I (36F) haven’t dated (or slept with) that many men, like less than five men. I generally strongly associate sex with feelings but my most recent relationship which ended last night has caused me to think that selectively sleeping with a few good looking guys might be a bit of fun that I’ve missed out on.
I had a ten year relationship that ended a few years ago and just had a relationship of a few months end last night. I really liked this guy for a number of substantial reasons, (he was good with kids, good with animals, from a big family ect) and could see myself staying with him long term but it didn’t work out for a very valid reason. There were several important reasons why it didn’t work out, and why I should have listened to my head more than my heart (and possibly libido), and I’m trying to understand if horror of horrors, it’s because he was a bit of a babe that I didn’t.
I have never gone for looks, but after this experience have started to wonder if I’m missing out.
So, other women that have gone from fairly limited sexual partners to trying casual sex, how did you find it? How did you navigate the apps with ‘casual’ sex? How did you weed out the creeps and make sure they were respectful?
Do these guys exist? Is it worth it?
Comments
Have fun.
It was fine? lol. No strong opinions on them. No regrets but I also feel like I could have skipped that stage and not missed out.
I do think it was good that I’d previously been more selective, because I was good at saying no if it wasn’t clicking. That probably saved me from some that I would have regretted. So my advice would just be not to go into it if you’re not confident enough to bail on bad vibes. Otherwise have fun and be safe. And it’s never too late to get the HPV vaccine.
It’s still all a bit of work, but as always, follow the golden rule: communicate. If communication feels weird or has hiccups, move on. There will be another one. If you can’t feel like you’re being heard, or like they can’t explain themselves, move on. There will be another one. If you’re not all the way comfortable, move on
And most importantly, have fun!
Have fun, don’t get wrapped up and be safe.
I am glad I had some casual sex. I kept tying sex to “I should date this person” when sometimes I just wanted to have sex and it shouldn’t have gone further with them. I had lust goggles on.
If you decide to go for casual stuff, I’d say still go on a couple of dates beforehand, and listen to your gut. I wanted to still at least like them as a person, and feel comfortable around them! I also would take a picture of their license and send it to a friend before going anywhere with them. A search of their name online is also always warranted. Always use protection, etc. etc.
After a while the novelty of casual stuff wore off and I was ready to really feel a romantic connection with someone again, but it was fun while it lasted.
It’s not for everyone though, and it’s ok if it’s not for you!
I’ve found that a combo of roster dating (non exclusive dating) with a 90-day trial period policy helps me keep my head on straight while I’m getting to know people.
I don’t get into formal/committed relationships with people I’ve been seeing less than 3 months, it just feels too soon to know if they’re compatible.
I’m non monogamous and always operate like this, but I think monogamous girlies should also consider it.
I tried to get into casual sex. I was usually very disappointed. Sex is important to me, so if I’m going to have it, needs to be great sex. It’s not worth my time and the risks to have medicore or disappointing sex.
I found that generally when men don’t have an emotional investment , they don’t put in the effort to give great sex. They almost never give oral, though they always expect it. I think men seeking casual sex are far more likely to lie to me, because their goal is getting laid not building respect & trust.
In short : for me, casual sex was a huge disappointment and waste of time due to men’s behavior and attitudes about casual sex
I think having casual sex was a worthwhile experience that I would repeat. It helped me work through a lot of my internalized ideas around sex/pleasure and helped me understand what I actually wanted or was feeling for people. I got to experience “post nut clarity” a few times and I would say that has been very beneficial to me as a now happily married woman; I know that attraction or chemistry to a stranger is human, but not something I care to pursue. There’s zero chance attractive male at the bar would emotionally compare to my husband or come close to being a better relationship fit. It helped me understand the difference between chemistry, actual connection (things in common/values/goals), and forcing a connection because I felt like I should try to date someone I slept with. Having casual sex also helped me work through the fact that I was using male attention to supplement my self-esteem (got a crush on a guy who was avoidant and then realized we had zero things in common and I couldn’t spend more than 30 minutes talking to him). I did have a few men try to coerce me into sexual activity which was also enlightening.
To sum it up, casual sex illuminated my issues with self-esteem, helped me be more aware of my wants and needs in sexual and emotional relationships, made me firm up my boundaries, and made my now marriage stronger.