I think with my mum I was about 6/7 when she pulled my sister by the hair and threw her out the front door in her night dress in winter. I was getting ready in bathroom for school.
My dad wasn’t long after (maybe 10/11) but he didn’t really spend that much time with me so I didn’t really know he was a dick. Then when he screamed at me In front of my friends for not putting the washing away, I did while he screamed at me. I mean you’re a failure, useless, take “no responsibility”.
So yeah pretty early on there were signs my parents were awful. There’s probably moments that occurred earlier but I thought I was “bad” so internalises it as my fault.
Jokes on them, I then became the teenager they deserved.
When I realized that my way of viewing myself and the world was not normal. I can now see my parents still have such a superficial interest in me or at least that’s all they show. I went through a very horrible divorce where my wife made false accusations and I was not able to see my kids for months. My parents live across the country and when I was having a very rough night about a week after not seeing my kids I texted my mom about how it was very hard. I got a text from my dad 10 minutes later that “it’s only been a week”
most of my life, then I grow up and realized they are broken and hurt people experiencing this world for the first time just like I am. Then I realized they did their best and I love them even more for it.
I don’t think I ever thought they were good. TBF my mom got pregnant at 15 and didn’t have parents herself growing up. By the time I was a young adult they’d both had another kid with their second partners and they were good at parenting my younger brothers though.
Until I met my 1st boyfriend’s parents (now my in-laws) who are caring, supportive, and funny. Even as teenagers, they treated us like adults and knew to give us space at the same time.
I’ve always opted to not judge my parents because no one is perfect, and I know, as a parent, I’ve had my own share of fuck ups. That being said, I truly realized just how bad my own mother was when she tried to spread a bunch of lies about me to other family and friends ultimately in an attempt to take my child. She literally had nothing to stand on that would give her even the glimpse of a chance of that legally happening, but she tried to isolate me and destroy any support in my life. So yea, she’s a piece of shit who failed miserably and she’s out of my life permanently.
When my stepmom grabbed my diary and started reading it out loud at the dinner table, and getting offended/insulted that she wasn’t portrayed as some kind of saint. And when my dad didn’t stop her.
When my therapist pointed out that I was raising myself and them when I was a child-teenager and not the other way around. They did all the physical work and paying for things but I never noticed I did all the emotional labor and anything that involved my future.
When I was about five and Mother got out of bed one Morning and my Daddy pulled back the covers back and said here hop in bed with me. This went on for years because I was too scared to tell anyone..
I was at a friends house, and they were in the kitchen getting a snack for us, and dropped the plate which shattered. I completely froze up, and was expecting some sort of explosion. Instead, his mom came in to check if he was alright, and if he needed any help cleaning up the mess. No blame, no incrimination, no punishment, no yelling. I was beyond confused. Later on, I asked him why she didn’t yell at or punish him? And he seemed honestly confused. “Why would she? It was just an accident.”
Realized it about my dad at 8 (39 now), blamed the shortcomings on my poor single mother who had to fill both roles when he left (i was 11 the second time he left). I didn’t realize how wrong I was until my mid to late 20’s.
My dad abandoned me and my sister with my very career-obsessed, highly strung, neglectful mother when I was 12 and was largely raised by au pairs and nannies.
Legitimately didn’t notice either of them were bad parents until I was like 20 😂. ‘Doesn’t everybody’s parents just collectively fuck off?’
I think I’ve always known. I never fully allowed myself to rely on them because of it. I never realized how lonely it was until getting older.
It’s a really cruel way to grow up.
When I saw how different the parents of my romantic partners were compared to mine. More involved, more willing to make personal sacrifices for their kids, and more able to provide real assistance when they were starting out. I realized that my parents were completely self-absorbed, and they lacked the kind of common sense necessary to make sound life decisions. That my parents just weren’t good at being parents was a really hard realization to have, and I’ve never fully gotten over it.
The real kicker? My dad used to get on me about being “lazy”. I came to find out that he never worked more than 30 hours a week for his entire adult life, which is why we were always so broke when I was a kid.
I never really thought about it, because I realized my parents were human and imperfect and did their best. Not perfect, not horrible, just regular people trying to keep it all together, sometimes succeeding, sometimes faltering. I’m good with it.
When I was 7 and my mom plus grandfather publicly humiliated me over some trivial kid situation. They found out about it, I was honest about it and then proceeded to tell EVERY family member like I had committed murder. It didn’t stop there, he kept it up till he died and she as well. Telling family “things I had done” that either I didn’t or they didn’t need to know. All throughout my life my mom would pretend I was the devil and lie or humiliate me in order to pretend it was me who was bad and not her piss poor parenting.
When I was 7 my dad told me I was allowed to get in as many fights as I liked as long as I won. If I lost, I’d catch a beating at home too. He didn’t follow through though. When I acted like a jerk one day and came home with a knot on my head, he just laughed at me.
I don’t get whether you mean bad in an everyday typical sense or abusive, or a little pathological.
It was a big reveal to me that my parents often acted out of their anxiety instead of my best interests. “Protecting” me or themselves from what “might” happen instead of weighing pros and cons of letting me make my mistakes and suffering for them(or losing face “the good family name” from things i did). But they weren’t particularly bad, certainly not traumatizing. Just sometimes ruled by emotions that weren’t always “good parenting 101”. Is that what you’re asking? Because that’s a world away from the other possibilities.
