Almost two years ago, my (24F) ex (29M), let’s call him Matt broke up with me. And even though it was truly the best thing to happen to me, I feel like I’ve never fully recovered.
Matt and I met online. I hadn’t dated seriously before, so when our first date started at 7PM and ended at 4AM, just talking and connecting, I thought this was it. We had amazing dates after that: trips downtown to the Christmas market, lunch dates before his night shifts, walks, and movie nights at home. He introduced me to his friends early on.
We became official within a month, and two weeks after that he told me he loved me. I was so excited I said it back. I truly believed this was it.
After Christmas, Matt got a high-paying job five hours away, but he promised to drive home every weekend, and he did. It felt like something out of a movie. I traveled to him sometimes, but he mostly came home because I had work commitments that needed reliable Wi-Fi (which he didn’t have where he lived).
Around this time, Matt made it clear he wanted to buy a house again. (He had owned one with an ex before because her family helped financially.) He asked me to move in with him. I offered to pay a portion of the mortgage as rent, but after talking to my parents, I started thinking maybe I should buy something with Matt instead of paying someone else’s mortgage. Even though it sounds crazy now, I had only known him for a few months, and I was so in love. We both agreed to look for a place together.
By May, we had bought a house. We spent two months planning furniture, appliances, and even our future. We moved in June, and the first week was pure bliss. Living together felt like a dream.
Then Matt got a job offer back home, meaning he’d be around every night, but things changed. He would come home looking miserable, barely talking to me. I’m from a big, loud family; I love chatting about my day. But Matt, despite coming from a big family too, just wanted silence. I’d be excited he was home, and he’d grunt and give me a quick peck. Our intimacy felt transactional.
Anytime I tried to talk about my needs—wanting to feel loved, heard, and wanted—he would turn it around and attack me for small things: forgetting to close the butter lid, not putting the toilet seat down, and being messy (I have ADHD, so some of those things are real, but they weren’t the point). He was always on the defense.
I lost myself trying to get him to hear me. Crying, screaming, begging—things I’m not proud of. He never hit me, but emotionally, he drained me. I couldn’t express anything without ending up the “bad guy.” I gave everything to him, and he made me feel like I wasn’t enough.
Living 30 minutes away from my friends and family isolated me even more. He would criticize my parents, my job (I worked for my family’s business), and when I decided to pursue my real estate license, he didn’t support that either. But at the time, I didn’t recognize how much he was isolating and controlling me. He made all the money, I barely had any, and my world shrank down to him.
Things really crumbled when Matt was assigned to overnight shifts in March. He spiraled into a severe depression. I had to call his parents to intervene. He took two months off work, but during that time, I paid all the bills and drained my savings. He slept all day, refused to do anything, and withdrew from me completely.
We still went on a pre-planned trip to the Dominican Republic during this time, but he barely smiled or spoke to me. He would only come alive when strangers were around. Otherwise, it was brutal.
After returning, things seemed to get a bit better. He got a doctor’s note asking for daytime work for his mental health, and I thought maybe we were healing. But honestly, I was miserable and exhausted and didn’t even know why.
In September, he decided he wanted a commuter car. I barely had any money left, but Matt was paying most bills, so if he wanted a car, I couldn’t really argue. He bought a brand-new car. Two weeks later, he called me at work and said, “I don’t think we can afford the house anymore.”
I lost it. Why buy a car if we couldn’t afford our mortgage?! It was so reckless. We fought constantly, and about a week later, he officially ended things.
At first, the breakup was amicable and supportive. He knew I was losing everything — my home, my relationship, and my financial stability. But when I said I wasn’t going to sell our house in a terrible market (I would rather rent it out), he flipped. Suddenly I was “the most evil person he had ever met,” and he “wished he never met me.”
He would still call and text, acting like maybe we’d get back together, or he’d want to meet up just for sex—total emotional whiplash.
He made me feel like I was the villain. Meanwhile, he made the reckless financial decisions. He isolated me from my support system. He left me drained emotionally. In therapy, I’ve come to accept that what I experienced was emotional abuse during and after the relationship.
It’s been almost two years now. I’ve healed a lot. I have my family and my friends, and I’m building my own life. But even now… I still dream about him sometimes, panic when I see a car that resembles him, and hate driving near my old house. I don’t know if it’s trauma or if a part of me just misses him, even though I’ve moved on from him too.
I have an amazing boyfriend now too – lets call him Cody, who’s 27 – and we’ve known each other for 13 years. He’s my best friend, kind and someone who supports and loves me in ways I never knew I deserved. He helps me understand my ADHD and even sets up things to help me be successful. He’s shown me what a true relationship is supposed to feel like, and I am so grateful for him.
But because of everything I went through with my ex, sometimes I feel like I’m not fully present with Cody, especially when it comes to intimacy. I spent so long feeling like sex was transactional that now, even though I’m safe, it’s hard for me to let go of that feeling. Cody is so sweet and understanding, but I never want him to feel unwanted the way I once did.
How do I let go of the man who destroyed parts of my inner self so that I can be the best version of me for the one who shows me so much love and builds me up?
*Note: this is my first time ever writing something like this. I’m very new to Reddit.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Almost two years ago, my (24F) ex (29M), let’s call him Matt broke up with me. And even though it was truly the best thing to happen to me, I feel like I’ve never fully recovered.
Matt and I met online. I hadn’t dated seriously before, so when our first date started at 7PM and ended at 4AM, just talking and connecting, I thought this was it. We had amazing dates after that: trips downtown to the Christmas market, lunch dates before his night shifts, walks, and movie nights at home. He introduced me to his friends early on.
We became official within a month, and two weeks after that he told me he loved me. I was so excited I said it back. I truly believed this was it.
