Apologies for the length, it’s more of a rant and I don’t have girlfriends I feel comfortable sharing this with.. also let me know if there’s a better sub to post this.
I feel awful about this and just so confused about my marriage. My (33F) husband (35M) and I have been married for 3 years together 11 and we have sex on average once a month. I hate how I’ve been feeling lately about our relationship but it’s just so monotonous..? I saw something that resonated with me that said “He’s not cheating, but there’s no flowers, no surprises, no dates unless you almost beg for them. Truth is, LAZINESS can slowly kill love.” I think that pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately.
A little about us..
Our communication/friendship –
I’m not sure if we have a friendship. He doesn’t really talk unless I start the conversation. He’s definitely an introvert but.. I’m a pretty anxious person overall but around my people I blossom. I feel like I’m constantly trying to make him laugh, respond to him in his “love languages”. I feel so bad for even writing this but – he’s f**king BORING. He doesn’t even TRY to make me laugh, start an interesting conversation or anything with me. I told him yesterday I think it’s pretty messed up that I force myself to watch sports games with him & learn golf but he doesn’t take interest in the things I like to do. He’s perfectly fine playing video games from 8am to 8pm. And would jump to his toes if his friends asked him to go play golf or something.
Our careers –
We both work in corporate and each make > $150k. He’s full time in the office, I’m hybrid but I only go in about once a month.
Kids-
We don’t have any kids but we recently bought a house that’s big enough for kids if we want. We (mostly him) even call one of the empty rooms “the nursery”. he’s talked about wanting kids and we recently had a real discussion about having them and some of the questions I asked, he was unable to answer. For example- do you want kids? “Him – yes. Me – why?” And he can’t answer. I told him I’m happy now, if I never had kids I’d be fine. But I’m also open to kids if that’s what you want.
Chores –
Even though I have a pretty mentally draining career, and we make around the same amount of money I still end up doing all of the household chores. You guys he doesn’t do ANYTHING unless I ask him to or we get in an argument about it. It’s so frustrating because he swears he cleans and I’m like are you serious?? We’ve been in our new home for a year & he’s cleaned our primary bathroom once. And by “cleaned” I mean he put toilet cleaner in the toilet bowl and scrubbed it with the brush and called it a day. His parents recently came to our house and we needed to clean. We also needed to water/fertilized our shrubs in the front yard. I washed dishes scrubbed counters cleaned the bathroom took the trash out swept, vacuumed & mopped all around 4ish hours AND I prepped a charcuterie board and put up a happy birthday sign and balloons. Meanwhile he was watering the f***ing plants the whole time.
Cooking –
I cook all the time. If I don’t cook, we don’t eat. And you guys, he really won’t eat. When I first moved in with him he was stick & bones. Like sickly, now he has a decent weight, but he still has this starvation mentality. I will say he has NEVER asked me to cook for him & he swears he doesn’t need me to cook but if I don’t cook he won’t eat? If I cook for myself, I’m not selfish so I’ll ask if he wants something too and of course he says yes. So, days where I’m fed up & I “starve” with him, he won’t eat all day, sometimes he’ll just get snacks from the kitchen like – as a fitness girly I cannot live off crackers hummus & cheese. That’s incredibly unhealthy for anyone even if you don’t workout??
All of these things drive me insane because how TF can you can you claim to want KIDS but don’t clean, don’t cook, barely take care of the cat we have. Don’t make me laugh don’t make me feel appreciated & don’t make me c*m?? I feel like our current lifestyle + kids would send me straight to a loony bin. I also recently told him, he must be crazy to think I spent 10 years in school to get a high paying career to be a house wife?? I’ve never given that impression??
Am I being crazy? He doesn’t believe in counseling but I’m feeling crazy because from the outside.. our relationship seems perfect. We make good money, we don’t really fight. And he’s really a sweet sweet man. But idk why he does some of the things he does. I thought for a bit, maybe I don’t deserve that kind of love. Sweet gestures, a date night every now and then. For him to take me c*m once in a while, to make me laugh.. so I stepped my game up this past year. staying cute & pretty. I started getting regular facials, working out daily & my hair is I always done. I started cleaning & cooking all the time. i also started getting him random gifts, planning dates, trips.. because in my head I’m thinking, if I’m doing all the things he loves & he’s happy surely he’ll feel appreciated and just naturally want to do these things in return but NO. I’ve gotten nothing in return. If anything it’s made everything worse because now he expects it from me. It’s truly the worst feeling. I just tell myself, at least he’s not cheating. He doesn’t abuse me. We never really argue. He doesn’t raise his voice at me. I should just be happy. Ugh. We’re just alive, definitely not living. And we’re only getting older.
TLDR; for couples who have been together for 10+ years, have you experienced anything like this? Are you guys still together? What can I do to save my marriage when my husband doesn’t try.
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Backup of the post’s body: Apologies for the length, it’s more of a rant and I don’t have girlfriends I feel comfortable sharing this with.. also let me know if there’s a better sub to post this.
I feel awful about this and just so confused about my marriage. My (33F) husband (35M) and I have been married for 3 years together 11 and we have sex on average once a month. I hate how I’ve been feeling lately about our relationship but it’s just so monotonous..? I saw something that resonated with me that said “He’s not cheating, but there’s no flowers, no surprises, no dates unless you almost beg for them. Truth is, LAZINESS can slowly kill love.” I think that pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately.
