where I couldn’t escape. In the situations that happened, I was usually in a space where I couldn’t easily escape or was cornered in a room where I was blocked from escaping. He noticed my hypervigilance. I didn’t realize I was doing this. This continued into my 30’s. I understand why I did this as when stuff happens to you over and over again, you tried to figure out how to escape if it happens again. Fight or flight response. My response would be flight before fight.
I’m 62 years old and it’s been a very long time since I’ve had this fear or hypervigilance of my surroundings.
If I hadn’t experienced what I experienced, I probably wouldn’t have been hypervigilant when I went into a home or apartment alone with a man. If there were others at the home or apartment, this feeling wouldn’t kick in.
This is part of what the “man or bear” question revealed. Most women are more afraid of men than they are of wild bears. I know what a bear can do to me but men have imagination.