I had an idea about it when their favorite child, my older brother, was favored and catered to and it was blatantly obvious. I am 1 of 4 and we all knew it. I also had a pretty good idea when my dad, an officer for an insurance company, told me that my choices were to go to college or to practice, saying what I like fries with that, all while him, knowing I was always a terrible student, and yet him burdening me with tons of student loans anyway because I thought I didn’t have a choice. Now I look back and I know for a fact that my parents were a couple of narcissists and I’m not using narcissist in the word of the day type of way. I can see from my mother’s actions. She truly was a narcissist. As a kid, my younger brother, and I would watch my father tell my mother she could pick out any quartz or granite countertop that her heart desired. She would love the granite countertop for about a month before announcing to everybody that my father made her get that countertop and she didn’t have a choice. My brother and I would look at each other completely baffled. She did this with so many things. I can’t even count, furniture, houses, light fixtures, new hardwood flooring, you name it. One of her other big things was to holler at us for doing things wrong all the time. One day she would tell us that we had to fill the dishwasher one way, we’d have her show us how she wanted the dishwasher filled, the next day she’d be screaming about how we didn’t fill the dishwasher the right way and today she’d have found a completely different way to fill it. Again, this is the type of stuff she did all the time.
When I got a long term partner and they saw how my mother falls out with me quite regularly over things I’ve done. My partner thought that my mother was being unreasonable. I had just thought it was something I did. My partner saw the messages and reacted very differently which confused me.
I have amazing, loving, caring parents. Great folks! But a major flaw they both have is that they get offended that I don’t parent my kids the exact same way they did. They were both raised in less than ideal family conditions, and improved my life from theirs.
Not the first, but the first to hit hard. Sitting down to watch my son’s first t-ball practice and realizing I now had taken him to more practices and attended more games than my parents combined.
I kinda always suspected that they were not good – however as I aged, got married, and started a family of my own, it became unavoidable. With adult kids grown and gone, it is crystal clear that my parents were an unmitigated disaster. I’ve spent a majority of my adult life picking apart all of the defects that I picked up from my childhood.
When I was old enough to start having sleepovers, I noticed that my friends’ parents were actually home, made dinner, and didn’t leave them alone overnight.
In hindsight: that time when my stepfather shot himself in the hand with me in the room, and I wandered into the living room to my “asleep” mom, just for him to come in bleeding everywhere and her being rather brutally sobered up by her now holey husband.
When they put me on a plane to Mexico when I was 13. To be fair, it was when you could walk up to the gate without a ticket. But the layover in Dallas with no chaperone was dicey.
At the end of the day, I turned out alright. My parents were fine. That was just a poor lapse in judgement.
When my Dad retired and they moved to Florida. When every phone call had to keep moving away from anything and everything he could criticize, it became more clear there was just less and less to share. I really wish I could have had an empathetic, supportive and less judgmental Dad like most kids.
When I asked my friends if their parents beat them up too. I asked about my friends’ parents’ drinking habits. Drugs. Stuff like that. It dawned on me quite early that my parents were bad people but I couldn’t do much about it.
My dad passed when I was barely 7. My mom coped with alcohol.
I knew we were fucked the moment she reacted to me asking for dinner with a backhand, slamming me into the wall, and just stared at me before walking away.
Was getting asked for money the second I had any, like gifts on my birthdays usually ended up being loaned to my parents, and then they would charge living expenses until they didn’t have to pay me back. Which doesn’t sound bad until you realize I was like 10 lol.
Being a hardcore Republican and conspiracy theorist at like 12 wasn’t the best indicator to how I was raised. I legitimately felt like the world was 6 months out from total collapse till I was like 18z
When I had my own son. I understand parenting is hard. But the solution is certainly not raising your child in a cult and letting your affair partner second husband abuse said child in every way possible
As a young child. My parents were married but raised me in a completely different way. My mother was physically abusive, short tempered, and seemed perpetually annoyed with me. My dad was phenomenal and patient in a way I still can’t fathom now as an adult.
When I was young, I wanted to spend every second I possibly could with my dad because he was my favorite person. I did everything I could to not be around my mother at all. I was terrified of her. I realized something wasn’t right, even at that age.
When I realized that my father threw more tantrums than either me or my brother – elementary school children. And my mom would complain to me about my father, but I did not feel at liberty to go to her with the problems I had in my life.
When I grew up. My wife asked me once why it took me so long to have a child with someone. Most of people my age already have quite mature children. My reply was short and clear – i did everything in my power to be better than my father was. It took time and I succeeded. My kid have a father.
My dad would sleep, or just care about himself when mum was out running errands and I was responsible for the three year old and the baby. Changing diapers and keeping them entertained. Feeding us. He’d do NOTHING.
I was probably 12/13 when I realized mom wasnt great either. She didn’t fight for me against dad’s bullshit punishments. She didn’t try to protect me from him. I started working at 14 to pay mortgage and grocery bills, and have money for things I wanted – and he’d just ransack my room and steal my money even. I bought myself a PS2 and he took it to use as a DVD player. If i bought myself food and had leftovers he just ate it. Nothing was actually mine.
All conversations were just yelling at each other.
They called me “too sensitive” for worrying about things that seemed “minor” to them yet my mum would do the same thing which in turn made me develop a fear of telling my parents and other people that I was sad to the point I can’t even cry or tell them that I’m upset at all in front of them.
My mum physically and emotionally neglected me and then expected me to be a carer for her (I still care for her to this day but thankfully it’s more balanced now so we both clean, wash the pots and wash clothes and I actually have a life).
My other parent never talked about feelings either so I also grew up not being able to talk about certain things I was feeling.
Now I’m somewhat emotionally numb and probably dissociated from my emotions too and too scared to even talk about things due to all this.
In therapy as an adult it turns out like basically everything wrong with my psyche came from childhood and adolescent trauma. Some from parents, most from someone else. Tbh it’s still kinda hard to accept that what they did and what I was taught is wrong, still struggling to undo it too.
When they chose themselves and their happiness over me and my brother every single time, and I was old enough to understand what being mean, ungiving and selfish were. So around 10-12.
