I (36/F) had an epiphany last week about myself, possibly. My partner is 34/M, and we’ve been dating for a little over a year. He’s said pretty much the whole time that he can’t wait to marry me and whatnot.
He’s spends like 4 nights a week at my place, and the rest of the week at his. We also are child free by choice.
He has an apartment that he shares with his mom. He took her in about 8 years ago after she found herself homeless and has been taking care of her ever since.
After my dad died in 2022, I moved in with my mom (66F/F) so she wouldn’t be alone and then we later moved to county over, it was just too much upkeep and too many memories at the old house. I have a basement apartment complete with a kitchen and everything, so I’ve got my own space, but I’m there if my mom needs anything. I’ll admit that after dad died, I became pretty paranoid that something might happen to my mom.
I should also add for context that I’m an introvert and it is imperative that I have alone time. My boyfriend is an extrovert who never stops talking.
So my epiphany last week was that I don’t want to ever get married or live together full time, not just with him, but with anyone. If he and I were to live together, I realized I would never have time just to myself where I can recharge.
Then add in our mothers, I absolutely would not want to live with his mom, she’s nice enough but smokes like a freight train and spends money compulsively for games on her phone (which leads to her card getting hacked multiple times). I don’t want to leave my mom and she would not like his mom moving in (valid). Honestly, my basement apartment would not fit him and me both if he were to fully move in.
My question is this: are there any real benefits to actually being married? I’m trying to figure out if it’s just been something we’ve been groomed to expect by society or if it does provide any real benefits.
I love him, but if I were to need a power of attorney or something, I would choose my sister.
I am starting to feel like marriage is a legal tie that someone might make if they don’t trust their partner to not leave, but I mean, divorce happens all the time, it’s expensive, but it doesn’t stop the dissolution of a relationship.
I don’t want to overlook anything before I talk to him about it. I don’t want to keep my revelation from him, that wouldn’t be fair, especially if not wanting to get married ended up being a deal breaker for him.
TLDR: Does marriage have any benefits?
Edit: Thank you everyone for your comments, I really do appreciate the input. I have a lot of questions to ask him and a lot of talking to do with him.
Comments
Mainly tax benefits, and to a certain extent, the social “legitimization” of your relationship.
Marriage is much more than just a ‘legal tie’ as you put it. it can be the best or worst thing to happen to a person depending on the person they marry.
You don’t just marry the person, you marry their family, their upbringing which has resulted in their habits, world view and emotional responses
Financial Perks, tax breaks, joint insurance policies, and access to better healthcare options especially when one partner has superior benefits.
Legal Protections, Inheritance rights, medical decision-making authority, and the ability to handle legal or financial matters on behalf of your spouse during illness or incapacity.
Resource Pooling: Combining income and assets often leads to more financial flexibility, easier access to housing, and better investment opportunities.
Built-in Support: Marriage provides a support system to navigate both life’s challenges and day-to-day tasks, from illness to balancing work and family.
social status. A public, recognized commitment strengthens your position in your community, bringing support from extended family, friends, and even neighbors.
I’m unmarried but from casting a critical eye over the relationships around me over the past 15 years or so:
A good marriage is worth it. But a good marriage is incredibly rare.
I agree. I’m childfree and in my 40s. I also have a career and financial stability. Most men I meet have children and have less assets and more financial commitments than I do. This in itself makes marriage financially unattractive to me.
Re your other points, I too like my own space, time etc. I have a lovely life with friends, family, sports, activities and travel. I don’t want / need to give that up.
This doesn’t really sound like a general marriage question but more of a personal situation you probably need a therapist to untangle.
To each their own! It is definitely more binding and contractual than what most people realize when they fantasize about getting married. In the US at least, there are tax benefits for most couples (there wouldn’t be in my income scenario), potentially better insurance plans bc you can pick between each spouse, and legally you can be there to make medical decisions for your person. Then again, you could go and get a medical power of attorney for that. If things go sideways and you’re financially entwined it can get very messy with divorce.
For some, the symbolism and commitment of marriage is what matters the most. I’m divorced and I find it unlikely I’ll get remarried even though I’m in a LTR – I could see having a commitment ceremony with party and rings. I could see us doing it for that ritual or honestly the health insurance benefits.
no. my husband and I only ended up owing more in taxes and paying more for health insurance (privately through the state we don’t have it through work). we love each other to death but I have joked about getting a divorce for financial gains lol
For me, marriage had a major benefit in that I created – both legally and spiritually – a family for myself. My birth family is not awesome. I would never in a million years live with my mother or my father. And while I enjoy my siblings’ company, I would NEVER make one of them my POA. I won’t even leave my kids in their custody if I die. So all I had ever wanted was a family where I felt accepted and loved. And so I made one for myself with my husband and our children. If you already have family and financial independence and don’t need someone to care for you when you’re old or sick, then I’m not sure marriage would have much benefit for you other than taxes.
One thing I will say though is if you’d make your sister your POA over your partner, then you have no business marrying him anyway. That doesn’t sound like till death do us part love to me.
I can to the conclusion that marriage does not have any benefits that i want or that i can’t get another way, so my partner and i remain happily unmarried and will remain so for life.
On the introvert aspect, you need to find a partner who understands and respects your need for that time alone. My partner and I both require time to decompress from being around people all day, so we regularly do our own thing in separate rooms when we need that time.
Friend, this is a personal decision. I can see that marriage holds little appeal for you, in your specific situation. Listen to that, reflect on it.
But that absolutely does not mean that marriage is something “we’ve all been groomed to want” and that the only point is “if they don’t trust their partner to leave”. Just because you don’t see the point for you, doesn’t mean there’s no point for anyone else.
Not everyone is you. My husband has a dangerous job and excellent health insurance – it was a no-brainer to marry me and make me his next of kin so that he could take care of me, or make sure I’m taken care of if something were to happen to him.
The issue you’re likely to run into is that you have a partner who wants marriage. He’s been straightforward with you about want marriage for the whole time you’ve been together. Are you prepared to leave, if this is a dealbreaker for him?
It sounds like, for your situation, maybe you shouldn’t get married.
My life is different. I don’t have any close family members, neither does my boyfriend. We were each living alone before we moved in together. We are each other’s backup. For us, it makes sense because we are all we have. I also legitimately miss him everyday when he’s at work and he misses me. We still take breaks from each other, we have separate areas of the house where we go and do our hobbies and then we check in on each other once in awhile and it’s just lovely.
