Why do some people marry people with kids and then refuse to to do anything with them, or worse try and get them out of the picture. It seems dumb that someone would try and destroy a parent/child relationship when they could just find someone without children.
(Asking after listening to potentially ex acquaintance rage about possible break up after to telling her partner she didn’t want his kid in their house after the wedding.)
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They think the parent will choose them over the kid(s) and get mad when they don’t.
Oof if you find the answer let me know. What did your friend say when you asked?
As a single-mom, I’ve made it a rule to myself that while it would be nice if my future husband would want to be a step-dad to my daughter, I wouldn’t expect it of him. I’m happy and able to parent my child myself but would appreciate the help.
That said, if anyone tries to push my daughter out of the picture, then he’s going to be the one who has to leave.
>Why do some people marry people with kids and then refuse to to do anything with them, or worse try and get them out of the picture. It seems dumb that someone would try and destroy a parent/child relationship when they could just find someone without children.
>(Asking after listening to potentially ex acquaintance rage about possible break up after to telling her partner she didn’t want his kid in their house after the wedding.)
Depends on what you’re talking about. Do you mean people with unrealistic expectations, like thinking they can ignore a 5-year-old who lives in the house half the time? That’s messed up and the person with the kid should make better decisions.
But I’ve heard more than one horror story of people who have grown kids marrying someone and then the kids, their kids, etc., start moving back in and treating the spouse like shit and the money starts going toward the adult kids… there’s a line between of course you’ll always be there for your kids if they need you and realizing your spouse is actually a doormat going to let their kids get away with whatever.
It really is highly situational, and depends how old the kids are, if the other parent is still highly involved etc.
I think it’s *extremely* rare that someone marries someone with a kid then attempts to destroy the relationship between the parent and child.
No idea….my mom chose to marry someone who “didn’t want kids” & thought “children should be seen and not heard” when I was like 5. Thankfully it only lasted a couple years. It’s more confusing to me that the person with the kid is fine with continuing a relationship with the single person once they find out that info.
Aint it stupid?Of course you have to be some kind of parent.
Some parents do not establish any extra special responsibilities to their new partners as a prerequisite for marriage.
The fairytale Cinderella illustrates this situation. It’s a tale as old as time.
The reason people do this is, children “cost” resources – time, money, effort, emotional spoons, practical physical tasks – and if resources need to be shared, the individual step-parent will receive fewer of the overall resources.
Cinderalla doesn’t get new dresses or a bed or nice food, because if she misses out, the new step-mother and her own two bio daughters will get more resources. Step-mother is evolutionarily programmed to direct resources to herself and her bio offspring – watch what birds do in the wild, they go source food and bring it back to only their young, they don’t put effort and risk getting food for any other bird’s babies.
I find it unfathomable, too. I do see that it is not easy to find someone you could fall in love with. I have had two friends confide in me that they are in love with a parent and are trying to convince them to give up access to their children because the children will get in the way of the romance/future life together. They both reasoned that the children would be better off without them anyway, and the romantic interest was stupid and selfish for not seeing it their way.
Both of these friends, I immediately stopped being friends with after the confession. I found this thought process abhorrent and lost all respect for the ex-friends. Both romantic interests chose their children, thankfully.
It can be a fine line! You want to be taken seriously, but not be too disciplinary. You kinda just want to play with them and do fun things all the time, but a healthy balance of responsibility comes into play. Hopefully your relationship with the ex is amicable, but sometimes that’s not the case, and that can cause problems. I had one experience where this child (who had several behavioral issues) really seemed to want to drive us (me in the step parent role, no marriage) apart…and it was a strange thing to deal with.
i mean this is a specific case, but i’ve seen narcissists want to play the “perfect partner” to their spouse (“oh of course; i love children!”), but then secretly hate them and view them as competition. They will use the children like pawns to gain favor and attention from their spouse. So for this type of person, marrying a person with children is sort of an enticing challenge.
Yea plenty of dumb mfs out there. Alot of people that shouldn’t have children either.
Strange world, isn’t it?
When my dad married my mom (I was 8-10ish)
He filled out the adoption papers at the same time.
My sister and I also got the last name.
We didn’t use “step” at home. He never said step even when we were doing stupid shit. And we just called him dad because he was.
He had the preacher say “who gives this FAMILY to this man” at the wedding instead of woman.
And now, years later, I became a dad to 2 kiddos when they were 1&2.
They are my kids. They call me dad because they decided to call me dad. I EARNED it. Just like he did.
Dating a mom is deciding you are ready to accept a certain level of responsibility. Every dynamic will be different.
Kids age, moms level of trust in you, other parents in picture…
But you WILL be a part of the kids life. Or you will hopefully be replaced by mom. Because the kids come first.
Because they’re selfish narcissists.
I haven’t refused, I just gave up because I was tired of my wife expecting me to lead then questioning every rule I tried to implement. I was also tired of my step kids thinking that rules don’t apply to them and being self-centered, spoiled, egotistical, pretentious trouser stains.
I told my husband that if I died and he married someone like my dad’s wife, I would haunt him to the grave.
You assume all kids want a step parent. My pare both remarried when I was in my 30s. Piss off with your half arsed step parenting.
I am a single dad and if I dated a woman with kids, I would fully expect we would have conversations about the roles we would play in each others’ kid’s lives very early on. I would not be bothered by being a parental figure for her kids, but I also work with kids, so maybe that is a factor. I think some people get really hung up on whether the kids are biologically theirs or not. I don’t know, but I don’t think people should date someone with kids if they are not prepared to have those kids around.
in my opinion anyone who does this, whether you’re the person with the child or the person marrying someone with a child, does it because they’re selfish and care more about having a partner. sometimes there’s specific cases where it’s different, but children will always be effected when their parent marries someone who doesn’t want children. im not a parent but i could never do that to my kids and i could never be with someone who had kids when i don’t want them. i would always feel that it’s not fair or right the children and that children deserve to have adult figures that put their children first, not parents that prioritize having a partner.
I really don’t understand it either. Back when I was still looking for a man (I found one lol) I knew that I didn’t wanna date someone who already had kids. I have no problem with single dads, but I just did NOT wanna deal with that at 20ish years old so I simply wouldn’t have dated one. But if I had been 30+ and just happened to fall in love with a guy with kids, then I’d have stepped up and took on whatever role I needed to. I can’t fathom marrying someone with kids and then being like “Can we just pretend they never happened?” Like WTF.
This has baffled me for a while now too, especially after reading so many AITA stories from all different angles.
If a man only sees his kids on weekends, sometimes it’s okay, but if anything happens to the bio-mom, then he will have the kids 24/7, and their relationship would go south pretty quick.
People who don’t want to help raise children shouldn’t marry anyone with children (at least not children under 15/18 who still need some parenting).
Same people who buy animals and abandon them when they become inconvenient.