My big realisation about myself was that I am kind of an asshole, and needed somebody who could just laugh at (and with) my general dickishness instead getting their hackles up. So, I found that man and married him. I am basically the same as the douchebro who says he needs a woman with a good sense of humour (so that she won’t get butthurt at his shitty jokes), except I actually executed my strategy effectively.
(I seem nice and have resting nice girl face, so people often don’t believe me when I tell them I’m actually kind of a jerk even though I am. I also tend to be polite and friendly when I meet someone for the first time, but this is just manners rather than nature. Back when I was in my early twenties, that fooled a lot of guys into thinking I was a very different kind of woman from who I actually was. When I finally decided to lead with my fully rotted self, I found that I made much better matches.)
Ooh I can’t wait to read through the responses here!
For me, it was realizing / accepting that I don’t get to lash out at my partner in times of poor mental health and get to blame it on my childhood trauma with the expectation that he will remain in love with me.
He might sympathize; he may understand the root issue; but that doesn’t mean he will reach for me for a hug or kiss if I am an angry, toxic, hurtful partner whether those root issues were my fault or not.
LOL what I’m about to say is the opposite of what hauteburrito said. I realized that I need to be around people who bring out the qualities in myself that I want to enhance! I can be a huge asshole and dated people who embraced it, and wasn’t really happy with who I became over the course of the relationship.
I was always the black sheep of my family. My self worth was at rock bottom for a very long time.
It wasn’t until my late 20s that I realized and started processing that I am deserving of, bare minimum, basic respect. Took me a while for me to get myself to believe that, but I’m there. And while I can have some patience when necessary, I will not be needlessly disrespected. I am strong enough to stand up for myself. I have a voice and I have every right to use it.
And with that new boost of confidence, I’ve had to figure out how to navigate conflict since I have NO EXPERIENCE. The phrase, “don’t react, respond”, has been very helpful in keeping me tactful and not let my initial emotions run the show when I need to speak up.
I wasn’t good at communicating my needs to my partner. I used to sulk whenever my boyfriend didn’t get the “hints” I gave him. One day, he asked me what was wrong, so I told him, feeling a bit annoyed that he even had to ask. He said, in a calm manner, “You could just tell me. I can’t read your mind!” It sounds so simple, but when he said that, something clicked in me. I didn’t realize I was so reticent about those things.
I’d like to think I’m much better at communicating now thanks to him pointing that out to me. I blame that old tendency of mine partly on my culture, where explicitly voicing your concerns is frowned upon and being passive-aggressive is the norm. It’s so common that there’s even a local word for women’s (unfortunately it seems to be a gendered thing) emotional withdrawal from their partners when their unexpressed needs and expectations aren’t met.
I realized that I have a tendency to build narratives in my head and hurt my own feelings more than anyone else. I also found that depending on my dysfunctional family to meet my emotional needs wasn’t working. I continually set myself up for disappointment having unrealistic expectations. I started leaning on my girlfriends more and in turn learned how to be supportive. It has brought me so much peace and confidence where it was missing. And once I had that confidence I was able to find a healthy romantic relationship for the first time ever.
Accepting that I allowed bad behaviour from ex partners, because of my low self worth.
Rather than ending relationships when I ought to, I keep chasing after emotional unavailable partners because I wanted validation.
Since my last situationship, I’ve been single for three years and while I feel lonely…I’d rather be alone right now. Rather than accepting breadcrumbs, I’m working on my self worth before settling down.
Occasionally, I do feel scared that I won’t find a partner (32 next month, so worrying about my fertility) but I’ve realised that those thought are again tidied to my inner confidence rather than anything real.
The main thing that made a difference for me was realizing and then accepting that I’m not a likable person by nature. I’m extremely self-centered, I don’t see other people and their struggles and I don’t care about them when I do see them. I want to, but I don’t naturally care (in comparison to how much I care about myself).
I have to fake it till I make it, pretend, force myself to show visible signs of empathy and understanding so that people can see with their eyes that I am listening and I care. Then I have to write down whatever it is they’re talking about because since I don’t care, I forget immediately. Then before seeing them again, I have to go over my notes and remember to ask follow up questions. It’s actually made a huge difference in the quality of my relationships. It’s just very tedious, doing all these background motions to convince people. I think I might be a narcissist or a sociopath :-/
I want and need someone to take care of me. My ADHD is more debilitating than I realized and doesn’t mesh well with my fierce sense of independence. Especially now that I’m older with way more responsibilities.