You have other people to rely on in your life. That’s great. But also maybe this guy isn’t for you?
Your suspicions are correct.
>it’s just been something we’ve been groomed to expect by society
And also
>marriage is a legal tie that someone might make if they don’t trust their partner to not leave
Obviously I know this is not the case for all, and some folks absolutely love being married and enjoy the symbolism of it and/or feel it strengthens their relationship. But is it necessary or crucial, or even good, for everybody? Definitely not
There are certain legal and financial benefits to it.
Married or not, you still choose the rules and boundaries and terms of your relationship. If you get married, you don’t have to live together. If living with his mom is a no-go, then don’t live with him/his mom. If you move in together, you can still maintain separate spaces including separate bedrooms.
Talk to your partner about what you want in the relationship. Talk to your partner about what he thinks married life would be like to see if it’s drastically different than what you want.
I’m more against marriage just because I don’t want the government involved in my relationship. I don’t want the government involved if I break up with my partner and then suddenly my partner gets alimony or half my assets that I had before we were married. If for whatever reason we decide to get married, we are definitely having prenups and talking about what things are “together” and what things are “separate.”
But we can have a fulfilling long term committed relationship without a marriage license. And we are the masters of our own relationships. We get to define the terms of it. There’s no assumptions because we talk about it and we decide what’s best for us.
For me it’s worth it, for you it might not be.
A few reasons I wanted to get married: we both wanted children, we wanted a house together, and just generally wanted to build a life together.
We were younger when we met and pretty evenly matched in earnings, savings, and overall financial attitudes so there wasn’t really much financial risk. We are also both introverted and have similar needs for alone vs together time. Plus my husband is just awesome and a true partner.
If I ended up single again today at 36, now that I’m done having kids and with more assets, it probably wouldn’t be worth it for me to remarry.
I just want to throw in my two cents about needing time to yourself to recharge. I am the same way. I feel suffocated by a partner who wants to do every single thing with me and doesn’t leave me time to do my own thing. When I started dating my husband I was upfront about this. And he was fine with that and still is. When I’m home I can read a book, watch a movie, watch a show, take a nap and my husband is not going to bother me and want to do everything with me. We have date nights and sometimes we’ll watch a movie together or something like that but we both have space to do our own thing. I don’t need to yap his ear off when he’s playing a video game in the basement. I’m upstairs reading and he’s not going to bother me while I’m doing that. I think if you found the right partner who enjoys space as well you could make it work. Your current partner is just not that guy. As for the marriage part, I did get married and I’m happy but it’s not for everyone and that ok.
Yeah, frankly if I was in your situation, I wouldn’t see the appeal of marriage either. I don’t believe that everyone should automatically go “love, marriage, baby in a baby carriage” but there are definitely benefits to marriage for some people. Like most things in life, there’s really no universal answer. It really depends.
Yes if you have the right partner
I had family friends who stayed together for many many years but chose to stay childless and also didn’t believe in getting married.
They ended up getting married in their 50s after her husband was in a terrible accident. They don’t just let someone who claims to be their girlfriend/ boyfriend to go in the ICU room and get updated right away, or make any medical decisions. That’s what made them realize they wanted to be married. Also the same reason why I married my husband (so young). If he died overseas in deployment I wouldn’t even get a phone call just because I’m a fiance. In the military fiance = nothing. I wanted to be informed of everything right away when it came to my husbands safety and wellbeing.
Dealing with someone’s medical insurances can also be hard because of hippa. Especially if your boyfriend/ girlfriend is very sick in the hospital and cannot figure out his own insurance stuff.
But all that being said- what you listed about his mother ect are good enough reasons not to marry someone. If you have no desire to marry him- don’t!
I’m divorced, in a relationship with another divorced person. I have kids, he does not. I significantly outearn him like I did my ex, even moreso. I don’t think we will get married because I want to ensure that my kids will be the ones to benefit from the slog of my tech career. He’s not keen on marriage either. Maybe we will change our tunes one day, but we are fine being domestic partners (legally). I want him to be the one to pull my plug if needed, but don’t need to have the ring or the party or the dress or any of that. I do adore him more than I ever did my ex-husband which is kind of ironic.
>My question is this: are there any real benefits to actually being married? I’m trying to figure out if it’s just been something we’ve been groomed to expect by society or if it does provide any real benefits.
I don’t want to ever be married either.. nor would I want to share my living space with a partner.
I feel like marriage was beneficial to women in the past before women could make their own money and manage their own money.
I make way more money than I really need. I don’t need the financial security of a 2nd income in the household. Sure, it would be nice to split living expenses and save even more, but I manage more than fine on my own.
The only real advantage I can immediately see for being married is that your spouse is usually automatically next of kin, so if you’re incapacitated in the hospital, they can see you in the hospital or help make decisions for you.
If you have a Medical Power of Attorney in place, that solves that issue.
For you, I think not. Maybe in the future when both of your mothers move on and you need each other for medical decisions etc but right now, there’s no value
You are conflating two different topics.
Living together and being married.
Ot sounds like it’s specifically the living together part you don’t like. Marriage is really just a contract that provides certain benefits.
You don’t have to be married to live together and you don’t have to live together if you are married (though that’s what most people would want… I’ve heard of married couples living separately though)
At a minimum, it sounds like your current partner isn’t right for you if you think you’d never get alone time. I’m thoroughly introverted as well, but my husband doesn’t need excessive amounts of attention so he never burns out my social battery.
I do like having him around the house regardless. With a good partner they help spread the load of caring for a home too so it should make life easier. And of course the financial benefits of only needing one living space.
It’s smart that you are taking marriage plans slow at present. One year is not long together and you can take plenty of time to see how you grow closer together (or not), how you handle arguments over little stuff vs big stuff. There may come a point where your partner is so entirely your person that you decide to do domestic partnership, legal marriage, or some other union. Experiencing together things like sick parents, parent deaths, pet deaths, depression, surgery, health issues, work changes, etc will give you perspective and potentially draw you closer than you thought it was possible to be with another person. I’m a homebody and need time to recharge and it’s no problem living with my husband because he’s my person who gets me. We can be in separate spaces at home together no problem, or I can recharge on the other side of the couch from him while he is watching sports or playing a game on his phone. I go to the movies, dog walks, or biking by myself regularly, you find ways to carve out your schedule. Is your boyfriend clingy right now? He may grow out of that as the relationship progresses and he develops confidence or it may be a long term incompatibility for you.