Don’t get me wrong, the necessities were there. We had food, hand me down clothes and structure but no love. No time. We were the feral bunch that roamed the woods until dark and got kicked out of the house after senior year with no understanding of money, no bank account, no anything. Just ‘ Get a haircut and get a real job’ kinda parents. I swore I would not do that to my child. And I didn’t.
At 2 1/2 years old. My sister was born and she was always in a play pen. Mom made us go to her country club and stuck er in a playpen while she played tennis and swam. She shouldn’t have kids.
When I met my best friend in high school and saw how her parents interact with her and her siblings. Being an adult now I continue to recognize how much of my innocence was robbed because of my parents and quite honestly I don’t care to have much of a relationship with them.
I think you only realize when you are a parent yourself. The more important thing is to be a good person and your kids will emulate that. You don’t get to choose your parents but you can choose to be the person you want to be.
When a friend invited me over for a birthday party and I saw how healthy their relationship was as a family. Thats when I knew mine was dysfunctional. And how I wished I was born into a diff family.
When I was about 12 and my dad refused to believe I hadn’t taken a twenty from the top of the fridge.
He eventually found it, but not a hint of apology or accountability from the man🙄
When they had children either each other despite being related to each other and then a few of their kids ended up in foster care bc they saw no issue in dishing heavy beatings and strangling their own kids and many more things.
Mom: was a bipolar alcoholic battling herself everyday to maintain normalcy. Only got sober once all the kids finished high school (me being the last)… Proud of her conquering alcohol addiction, but a part of me is still bitter over the fact that she only became a “real” mom once all her kids graduated high school… I don’t recognize or relate to this new version of mom TBH. Love her despite my rocky relationship with her (past comment history explains this).
Dad: never really learned how to channel his emotions organically in a healthy way because he grew up in a time where racism was the norm, it was not okay for men to complain about anything, and he was a Vietnam War vet who was clearly scarred by it despite never having any PTSD episodes in front of family.
My parents didn’t want to teach me things. I had to figure things out by myself. I was in high school. It was my brother who taught me to drive. He’s 2 yrs older.
Also, my parents were always talking down to me like I had no intelligence. My confidence suffered a lot around them. They would never admit their wrong.
When I was parenting my own teenage daughters,I realised how harsh and reactive my own mother had been with me.She really caused me alot of angst and I was a really good kid.
Being around functional parents, instead of dysfunctional ones
I remember my car not starting one night and my best friends dad decided to give me a ride back home from the market where my car was stranded in. All he said was “Get some rest. We’ll see what’s wrong with your car tomorrow. I’ll jump start it and if the battery is fine then it might be the alternator”
This guy tried jump starting my car, and it still didn’t turn on, then he said “well we might as well remove the alternator and just test it. If that’s not the problem then you’ll have to call the tow truck”
This guy helped take my whole alternator out, found out later that it was worn out, then helped me put the new one back in.
I just remember thinking to myself “holy shit my parents would have just told me to figure it out myself and then yell at me, and tell me to call the tow truck. I got more kindness and help from those two days from one single adult than I ever did from own two parents and family
When I realized I was more afraid of my parents’ reactions than of any actual consequences of my actions. Fear shouldn’t be the foundation of a family.
When my daughter was born. After a few months I would look at her & wonder how I could ever do things to her that my father has previously done to me. & while my mom didn’t do anything explicitly violent, I feel angst towards her sometimes for being complicit with it & staying with my father.
I had a pretty good idea when I was a teenager, but I was absolutely certain after I became a parent and realised how involved a parent should actually be.
It turns out my parents didn’t actually raise me. I did that myself.
“What? The doctor said your symptoms are due to stress? What are you even stressed about at your age? You shouldn’t be stressed at all, what are you even thinking about??”
I realized my father might not want the best for me when he heard me sing and saw my life’s work (my script) and told me to get a job where I’d never be able to support myself on my own and that didn’t adhere to any of my core strengths :/ We’re all just people but I don’t understand what makes people think they can control others sincerely in all areas like that, yknow?
Not my dad, but my mom. She had a lot of mental issues and was an INCREDIBLY devout Christian. Well she used to beat my ass until it bruised or bled. Telling me it was Gods way and her way of making me respect her.
Told my dad about it one day because I was unsure if other kids had to go through the same. Thing is…my dad was a cop. Lets just say things escalated from there and there were threats of mom going to jail etc.
I’m the oldest of 4 boys. I had a hunch around age 7 (based on my very basic knowledge of how my friend’s parents behaved)…but at age 10 when my parents divorced, I knew. It wasn’t the divorce itself. But their behavior revealed a lot about who they were as parents. Then she remarried an asshat.
– I got kicked out at 15 (called my mom a bitch behind her back)
– My younger brother got kicked out at 17 (pierced his ears)
– My youngest brother moved out at 17 before he graduated high school and transferred school districts (just had enough of their BS)
– Brother #2 survived unscathed somehow
I guess after 3/4 of their kids left home before 18…they came to that conclusion themselves. But now, she doesn’t understand why I’m “Letting Trump divide us….” 😑
About 5 years ago when I was telling a funny story to coworkers and they looked at me with absolute HORROR and asked if I was okay and I was like yeah, why, it’s funny and they’re like no, babe, that’s abuse.
When I met my partner’s family, I realized that regular families told each other they loved each other, and hugged each other without grimacing and acting like it was an inconvenience. I realized that other families were nice to each other and didn’t scream and yell at each other, they didn’t belittle and bully each other.
Until my mom cut me out of her life I always tried to remind myself that she did the best she could have. Afterwards I revisited my childhood and decided she just shouldn’t have had children to begin with.
