Part of me thinks I just need to vent about this, but another part of me is genuinely scared and doesn’t know what to do. I’m not here to be told “just leave him.” When at the end of the day I care so much for this kind person I grew to love so deeply. But here it goes…
My (24F) partner (28m) told me last night he wants to move out and take a break.
We moved in in March. We had been together for a year now. We were happy, he loved me, I loved him. Our chemistry was always amazing. Then two weeks ago it was like a switch turned off in his brain. I can’t explain it, he just became so distant and cold towards me. I begged him to talk to me about what was wrong. He said he was stressed about work and losing his job due ti the tariffs, and that this all just happened way quicker than he was able to process and it was just now hitting him.
I gave him some space because he asked for some, and I thought maybe things were getting better. Another week went by and I could tell things were still off, I asked how he was feeling. He told me everything would be okay, and that we would be okay. It didn’t feel that way though, his words didn’t change his actions.
Monday I sat down and told him if he wasn’t feeling our relationship, then I couldn’t keep him here. I said that if he wasn’t happy here then he was allowed to move out and we could figure things out. Or, we could try to work things out together.
I immediately regretted this. It made no sense, how was he expected to move out and continue things together, if he couldn’t handle living together for a month then how would we ever progress our relationship further in the future?
Last night when he said this it broke me. He seemed equally upset, but mostly because he knew he was hurting me. I’ve never loved someone like him, he’s always put a smile on my face. We have so many obscure interests in common, and our personal interests have become important to one another.
I tried to explain to him why moving out seemed pointless. I asked if he still loved me or cared, and he said yes. He just was feeling claustrophobic and he needed time and space to work on himself. He wanted to go on a break. I have a problem with this, as I met him when he was on a break from his previous relationship. I know, it’s messy sounding….
I left and went to my friends to let him think over everything he said to me. I cried and cried because i just want him to stay. I came home later and asked if we could talk more. I told him if he cared and wanted to continue this relationship then it couldn’t happen if he moved out because this would just become a problem again if we ever tried to live together again. His suggestion “no, cuz we could have a bigger space.” I don’t believe any amount of space is going to be the resolution we need. I told him if he wanted to be in this relationship then he needs to try and stick this out till the end of may, we would go to couples counseling, and we can schedule days where either one of us is not home to give the other person the space they may need.
At first he accepted that this was all his fault, he should have handled things differently, he should have been a better communicator. He wanted to move in because it would make me happy. But shortly after This then turned into an argument almost. He said everything else is secondary to him and how he is feeling. He didn’t seem regretful anymore in the things he was saying to me, he seemed heartless.
He will be out of town this weekend to visit a friend and talk to him about what’s going on. I am so broken over this. I cared so much, I took a lot of chances on things for him. I was looking forward to the summer we had planned. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong for telling him if he moved out then things were done. I don’t know what is going to happen, I just don’t know what to do or say. I’m just at such a loss.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Part of me thinks I just need to vent about this, but another part of me is genuinely scared and doesn’t know what to do. I’m not here to be told “just leave him.” When at the end of the day I care so much for this kind person I grew to love so deeply. But here it goes…
My (24F) partner (28m) told me last night he wants to move out and take a break.
We moved in in March. We had been together for a year now. We were happy, he loved me, I loved him. Our chemistry was always amazing. Then two weeks ago it was like a switch turned off in his brain. I can’t explain it, he just became so distant and cold towards me. I begged him to talk to me about what was wrong. He said he was stressed about work and losing his job due ti the tariffs, and that this all just happened way quicker than he was able to process and it was just now hitting him.
I gave him some space because he asked for some, and I thought maybe things were getting better. Another week went by and I could tell things were still off, I asked how he was feeling. He told me everything would be okay, and that we would be okay. It didn’t feel that way though, his words didn’t change his actions.
Monday I sat down and told him if he wasn’t feeling our relationship, then I couldn’t keep him here. I said that if he wasn’t happy here then he was allowed to move out and we could figure things out. Or, we could try to work things out together.
I immediately regretted this. It made no sense, how was he expected to move out and continue things together, if he couldn’t handle living together for a month then how would we ever progress our relationship further in the future?
Last night when he said this it broke me. He seemed equally upset, but mostly because he knew he was hurting me. I’ve never loved someone like him, he’s always put a smile on my face. We have so many obscure interests in common, and our personal interests have become important to one another.
I tried to explain to him why moving out seemed pointless. I asked if he still loved me or cared, and he said yes. He just was feeling claustrophobic and he needed time and space to work on himself. He wanted to go on a break. I have a problem with this, as I met him when he was on a break from his previous relationship. I know, it’s messy sounding….
I left and went to my friends to let him think over everything he said to me. I cried and cried because i just want him to stay. I came home later and asked if we could talk more. I told him if he cared and wanted to continue this relationship then it couldn’t happen if he moved out because this would just become a problem again if we ever tried to live together again. His suggestion “no, cuz we could have a bigger space.” I don’t believe any amount of space is going to be the resolution we need. I told him if he wanted to be in this relationship then he needs to try and stick this out till the end of may, we would go to couples counseling, and we can schedule days where either one of us is not home to give the other person the space they may need.
At first he accepted that this was all his fault, he should have handled things differently, he should have been a better communicator. He wanted to move in because it would make me happy. But shortly after This then turned into an argument almost. He said everything else is secondary to him and how he is feeling. He didn’t seem regretful anymore in the things he was saying to me, he seemed heartless.
He will be out of town this weekend to visit a friend and talk to him about what’s going on. I am so broken over this. I cared so much, I took a lot of chances on things for him. I was looking forward to the summer we had planned. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong for telling him if he moved out then things were done. I don’t know what is going to happen, I just don’t know what to do or say. I’m just at such a loss.
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I don’t think you understand. Just because you don’t want to give up doesn’t mean it’s not already over.
It takes two to have a relationship, if this man has already checked out there’s pretty much nothing you can do. Begging him to stay definitely won’t help.
Get yourself in counseling so you can start to process your feelings.
One and a half pages of solid text? No chance I’m reading that. Please use paragraphs.
It is super hard to know what is going on with him. I could speculate all day, but the truth is, without therapy, he may not even know either.
Since his behavior seems unrelated to your relationship, at least based on the very limited information you’ve provided, my suggestion would be to encourage him to do individual therapy, but if he isn’t open to that, couples therapy is a start. Without it, my hunch is that this guy won’t be able to maintain a live-in relationship.
He is just repeating his patterns. He met someone new while he’s on a break again. He’s going to spend time with that person this weekend. The relationship is already over, I’m sorry.
You can’t make someone stay, you have to let them stay, or let them go. If they stay and you want them to, great. If they go, the healthy thing for you is to move on. Sorry.