Okay, hear me out. I’m nowhere near great or perfectly not-asshole person, nor a people pleaser. I fight back and demand fairness as needed. But. If people have reasons and logic, I’m willing to work with them. I care about fairness and I treat customer service folks with respect because they’re humans and deserve it. So just being a reasonable person basically.
But, I’d seen how being an asshole really benefits people. Keep screaming and cussing, cut the lines, being extremely demanding even if unreasonable, chances are good someone will try much harder to please them. They will get comped, get served first, get other benefits where being a polite person mean you being pushed down the line by the servers, or placate with apologies only. Where i accept something unfortunate due to the rules, people can get through it by just being constantly a problem, ignore all (seemingly) sound logic and established rules, and suddenly, the situation will be resolved for them. Special consideration and allowances will be made.
I guess the point is, times and times again, it’s clear being a bully works. And while i can’t and don’t want to be like that, i do wonder what I’m missing and could have if I’m willing to be a nuisance and treat people like dirt. Sometimes it feels being decent and have manners/reasons is a “lose out” thing, iyk what i mean. I’m not a good person in the selfless way, i look out for myself, i just don’t want to be unreasonable and want to be nice and respectful if i could.
Anyone feels the same? I’d appreciate any insights, or even take sense to me because maybe I’m looking at this completely wrong. I don’t want to be mean or hurting anyone and i like to be fair for everyone involved, but really i wonder if it makes me lose out on things i can have if I’m just being an asshole.
What brought this up: a work situation that due to the rules, i might not get reimbursed some money. The people helping me have been respectful, reasonable, and seem like they wanna help. Idk the decision yet, but if no, i can either accept and lose money because there is (uninformed side but does make sense) of the rule, or i can be a nuisance and there is a chance i can get it back. Or i can lose my job, idk lol. So yeah i think of people who can be just the right level of a problem but not too far, and i started to hate myself for not being able. It feels wrong attacking people who have been trying to help (afaik) and when i know the rules kinda make sense.
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Yes. but i know being a good person is rewarding in later stages of life and one of them is, i will be living in peace and all those who are enjoying being bad will get bitter and angrier at later stages of life, which will lead them to big problems in old age.
No, fuck those people. Speaker phones, cutting in line aggressively, littering, refusing to let you in a merge, complaining about everything, back talking teachers, no turn signals, not returning carts, what else?, all assholes.
Here’s the thing, often us managers in these situations will try and deescalate an angry person because it’s easy to do so than get in to it with them. They’re mean, they expect free shit and/or don’t want to pay for services and goods rendered. If we have the capacity to stand our ground at a certain point we will but it’s nuanced.
When I’m around mean, bitchy, complaining people who have no respect for the glue of society or others around them I just wonder to myself who wakes up next to that person every day. I also wonder why they don’t annoy themselves being such jerks.
Yes… everytime I’m pushed to being an arsehole and it WORKS I just die a bit inside. I hate being aggressive. I try nice > firm > assertive > and last arsehole.
There’s only been a few occasions that it’s happened: once during the birth of my second kid, once when I was cheated on, once at my kids school ( bullying, not even my kid!)… and I cried and cried after… that people couldn’t just help/fix the situation without having to have a ‘crazy lady’ go off at them.
For some people it’s just ‘normal’ it means nothing to them… and I think it’s so extreme.
Some people unfortunately default to arsehole, maybe they lived in a home where none of the other things ever worked… maybe they still live in it.
I’m happy my life means I don’t ’live’ in that mode… I like being kind and loving and generous… even if it means some people will take advantage.
No not at all in the slightest
I get WAY better treatment from other human beings/business things by being friendly, personable, and firm. I am perfectly capable of requesting more or being opposed someone/something g without being an asshole
And the plus side is people actually like me, and I tend to get even better life rewards for it than an asshole with a hell of a lot less effort
I genuinely believe being an asshole can lead to smaller short-term gains but being a good person leads to greater long-term gains.
I worked a few customer service related jobs part-time when I was a teen and in college.
If someone was an asshole, we would do the absolute bare minimum we were required to do to help them. Sometimes they might get a manager to give them something by pitching a fit. But we would remember them, would avoid them as much as possible, and would do everything in our power to stonewall them in the future.
If someone was kind, we would do everything in our power (and sometimes even bend the rules) to help them out. We were always happy to see them and would give them great service.
A nasty customer might get an expired coupon honored by bickering over it for fifteen minutes with a manager. It would maybe work once, and they would get the world’s most mediocre service from then on.
A kind customer would get that same coupon swiped immediately because I conveniently forgot to check the date and would still have employees who were happy to see them and going out of their way to give the best possible service.
People pander to the assholes because it shuts them up and they don’t want to deal. But then people remember that they’re an asshole and lose a bit of respect or trust – so it only works if you don’t have to deal with the person again.
Otherwise your friends don’t like you, and you lose out on what’s important.
Also, if you don’t normally act out, when you do it will be so much more impactful to the people in your life. That teacher who is normally quiet and okay with a bit of disruption? When she finally yells at the kids to behave, they do, because they have an Oh Shit moment. If a teacher always yelled, the kids didn’t care.