Oh man, where to start…maybe it was the multiple times they took me to get tested for Autism because they didn’t like how I pointed out when they were acting shitty (long story, but turns out I have problems alright. Autism isn’t one of them though). Or maybe the time my dad threw a temper tantrum in public because I didn’t get my mom what he perceived to be ‘good’ flowers for Easter and Mother’s Day. My mom telling me to marry a man who treats me like a person, only to turn around and start acting like I committed a crime against humanity for doing just that simply because my husband wasn’t Finnish (yeah, good luck with that in my immediate area at the time) like she wanted, was also some wtf shit. The multiple racial slurs being used behind closed doors (and occasionally publicly) while simultaneously telling me to treat people with respect really sent some mixed messages.
I guess in a way they sorta failed the parenting task successfully, because at the very least they showed me more than enough examples on what not to do. But I doubt that was intentional on their part.
When I was a child, after my mom died my dad would put women before his kids. Leave us for days on end to go see women, wouldn’t buy us food or anything had to rely on other family members to take care of us.
My mom always used to defend all the crazy stuff she did by saying “you can ask anyone in the world and they’ll tell you exactly what I’m telling you!”
Eventually I did start asking other people, and found that they were all horrified by her behavior.
You don’t have perspective on your own household growing up, because it’s all you know. It’s not until you can see it from the outside that you understand what it really is.
When I became a parent I realised how young my parents were when they had 4 kids and the mediocrity of the parenting made sense after becoming a parent myself…
We are a big family. We’re 7 siblings and I’m the 6th child. 5th child was a boy, then 6th me, a girl, then our youngest is girl but boyish.
When I was young, my dad went somewhere and bought toys for boys and gave it to the 5th (boy) & youngest child (girl but boyish) leaving me behind. I can see them happily played.
Just favoritism at its finest. The results? I always wish I’m a boy and jealousy is all over me not just in the family but also with other relationships. But I’m still trying my best.
Could have been worse but my actual parents divorced when I was young. High school my mom and step mom got into what to me and even my dad was petty BS like I had to wear older cloths to others house, etc. My mom even into my teens was very much like I could not even go in the yard while she was not home, was not even a bad area or anything. I did drivers training one point I could not move ahead yet did fine on everything even better than some other kids. My dad had words with someone at the place and apparently my mom had asked them not to let me pass it. I turned 18 I went to stay with my dad tired of being treated like an 8 year old. My mom moved away we talked online sometimes but not seeing her for 12 years, and didn’t even come to see my graduation with my BS degree after saying was going to. I think she’s been trying to make amends the last few years but it still feels awkward.
Was at work a few years ago when I was thinking “My dad taught me lots of things. He taught me…” then I realized he literally taught me nothing. He didn’t even teach me how to wash myself. I found that out from a porn video I watched when I was 9. I’ve been mad ever since
I realized my parents were bad at parenting when they forced me into competitive sports as a kid, even though I hated it and begged to quit. They said it was for discipline and to make me tougher, but it just made me resent them and feel like a failure when I didn’t win. I get that some people think pushing kids builds character, but I think it did more harm than good.
When my mother looked at me with disdain (she was 4 years old) because I was showing off my black nails and a girl next to me had made a face, and I said that the girl was envious (she gave me a 2-hour rant calling my grandmother incompetent because she didn’t know how to raise me right)
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When my dad threatened to kick me out when I locked the bathroom door
I had wonderful parents
That I keep thinking I’m bad and not good enough and stupid…
No idea I’ve known as long as I can remember, they weren’t exactly trying to hide it.
The duct tape and leash
I think with my mum I was about 6/7 when she pulled my sister by the hair and threw her out the front door in her night dress in winter. I was getting ready in bathroom for school.
My dad wasn’t long after (maybe 10/11) but he didn’t really spend that much time with me so I didn’t really know he was a dick. Then when he screamed at me In front of my friends for not putting the washing away, I did while he screamed at me. I mean you’re a failure, useless, take “no responsibility”.
So yeah pretty early on there were signs my parents were awful. There’s probably moments that occurred earlier but I thought I was “bad” so internalises it as my fault.
Jokes on them, I then became the teenager they deserved.
Not protect me
Therapy as an adult
My parents aren’t perfect but I wouldn’t say they’re bad at parenting all the time…
When I realized that my way of viewing myself and the world was not normal. I can now see my parents still have such a superficial interest in me or at least that’s all they show. I went through a very horrible divorce where my wife made false accusations and I was not able to see my kids for months. My parents live across the country and when I was having a very rough night about a week after not seeing my kids I texted my mom about how it was very hard. I got a text from my dad 10 minutes later that “it’s only been a week”
It’s more that I realised that parenting is hard and we’re all imperfect people
most of my life, then I grow up and realized they are broken and hurt people experiencing this world for the first time just like I am. Then I realized they did their best and I love them even more for it.
When they literally ran away leaving behind a 7year old girl alone with some man they trust blindly…
When I was old enough to realize my sister was treated better than me.
When I got sexually abused and they didn’t do anything
I don’t hate them but maybe they didn’t know what to do
I don’t think I ever thought they were good. TBF my mom got pregnant at 15 and didn’t have parents herself growing up. By the time I was a young adult they’d both had another kid with their second partners and they were good at parenting my younger brothers though.
Dad put money above family.
Until I met my 1st boyfriend’s parents (now my in-laws) who are caring, supportive, and funny. Even as teenagers, they treated us like adults and knew to give us space at the same time.
I’ve always opted to not judge my parents because no one is perfect, and I know, as a parent, I’ve had my own share of fuck ups. That being said, I truly realized just how bad my own mother was when she tried to spread a bunch of lies about me to other family and friends ultimately in an attempt to take my child. She literally had nothing to stand on that would give her even the glimpse of a chance of that legally happening, but she tried to isolate me and destroy any support in my life. So yea, she’s a piece of shit who failed miserably and she’s out of my life permanently.
Maybe when my dad left us fifty years ago and never supported us.
He did try to make contact about twenty years ago but I told him to do one.
