This one is for the Father Knows Something Crew! Hi all!
There’s a lot of backstory to this — honestly, I could probably write a whole book — so I’m sorry in advance if this is long.
I 32F come from a blended family. I’m the only child between my parents (both 58), but my mom had two sons from a previous marriage and my dad had two daughters from his past relationship.
My dad met his ex, let’s call her M, back in high school. According to him, their relationship was always rocky. They had their first daughter, J (now 38), but broke up not long after. Somewhere in all of this, there was also Y (now 56F), another woman he met in high school — and supposedly, they were “just friends,” though looking back now, I’m not sure how much I believe that. Y was even the godmother to one of my sisters.
When things ended with M, my dad got close to Y for a while. But then Y got heavy into partying and drugs, disappeared from his life regularly. He eventually went back to M for a bit, and their second daughter, R (now 36), was born. But after that, he and M were truly done.
My dad always told me he would go looking for Y at all the old places she used to hang out as “she was the one that got away”, but he never found her. Then, in 1992, while still “looking,” he met my mom. They hit it off right away. My dad stepped up and helped raise my brothers, became a real father to them, married my mom, got a house, and they had me. From the outside, it looked like we had the perfect family.
But Y was never really gone.
To make a long story short, my dad cheated on my mom with Y, and everything came crashing down in 2017. My mom had suspected something for years. The excuse my dad gave was that Y had reached out to him because he might be the father of her severely autistic son 36 (who, if you’re paying attention to the ages, is the same age as my youngest sister). Y said she was “dying of cancer” and wanted to let him know the truth before she died — which turned out to be a lie.
I hate that I defended him at first. I even tried to reason with my mom, saying, “what if you were in her shoes?” I still hate myself for that.
After sneaking around and lying, my dad finally left my mom, moved to Mexico with Y, got engaged, and basically walked away from 25 years of his life like it meant nothing. He didn’t just hurt my mom — he hurt all of us. He was the heart of our family. He raised my brothers like they were his own. We trusted him. We looked up to him. Then he just… left. No real explanation, no apology. He tried reaching out a hand full of times but never stuck to his word. Then, radio silence for years.
It took a long time and a lot of soul-searching, but eventually I decided to move forward and reach out to him. I have my own family now. I didn’t want to carry that hate into my new life. I reconnected with him — not for him, but for me. I want my kids to see that sometimes strength looks like choosing peace, even when you’ve been hurt. I know myself. I know how easy it would be for me to hold a grudge forever and be petty in my reactions. But I chose something different.
Since then, so much has happened to him. He got caught in a propane fire and burned his legs badly. Now he walks with a cane. He got hit by cars twice while walking, one was a hit-and-run. He lost his good job. He was diagnosed with diabetes. And from what I can tell, he’s no longer with Y. I don’t know for sure — it’s just a feeling from little things he’s said.
Now here’s the problem:
My brothers and I aren’t close anymore. When my dad was around, we were tight — always camping, always hanging out, always there for each other. Now? I live in another state, and I’m lucky if we talk once a month. Things haven’t been the same since he left. And my brothers want nothing to do with him — I don’t blame them one bit. I don’t tell my dad anything about them, and I don’t tell them anything about my dad. I keep it short with both parties and just something along the lines of “oh I haven’t talked to _____ in a while but I hear they’re doing good.
But now my dad is demanding a “family meeting.”
He wants me to tell everyone — my brothers, even my mom — that we need to all sit down and have a “talk.” Like we can just pretend the last eight years didn’t happen. Like we can just pick up where we left off. And somehow I’m supposed to be the one to deliver that message.
And honestly, I don’t know what to do.
Part of me feels like maybe if I just arranged the meeting, I could fix something.
But the logical part of me knows it’s not going to fix a damn thing.
As a kid, I was always the mediator. Always stuck in the middle of my parents’ fights. And it feels like my dad is doing the same thing to me now — using me to clean up the mess he made. He’s always had a hold on me where I fear of disappointing him. I am a first generation Latina daughter that he actually raised and have ALWAYS been held to a high standard of his. And god forbid I disrespect him (sarcastic tone). If you know, you know. I want to cut him off so badly. I really do. But then I feel bad, because he has no one. He’s alone. He says this meeting is about his will — that after everything he’s been through, he’s facing his mortality. And maybe that’s true.
But a big part of me feels like he just wants to stir up old emotions in my brothers — and I do not want to be part of that.
All I ever wanted was a cordial relationship. A couple of phone calls here and there. Nothing messy. Nothing heavy.
And now? He’s already reached out to my mom, asking her to help make this meeting happen. She literally laughed, blocked his number, and told me, “You don’t owe him anything.”
And she’s right.
But even knowing that… I still have this horrible internal struggle with myself. I’ve already told him that I don’t want to be in the middle of this and he still tried to say that I won’t be and all he wants is for my brothers to “get over this already and move on”. What do I do? How do I approach a conversation with him about this if I already know he’s going to play the victim and act like he’s owed this?
One last thing that’s important to add:
My sisters — the daughters he had before me — drifted away when I was a little kid. I was too young to understand what happened. As an adult, I got back in touch with them. Before my parents split, I even arranged a reunion with my dad. It seemed promising at first. But when they saw the full scope of who he really was, they cut him off again — and they cut me off too. I became collateral damage just for still being in his life.