What about a pre-nup?
I am massive introvert. I remember telling a friend years ago that my ‘ideal marriage’ would be with someone I only saw on weekends because giving up my personal space would be too much. I always hated having previous partners live with me even though they were all for short periods.
It wasn’t until I met my husband that I thought, “yes, I want to” but it was specific to him. Being married solidified our commitment to each other legally to allow protections in place but we’re both also very boundaried with family to ensure it doesn’t spill into our marriage. I know he puts me first and so do I.
It’s a very personal decision OP but I feel like with marriage, it’s an all in approach otherwise it’s best to not enter it at all.
Are we twins? Lol
I’m an AuDHD introvert and I’m 99% sure I never want to live with someone else again. I need my space. Spending nights is awesome but I want to go to my own space after.
marriage has traditionally benefitted men more than women. single women outearn single men and married women, single women outlive married women, and single childless women are the happiest demographic in the world.
its a choice you have to make. if you marry him, what would he ADD to your life? you have a good idea of the sacrifices you’d make, but the real question is if the benefits outweigh the cost. another thing to consider is having a marriage that fits YOUR needs. you can be married and live apart. or if you were to get married, how can you ensure that you get your recharge time while still being a good partner? lots to consider here! good luck to you 🙂
Well, it obviously depends on your country and the local law.
In my country, marriage brings huge tax benefits for example (I make around 300 € more each month just due to the better tax class). Or if one of the partners doesn’t work yet doesn’t get welfare money, they can just join the free healthcare plan of their spouse instead of paying 200€ a month for healthcare without any income.
It makes inheriting easier and helps in case one of the partner is in hospital and didn’t write down a Patientenverfügung, so your partner can make decisions for you if you didn’t make them yourself and can’t due to being in a coma or such.
It depends on the marriage.
But bring this up with him and think carefully about what you really want. He might take it personally that you don’t want to spend more time with him or commit.
Is this someone you see as a life partner or just a boyfriend?
Are you in it for the long haul, or is your relationship contingent on circumstances?
Do you want to commit? This doesn’t require marriage or living together.
What would you want living separately to look like?
What aspects of your life would you be comfortable sharing?
If circumstances were to change would you ever consider living together? (It sounds like not). What types of changes to living situation would you consider long-term?
It’s not worth it.
It sounds like you may actually just be incompatible. You need to tell this man how you’re feeling about marriage before he proposes and humiliates himself.
I have always had a very pessimistic view on marriage overall, but I ended up with a wonderful husband.
That still being said, I am very pro prenup. I think most people do not understand the advantages for BOTH parties, not just the one who “has money.” You can customize them to protect your current self and your future self. And since it sounds like you both are care takers, you may want to take that into consideration.
If you’re not planning to have kids, it might all be a mute point.
Your perspective on it isn’t wrong, but unfortunately marriage creates the accountability for shared living situations, finances, and health. It’s also having a life partner who hopefully helps you reach your goals and be your best person.
However, like most comments said- it’s rare. It’s a gamble. But it is worth seeking.
To be honest, marriages are 9/10 almost always worse for the women unfortunately. Look only 10-20 years back (or even now) all you see is mistreatment of housewives and the indoctrination that a women’s duty is directly tied to how well she upkeeps her home and children. The women have almost no autonomy and ends up living for her kids and husband with no sense of self worth. We also see financial abuse where the wives have no idea about the finances.
I’m extremely grateful for my marriage everyday, however I don’t think I’d marry someone that I wouldn’t want to be the person with power of attorney if I got sick. I wouldn’t marry someone I didn’t want to be the one by my side as I age. My mom has Alzheimer’s and although her and my dad’s marriage has been beautiful in many ways, he’s not been an ideal partner and caregiver through it. I full believe my husband will be if it happens to me, and I wouldn’t be married to him if I didn’t think so.
It depends on what you want. I’ve known a few couples where they do not live together and never will, but they have a great relationship.
If he wants to get married, you owe it to him to tell him that you don’t. If he wants to find someone who wants to get married, he should have that chance.
I know this doesn’t quite answer your question, but have you considered being married but living apart still? It’s not as “conventional” but people do it and it works for them.
I have a good marriage. Now that our kids are teens, they’ve commented on how peaceful and stable our home is versus many of their friends.
I’m an introvert with people that report to me at work, so I’m on point during the day, and need to unplug after. A good partner will have a hobby or activities that give you that time.
My extrovert husband will take the kids out for activities so I have quiet time alone. If I tell him I need alone time, he’ll go to the gym, play his guitar, swim laps, go electronics shopping, or play a game.
Marriage is absolutely not about being together 100% of the time. It’s about sharing a life with your favorite person, but having your own independent life as well.
I hope this helps, because I think you and I have that deep seated need to be alone sometimes in common.
Just make sure your partner appreciates and supports that need, and you’ll do fine. Other boyfriends didn’t understand, and didn’t last.
There’s an emerging trend called apartners – wjich is simply people in committed relationships living in separate spaces. Many of whom are married.
You don’t need to move in together to get married. You will have to ask your bf and yourself what is in the marriage for you. Is it tax benefits, legal access to one another in certain circumstances, sharing of property/money? Or is it symbolic, purely for the emotional ritual? Because these things are separate and one can be accomplished without the other.
So my situation is different than yours, but my bf and I are childfree by choice as well. With you both caring for your mothers, that changes your needs.
I don’t think marriage is something society has groomed us to expect; I think marriage is a very personal choice that can and is influenced by culture, family, society, and a person’s own thoughts and desires.
Although we are childfree, we still plan on marriage in a few years. Why? It’s the easiest way to afford us the legal protections we want, yes, but also because we love each other and want that kind of bond. Marriage isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. I live with my partner and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Our desire for marriage is a reflection of the kind of life and relationship we want to have. And if that’s not for you, that’s okay, but you need to have a serious talk with your partner about this.