My siblings lol . . . (sigh)
When my stepmom grabbed my diary and started reading it out loud at the dinner table, and getting offended/insulted that she wasn’t portrayed as some kind of saint. And when my dad didn’t stop her.
when they began to reflect their own life experiences onto my life.
When my therapist pointed out that I was raising myself and them when I was a child-teenager and not the other way around. They did all the physical work and paying for things but I never noticed I did all the emotional labor and anything that involved my future.
When I was about five and Mother got out of bed one Morning and my Daddy pulled back the covers back and said here hop in bed with me. This went on for years because I was too scared to tell anyone..
when they always trying to accuse infront of others
I was at a friends house, and they were in the kitchen getting a snack for us, and dropped the plate which shattered. I completely froze up, and was expecting some sort of explosion. Instead, his mom came in to check if he was alright, and if he needed any help cleaning up the mess. No blame, no incrimination, no punishment, no yelling. I was beyond confused. Later on, I asked him why she didn’t yell at or punish him? And he seemed honestly confused. “Why would she? It was just an accident.”
Realized it about my dad at 8 (39 now), blamed the shortcomings on my poor single mother who had to fill both roles when he left (i was 11 the second time he left). I didn’t realize how wrong I was until my mid to late 20’s.
My dad abandoned me and my sister with my very career-obsessed, highly strung, neglectful mother when I was 12 and was largely raised by au pairs and nannies.
Legitimately didn’t notice either of them were bad parents until I was like 20 😂. ‘Doesn’t everybody’s parents just collectively fuck off?’
I think I’ve always known. I never fully allowed myself to rely on them because of it. I never realized how lonely it was until getting older.
It’s a really cruel way to grow up.
My low self esteem and depression from a young age is really telling 🤣
when i was 3 and my older sister moved away with my aunt and uncle
When my Dad gave me a black eye.
When I was little and my mom screamed for me to come help her because she thought my dad was going to beat her up. No place for a little person.
When I got deputized to take care of my younger sisters when I was nine.
When I saw how different the parents of my romantic partners were compared to mine. More involved, more willing to make personal sacrifices for their kids, and more able to provide real assistance when they were starting out. I realized that my parents were completely self-absorbed, and they lacked the kind of common sense necessary to make sound life decisions. That my parents just weren’t good at being parents was a really hard realization to have, and I’ve never fully gotten over it.
The real kicker? My dad used to get on me about being “lazy”. I came to find out that he never worked more than 30 hours a week for his entire adult life, which is why we were always so broke when I was a kid.
I never really thought about it, because I realized my parents were human and imperfect and did their best. Not perfect, not horrible, just regular people trying to keep it all together, sometimes succeeding, sometimes faltering. I’m good with it.
My parents would watch movies with s** scenes in front of us.
Have you seen how I turned out! 🤣
I never stuck with sports because my dad was trying to live vicariously through me. Signed me up for baseball and I couldnt play anything else.
When I was 7 and my mom plus grandfather publicly humiliated me over some trivial kid situation. They found out about it, I was honest about it and then proceeded to tell EVERY family member like I had committed murder. It didn’t stop there, he kept it up till he died and she as well. Telling family “things I had done” that either I didn’t or they didn’t need to know. All throughout my life my mom would pretend I was the devil and lie or humiliate me in order to pretend it was me who was bad and not her piss poor parenting.
There’s more but that sticks out to me.
When I was 7 my dad told me I was allowed to get in as many fights as I liked as long as I won. If I lost, I’d catch a beating at home too. He didn’t follow through though. When I acted like a jerk one day and came home with a knot on my head, he just laughed at me.
Not really sure but one day something happened and I realized she was the role model for how not to be.
I don’t get whether you mean bad in an everyday typical sense or abusive, or a little pathological.
It was a big reveal to me that my parents often acted out of their anxiety instead of my best interests. “Protecting” me or themselves from what “might” happen instead of weighing pros and cons of letting me make my mistakes and suffering for them(or losing face “the good family name” from things i did). But they weren’t particularly bad, certainly not traumatizing. Just sometimes ruled by emotions that weren’t always “good parenting 101”. Is that what you’re asking? Because that’s a world away from the other possibilities.
My parents were never (IMO) “bad” at parenting. However, being there age now, has made understanding some of their decisions back then a bit easier.
Therapy was especially eye-opening
When went to friends house & saw how their parents were. I always wanted to live at my friends house with their family
I had an idea about it when their favorite child, my older brother, was favored and catered to and it was blatantly obvious. I am 1 of 4 and we all knew it. I also had a pretty good idea when my dad, an officer for an insurance company, told me that my choices were to go to college or to practice, saying what I like fries with that, all while him, knowing I was always a terrible student, and yet him burdening me with tons of student loans anyway because I thought I didn’t have a choice. Now I look back and I know for a fact that my parents were a couple of narcissists and I’m not using narcissist in the word of the day type of way. I can see from my mother’s actions. She truly was a narcissist. As a kid, my younger brother, and I would watch my father tell my mother she could pick out any quartz or granite countertop that her heart desired. She would love the granite countertop for about a month before announcing to everybody that my father made her get that countertop and she didn’t have a choice. My brother and I would look at each other completely baffled. She did this with so many things. I can’t even count, furniture, houses, light fixtures, new hardwood flooring, you name it. One of her other big things was to holler at us for doing things wrong all the time. One day she would tell us that we had to fill the dishwasher one way, we’d have her show us how she wanted the dishwasher filled, the next day she’d be screaming about how we didn’t fill the dishwasher the right way and today she’d have found a completely different way to fill it. Again, this is the type of stuff she did all the time.
When my mum and my half sister used to mimick me when I used to cry and they’d laugh together in my face… I was maybe 5 or 6.
When I met my partners parents and went “you can have a conversation with them? how ?”
I told my mom I was thinking about killing myself and she got annoyed at me.