And you don’t have to yell AT people. Usually just being visibly and audible angry is enough to give people the shits. At least in my country
No being an jerk catches up to you. I think when you see people being a jerk, it’s because the jerk is in one of two situations: 1) not self-aware, gaining a poor reputation for it or 2) self-aware, bullying smaller targets but eventually that catches up because people around them start noticing a pattern. Being nice earns you a good reputation in the long run. You don’t want the rep of being ‘difficult’ because if you’re terrible enough your rep starts to proceed you and you’ll gain poor treatment/drama without ever doing anything to others.
I can’t lie, I have had the same thoughts. Especially in regard to finding a partner.
You ever watch Bridezillas? These women are just awful. Really, just the dregs of humanity incarnate. Yet, they have a partner. They are terrible people, and they have still managed to be able to find a man who wants to marry them. And here I am, 37, single, and likely to remain so.
But then I think about what I would have to sacrifice in order to have that life: my self-respect, kindness, dignity, integrity, and honor. I’m committed to finding a partner who values those qualities and is able to show up for me the way I would show up for him. And I wouldn’t want a man who would be completely steamrolled by me and just give in because I threw a fit (which I don’t do anyhow, but you know what I mean).
You’re right; the world does reward bad behavior. It’s not fair, and it’s not right. But that is still not enough of an incentive for me to betray who I am as a person in order to get ahead. Maybe I’m maladapted in terms of evolution, but I’ll die being right with myself. And that’s okay.
No. That’s a loser move. By the way, these are the assholes who manipulate us people-pleasers into giving in to unfair and unreasonable demands.
Arrogant assholes who bully and manipulate others so they can get their way succeed in only one thing: making enemies.
> i can either accept and lose money because there is (uninformed side but does make sense) of the rule, or i can be a nuisance and there is a chance i can get it back.
It doesn’t have to be one or the other, you can negotiate civilly. Negotiation doesn’t mean you have to be a prick or a nusiance.
My ex was an asshole. Like, he was a massive piece of crap too, but was a very pushy aggressive liar to get what he wanted. But i did literally witness karma punishing him.
He cheated, so i left, and discovered he had lied about my rights to the house too. Like i coulda gone to court, but his family has way more money than mine and we all know what that means. Its all in the past, so whatever.
But he moved his side piece in IMMEDIATELY. Like i doubt he even washed the sheet between me leaving and her moving in. But when she moved in, a literal colony of rats moved in behind her. They shredded the electrical and he had to get the house totally rewired. Then the pipes froze, burst, and he had to pay to fix that. Then a couple months later they froze and burst AGAIN and the heater died. And the rats are still there through all this (im assuming, i like the idea and i know how lazy he is so probably accurate.) Then his sidepiece/victim left, probably because she realized the married man she was banging just wanted a shiny newer model housekeeper.
The point his, in the short term, being an asshole got him the house because i didnt want to deal with him. And it got him a barely legal moron of an ego boost for a few months. But then LITERALLY everything crumbled around him, and no one wanted to help the manipulitive asshole. So he sold the house at a loss, which was unfathomable with the housing market at the time, and idk where he is now.
I was, and am, kind, reasonable, and generally decent. In the short term i sure did lose everything. But in the long term my life is so immeasurably better i cant describe it without writing a longer novel than this comment.
So sure, im missing out on using expired coupons by not being an asshole. But those people just do not win at life because when they NEED help, no one is willing to give it.
Ok.. so being the bully works, but at what cost? They don’t get what they want because people respect them, they get what they want faster because people don’t want to deal with them. That sounds like a sad life to me. Also, people don’t treat others poorly when they’re happy, those people are miserable in their own lives and take it out on everyone else. They make other people feel “less than” because it’s the only way they can feel good about themselves. Their “friendships” are often shallow or fake because they’re all out for themselves. A few unnecessary freebies are not worth the peace and morals it would cost me to treat someone like trash. That behavior is beyond embarrassing, especially when they throw a tantrum like a toddler. No thanks. I would rather be a good person and be proud of how I show up in the world and for people than someone who will step on anyone to get what they want. When I see those people I feel pity for them, but I have never once felt like I was missing out.
These people may gain financially but they never gain where it counts in my opinion.
How many of these people have good relationships with people? True friendships for example? Or a boy/girlfriend who they can truly trust won’t screw them over?
I couldn’t much care for money so maybe I’m looking at it wrong but my conscience and how I feel within myself has always been more important to me than short term financial gains because if I can’t live with myself then I’m in trouble aren’t I?
I kinda do. I’m being bullied right now by my nextdoor neighbours who wake me up every morning by banging on the shared wall for hours, slamming doors, the list goes on. I barely sleep because of those people.
And I am the one who’s supposed to leave, for various reasons (not USA). So, today I was an asshole, I couldn’t sleep so I made a ton of noise myself. I usually don’t bother, but I’m sleep deprived so less nice indeed.
But honestly? It’s draining and makes me unpleasant and less empathetic. I don’t want to be like that. I know that I can’t avoid assholes, but I am trying. It’s so frustrating seeing how people are skating by being bullies.
Let’s hope that I get to move soon.
Being a bully might work to get a refund for an average meal, but that’s not what is important to me.
I am nice and kind, and people remember that. People I worked with years ago will phone me up and offer me an opportunity because they remember I was reliable and pleasant to be around. Friends will do me favours if I’m in a bind because I do the same for them. Being nice gets you places too, and they’re better places.
Yes. I’m not going to be an asshole, because that’s just not the kind of person I want to be, but I do resent that so many assholes get rewarded for their asshole behavior.