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Backup of the post’s body: This one is for the Father Knows Best Crew! Hi all!
There’s a lot of backstory to this — honestly, I could probably write a whole book — so I’m sorry in advance if this is long.
I 32F come from a blended family. I’m the only child between my parents (both 58), but my mom had two sons from a previous marriage and my dad had two daughters from his past relationship.
My dad met his ex, let’s call her M, back in high school. According to him, their relationship was always rocky. They had their first daughter, J (now 38), but broke up not long after. Somewhere in all of this, there was also Y (now 56F), another woman he met in high school — and supposedly, they were “just friends,” though looking back now, I’m not sure how much I believe that. Y was even the godmother to one of my sisters.
When things ended with M, my dad got close to Y for a while. But then Y got heavy into partying and drugs, disappeared from his life regularly. He eventually went back to M for a bit, and their second daughter, R (now 36), was born. But after that, he and M were truly done.
My dad always told me he would go looking for Y at all the old places she used to hang out as “she was the one that got away”, but he never found her. Then, in 1992, while still “looking,” he met my mom. They hit it off right away. My dad stepped up and helped raise my brothers, became a real father to them, married my mom, got a house, and they had me. From the outside, it looked like we had the perfect family.
But Y was never really gone.
To make a long story short, my dad cheated on my mom with Y, and everything came crashing down in 2017. My mom had suspected something for years. The excuse my dad gave was that Y had reached out to him because he might be the father of her severely autistic son 36 (who, if you’re paying attention to the ages, is the same age as my youngest sister). Y said she was “dying of cancer” and wanted to let him know the truth before she died — which turned out to be a lie.
I hate that I defended him at first. I even tried to reason with my mom, saying, “what if you were in her shoes?” I still hate myself for that.
After sneaking around and lying, my dad finally left my mom, moved to Mexico with Y, got engaged, and basically walked away from 25 years of his life like it meant nothing. He didn’t just hurt my mom — he hurt all of us. He was the heart of our family. He raised my brothers like they were his own. We trusted him. We looked up to him. Then he just… left. No real explanation, no apology. He tried reaching out a hand full of times but never stuck to his word. Then, radio silence for years.
It took a long time and a lot of soul-searching, but eventually I decided to move forward and reach out to him. I have my own family now. I didn’t want to carry that hate into my new life. I reconnected with him — not for him, but for me. I want my kids to see that sometimes strength looks like choosing peace, even when you’ve been hurt. I know myself. I know how easy it would be for me to hold a grudge forever and be petty in my reactions. But I chose something different.
Since then, so much has happened to him. He got caught in a propane fire and burned his legs badly. Now he walks with a cane. He got hit by cars twice while walking, one was a hit-and-run. He lost his good job. He was diagnosed with diabetes. And from what I can tell, he’s no longer with Y. I don’t know for sure — it’s just a feeling from little things he’s said.
Now here’s the problem:
My brothers and I aren’t close anymore. When my dad was around, we were tight — always camping, always hanging out, always there for each other. Now? I live in another state, and I’m lucky if we talk once a month. Things haven’t been the same since he left. And my brothers want nothing to do with him — I don’t blame them one bit. I don’t tell my dad anything about them, and I don’t tell them anything about my dad. I keep it short with both parties and just something along the lines of “oh I haven’t talked to _____ in a while but I hear they’re doing good.
But now my dad is demanding a “family meeting.”
He wants me to tell everyone — my brothers, even my mom — that we need to all sit down and have a “talk.” Like we can just pretend the last eight years didn’t happen. Like we can just pick up where we left off. And somehow I’m supposed to be the one to deliver that message.
And honestly, I don’t know what to do.
Part of me feels like maybe if I just arranged the meeting, I could fix something.
But the logical part of me knows it’s not going to fix a damn thing.
As a kid, I was always the mediator. Always stuck in the middle of my parents’ fights. And it feels like my dad is doing the same thing to me now — using me to clean up the mess he made. He’s always had a hold on me where I fear of disappointing him. I am a first generation Latina daughter that he actually raised and have ALWAYS been held to a high standard of his. And god forbid I disrespect him (sarcastic tone). If you know, you know. I want to cut him off so badly. I really do. But then I feel bad, because he has no one. He’s alone. He says this meeting is about his will — that after everything he’s been through, he’s facing his mortality. And maybe that’s true.
But a big part of me feels like he just wants to stir up old emotions in my brothers — and I do not want to be part of that.
All I ever wanted was a cordial relationship. A couple of phone calls here and there. Nothing messy. Nothing heavy.
And now? He’s already reached out to my mom, asking her to help make this meeting happen. She literally laughed, blocked his number, and told me, “You don’t owe him anything.”
And she’s right.
But even knowing that… I still have this horrible internal struggle with myself. I’ve already told him that I don’t want to be in the middle of this and he still tried to say that I won’t be and all he wants is for my brothers to “get over this already and move on”. What do I do? How do I approach a conversation with him about this if I already know he’s going to play the victim and act like he’s owed this?
One last thing that’s important to add:
My sisters — the daughters he had before me — drifted away when I was a little kid. I was too young to understand what happened. As an adult, I got back in touch with them. Before my parents split, I even arranged a reunion with my dad. It seemed promising at first. But when they saw the full scope of who he really was, they cut him off again — and they cut me off too. I became collateral damage just for still being in his life.
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