Mines is: I’m not interested but we can instead do xyz.
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‘Xyz’ is always a public place. I’m single and my intent is to find a life partner. Because I know what my intentions are, I don’t feel intrigued by men inviting me over. I don’t care if they want to cook for me, watch a movie, play board games. We can do those things by dating in public. If I’m coming over, it’s because my intentions is to seduce you. I’m on this path of being intentional with dating and I refuse to put myself in a room or in close proximity to a bed. If a man doesn’t understand, I’m actually happy with that. It makes room for the partner that’s right for me. I enjoy being courted properly and with effort.
**Thank you for sharing your experience everyone. Shocked by the conversations this has generated- and I hope this brings awareness to dating safely and with intent
Comments
Same.
If we haven’t been dating for months, then it’s an immediate no. I’ll also ask to meet somewhere publicly. It’s so dangerous and a setup for pressuring fake intimacy for sex imo.
I feel like, and maybe it’s just me, but a man with the same intentions wouldn’t even suggest that. My response is “No thank you”
If it’s for a first date, I’ll immediate just unmatch them. Not even worth trying to get them out in public because they’ve already revealed their intentions…
They know what they are doing. In the current climate it’s the more innocent ones who will accept that and the rest of the bs he can get away with.
Maybe I’m overly harsh but a man suggesting a first date at his place was always an instant unmatch for me. My profile said I was looking for a serious LTR, not a hookup.
Would feel fishy because I don’t date men.
As long as it’s not the first date and I like him, it was always fine for me. I invited my husband to my place for our second „date“ but we had sex the night we met, so why not?
I think your response is great. I would add that one of the options should be a free thing, like meeting at the park or going for a hike (on a popular trail, don’t go into the woods with a dude you just met). My city has free shit happening all the time like outdoor movies or farmer’s markets. That way there’s no misconception that you just want him to pay for a meal.
I go to a man’s house to play board games at least once a week so I wouldn’t think it’s weird
But I don’t date men so different context
Depends if you have just met or been out a few times. More often than not its to get jiggy with it. 😉
If it’s someone I like (and don’t perceive as risk – in which case I wouldn’t meet them at all), of course I enjoy spending time with them at my or their place.
Not in a bedroom manner.
But watching a horror movie, having a TTRPG session with other friends or cooking fancy dinner sounds like a fun time. A lot more fun than being out in public!
I really hate public places for most stuff. First dates, alright (safety comes first, never had a first date that wasn’t public), but besides that, I’m more of a cave dweller.
So why having a miserable time at a restaurant or in the city, if we could be somewhere I enjoy being?
It’s an immediate no from me, same goes with, just asking to meet but with no plans and see where it goes. We both know where you want this to go. Lazy
I’m never meeting a man over his place for a first date. Man in their 30s or 40s should know better before even thinking about asking me over to their place for a first date. I am only going to a man’s place never before 6 or 7 dates or at least after a month of going out, whichever comes later
my first date with my partner was at his place. I stayed the night. it’s been over a year and a half. depending on the vibe I get from who it is, I have no issue going to a guy’s house
I understand intentional dating, but I don’t get how going to someone’s home means you’re going to sleep with them. You have autonomy. You can communicate. You decide where your line is regarding your body.
If you’re referring to the “getting to know you” period, that’s reasonable. Otherwise, communicating that you’re not ready for sex regardless of the location is the best bet.
Obviously you choose what you’re willing to do and/or comfortable with, but this hard view makes you seem like you can’t control yourself if pillows and sheets are around. If I was a dude, and this came out of some girl I was interested in, I’d think she gets buck wild in private and can’t trust herself to behave like a big girl.
You mean on a first date? That the man either has no sense of self preservation, or thinks I don’t. Neither is a good thing.
He sent me a text that said, “I want to cuddle you my couch and watch movies” I was totally looking for sex though. We are now married and very happy.
>What’s your response to being asked over a man’s house?
“I’m not in the mood for pegging today, Bradley.”
NO. It can be safe a hundred times but it just takes once til you’re in a suitcase at a landfill.