Actually made me lose interest in suicide. Like, what’s the point if no one cares?
When my dad hit me so hard I flew across the driveway
When I got a long term partner and they saw how my mother falls out with me quite regularly over things I’ve done. My partner thought that my mother was being unreasonable. I had just thought it was something I did. My partner saw the messages and reacted very differently which confused me.
I have amazing, loving, caring parents. Great folks! But a major flaw they both have is that they get offended that I don’t parent my kids the exact same way they did. They were both raised in less than ideal family conditions, and improved my life from theirs.
I’m just doing the same thing…
Wayy too late. I thought I was the problem. Not so fun fact: the kid is never the problem(except very extreme cases MAYBE)
When you grow up unable to have a healthy relationship with people, looking for happiness in others or looking for that “missing piece of the puzzle”
Not the first, but the first to hit hard. Sitting down to watch my son’s first t-ball practice and realizing I now had taken him to more practices and attended more games than my parents combined.
I kinda always suspected that they were not good – however as I aged, got married, and started a family of my own, it became unavoidable. With adult kids grown and gone, it is crystal clear that my parents were an unmitigated disaster. I’ve spent a majority of my adult life picking apart all of the defects that I picked up from my childhood.
When I was old enough to start having sleepovers, I noticed that my friends’ parents were actually home, made dinner, and didn’t leave them alone overnight.
In hindsight: that time when my stepfather shot himself in the hand with me in the room, and I wandered into the living room to my “asleep” mom, just for him to come in bleeding everywhere and her being rather brutally sobered up by her now holey husband.
I learned it when I was 5 years old.
When they put me on a plane to Mexico when I was 13. To be fair, it was when you could walk up to the gate without a ticket. But the layover in Dallas with no chaperone was dicey.
At the end of the day, I turned out alright. My parents were fine. That was just a poor lapse in judgement.
When my Dad retired and they moved to Florida. When every phone call had to keep moving away from anything and everything he could criticize, it became more clear there was just less and less to share. I really wish I could have had an empathetic, supportive and less judgmental Dad like most kids.
When I asked my friends if their parents beat them up too. I asked about my friends’ parents’ drinking habits. Drugs. Stuff like that. It dawned on me quite early that my parents were bad people but I couldn’t do much about it.
I realized it fairly young when I was taking care of both my little brothers.
My dad passed when I was barely 7. My mom coped with alcohol.
I knew we were fucked the moment she reacted to me asking for dinner with a backhand, slamming me into the wall, and just stared at me before walking away.
There was 2 things,
Was getting asked for money the second I had any, like gifts on my birthdays usually ended up being loaned to my parents, and then they would charge living expenses until they didn’t have to pay me back. Which doesn’t sound bad until you realize I was like 10 lol.
Being a hardcore Republican and conspiracy theorist at like 12 wasn’t the best indicator to how I was raised. I legitimately felt like the world was 6 months out from total collapse till I was like 18z
When she prostituted me at 15.
Always bragging that I owe them a lot and they chose to leave us to find their new relationship.
When I first went into therapy in college, it was to understand: Why am I so unhappy, and why is it because I’m a bad stupid failure person?
Therapist asked where I got such ideas and it went from there.
They didn’t say that they would talk to my sisters whenever they would cuss me out like they said they would.
When I had my own son. I understand parenting is hard. But the solution is certainly not raising your child in a cult and letting your affair partner second husband abuse said child in every way possible
As a young child. My parents were married but raised me in a completely different way. My mother was physically abusive, short tempered, and seemed perpetually annoyed with me. My dad was phenomenal and patient in a way I still can’t fathom now as an adult.
When I was young, I wanted to spend every second I possibly could with my dad because he was my favorite person. I did everything I could to not be around my mother at all. I was terrified of her. I realized something wasn’t right, even at that age.
My parents weren’t as bad as some. They tried, and ultimately did better, than THEIR parents did.
When I realized that my father threw more tantrums than either me or my brother – elementary school children. And my mom would complain to me about my father, but I did not feel at liberty to go to her with the problems I had in my life.
When you tried to understand them but you can’t forgive because of the traumas, their irresponsibility and lack of support/guidance.
This year
When she has to always resort to because I’m the mother as an excuse to not have a conversation.
When they were having physical fights with one another and my sister had to call the police. This was a hint.
I figured it out when I was like 5 and I watched my dad push my sister’s head through drywall, which sucks when you’re like 11.
When I had a kid of my own 😏
Always…
When my dad abandoned the family to bang his secretary and rarely paid child support
When I grew up. My wife asked me once why it took me so long to have a child with someone. Most of people my age already have quite mature children. My reply was short and clear – i did everything in my power to be better than my father was. It took time and I succeeded. My kid have a father.
The moment my child was born.
I just loved him so unconditionally… it was indescribable. But I realized that’s what was missing.
God, I don’t even remember.
I realized my dad was shit very young. 7/8.
My dad would sleep, or just care about himself when mum was out running errands and I was responsible for the three year old and the baby. Changing diapers and keeping them entertained. Feeding us. He’d do NOTHING.
I was probably 12/13 when I realized mom wasnt great either. She didn’t fight for me against dad’s bullshit punishments. She didn’t try to protect me from him. I started working at 14 to pay mortgage and grocery bills, and have money for things I wanted – and he’d just ransack my room and steal my money even. I bought myself a PS2 and he took it to use as a DVD player. If i bought myself food and had leftovers he just ate it. Nothing was actually mine.
All conversations were just yelling at each other.
The first time my dad hugged me was when he dropped me off at university in another country
When I would go to friends houses and see how their parents were. So like middle school.
They called me “too sensitive” for worrying about things that seemed “minor” to them yet my mum would do the same thing which in turn made me develop a fear of telling my parents and other people that I was sad to the point I can’t even cry or tell them that I’m upset at all in front of them.