After Christmas, Matt got a high-paying job five hours away, but he promised to drive home every weekend, and he did. It felt like something out of a movie. I traveled to him sometimes, but he mostly came home because I had work commitments that needed reliable Wi-Fi (which he didn’t have where he lived).
Around this time, Matt made it clear he wanted to buy a house again. (He had owned one with an ex before because her family helped financially.) He asked me to move in with him. I offered to pay a portion of the mortgage as rent, but after talking to my parents, I started thinking maybe I should buy something with Matt instead of paying someone else’s mortgage. Even though it sounds crazy now, I had only known him for a few months, and I was so in love. We both agreed to look for a place together.
By May, we had bought a house. We spent two months planning furniture, appliances, and even our future. We moved in June, and the first week was pure bliss. Living together felt like a dream.
Then Matt got a job offer back home, meaning he’d be around every night, but things changed. He would come home looking miserable, barely talking to me. I’m from a big, loud family; I love chatting about my day. But Matt, despite coming from a big family too, just wanted silence. I’d be excited he was home, and he’d grunt and give me a quick peck. Our intimacy felt transactional.
Anytime I tried to talk about my needs—wanting to feel loved, heard, and wanted—he would turn it around and attack me for small things: forgetting to close the butter lid, not putting the toilet seat down, and being messy (I have ADHD, so some of those things are real, but they weren’t the point). He was always on the defense.
I lost myself trying to get him to hear me. Crying, screaming, begging—things I’m not proud of. He never hit me, but emotionally, he drained me. I couldn’t express anything without ending up the “bad guy.” I gave everything to him, and he made me feel like I wasn’t enough.
Living 30 minutes away from my friends and family isolated me even more. He would criticize my parents, my job (I worked for my family’s business), and when I decided to pursue my real estate license, he didn’t support that either. But at the time, I didn’t recognize how much he was isolating and controlling me. He made all the money, I barely had any, and my world shrank down to him.
Things really crumbled when Matt was assigned to overnight shifts in March. He spiraled into a severe depression. I had to call his parents to intervene. He took two months off work, but during that time, I paid all the bills and drained my savings. He slept all day, refused to do anything, and withdrew from me completely.
We still went on a pre-planned trip to the Dominican Republic during this time, but he barely smiled or spoke to me. He would only come alive when strangers were around. Otherwise, it was brutal.
After returning, things seemed to get a bit better. He got a doctor’s note asking for daytime work for his mental health, and I thought maybe we were healing. But honestly, I was miserable and exhausted and didn’t even know why.
In September, he decided he wanted a commuter car. I barely had any money left, but Matt was paying most bills, so if he wanted a car, I couldn’t really argue. He bought a brand-new car. Two weeks later, he called me at work and said, “I don’t think we can afford the house anymore.”
I lost it. Why buy a car if we couldn’t afford our mortgage?! It was so reckless. We fought constantly, and about a week later, he officially ended things.
At first, the breakup was amicable and supportive. He knew I was losing everything — my home, my relationship, and my financial stability. But when I said I wasn’t going to sell our house in a terrible market (I would rather rent it out), he flipped. Suddenly I was “the most evil person he had ever met,” and he “wished he never met me.”
He would still call and text, acting like maybe we’d get back together, or he’d want to meet up just for sex—total emotional whiplash.
He made me feel like I was the villain. Meanwhile, he made the reckless financial decisions. He isolated me from my support system. He left me drained emotionally. In therapy, I’ve come to accept that what I experienced was emotional abuse during and after the relationship.
It’s been almost two years now. I’ve healed a lot. I have my family and my friends, and I’m building my own life. But even now… I still dream about him sometimes, panic when I see a car that resembles him, and hate driving near my old house. I don’t know if it’s trauma or if a part of me just misses him, even though I’ve moved on from him too.
I have an amazing boyfriend now too – lets call him Cody, who’s 27 – and we’ve known each other for 13 years. He’s my best friend, kind and someone who supports and loves me in ways I never knew I deserved. He helps me understand my ADHD and even sets up things to help me be successful. He’s shown me what a true relationship is supposed to feel like, and I am so grateful for him.
But because of everything I went through with my ex, sometimes I feel like I’m not fully present with Cody, especially when it comes to intimacy. I spent so long feeling like sex was transactional that now, even though I’m safe, it’s hard for me to let go of that feeling. Cody is so sweet and understanding, but I never want him to feel unwanted the way I once did.
How do I let go of the man who destroyed parts of my inner self so that I can be the best version of me for the one who shows me so much love and builds me up?
*Note: this is my first time ever writing something like this. I’m very new to Reddit.
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I’m going to be 100% honest. You shouldn’t be in a relationship until you’ve healed/moved on from your ex.
Have you tried counselling?
Continue to go through therapy. I felt the same early on in my current relationship immediately following a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. We worked together, talked a lot about things like my triggers and situations that make me uncomfortable, he supported and reassured me, we got through it, now we’re happily married and together nearly 10 years. Put your energy into making him feel loved and appreciated, and let yourself let go of the past, taking what you can learn from it and remembering that you’re a survivor! It takes time to heal.
ETA: your trauma is part of you, but your trauma is NOT who you are.
You need therapy before another relationship. Either Cody is a nice guy and shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of your last relationship, or he’s hiding his true colors until you’re enmeshed. You don’t know which, yet, because your judgement is skewed. The only way to proceed is with therapy and time.
Therapy!
Just wondering if OP knows what it’s like to have severe depression. Staying in bed, refusing to do anything, not wanting to talk are all symptoms that come with severe depression but it seems OP has no idea or had any empathy while her partner was going through this.