[29F] and [30M], married for 4 months
Hi everyone,
I’m struggling with something and would really appreciate hearing if anyone has been through something similar and how you handled it.
I’m a 29-year-old woman. In my marriage, whenever there’s a disagreement or my husband does something that I’ve asked him multiple times not to do, I get extremely hurt and angry. In those moments, I react in a very abusive way — I say deeply hurtful things, body shame him, bring up his past mistakes, and basically try to hurt him because I feel so hurt myself.
In the moment, it feels justified — like if he hurt me (even unintentionally), I have the right to hurt him back. But afterward, I feel deep regret. I know my words are damaging him and damaging our relationship. He’s not a bad person — he’s loyal, he loves me — it’s just certain habits that trigger me deeply.
I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to keep hurting someone I love because I can’t control my emotions. I want to change but I don’t know how to manage the intensity of my feelings in those moments.
Has anyone here experienced something like this? How did you learn to control the urge to lash out? How did you start communicating your hurt without being abusive? Any advice, experiences, or resources would mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for reading.
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tl;dr: I verbally lash out at my husband when I feel hurt. I regret it and want to change. Looking for advice on how to manage my emotions better during arguments.
Comments
It’s quite simple actually.
When your husband do things that you don’t like, it makes you feel abandoned.
So you lash out in defense instead of not giving a shit because it’s not like you can control him.
But you do want to control him because you have trusted him with your future. Hence the feeling of abandonment.
That’s why you feel justified at that time because you are “taking back control” but as time passes, you realise that you didnt take back any control. Because deep down you know, you can’t control someone by being shitty at them and even make things worse.
So how do you fix it,
By having faith in yourself and understanding that you have to control your future yourself because this dude can die tomorrow and it wont be his fault.
Life goes on, it will be alright whatever happens. So there is no point fretting on small things.
Therapy. That urge to hurt comes from somewhere and you need to figure out what it is and process it.
Don’t do it. Say nothing, take a deep breath, and wait a few moments, before you respond. Get out of the conversation for ten minutes or something to calm down, if it’s necessary. You already know it’s “certain habits that trigger [you] deeply”. So, if those habits show, take at least a deep breath, or a ten or twenty minute break. The regret you feel after you lashed out is the return of your brain from fight or flight to normal mode. You need your brain to switch, before you’ve said anything hurtful. If you take a break for a few minutes, your nervous system should cool down, and you’ll be able to rethink what you were gonna say. If you need to leave the room to cool down, try to announce it: I need a few minutes to calm down, I’m going outside now, but I’ll return to this conversation in ten/twenty/thirty minutes.”
You need to research and learn about emotional regulation – you’re devoid of it if you’re saying those kinds of nasty things in an argument.
Lashing out, being aggressive and cruel has no place in an intimate relationship, or in any adult who should know that once things are said – they cannot be taken back.
Cognitive behavioural tools might also work – instead of saying whatever is on that sharp tongue of yours, take a deep breath, go drink a very large glass of water, go outside and walk around for 10 minutes.
Do not use your words as a weapon, especially toward someone who has chosen you to be the person who sees his innermost vulnerabilities. This is such a low brow tactic.
Go read some books, learn about how to articulate your feelings and emotions without being cruel. Understand why your incandescent rage is actually not that thing, it’s something else and you don’t have the words for it yet.
You need therapy if you’re already being verbally abusive 4 months in. I presume this has been going on longer than the 4 months of marriage? You owe it to your partner to learn some anger management strategies to prevent this. But most of all, if you love your partner, you should be aware of how hurtful such things would be, which would help stop you from saying them. If you can’t do that – therapy.
I remember how badly it hurt when my ex did the same to me when I was trying to have a discussion with him. I wouldn’t want me to hear those things, and I definitely don’t want my partner to either. Cruelty serves nothing. It only makes things worse.
Adjusting from toxicity is common. A lot of people come from this sort of space and it isn’t easy to move past. If you find yourself still wanting to cause emotional damage, you need therapy instead of a relationship. Nobody stable wants to hurt their partner. There’s nothing wrong with staying single while you address this. If you want long-term happiness, it is pretty crucial.
It’s wildly fucking unfair. You’ve asked him to stop doing things that hurt you and you have to be the bigger one? You have to have ultimate control when your partner has NONE?
I’ve dealt with the same thing. I guess the way I look at it is I want to be proud of myself. If I can look back at all my behavior and feel good, that’s for me. In those moments, I try to channel future me. It does not always work. But I try.
You have to come up with an agreed set of rules when you aren’t angry (“No interrupting, no bringing up past arguments, etc.”). And then you sometimes still have to ask your person to follow the plan. Some people achieve this through couples counseling, but that isn’t available to everyone. There are also books or DIY.
And then, with some partners, you have to leave. After a certain period of time, you’ve got to admit no change will occur and that you don’t like who you are with them. Hopefully there is a lot of time and effort between this paragraph and the one above.
You have never had it done to you, have you? Never been abused and put down over a long period of time, have no clue what it does to the soul. You lack empathy and prioritize yourself feeling sadistically satisfied over respecting and being safe for your partner. I do not know what you need, and I don’t care, but your partner needs to leave you. Right now.
Take a big breath in and breathe out slowly. Count to 20 in your head and then say nothing for another moment,
Often people say crap stuff because they don’t know what to say. Say something like , hey I’m
A little disappointed as you agreed to help me and now I feel a bit let down.
Better yet sit down together and have a long and meaningful. Apologies for the cruel remarks. Then ask why he hasn’t done the task. Ask are you being too bosy? . Ask Does he’s feel like equal partners each contributing to the marriage, relationship, housework etc.
Part of me feels sorry for you. Is there more going on here? Is your partner a reluctant contributor ? Are you unhappy in what’s going on? Maybe you are just fed up? Saying cruel things isn’t cool nor can it be justified but is there a bigger issue to cause to all of this?