Being with my husband does recharge me. If it’s the right person, right time, etc. absolutely it’s worth it. I am an extreme introvert who has to mask at work. Being with my husband is like an extension of me. He recharges my soul. Is it perfect? Of course not, but he’s my favorite person, I WANT to be with him all the time
I’m going to give you a very straightforward answer to your question.
To most people, marriage feels like a romantic goal that we all want to reach. Which is fine tbh. But if you’re a US resident marriage has some important legal benefits that you will find super hard to get otherwise:
Filing taxes at a significantly lower rate. This is true upto a point, but if you as both super high earners then even joint filer married won’t be of any use. Talk to a tax professional for details. But for vast majority, if you intend to stay committed to the relationship with a partner, not getting married and filing jointly means paying the government extra tens of thousands of dollar for free.
Tax free inheritance: as a surviving spouse, you get to inherit everything from your dead spouse tax free. If you’re opening joint accounts, or hold joint titles to your assets, then you’ll be able to bypass the probate court (it can take anywhere from several months to upto 2 years for probate court to partition assets of a deceased person). Even if you haven’t willed all your assets or titled them appropriately, a probate court looks more strongly towards the benefit of the surviving spouse and may grant more favorable access to the assets post mortem. A long term unmarried relationship, despite decades of commitment, is given the same treatment as a long lost cousin who’s suddenly showing up and asking for a share of the deceased’s wealth (I know, it’s cruel world out there).
Power of attorney over health decisions: if there’s nothing expressively written, most doctors reject the surviving spouse’s informed consent to take next decision on an incapacitated spouse. I know you said you will give your sister the power of attorney, but remember to keep it updated always if something were to happen to her.
Savings for retirement: if you and a spouse is talking a career break, you can still contribute to an Ira from the income of the other spouse provided that you’re filing married jointly. You can inherit your deceased spouse’s Ira entirely to your Ira and you can spend that over the rest of your life. Non spousal Ira must be spent off within 10 years of inheriting them, this can cause your retirement savings to grow tax inefficiently as a result. Surviving spouse can continue to collect a part of their deceased spouse’s social security. None of that are allowed for a long term unmarried partner unfortunately.
Final words: marriage is just not romance, there’s a lot of legal and economic consequences built to it. As much as it is bad to get married to an awful person, it is somewhat also very important thing to accept if you’re willing to commit decades of your life without a marriage.
Oh dear, I literally logged into Reddit right now to post something about marriage. I wanted to ask something like “if I am unhappy in my marriage, and it seems like everyone around me is unhappy, especially women… is marriage even worth it?”
I saw your title and immediately clicked. I feel you so much because I am also an introvert and I married an extrovert with ADHD. It is EXHAUSTING!!! I want out, but I also recognize that we have a good stability for our kids… I am so thorned…
Sorry I don’t have an answer for you, I am hoping to get some answers myself. Good luck!
I think you are right on thinking about this. I have lived with exes and always hated it. I have worked about it on therapy and came to the conclusion that co-habitation is not for me. Being childfree makes it easier, but it is hard to explain to men I meet why I would love to live apart together
It has been for me. Though I didn’t get married until I was 39, so knew myself very well and had done the things I wanted to do to support my emotional, spiritual, and personal evolution. And, btw, I’m an extrovert, and my husband is an introvert, so I understand the differences you allude to. For example, if there are issues I want to discuss, l give my husband a heads-up so he can prepare himself internally because talking at length zaps his energy, and he becomes overwhelmed. We’re very similar in other ways (I’m an ENTP, he’s an INTP a la Myers Briggs), which is helpful. You may want to discuss introversion v extroversion with your bf and what your needs are so he can understand you better.
No
You can be married and not live in the same household. There are no rules for that. I think there are tax benefits maybe. If you have kids, tax benefits again. I got married during Covid so that I could go to the hospital if something happened to him. So far, I like being married.
I’ve been married for 10 years, 38 now. Benefits? Like active perks that are coming at you all the time to reinforce why I married my husband? Not really? I get to have him on my health insurance which is cheaper than his, so that’s cool. But there are also zero drawbacks. I’m just glad we did it. When we get closer to end of life stuff, the benefits will be much more evident.
I am very happily married and I find a lot of benefit in being married. But it’s got to be the right situation. It doesn’t sound like this is the partner for you.
I love being married to my husband, not every day, but most days. I love sleeping with my husband and sharing the chores of life. My husband would probably love it if we lived apart, because I am messy. I am definitely easier to date than live with.
I also know couples who do what you do. We met a couple once at an event. Both were married previously and had kids. They had been together, living separately for decades. They had met in college and gotten back together later in life. At the time they were both raising teens and getting married didn’t make sense, then it just never made sense.
If if works for both of you, great. People do it.
I wonder if your conclusions are specific to this relationship. Your mother and you seem to have a healthy, interdependent, respectful dynamic. Honestly, rare and beautiful and so jealous. His mother and him sound co-dependent with confusing boundaries. Because you know what a healthy dynamic looks like, your instincts are clamping up at the idea of increasing intimacy because you already know it’s going to be a mess. It sounds like you have figured out the solution to maintaining the relationship and boundaries is no cohabitation or legal ties. But it does mean less intimacy and trust. At some point your partner will probably not be OK with it unless you have a serious heart to heart about the why.
It depends what country you live in.
I live in the U.S. and there’s just a long list of benefits that are easier when married. I want kids and didn’t want to have kids with someone unwilling to marry me because marriage is a much lower commitment in my mind than kids.
I’m married and I really like it. My husband and I didn’t think it’d feel different emotionally, but it does. He was pretty happy to start calling me his wife.
I’ll check depending on your country and even your state what are the benefits of marriage.
In illness, death, if you have children, if you have a business. Etc
I’ll take my friend exemple: her boyfriend of 10 years got into a car accident and needed surgery. They called his parents because they were the one there could agree on the decision since he’s officially “single”. She could not give any kind of opinion on anything.
Another exemple: if you marry and start a business depending on where you live you can get half the business if you divorce. That can be a good or a bad thing depending of the circumstances.
Also the rules for inheritance art not the same if you are married or not. Again it depends on your country and marital situations but it can be very hard for the survival partner sometimes.
I am not saying everyone should get married. But depending on if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not it can in a way be a good insurance (or a bad one if it’s not well adjust before signing any official paper).