Also I’m kind of a huge slut and I have no filter, so I need someone who is secure enough to not get rattled when they hear the depraved shit that comes flying out of my face.
Just like hauteburrito, I decided to “lead with my rotten self,” and am finally dating an unflappable man who has quietly learned my routines and gently guides me through them (all while making me feel like it was my own idea).
My father moved in with my wife and I and he kept getting on my nerves when we did projects together and was in general annoying me. My wife pointed out that I am exactly like him. I realized how annoying I am but she loves me anyway.
After I had kids and was trying to raise whole, good human beings, I realized I was much more of a judgmental asshole than I thought. Like, I knew I was one, but looking at myself through the lens of my children, it was just so much worse than I thought.
So I started being much more intentional about who I wanted to be. Learning about self regulation and managing my emotions, communication with children and how their brains develop so that I could understand where they were and meet them there with patience, being a good sport, trying to establish good habits and routines (I have adhd and meds don’t work for me, so this is still a huge struggle in my life).
As they’ve gotten older, I’ve been really trying to learn (and teach them) how to be effective communicators and be empathetic. We talk a lot about history and economics and how and why the world is shaped the way it is, which has all expanded my viewpoints and made me into a better, more well-rounded person.
I still work on myself every day and struggle with anger and impatience, but looking at the person I was when my oldest was born at 28 vs who I am now 40, I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made. I’ve realized over time how little I know and understand and how I need to be humble and curious with the people and world around me. Seeing life as being full of wonder instead of being preemptively defensive (which I feel like is where my anger and judgement came from) makes my life -and the relationships I have in it- so much richer.
I realized it’s ok for me to express my needs to people I’m in connection with, especially friends. And that it’s ok to bring up something that was hurtful or upsetting as long as I do it in an open, calm way and genuinely want to work past it. I used to be terrified to bring any issues to friends which led to things blowing up anyway as they boiled under the surface. Now I see that true friends will be more than willing and able to have those conversations and it only makes our friendships stronger.
That it’s perfectly fine to expect and ask for people to be respectful and kind. Idk why it was so hard for me to have that expectation or to voice it out loud, with confidence…. I think for the longest time I didn’t think I deserved it though.
That dating is partly my story too. And I am just as much in control as this person I am dating and I have a voice too. I am allowed to exist in my relationship. I don’t have to make myself small to fit into someone’s life so they stay.
I am allowed to have my own wants needs and desires. In a relationship. And date someone who meets those.
I don’t have to give someone a chance because they like me. And I should go with a guy who likes me instead of one that I like.
My opinion is the only one that matters. What I think about myself matters more than what others think of me. When I listen to myself, my life gets better. Other people can’t decide what’s important to me. I like myself. I love myself. When I have the liberty to be as authentic as possible, I like myself more.
ETA: I recently discovered I’ve been a high-functioning codependent. I’ve also come to realize that I don’t have the emotional resilience to be around my mother. Every time I see her, my mental health regresses, and it takes several months for me to feel “like myself” again. It’s best for everyone, especially me, if I just keep my distance.
That I needed to build a healthier relationship with myself. Telling myself constantly that I was ugly, fat, worthless made me think I deserved to be treated poorly.
(It didn’t help that men told me I was ugly, fat, and worthless…)
One of the biggest realizations I had was that I don’t need to dull my sensuality to be taken seriously—or loved.
For so long, I thought being sexual made me “too much,” like I had to tone it down to be worthy of deep connection. But when I started owning my desires—flirting with life, dressing the way I feel, letting my voice drop when I’m turned on or curious or playful—I started attracting people who saw all of me, not just the version I edited down.
I also realized I used to confuse being needed with being wanted. Now I know the difference. I don’t want to be a habit. I want to be a hunger.
That shift let me build relationships where desire and honesty dance together, where boundaries feel sexy, not restrictive, and where I can say, “I crave this,” without shame.
I’ve realized I put too much emphasis on other people and don’t give enough credence to my own opinions.
