I recently switched shifts at my factory job two months ago. Since my switch, one coworker has been consistently trying to get me to talk to her. Being overly friendly, overly helpful and wanting to genuinely talk.
I dont talk to my coworkers unless it’s directly work related. I’m quiet, avoidant and if they start complaining or criticizing other coworkers I will just blank stare and matter of factly say “ok.” Or say nothing.
For weeks, I was consistent in saying nothing or stating I don’t want or need her help. Over two months, she wore me down and we started talking. Then wanted to text and text me first.
Normally I’m not suseptible this kind of thing, but my entire friend group died in a car crash almost three years ago and it destroyed me. I’ve been enduring, in private, the grief and mental break down it caused me. Since switching shifts, I wanted to join adult clubs to make new friends. Like bowling leagues, archery, etc.
I already had a hiking day planned for the holiday and dumbly offered. She accepted. Long story short, apparently she has some mental illnesses which causes her grandiose episodes and then lies to make herself a victim and create drama. Cue me getting stuck in the middle of her saying her lover is abusive, which isn’t, and me advising her to leave and her having a mental breakdown in my kitchen.
The lover called me via her phone, a few days later, before my shift and started ranting explaining stuff and I just hang up. Both of them seem like red flag factories. I’ve had enough. Problem is, this coworker knows a lot of my private life and I now know is a malicious lier.
Also the coworker never apologized for any of it and has actively avoided me. No I wasn’t seeking her out, but wow. Not even acknowledging the mess is wild.
So I’m left feeling ashamed, embarrassed, angry, used and heartbroken. I had wished for another friend for so long that when this coworker kept trying to get me to talk and seemed to enjoy my company, it convinced me I might actually have one.
Small pep talks would be great. Anyone else suffer something similar to this?
Comments
I always end up oversharing, it’s a curse. Then everyone knows my business and I want to disappear into the nether ands go back to being The New Girl. I’ve definitely started pulling back at work – just like you said, the friends I should make are the ones I share hobbies with.
Work friends are like school friends. Social by circumstance. I left a job and people kept texting me… about all the resources and work I left behind. Only 2 people occasionally connect as friends. I had been there 4 years :/
I’m sorry you found a bad friend. Even for a work friend that was awful. Keep seeking spaces for your hobbies. Even if you don’t make a close friend, at least you’ll be doing something you love.
My goal by years end is to get another dog. That never disappoints.
Their behavior is the embarrassing part. You don’t really have anything to be embarrassed about.
Your co-worker sounds like my sister; and I mean that. I am genuinely wondering if your encounter was with her. 😵💫 This woman wouldn’t happen to be a mother who recently lost custody of her 3 kids, would it…?
Anyway, my best advice is to know YOUR worth and that their toxicity is not okay. Set a hard boundary if she comes crawling back, which she will, if she isn’t fired first. Yes, I am generalizing, but in my experience, people like her are unable to maintain a job for too long because they lie and are in denial about their poor mental health. They spiral and get in trouble at work.
Block her/his numbers from your phone and your life. I understand the precarious situation you are in, with the betrayal of trust and still having to see her, but please TRUST ME that if she decides to spew her lies or share your personal info to fellow colleagues, the majority of people won’t believe her.
OP I’m so sorry you are dealing with this mess. You aren’t naive and damn, you didn’t deserve that. Sending big hugs.
I’ve been really burnt by toxic people (women unfortunately) posing as friends in the workplace.
I don’t have any easy answers because honestly I don’t think those people are fixable. As an oversharer myself (well really someone who used to be very trusting and open) these days I save that for my counsellor/therapist (or even a diary) so that 1) I’m not burdening others with my problems and 2) I can focus on fun stuff with friends.
Unfortunately despite so much of the population struggling with mental health most Western society is not particularly focussed on genuine support and connection and in my experience far too many people will use your vulnerability against you. I wish it was different.
If their avoiding you the problem is solved even if temporary but it doesn’t sound like they have it all together so I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up losing the job or quiting.
I struggle with boundaries and co-dependence. For many years all my friends were like broken little birds I wanted to nurse back to health in my mind. I don’t think that way anymore but I definitely still attract people who have a lot of issues or need help. I’m generally helpful and friendly and I have to hold back because shit like what happened to you happened to me many times in the past.
So…I guess I’m saying it can happen to all of us. Sorry it happened to you.
OP – first, I’m sorry for your losses.
I just had a friendship with a similar personality implode. I have spent the past few weeks feeling embarrassed, angry, and heartbroken.
I don’t have any good advice – but I do have sympathy and empathy for what you’re going through. You did nothing wrong – you just wanted a friend. That’s okay.
Own up to what personal information you have shared with her as soon as you can – I had the super fun conversation with my direct supervisor about having done porn in the past and the likelihood she might be emailed some of my work. She wasn’t angry with me – she was horrified for me, and my job is safe. No one can hold anything you are honest about against you in the long term. Do everything you do out in the open – and if you can’t be open about it, don’t do it or don’t tell a soul what you did.
Anyone who is shit talking others will shit talk you.
I’ve grown to be a cynical bastard and it has served me well.
I have a “friend” with some mental stuff going on. She rarely takes her meds and is constantly weaving stories where she is the victim, then 3 months later she tells the story again and now it’s more neutral, 6 months later and the story is she was the villain all along.
Trust no one, and keep people at a distance for a loooong time until they prove they aren’t batshit.
I’ll also say avoid people who overshare and info dump, it’s an indicator for poor judgement and needless BS drama.
Is it naivety or is it that you took a chance and it didn’t work out?
There are a lot of unhealed people in the world and sometimes it takes a minute to see through their masks. If she wasn’t showing any telltale signs or behaviors, how would you have known? Sometimes we meet people when they’re at rock bottom, but they’re still good people. Sometimes we meet people at their best, but then they show themselves to be bad people. It’s hard to tell until you can see patterns – and that takes time.
What happened to you is far from okay, but you didn’t do anything that should evoke feeling ashamed or embarrassed. You didn’t assume things about her and gave her a chance. Unfortunately, she repaid you with very unhealthy behavior and showed you who she is.
Her behavior (and her partner’s) is so unkind. If you have concerns about her chronic lying coming to bite you, speak candidly with your boss. You may want to document all that happened (personally or through HR) to CYA. It might be good to say something to have it on the record, but leave it there unless she does bleed this behavior into your work life.
You sound like a kind soul and have been dealing with heavy trauma. Good on you for taking a chance. I hope the next time you do so you’ll have much better results.
I feel you. About to turn 41 in a few days and I’m still susceptible to being “adopted” by chatty extroverts because I don’t like to reject people. I’ve been unwittingly dragged into other people’s drama so many times. And at this point, I’m better at drawing boundaries… but I still don’t really know how NOT to simply go to the other extreme and just be really isolated.
Anyway, I get it gworl. It’s hard to be a trusting person who wants to give people the benefit of the doubt. Finding friends as you get older is so fucking hard. You’re not alone 💙