This is going to sound obvious but it’s the truth. With the right person? Yes. With the wrong person? No.
Living together isn’t compulsory either. I know a couple who live separately 4/7 days a week. They were both home owners when they met and neither wanted to sell and both really enjoyed living in their own homes for periods.
>I am starting to feel like marriage is a legal tie that someone might make if they don’t trust their partner to not leave
This might be more a projection of your own fear of attachment or commitment. Most people I know get married because they enjoy the symbolism of commitment it represents. The legal recognition also is real handy in cases of emergencies.
Divorce also isn’t necessarily expensive. I worked in a divorce firm. Many divorces were done for less than $500. It’s only when they’re contested or a dispute goes to court that it starts getting expensive.
I’m happily married, so I’d say marriage is worth it. Practically speaking, it’s a legal status that comes with several benefits—for example, automatically making each other next of kin and simplifying inheritance matters if something were to happen to one of us.
IMO, if you’re planning to share your life with someone long-term, marriage just makes sense. That said, it only works if your partner is truly worth committing to and as long as you share the same values and approach to life.
ETA: we’re also childfree, and I’m quite introverted. We have our own bedrooms and sometimes I ask my husband (not demand) if he feels like going out with his pals so that I can have some time for myself. If the communication is good and you know how to give each other grace when necessary, you can work around pretty much anything.
Most benefits are legal. Filing taxes jointly is usually a better outcome, and if one of you gets sick, you can utilize FMLA to care for them.
The only reason to get married (at least in the us) is for health insurance for someone who can’t afford it. There’s an added benefit of things like citizenship if that’s applicable, but otherwise it’s more advantageous to be single.
Hey, fellow introvert here living with my partner who talks a lot too!
I’ve lived alone in the past for years and loved it and often thought that if I could happily live alone for ever and just have a boyfriend who stays over half the time.
We now live and own a house together and it works because we still give each other space. Luckily we can afford a large house where along with our joint bedroom we each have a room to ourselves too. His is a gaming room and mine is an office/bedroom where i can chill out and have my alone time.
He knows I like a lot of alone time and understands it. I also wfh so I have all day to myself and some evenings too.
If you do decide to live with someone you can still always have alone time
Depends on the marriage.
Yes, there are benefits to being married.
I knew people who had their life partner (over 2 decades) get in a car wreck and they were not allowed in the hospital room because they were not married.
They were not allowed to make medical decisions because they were not married.
When their partner’s parents pulled the plug (the partner had not spoken to their parents in over 10 years) they were not notified.
They never found out where/if their partner had a funeral or where/if they were buried/cremated.
Their partner’s family tried to come after any equity in their house after the death.
The wrong marriage is worse than being single. Every. Single. Time. That’s why I counsel pre-marital counseling, because there are conversations you will not realize are important unless a counselor helps you with them.
Both of you come with baggage in your mothers. And those are very valid dealbreakers.
A good marriage – based on respect and kindness and love – is totally worth it. It makes everything better and brighter.
Marriage is great with the right person and the right boundaries. If you set up boundaries with this guy that his mother cannot move in with you two and that he needs to give you some alone time; it could work. Or you could find someone else, who doesn’t come with that level of in law baggage and spends more time on his own. Or you can just continue casually dating people.
Some married couples keep separate homes…
Yes, if both parties actually bring similar benefits. No excessive debts, dependents, addictions, income difference, mental health issues, etc.
I would get married if I had the right partner. I refuse to have a partner I wouldn’t want to marry. That means I’d be happier single.
The right partner is worth marriage, but they’re very rare. Most of the time it’s better to be single.
You can easily Google and surely know the basic/general benefits of marriage (tax, insurance, simplification of power of attorney/next of kin/inheritance). The remainder of matters will be much more personal and likely won’t apply to you or be useful – things such as religious or social reasons. For me marriage has been incredibly beneficial for child rearing, tax, insurance, estate planning, immigration, homebuying, as well as social/emotional reasons. But if I wanted to have several days/nights to myself per week, didn’t want children, didn’t him to be my Healthcare power of attorney, didn’t want property together or to combine our finances, and had no interest in us helping each other with our aging parents, those many benefits would be minimal. It sounds like you don’t want to be married, at least not to this person at this time, and that is fine. Marriage is not something you should have to talk yourself into via strangers on the internet.
I think a lot of people forget that you don’t have to live with someone to be in a long-term relationship with someone. me and my boyfriend talk about this all the time, we discuss me getting a condo or something downtown because we both like to have our space. I’m a party girl. He’s kind of a lot like you and we just like to sometimes be able to leave if we wanna leave and have our own time. I don’t think that’s an issue. What a lot of people people don’t realize is a lot of people end up forced into relationships with people because they literally cannot afford to live on their own And of course, when you get married, with the possibility of divorce, we see it so many times on this sub where people can’t like afford to just leave just cause they’re divorced now. so I don’t think there’s a problem with this! fully support your decision as someone who seems to be like similar to you and your boyfriend but also y’all have only been together a year so maybe like chill out lol
(I used to talk to text)
I didn’t even finish reading post, but kids are great if you want them, but you don’t and Marriage is Cool for the first few months then it slowly goes downhill
Only you can answer that question for yourself. No one can convince you one way or another.
It is worth it to me and I waited for the right partner. We’re both introverts with very compatible personalities, interests, life goals and lifestyles.
As a raging introvert I can confidently tell you it will not be worth it at all for you. Add in your mothers and his extroversion and I guarantee you will absolutely regret getting married. You’ve already made a great decision not to have kids, I wasn’t so lucky because then you NEVER have alone time ever again, plus constant anxiety.
Do not get married.
There are tons of legal protections to being married. Which was a major driver for our LGBTQ+ friends.
And discounts on taxes etc.
A good lawyer can help you with a type of partnership agreement to give similar protections.
I hear you on the rest. Even my last mildly ocd partner had a different idea of what constituted a clean bathroom. Lol. So I get it.
This is the kind of thing women in general are saying. If your life is pretty good, a partner should add to it.
But they are also going to take away. There are only 24 hours in a day, and joining a life with someone takes time. I mean literal hours of those 24 in a day.
So.this is what we mean when we say men are competing against our own lives, not other men.
I ask myself all the time when dating: is this guy’s involvement in my life enough to warrant the less time I’m going to have for everything else.