If someone gave me a bad feeling, made me feel bad, or left a bad impression I had a tendency to dismiss my instincts and excuse their behavior, not wanting to be unfair to that person. I now realize that if someone makes me feel icky its ok that I feel that way and its ok for me to not like them.
I know it doesn’t sound that revolutionary on the outside but it has given me a lot more confidence in how I navigate interactions with people now.
It is okay to struggle at some things. But it is not okay to inconvenience your partner at your own comfort, and there is a difference. I had to learn that if I don’t want my ADHD symptoms to hurt my relationships, then I have to be proactive about managing them — which means being honest about my bad habits and what techniques will work and won’t.
That I’m a dick who is desperate to be seen and heard. Once I contested with that my temperament evened out and I because a lot more gracious, patient, and kind.
Parallels between my relationships with romantic partners, and relationship with my mother. Toxic, excusing red flags, giving benefit of the doubt, enabling, being gaslit, etc. Also, I recognized how to better communicate so I didn’t react out of anger, like my mother would.
After a string of toxic relationships, I stayed single for a good while and worked on myself. Pretty much every relationship I’ve been in since then has ended on amicable terms instead of toxic spite.
As soon as I feel myself getting sucked into something that makes me feel anxious, like my relationship with my mother did, I take a step back and re evaluate. I de centered men and my mental health, emotional stability/regulation and quality of life is so much better.
I learned I have adhd, and have accepted that I won’t naturally remember things like people’s birthdays or something important that happened in their life. I now utilize my phone and reminders notifications so I never forget someone’s birthday or a day something is happening for them where they might want a “thinking of you today” type of message. It’s made me a better friend. Instead of shaming myself for not inherently being good at it, I just finally learned what works for me and that helps me to show up.
Viewing my life through the lens of AuDHD and learning how to support my sensory needs (rather than fighting to suppress them in order to ‘appear more normal’), and regularly practicing nonviolent communication (to the point that I don’t tolerate otherwise for longer than an unwanted moment in passing.)
Comments
Ooh, great question OP.
My big realisation about myself was that I am kind of an asshole, and needed somebody who could just laugh at (and with) my general dickishness instead getting their hackles up. So, I found that man and married him. I am basically the same as the douchebro who says he needs a woman with a good sense of humour (so that she won’t get butthurt at his shitty jokes), except I actually executed my strategy effectively.
(I seem nice and have resting nice girl face, so people often don’t believe me when I tell them I’m actually kind of a jerk even though I am. I also tend to be polite and friendly when I meet someone for the first time, but this is just manners rather than nature. Back when I was in my early twenties, that fooled a lot of guys into thinking I was a very different kind of woman from who I actually was. When I finally decided to lead with my fully rotted self, I found that I made much better matches.)
Ooh I can’t wait to read through the responses here!
For me, it was realizing / accepting that I don’t get to lash out at my partner in times of poor mental health and get to blame it on my childhood trauma with the expectation that he will remain in love with me.
He might sympathize; he may understand the root issue; but that doesn’t mean he will reach for me for a hug or kiss if I am an angry, toxic, hurtful partner whether those root issues were my fault or not.
LOL what I’m about to say is the opposite of what hauteburrito said. I realized that I need to be around people who bring out the qualities in myself that I want to enhance! I can be a huge asshole and dated people who embraced it, and wasn’t really happy with who I became over the course of the relationship.
I was always the black sheep of my family. My self worth was at rock bottom for a very long time.
It wasn’t until my late 20s that I realized and started processing that I am deserving of, bare minimum, basic respect. Took me a while for me to get myself to believe that, but I’m there. And while I can have some patience when necessary, I will not be needlessly disrespected. I am strong enough to stand up for myself. I have a voice and I have every right to use it.
And with that new boost of confidence, I’ve had to figure out how to navigate conflict since I have NO EXPERIENCE. The phrase, “don’t react, respond”, has been very helpful in keeping me tactful and not let my initial emotions run the show when I need to speak up.
I wasn’t good at communicating my needs to my partner. I used to sulk whenever my boyfriend didn’t get the “hints” I gave him. One day, he asked me what was wrong, so I told him, feeling a bit annoyed that he even had to ask. He said, in a calm manner, “You could just tell me. I can’t read your mind!” It sounds so simple, but when he said that, something clicked in me. I didn’t realize I was so reticent about those things.