My mum physically and emotionally neglected me and then expected me to be a carer for her (I still care for her to this day but thankfully it’s more balanced now so we both clean, wash the pots and wash clothes and I actually have a life).
My other parent never talked about feelings either so I also grew up not being able to talk about certain things I was feeling.
Now I’m somewhat emotionally numb and probably dissociated from my emotions too and too scared to even talk about things due to all this.
In therapy as an adult it turns out like basically everything wrong with my psyche came from childhood and adolescent trauma. Some from parents, most from someone else. Tbh it’s still kinda hard to accept that what they did and what I was taught is wrong, still struggling to undo it too.
Not my parents but my grandparents. My grandma drove across the country with my mother in a drawer from a dresser.
When they chose themselves and their happiness over me and my brother every single time, and I was old enough to understand what being mean, ungiving and selfish were. So around 10-12.
Don’t get me wrong, the necessities were there. We had food, hand me down clothes and structure but no love. No time. We were the feral bunch that roamed the woods until dark and got kicked out of the house after senior year with no understanding of money, no bank account, no anything. Just ‘ Get a haircut and get a real job’ kinda parents. I swore I would not do that to my child. And I didn’t.
At 2 1/2 years old. My sister was born and she was always in a play pen. Mom made us go to her country club and stuck er in a playpen while she played tennis and swam. She shouldn’t have kids.
When I met my best friend in high school and saw how her parents interact with her and her siblings. Being an adult now I continue to recognize how much of my innocence was robbed because of my parents and quite honestly I don’t care to have much of a relationship with them.
I think you only realize when you are a parent yourself. The more important thing is to be a good person and your kids will emulate that. You don’t get to choose your parents but you can choose to be the person you want to be.
When I learned what a slumlord I looked at them through that lens.
When a friend invited me over for a birthday party and I saw how healthy their relationship was as a family. Thats when I knew mine was dysfunctional. And how I wished I was born into a diff family.
When I was about 12 and my dad refused to believe I hadn’t taken a twenty from the top of the fridge.
He eventually found it, but not a hint of apology or accountability from the man🙄
When they had children either each other despite being related to each other and then a few of their kids ended up in foster care bc they saw no issue in dishing heavy beatings and strangling their own kids and many more things.
Mom: was a bipolar alcoholic battling herself everyday to maintain normalcy. Only got sober once all the kids finished high school (me being the last)… Proud of her conquering alcohol addiction, but a part of me is still bitter over the fact that she only became a “real” mom once all her kids graduated high school… I don’t recognize or relate to this new version of mom TBH. Love her despite my rocky relationship with her (past comment history explains this).
Dad: never really learned how to channel his emotions organically in a healthy way because he grew up in a time where racism was the norm, it was not okay for men to complain about anything, and he was a Vietnam War vet who was clearly scarred by it despite never having any PTSD episodes in front of family.
That not only do I keep thinking that I’m stupid, but something was wrong with me when I had both adhd and autism
My parents didn’t want to teach me things. I had to figure things out by myself. I was in high school. It was my brother who taught me to drive. He’s 2 yrs older.
Also, my parents were always talking down to me like I had no intelligence. My confidence suffered a lot around them. They would never admit their wrong.
When I was parenting my own teenage daughters,I realised how harsh and reactive my own mother had been with me.She really caused me alot of angst and I was a really good kid.
They didn’t care about my struggles, like, at all.
Being around functional parents, instead of dysfunctional ones
I remember my car not starting one night and my best friends dad decided to give me a ride back home from the market where my car was stranded in. All he said was “Get some rest. We’ll see what’s wrong with your car tomorrow. I’ll jump start it and if the battery is fine then it might be the alternator”
This guy tried jump starting my car, and it still didn’t turn on, then he said “well we might as well remove the alternator and just test it. If that’s not the problem then you’ll have to call the tow truck”
This guy helped take my whole alternator out, found out later that it was worn out, then helped me put the new one back in.
I just remember thinking to myself “holy shit my parents would have just told me to figure it out myself and then yell at me, and tell me to call the tow truck. I got more kindness and help from those two days from one single adult than I ever did from own two parents and family
When I realized I was more afraid of my parents’ reactions than of any actual consequences of my actions. Fear shouldn’t be the foundation of a family.
When my daughter was born. After a few months I would look at her & wonder how I could ever do things to her that my father has previously done to me. & while my mom didn’t do anything explicitly violent, I feel angst towards her sometimes for being complicit with it & staying with my father.
When I became a parent and wanted more and better for my kids emotionally and realized what I missed as a child.
Way too late unfortunately, still figuring out their bullshit and they’re dead now.
When I moved out and saw how much healing I needed just to live a normal life. You don’t notice the cage when you grow up inside it.
I had a pretty good idea when I was a teenager, but I was absolutely certain after I became a parent and realised how involved a parent should actually be.
It turns out my parents didn’t actually raise me. I did that myself.
“What? The doctor said your symptoms are due to stress? What are you even stressed about at your age? You shouldn’t be stressed at all, what are you even thinking about??”
I realized my father might not want the best for me when he heard me sing and saw my life’s work (my script) and told me to get a job where I’d never be able to support myself on my own and that didn’t adhere to any of my core strengths :/ We’re all just people but I don’t understand what makes people think they can control others sincerely in all areas like that, yknow?
My mother leaving when I was 8 was a red flag.
Not my dad, but my mom. She had a lot of mental issues and was an INCREDIBLY devout Christian. Well she used to beat my ass until it bruised or bled. Telling me it was Gods way and her way of making me respect her.
Told my dad about it one day because I was unsure if other kids had to go through the same. Thing is…my dad was a cop. Lets just say things escalated from there and there were threats of mom going to jail etc.