You know you can apply for a civil union if it’s about jumping on each others insurances but you’ll have to renew every year. Also idk about childfree people, but the government helps you out a lot more if you’re a single mom vs being a married mom…i think dinks might get the worst of it when it comes to the government
You cracked the code early my friend. I have been in very long term relationships (I was with a partner I called my “spouse” for 13 years but we never married). Also childless.
In my early 40s, I saw successful women like me absolutely burnt out from marriage and financially devastated for life by divorce. No other person was going to take the life I scrapped, saved, and broke my back earning, no matter how much I love them. One friend lost half her retirement and half the house she restored by hand all by herself, to a fucking loser who never contributed, never did anything for her, and drove her insane after the first 3 years until she found out he was trolling for young girls on Tinder.
I think if marriage means something to you spiritually or culturally or personally, then that’s different. But it means truly nothing to me. I can be long term partnered with someone, truly committed, and legally bound in ways that matter (will, power of attorney, shared accounts for expenses) without the bonds of marriage. It seems like a poor financial risk to me, and the tax breaks don’t balance it out.
Google “living apart together”. It’s valid even if you DO want to be married. I’ll never cohabitate again because even when partners have given me space (each had our own rooms, travelled solo sometimes) it’s not the same and not as recuperative as being completely alone in my own space. Culturally, Americans push cohabitation as if you’ll die alone and be eaten by cats if you don’t do it, and that’s bullshit. I’m not lonely, my relationship is full and wonderful, and there’s friends up in my house ALL THE TIME (sometimes too much!). You can have both and be very very happy.
Marriage is not one-size-fits-all. My husband (42M) and I (48F) just celebrated our 10th anniversary. Marriage is worth it to us because we love being with each other more than anyone else in the world, and we clicked on that level pretty much immediately. (Yeah, our relationship is a rom-com. Had a Meet Cute and everything.) But we both had relationships, even long ones, where marriage would have been a mistake.
You have plenty of valid reasons to not marry your BF. (Though to be clear, “I don’t want to marry this person” is perfectly valid and the only reason you need). You may well stay happily unmarried for the rest of your life. Or you may in the future meet someone and decide you want to marry THIS specific person, whether it’s for legal reasons or romantic ones (or both). The point is, do what is best for YOU. Live your life the way you see fit, not the way society thinks you should.
taxes?
i’m not married, but i’ve lived with my bf for about 15 years, bought a house with him, sold a house with him. the ideal for me seems like it would be two separate living spaces right next door to each other so we could either be together or not as we want. but together is fine for me.
i don’t know why i’m not into marriage. maybe because it feels like such a pain to undo if needed. and unnecessary, except for the taxes thing that i hope someone else can weigh in on. and i guess some other legal stuff like automatically being able to participate in healthcare concerns and automatic inheritance, etc. which there are legal docs that can be created for those issues.
My exhusband is a “feminist” but had no issues with a brutal divorce that left me homeless. Don’t fall for that as criteria for a good person.
The majority of the things that make marriage “worth it” are for men – you cannot expect to receive the same standard of care he will feel entitled to from you as you age together.
There is no good reason for you to get married as a child free woman running your own financially independent household, especially not now when married women are at high risk of losing equitable standing in divorce courts, and could very well have a MAGA judge presiding over their future outcomes.
My marriage is rad. We dated 7 years then got married. Also child free and introverted. We have our own thing, y’all just need to communicate. I have my alone time outside or around the house and he does his hobbies while I recharge. But I do love spending time with him so I don’t mind him being around.
Tax breaks also if you were to suddenly die he wouldn’t be out on the street and vice versa.
The introversion thing has never been a problem for me in any of my relationships. Like I still have alone time even if my husbands home. We have our own offices in addition to our shared bedroom. Having one room in the house just for me is a must.
The main thing that leaps out to me is that he loves spending time at you place, and that he has been taking care of his mom for eight years. Honey – if you marry him, you WILL be living with him and his mother, and YOU will be taking care of his mother.
Separate from that? A good marriage can take many forms, but both spouses have to be on the same page, with mutually supported hopes/dreams/goals/values. It isn’t apparent from your post that you and your bf have these. Also, marriage is hard enough when the couple both feel an enthusiastic “yes!” about being married. If you feel this uneasy about being married to him, DON’T MARRY HIM.
I’m an introvert who needs time by herself. Does your SO have hobbies? Can he pick up golf and fishing? I’m sort of kidding but serious. Currently with someone who loves fishing, golf and tennis. You say your SO is an extrovert, so he has friends and hobbies, right?
For me it’s worth it because I’m an immigrant and alone in this country so if I were ever in a situation where I need power of attorney, I’d rather have a spouse who is capable of dealing with all my affairs by default than sign complicated contracts etc. I love my husband and like living together. We’re both fairly introverted and good at giving each other space when we need it. I used to think that maybe I just want the fantasy, but no, I actually do like being married more than being a 30+ year old girlfriend. But if that’s not your thing, no need to do it. We’re very lucky to live in the day and age where we can stay single forever and do just fine
I know a couple of genuinely happy marriages but I know a lot of people! And only a couple happy marriages! I love my husband tho; I like being married because we’re a team. I support him and he supports me. We both work around the house and contribute financially. I like waking up with him, watching a movie until late and going to bed with him. But in your situation things sound ideal as they are. I guess my only question would be, would your bf agree? I mean if he doesn’t I guess you could just deal with it then, like is your love strong enough for one of you to compromise. But that’s a future issue
keep your freedom 🤍
I am currently going through a divorce. So I’m obviously biased. I see zero reason to get married UNLESS one parent makes less and takes care of kids. Childfree and both working? No need to get married. At least in the states. Might it help with taxes and benefits? Yes. But we as a society need to change that.
I’m in a great marriage, so for me it was absolutely worth it!
We’re both high earners, so the tax benefit is massive!
He’s the only one I want making health decisions for me!
I’m also an introvert (as is he), but hanging out with him does not drain me, it’s really comforting.
He’s my partner in everything—he’s often the one taking care of my parents and running errands for them and helping them.
Life is generally easier with him constantly being around! I mean this in a big abstract way, but also in the sense that I now do less than half the housework I had to when I lived alone!
I have someone who supports me and cheers me on right next to me!