I’d like to think I’m much better at communicating now thanks to him pointing that out to me. I blame that old tendency of mine partly on my culture, where explicitly voicing your concerns is frowned upon and being passive-aggressive is the norm. It’s so common that there’s even a local word for women’s (unfortunately it seems to be a gendered thing) emotional withdrawal from their partners when their unexpressed needs and expectations aren’t met.
I realized that I have a tendency to build narratives in my head and hurt my own feelings more than anyone else. I also found that depending on my dysfunctional family to meet my emotional needs wasn’t working. I continually set myself up for disappointment having unrealistic expectations. I started leaning on my girlfriends more and in turn learned how to be supportive. It has brought me so much peace and confidence where it was missing. And once I had that confidence I was able to find a healthy romantic relationship for the first time ever.
Accepting that I allowed bad behaviour from ex partners, because of my low self worth.
Rather than ending relationships when I ought to, I keep chasing after emotional unavailable partners because I wanted validation.
Since my last situationship, I’ve been single for three years and while I feel lonely…I’d rather be alone right now. Rather than accepting breadcrumbs, I’m working on my self worth before settling down.
Occasionally, I do feel scared that I won’t find a partner (32 next month, so worrying about my fertility) but I’ve realised that those thought are again tidied to my inner confidence rather than anything real.
The main thing that made a difference for me was realizing and then accepting that I’m not a likable person by nature. I’m extremely self-centered, I don’t see other people and their struggles and I don’t care about them when I do see them. I want to, but I don’t naturally care (in comparison to how much I care about myself).
I have to fake it till I make it, pretend, force myself to show visible signs of empathy and understanding so that people can see with their eyes that I am listening and I care. Then I have to write down whatever it is they’re talking about because since I don’t care, I forget immediately. Then before seeing them again, I have to go over my notes and remember to ask follow up questions. It’s actually made a huge difference in the quality of my relationships. It’s just very tedious, doing all these background motions to convince people. I think I might be a narcissist or a sociopath :-/
I want and need someone to take care of me. My ADHD is more debilitating than I realized and doesn’t mesh well with my fierce sense of independence. Especially now that I’m older with way more responsibilities.
Also I’m kind of a huge slut and I have no filter, so I need someone who is secure enough to not get rattled when they hear the depraved shit that comes flying out of my face.
Just like hauteburrito, I decided to “lead with my rotten self,” and am finally dating an unflappable man who has quietly learned my routines and gently guides me through them (all while making me feel like it was my own idea).
My father moved in with my wife and I and he kept getting on my nerves when we did projects together and was in general annoying me. My wife pointed out that I am exactly like him. I realized how annoying I am but she loves me anyway.
After I had kids and was trying to raise whole, good human beings, I realized I was much more of a judgmental asshole than I thought. Like, I knew I was one, but looking at myself through the lens of my children, it was just so much worse than I thought.
So I started being much more intentional about who I wanted to be. Learning about self regulation and managing my emotions, communication with children and how their brains develop so that I could understand where they were and meet them there with patience, being a good sport, trying to establish good habits and routines (I have adhd and meds don’t work for me, so this is still a huge struggle in my life).
As they’ve gotten older, I’ve been really trying to learn (and teach them) how to be effective communicators and be empathetic. We talk a lot about history and economics and how and why the world is shaped the way it is, which has all expanded my viewpoints and made me into a better, more well-rounded person.
I still work on myself every day and struggle with anger and impatience, but looking at the person I was when my oldest was born at 28 vs who I am now 40, I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made. I’ve realized over time how little I know and understand and how I need to be humble and curious with the people and world around me. Seeing life as being full of wonder instead of being preemptively defensive (which I feel like is where my anger and judgement came from) makes my life -and the relationships I have in it- so much richer.
I realized it’s ok for me to express my needs to people I’m in connection with, especially friends. And that it’s ok to bring up something that was hurtful or upsetting as long as I do it in an open, calm way and genuinely want to work past it. I used to be terrified to bring any issues to friends which led to things blowing up anyway as they boiled under the surface. Now I see that true friends will be more than willing and able to have those conversations and it only makes our friendships stronger.