I’m the oldest of 4 boys. I had a hunch around age 7 (based on my very basic knowledge of how my friend’s parents behaved)…but at age 10 when my parents divorced, I knew. It wasn’t the divorce itself. But their behavior revealed a lot about who they were as parents. Then she remarried an asshat.
– I got kicked out at 15 (called my mom a bitch behind her back)
– My younger brother got kicked out at 17 (pierced his ears)
– My youngest brother moved out at 17 before he graduated high school and transferred school districts (just had enough of their BS)
– Brother #2 survived unscathed somehow
I guess after 3/4 of their kids left home before 18…they came to that conclusion themselves. But now, she doesn’t understand why I’m “Letting Trump divide us….” 😑
My dad accidentally quote the “I am the adult, you are the child, I am always right, you are always wrong” speech from Matilda at me.
I had seen the movie, he had not.
When I realized how it was messed up that my friends treated me better than my own parents.
About 5 years ago when I was telling a funny story to coworkers and they looked at me with absolute HORROR and asked if I was okay and I was like yeah, why, it’s funny and they’re like no, babe, that’s abuse.
When I met my partner’s family, I realized that regular families told each other they loved each other, and hugged each other without grimacing and acting like it was an inconvenience. I realized that other families were nice to each other and didn’t scream and yell at each other, they didn’t belittle and bully each other.
Until my mom cut me out of her life I always tried to remind myself that she did the best she could have. Afterwards I revisited my childhood and decided she just shouldn’t have had children to begin with.
I did when I met and dated people who didn’t come from dysfunctional families. I thought everyone’s family was like mine.
Getting hit with a belt for doing anything bad
Oh man, where to start…maybe it was the multiple times they took me to get tested for Autism because they didn’t like how I pointed out when they were acting shitty (long story, but turns out I have problems alright. Autism isn’t one of them though). Or maybe the time my dad threw a temper tantrum in public because I didn’t get my mom what he perceived to be ‘good’ flowers for Easter and Mother’s Day. My mom telling me to marry a man who treats me like a person, only to turn around and start acting like I committed a crime against humanity for doing just that simply because my husband wasn’t Finnish (yeah, good luck with that in my immediate area at the time) like she wanted, was also some wtf shit. The multiple racial slurs being used behind closed doors (and occasionally publicly) while simultaneously telling me to treat people with respect really sent some mixed messages.
I guess in a way they sorta failed the parenting task successfully, because at the very least they showed me more than enough examples on what not to do. But I doubt that was intentional on their part.
When I was a child, after my mom died my dad would put women before his kids. Leave us for days on end to go see women, wouldn’t buy us food or anything had to rely on other family members to take care of us.
When I did the exact same things as them while realizing how stupid I was
My mom always used to defend all the crazy stuff she did by saying “you can ask anyone in the world and they’ll tell you exactly what I’m telling you!”
Eventually I did start asking other people, and found that they were all horrified by her behavior.
You don’t have perspective on your own household growing up, because it’s all you know. It’s not until you can see it from the outside that you understand what it really is.
when i found out other people arent scared they’ll die if they say one wrong thing to your brother.
It hit me disgustingly hard at 30. I had no guidance. I regret so many foolish decisions.
when i started noticing how their actions affected me negatively and saw how others handled situations better. it became clear over time.
When I became a parent I realised how young my parents were when they had 4 kids and the mediocrity of the parenting made sense after becoming a parent myself…
We are a big family. We’re 7 siblings and I’m the 6th child. 5th child was a boy, then 6th me, a girl, then our youngest is girl but boyish.
When I was young, my dad went somewhere and bought toys for boys and gave it to the 5th (boy) & youngest child (girl but boyish) leaving me behind. I can see them happily played.
Just favoritism at its finest. The results? I always wish I’m a boy and jealousy is all over me not just in the family but also with other relationships. But I’m still trying my best.
when i started seeing the emotional toll their decisions took on me and others around me.
When I realized I apologize for existing even when I haven’t done anything wrong…
When the lied about buying me stuff when I get good score
Could have been worse but my actual parents divorced when I was young. High school my mom and step mom got into what to me and even my dad was petty BS like I had to wear older cloths to others house, etc. My mom even into my teens was very much like I could not even go in the yard while she was not home, was not even a bad area or anything. I did drivers training one point I could not move ahead yet did fine on everything even better than some other kids. My dad had words with someone at the place and apparently my mom had asked them not to let me pass it. I turned 18 I went to stay with my dad tired of being treated like an 8 year old. My mom moved away we talked online sometimes but not seeing her for 12 years, and didn’t even come to see my graduation with my BS degree after saying was going to. I think she’s been trying to make amends the last few years but it still feels awkward.
when i started seeing how their actions shaped my insecurities and realized it wasn’t normal.
My mom is a great moment. My dad is a narcissist who likes to put people down
Was at work a few years ago when I was thinking “My dad taught me lots of things. He taught me…” then I realized he literally taught me nothing. He didn’t even teach me how to wash myself. I found that out from a porn video I watched when I was 9. I’ve been mad ever since
Well, my mom basically wanted me to explain to her why I was born. And my bio dad was an absent junkie. So. Day one.
When i started unlearning things they taught me and realized love should not feel like fear or guilt
I realized my parents were bad at parenting when they forced me into competitive sports as a kid, even though I hated it and begged to quit. They said it was for discipline and to make me tougher, but it just made me resent them and feel like a failure when I didn’t win. I get that some people think pushing kids builds character, but I think it did more harm than good.
When my mom said she was going to go down to the bridge and jump off because she’d be “better off than here.” I was less than 10 when she’d say this.
When my mother looked at me with disdain (she was 4 years old) because I was showing off my black nails and a girl next to me had made a face, and I said that the girl was envious (she gave me a 2-hour rant calling my grandmother incompetent because she didn’t know how to raise me right)