As a man I would never propose this and if one does it’s considered a red flag by me. First meet ever? No way. I’m pretty sure that’s a really quick way to end up as a Netflix Docu series.
If its to meet the family after dating for a while its fine otherwise no. If we really do match and are serious on the relationship, we don’t need any of that to know that we are compactable.
You can call me old fashioned but I rather be safe and have less problems if they are not the one.
I wouldn’t waste my energy trying to divert to a more respectable location. Just unmatch and free up space for someone who actually wants to get to know you. If that’s what you want.
Any guy that’s actually looking for a relationship and not a hook up, should be perfectly fine with that kinda response. My wife and I met on Match.com and I suggested going Mini Golfing and we got drinks and walked around town after. That was 10 years ago next month 🙂
This is really accommodating tbh. I’ve never asked a woman to just come over in a context like this, and I’d never expect to get this response.
By all means, keep doing what you feel makes sense but I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to filter out men like this instead to only find the type who would never ask a woman over like this instead of go on a date. What I mean is…no second chances. Just unmatch or block, and then continue with someone else more sane.
The paragraph is just very forgiving. Almost too much so imo.
If it feels safe and I am attracted to them, usually yes. But I’m not looking for a relationship and am clear about that, so the circumstances are different.
For a first date/meeting? Immediate unmatch.
His intentions are clear (99.9% of the time) and, even if you were open to casual, it still shows a complete lack of respect and awareness for your safety or comfort which, IMO, would also signal to me that he’s probably selfish in bed too so definitely not worth the trip even just to get laid, let alone the risk of ending up as a netflix documentary.
I’ve had most men suggest this on the 3rd date. Let me cook you something from my place. It’s men’s go-to to make a move on you. I would say I don’t feel comfortable with that and they either make another suggestion or they don’t. All of the men were open to other suggestions and very respectful. I was lucky with that but I filter out men really early on by letting them know I am intentionally dating/ looking for marriage and I expect exclusively before sex. Filters out time waster and pretenders
“No, stranger danger!” If they don’t laugh or instantly get offended by that, I know I should avoid him. I love this approach to dating intentionally. I made that mistake many times when I thought “we’re just hanging out” and ended up in his bed lmao.
Also if you’re not an award-winning chef, I don’t need you to cook for me. Sorry.
ghost
No
If it’s someone suggesting this as a first date it’s an immediate no/unmatch for me. I told myself that my future husband would not dare ask me to come over to his place for a first date lol
For a first date? Right out? I wouldn’t until there’s exclusivity.
lol. nope. First date? Ghosted. And I make my boundaries clear so if they do it after I’ve already said no then we’re also done right there.
I don’t understand the logic of sex being completely off the table for several months if you are looking for a long term partner. Are you even attracted to him?
“Ew,” then block.
I just dont.. say not interested. I am not looking to get an STD or surprises in general.. also, am already just turned off. Like, I imagine he’s not going to have the tidiest of places if he’s so low effort in other stuff, I can’t just go see, give a quick sniff and turn around 😆🫣
Minimum 5 dates first.
i would just cut it off right there tbh, he’s the type to expect a hookup on date 1 and therefore not compatible with me.
If they suggest the first date to take place at his place, a red flag, especially if we have never met. That’s a straight up booty call. But once I get comfortable with them, I think one’s home is a nice and private place to get to know one another and to escalate things physically, if you know what I mean.
But I’d like to see him be a gent about it, and like ask me to come over for a dinner next Saturday or something like that. If someone new/newish to me causally texts me to come over on Sunday morning since he’s hangover, I wouldn’t even reply. I’m open to sleeping with a new guy early on if I feel like it, but not if he’s trying to rush it and treat me like an escort.
I had a dude several years ago try to pull this on me while I was actively sitting in the restaurant we had agreed upon! Needless to say, I deleted and blocked him and haven’t seen him since.
I’d view it very poorly before at least 3 public dates. It’s a fuckboy move that smells of trying to get max sex for minimum effort / money