I (37F) have a best friend (37F), we’ve been best friends for 29 years. We’ve been best friends since we were eight. We were neighbors during childhood. So we’ve gone through everything together. Childhood. Higschool. Parties. Mistakes. College. Young marriages. Surprise pregnancies, and lots of life. We also went through divorces together. For context, her divorce was due to infidelity on her ex-husband’s part. Mine was due to alcoholism on my ex-husband’s part. It was just a coincidence that it was within a year of each other. This led to a lot of crying together and lot of healing together, and we re-entered the dating world around the same time. The next couple of years were full of a lot of fun and tough lessons about relationships and partnerships and dating and love. This was stuff we spoke about constantly and had learned a lot of great/important lessons.
She met a boy and dated him for a year. He wasn’t the one, nobody loved him, but we let her work through it. Definitely had some serious conversations, but trusted her to make the right choice for herself. She does finally break up with him and is in a very peaceful place. Within a week she goes on first date with a new guy. A set up through mutual friends (38M). She felt like it was too soon, but also wanted to just get back out there. They’ve now been dating five weeks and are engaged, to be married to summer. In total, they will have been together approximately three months before they’re fully married. I’ve only met him once. He does seem by all accounts to be a good man.
This just feels insanely fast and insanely irresponsible. They both have two children each from their prior marriages, ranging in ages 9 to 14. I genuinely don’t understand what the rush is. The only context I can provide is that they both leaned heavily into their Christian faith post divorce, and I think that maybe accelerating the timeline for different reasons? If you ask them, why they’re moving by so fast they will just say that they are in love.
How do I strike a balance between honesty and tough love and support for my best friend? What do I say? Do?
TL;DR my best friend is marrying a man that she’s known for five weeks and I don’t know what to do.
Comments
Youre 37.
Let her make her own decisions, she is a grown ass woman and just hope for the best for your friend.
Don’t judge, you will lose the friendship, just stand by to help when it goes bad
She’s an adult who is making a big mistake, or maybe she’s found the person she’s been searching for her whole life. There’s nothing you can do but support her in case this all goes as bad as you think it will. If you’re vocally opposed, she’ll probably cut you out.
sometimes you gotta be the one to make stupid mistakes so you can learn from them. just be there for her 🙂
A run of the mill friend wouldn’t say anything. A best friend would sit them down, explain this is a safe space and that if it were you in this position you would hope someone cared the same about you to have a difficult conversation.
Explain your concerns in a non-judgemental way, that they’re coming from a place of love, list reasons why you hold these concerns and wait for their response.
Ultimately you can’t force someone to conform to your opinion but by explaining your concerns at least that person knows deep down you’re in their corner if it should fall to shit (which is a high chance it very well could).
I think you already have your answer. They both are into the christian faith and both adults. It’s fast yes, but it is their choice in the end.
I’d just support your friend while getting to know her fiance better! It is possible to fall in love quickly (especially with the life experiences of past relationships under her belt, including a previous marriage). She knows what she wants and she’s found it – so why wait?!
My husband says he knew he wanted to marry me from the day we first met! We got engaged after dating for a few months (not a few weeks, but we were both younger). We’ve been happily married for over 25 years. When you know you know. Trust your friend’s judgment. If you have other reasons to feel like you do (other than the short time frame), then trust your female intuition and talk to your friend.
All you can do is tell her honestly that you think she’s moving way too fast; then you support her decision whether you agree with it or not, because you’re her best friend, not her keeper. Be there for her, whether this works out amazingly well (I agree that’s unlikely, but who knows?) or she’s got another divorce under her belt inside the next two years. Maybe ask her how her kids feel about all this, about the new guy, maybe suggest they try living together for awhile first, but ultimately just promise to be there for her and follow through. (And if it goes badly, never say “I told you so”.)