My therapist asked me to think of relationships I’m close to and what qualities about them I want in my next relationship.
I could only think of 2 and found out later on that in one of them the husband had an affair and got the woman pregnant so…
I still believe marriage can be worth it but it’s hard work and should be something that isn’t taken lightly. I think people are too quick to marry because it’s what we’re supposed to do instead of finding someone who actually adds to their life.
That’s why I’m no longer worried about being almost 35 and single. I know when I find him it’ll be worth it because I didn’t settle.
I think all couples should live together for 3 years or longer then get married.
I know if you choose the right partner and you both put in the work, marriage is the BEST DECISION EVER! We have been together for 18 years, married for 10 of those years and we are still head over heels in love. We also have 2 amazing boys that have made our love even stronger, so yes. Marriage is worth it.
Meanwhile I had a colleague who had been dating her SO for five years. Each had their own house, friends, routines, and had zero plans of marrying or moving in with each other. It works great for them!
Depends on who you marry. You have to be extremely cautious.
Any real benefit….maybe the tax benefit but if I had to hit rewind with the knowledge I have now I don’t think I would have ever gotten married. Editing to add pre-nuptials exist for a reason.
Marriage can definitely be worth it. But it sounds like this particular person/situation isn’t the type of marriage you’re looking for. DO NOT get married if it isn’t what you want. You should also be honest with him about your feelings, since it sounds like he really wants to be married in a more traditional sense. Maybe the relationship will end because of it, but that’s much better than an unhappy marriage.
Yes, marriage is absolutely worth it to some people. But you have to want to be married and cohabitate with your spouse. It doesn’t sound like you want that, which is totally valid and OK. I would not get married if you don’t want to. You should also be having this conversation with your partner so you’re setting the right expectations.
For many women, including a plurality of my friends, I don’t think marriage is worth it. The institution is sexist in nature.
While there are some examples of beautiful marriages that are equitable and fair, women simply don’t need to be legally tied to a man or another woman. People can date, spend a lot of time together, travel, care, share property, and even reproduce together, with protections for their children without marrying.
Marriage is an outdated institution that now results in a failure rate which exceeds 55%. This failure rate only accounts for the people who can afford to divorce, separate an estate, split businesses, or break up a family.
If women do decide to marry, they should wait until they are much older. Rushing into marriage seems like a disaster, even to a point where people joke now about “starter marriages.” Women should also be more financially secure and independent before tying the knot. Many of these more successful women need to decide if they want to share their own wealth with anyone else. Simply put, it appears men need marriage far more than women do. This trend seems to be increasing as women gain more independence, achieve higher educational levels, and are finally reaching some financial parity with men in some industries.
On an anecdotal level, my friends who are single, divorced, or haven’t been married before haven’t missed any part of being stuck. In fact, then seem to be far happier than friends struggling in dead end marriages or flat relationships that haven’t improved at all in years.
I hope everyone can find happiness, whether married or single, but I’m seeing far less credible or rational reasons to make this mostly unnecessary plunge.
You might wanna check out r/livingaparttogether it’s specially for couples that live in separate houses by choice. Some people thrive and recharge with their own living space which I can totally relate to!
It’s not worth it – take it from someone who has been married for 2.5 years – it’s really not worth it
Legally, yes. I would never want my parents in charge of making medical decisions for me in case (when) something happens. I want my SO to be on my health insurance, and vis versa if ever necessary. There are many reasons and benefits of being legally married depending on where you live, you don’t have to live together.
Yes marriage is worth it. I love being a part of a team, and working towards family goals together. And I’m not talking about family goals such as kids. I’m talking about working together to try new things or explore new places. I want my husband to be my forever companion – and he is. He is where my soul feels like I can rest. And my home is my safe place. No one else knows me, the way my husband knows me. I care for him so much. I love when he’s around. My husband is more introverted and me more extroverted but surprisingly I feel that has flipped at times throughout our relationship. We’re both really good at giving one another time to decompress by ourselves. I love being married to my husband. He’s my person. My companion forever
When I got in a car crash I called my husband. He’s the person I can rely on. We rely on each other. We build each other up to the people we want to be.
Have you asked him why he wants to get married, i.e. what he thinks is in it for him? I would ask him LOTS of questions, like what marriage means to him, what he thinks about prenups, what happens when you disagree about something, if he wants kids, what he thinks would happen with his mother, etc., etc. It’s not enough to be “can’t wait!”, it’s how he thinks your lives will change.
Your marriage can be whatever you want it to be, you can be married and share time separately, you don’t need to put everything together or live together full time if its what makes you both happy. Marriage, when it isn’t about having a family, is about finding a life partner, a best friend who is going to love you and work things out with you, adapt and grow with you. Hopefully there is also compatibility in your intimacy, there is trust and kindness, and bingo you can have a very fulfilling marriage
The solution is to buy a duplex where each of you will live in one side with your respective mothers. You can visit for tea and scones or whatever in the daytime and even have dinner! But back to your respective halves at night lol. It’s genius, if I do say so myself.
Just look into the legal ramifications. If you decide your partner is the person you want making medical decision for you, for example, or if you want him to inherit your stuff if you proceed him. If you decide to get serious, follow your gut and don’t live together if that’s not what you want. But see a family law attorney and see how you want to set it up.
My old boss got married about 10 years ago. Met her husband in her home time a couple states over. He’s just now retiring and moving in with her.
I’m not married, but what I do know is, my boss and Oprah figured something out. Create your own standard!
No real benefits except certain financial ones that have to do with taxes, medical care in emergencies, retirement, and social security. Having said that, you can always give each other medical POA if that’s what you want.
For straight women it generally isn’t.
The only way marriage is worth it is if you find someone willing to actually truly and wholly partner with you in life. To help you and you help them achieve not only your combined goals but also your individual goals.
Too many people are selfish or traumatized or both and refuse to change, heal ot actually become a partner with someone
From a divorced person, marriage can be worth it, and it can also be a terrible thing. There is a lot to consider beyond just relationship compatibility with another person. There are financial and legal considerations. There is living together. There is no one right or wrong way to do a marriage, so a couple can decide to do things like live apart, keep separate finances, etc. However, with money being the number 1 contributor to divorce I would not recommend having separate finances. You are tied to them financially. Their credit impacts yours. You could be made responsible for their debts. That is something to consider. Also, with your parents, I would say it would not be wise for the two of you to move in together or get engaged at this point. I do not know if you will feel that way forever about marriage and living together. You may and you may not. It is common to need your own space and time to recharge and this can be solved with communication. However, the fact that you do not feel ready for living together or marriage means you should not do these things, and as a divorced person who was somewhat pushed into marriage before I was ready, do not let yourself be pushed into them. It will not end well.