That it’s perfectly fine to expect and ask for people to be respectful and kind. Idk why it was so hard for me to have that expectation or to voice it out loud, with confidence…. I think for the longest time I didn’t think I deserved it though.
That dating is partly my story too. And I am just as much in control as this person I am dating and I have a voice too. I am allowed to exist in my relationship. I don’t have to make myself small to fit into someone’s life so they stay.
I am allowed to have my own wants needs and desires. In a relationship. And date someone who meets those.
I don’t have to give someone a chance because they like me. And I should go with a guy who likes me instead of one that I like.
My opinion is the only one that matters. What I think about myself matters more than what others think of me. When I listen to myself, my life gets better. Other people can’t decide what’s important to me. I like myself. I love myself. When I have the liberty to be as authentic as possible, I like myself more.
ETA: I recently discovered I’ve been a high-functioning codependent. I’ve also come to realize that I don’t have the emotional resilience to be around my mother. Every time I see her, my mental health regresses, and it takes several months for me to feel “like myself” again. It’s best for everyone, especially me, if I just keep my distance.
That I needed to build a healthier relationship with myself. Telling myself constantly that I was ugly, fat, worthless made me think I deserved to be treated poorly.
(It didn’t help that men told me I was ugly, fat, and worthless…)
One of the biggest realizations I had was that I don’t need to dull my sensuality to be taken seriously—or loved.
For so long, I thought being sexual made me “too much,” like I had to tone it down to be worthy of deep connection. But when I started owning my desires—flirting with life, dressing the way I feel, letting my voice drop when I’m turned on or curious or playful—I started attracting people who saw all of me, not just the version I edited down.
I also realized I used to confuse being needed with being wanted. Now I know the difference. I don’t want to be a habit. I want to be a hunger.
That shift let me build relationships where desire and honesty dance together, where boundaries feel sexy, not restrictive, and where I can say, “I crave this,” without shame.
I’ve realized I put too much emphasis on other people and don’t give enough credence to my own opinions.
If someone gave me a bad feeling, made me feel bad, or left a bad impression I had a tendency to dismiss my instincts and excuse their behavior, not wanting to be unfair to that person. I now realize that if someone makes me feel icky its ok that I feel that way and its ok for me to not like them.
I know it doesn’t sound that revolutionary on the outside but it has given me a lot more confidence in how I navigate interactions with people now.
It is okay to struggle at some things. But it is not okay to inconvenience your partner at your own comfort, and there is a difference. I had to learn that if I don’t want my ADHD symptoms to hurt my relationships, then I have to be proactive about managing them — which means being honest about my bad habits and what techniques will work and won’t.
That I’m a dick who is desperate to be seen and heard. Once I contested with that my temperament evened out and I because a lot more gracious, patient, and kind.
Parallels between my relationships with romantic partners, and relationship with my mother. Toxic, excusing red flags, giving benefit of the doubt, enabling, being gaslit, etc. Also, I recognized how to better communicate so I didn’t react out of anger, like my mother would.
After a string of toxic relationships, I stayed single for a good while and worked on myself. Pretty much every relationship I’ve been in since then has ended on amicable terms instead of toxic spite.
As soon as I feel myself getting sucked into something that makes me feel anxious, like my relationship with my mother did, I take a step back and re evaluate. I de centered men and my mental health, emotional stability/regulation and quality of life is so much better.
I’m a complainer and that is mentally draining for others to deal with.
I learned I have adhd, and have accepted that I won’t naturally remember things like people’s birthdays or something important that happened in their life. I now utilize my phone and reminders notifications so I never forget someone’s birthday or a day something is happening for them where they might want a “thinking of you today” type of message. It’s made me a better friend. Instead of shaming myself for not inherently being good at it, I just finally learned what works for me and that helps me to show up.
Viewing my life through the lens of AuDHD and learning how to support my sensory needs (rather than fighting to suppress them in order to ‘appear more normal’), and regularly practicing nonviolent communication (to the point that I don’t tolerate otherwise for longer than an unwanted moment in passing.)
I needed to stop being so afraid of being judged. My social circle is much stronger and tighter now 🙂