You don’t have to get married to stay together forever.
You don’t have to live together even if you are married. Or, you could live in the same home, but each have your own bed and bath rooms.
Create the life together that you want with each other. Don’t let anyone else tell you what you “have” or “need” to do.
I am single so can’t speaking to value of marriage but do have some insight based on personal experience similar to yours, especially that I don’t want to live with my husband.
In short: until a relationship and the external factors it comes with (eg in laws) does not feel like it takes more away from you in terms of freedom, flexibility, and joy, it won’t ever be worth it to you. From what you describe, it’s seems that being married to HIM is more of a burden and restrictive and potentially draining lifestyle that you want to forever be bound to.
You may need a partner who thrives in space and comes with less responsibilities or needs to tend to.
Only if you’re so in love with each other with absolutely not a single doubt or gut feeling. Probably good for like 10% of people idk… The women I know who got married are either divorced or unhappy and the men seem better off but they know the woman isn’t happy. Maybe financially if you have similar goals but… Idk. It doesn’t seem like this necessary anymore now that women can have jobs and bank accounts and buy houses. Best friends seem pretty important tho.
Oprah and Steadman seem to be doing very well.
The reality is that women have never been allowed to think about what we actually want. We are often conditioned to believe we want the things that society expects of us.
There are some women who really do want to be married, enjoy marriage, etc. There are also some women who do not want to be married.
We are all different as individuals and have different wants and needs. I was married in the past and I also had relationships where I lived with my partner. I’ve also had “together but separate” relationships.
I’ve learned that I don’t want to be married again. I have also chosen to be child free and do not have any desire to have children. I enjoy having my own space but I also enjoy living with a partner when the relationship is right.
The most important thing I’ve learned through growing and maturing is that it’s okay to want what I want, even if it’s different from most other people.
You do you but stay true to you ❤️
A good marriage is worth it but good luck finding a good marriage I personally got married because it was the next thing to do after being together a decade and having kids together
someone wrote a big point if you can’t imagine this person’s face being the one first thing waking up and the last thing you see before sleeping. its moot.
every marriage needs a lot of work so knowing that important
your parent situation is also a bit to consider. os his mom ready to live by herself? are you ready to separate with your mom and thwn you and him living separately together?
if he wants to support his mom financially would you be okay with that and do finances allow that in your case?
rest can be handled with a good conversation if your partner understands and respect boundaries. things like I want some alone time to recharge.
in my case it was misophonia and my husband is very respectful about it. and doesn’t dismiss it. 🙂
My husband and I dated for 8 years before moving in together, and another 2 years before getting married. I lived alone before that for about 7 years. I really loved living alone, and it’s difficult sharing space. Fortunately, my husband understands that, and I have plenty of decompression time and alone time still. Sometimes, I just retreat to the bedroom or office to be alone, and he almost never has an issue with it. If your partner isn’t sensitive to your needs, then it’s definitely not worth it.
I honestly never thought I’d get married until I met him in my late 20s and ended up getting married at 37 so 🤷 . A lot of people thought we were weird for waiting so long but everyone is different. We also weren’t planning on having kids, so there was no rush.
I’ve been with my partner over 15 years. None of what you mentioned has anything to do with marriage. You can live together whether you’re married or not. It just has to do with living together. I don’t personally get being with someone romantically and not living with them. I’m an introvert too and I made sure I have my own space in the house to retreat to. I let him know when I just need time to myself
Not sure. I am married and my husband is a great husband. But it’s so much more work than living separately (i did live with my mom and grandparents before marriage and also alone for quite some time). Dates are less frequent and more work around the house. I think for women the best way to be in a relationship is living separately, less work, more appeciacion.
Yes. But it has to be a good marriage
10 years together, 3 of them married. With the right person it’s worth it. But please for the love of everything…live with him first. Just him, not him and his mom. It seems harsh, but you need to see what he is like without backup.
Such interesting comments in this thread.
I’m technically not married. Have been with my spouse over 10y. We have a toddler, a house, pets. For all intents and purposes, we are married. My closest friends are, for the most part, married; so, myself and my partner are odd ones out for not having married yet. Some friends wed in big weddings, others in small weddings or elopements. Those who are married are happily married to kind, good, people (thankfully).
We intend to get married at some point, it’s just never been a big priority because being common law is essentially the same in our jurisdiction. I see a wedding as a big party with all your loved ones, to celebrate your love (sounds great to me) and a formal commitment to one another. Considering we live together, have a child, shared finances and whatnot, we are already incredibly committed – I can’t imagine being more committed because we’re “married”, frankly. But I’d love a party and to hear my spouse’s vows, as that event would be meaningful to me. Marriage itself means nothing to me as a concept, it’s just an awesome party and public commitments, but you can do both of those outside marriage. I suppose that there might be legal benefit differences in other jurisdictions, though.
Based on your circumstances, idk if marriage serves any purpose for you. I’d be curious what your partner thinks and why he wants to get married.
You absolutely do not need to get married, or live together, to have a good romantic relationship! I know married couples who choose to live separately and still have a happy marriage. You can do whatever you want with your life and your relationships!
I decided to get married for a spousal visa. We also live together and very much enjoy it. I’m happy to be married and happy to live with him, but that’s us. It does not have to be you.
As a lawyer, it depends. Marriage has some legal protections that you cannot otherwise gain through general or specialised contracts (such as allowance to their medical information if something were to happen to them, etc). But each country is specific about what length of protections that is secured through marriage and if there are ways to bypass these protections through other means.
I enjoy being married but I’ve always wanted to raise a family and I’m not interested in doing that alone. I’m not sure I’d see the point in your situation.
Even if you decide to marry, your marriage can look exactly how YOU want it to look. LAT (living apart together) is a thing some couples choose to do, perhaps it could work for you while your mothers are on the scene. They won’t be around forever. Then you can re-evaluate at a later stage.