A little about us..
Our communication/friendship –
I’m not sure if we have a friendship. He doesn’t really talk unless I start the conversation. He’s definitely an introvert but.. I’m a pretty anxious person overall but around my people I blossom. I feel like I’m constantly trying to make him laugh, respond to him in his “love languages”. I feel so bad for even writing this but – he’s f**king BORING. He doesn’t even TRY to make me laugh, start an interesting conversation or anything with me. I told him yesterday I think it’s pretty messed up that I force myself to watch sports games with him & learn golf but he doesn’t take interest in the things I like to do. He’s perfectly fine playing video games from 8am to 8pm. And would jump to his toes if his friends asked him to go play golf or something.
Our careers –
We both work in corporate and each make > $150k. He’s full time in the office, I’m hybrid but I only go in about once a month.
Kids-
We don’t have any kids but we recently bought a house that’s big enough for kids if we want. We (mostly him) even call one of the empty rooms “the nursery”. he’s talked about wanting kids and we recently had a real discussion about having them and some of the questions I asked, he was unable to answer. For example- do you want kids? “Him – yes. Me – why?” And he can’t answer. I told him I’m happy now, if I never had kids I’d be fine. But I’m also open to kids if that’s what you want.
Chores –
Even though I have a pretty mentally draining career, and we make around the same amount of money I still end up doing all of the household chores. You guys he doesn’t do ANYTHING unless I ask him to or we get in an argument about it. It’s so frustrating because he swears he cleans and I’m like are you serious?? We’ve been in our new home for a year & he’s cleaned our primary bathroom once. And by “cleaned” I mean he put toilet cleaner in the toilet bowl and scrubbed it with the brush and called it a day. His parents recently came to our house and we needed to clean. We also needed to water/fertilized our shrubs in the front yard. I washed dishes scrubbed counters cleaned the bathroom took the trash out swept, vacuumed & mopped all around 4ish hours AND I prepped a charcuterie board and put up a happy birthday sign and balloons. Meanwhile he was watering the f***ing plants the whole time.
Cooking –
I cook all the time. If I don’t cook, we don’t eat. And you guys, he really won’t eat. When I first moved in with him he was stick & bones. Like sickly, now he has a decent weight, but he still has this starvation mentality. I will say he has NEVER asked me to cook for him & he swears he doesn’t need me to cook but if I don’t cook he won’t eat? If I cook for myself, I’m not selfish so I’ll ask if he wants something too and of course he says yes. So, days where I’m fed up & I “starve” with him, he won’t eat all day, sometimes he’ll just get snacks from the kitchen like – as a fitness girly I cannot live off crackers hummus & cheese. That’s incredibly unhealthy for anyone even if you don’t workout??
All of these things drive me insane because how TF can you can you claim to want KIDS but don’t clean, don’t cook, barely take care of the cat we have. Don’t make me laugh don’t make me feel appreciated & don’t make me c*m?? I feel like our current lifestyle + kids would send me straight to a loony bin. I also recently told him, he must be crazy to think I spent 10 years in school to get a high paying career to be a house wife?? I’ve never given that impression??
Am I being crazy? He doesn’t believe in counseling but I’m feeling crazy because from the outside.. our relationship seems perfect. We make good money, we don’t really fight. And he’s really a sweet sweet man. But idk why he does some of the things he does. I thought for a bit, maybe I don’t deserve that kind of love. Sweet gestures, a date night every now and then. For him to take me c*m once in a while, to make me laugh.. so I stepped my game up this past year. staying cute & pretty. I started getting regular facials, working out daily & my hair is I always done. I started cleaning & cooking all the time. i also started getting him random gifts, planning dates, trips.. because in my head I’m thinking, if I’m doing all the things he loves & he’s happy surely he’ll feel appreciated and just naturally want to do these things in return but NO. I’ve gotten nothing in return. If anything it’s made everything worse because now he expects it from me. It’s truly the worst feeling. I just tell myself, at least he’s not cheating. He doesn’t abuse me. We never really argue. He doesn’t raise his voice at me. I should just be happy. Ugh. We’re just alive, definitely not living. And we’re only getting older.
TLDR; for couples who have been together for 10+ years, have you experienced anything like this? Are you guys still together? What can I do to save my marriage when my husband doesn’t try.
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I know in my case (genders reversed, I’m a man, wife is female) I love my wife to death and love to show her this, but it’s honestly easier to masterbate then it is to have sex. We still have set once a week or so but I also help myself about twice a week as well. It’s got nothing to do with love or the lack of it.
It seems like your husband doesn’t really put effort into anything, including sex. Do you really want to save this marriage? I mean, it seems like it would be you trying to compensate his lack of effort again.
Dear Lord please don’t have kids with this man.
Sometimes my husband and I lay next to eachother and masterbate. We still love each other it’s just easier sometimes haha
Do not have children. He will not help you and you will be miserable for something you didn’t even care about.
>And he’s really a sweet sweet man.
What the hell do you think that word means? You are kissing his ass and he just takes. He isn’t sweet and your marriage is already over just leave.
And neglect is abuse.
you should say literally all of this to him
This doesn’t sound like it’s about masturbation and sex at all. It sounds like you feel you put in most of the work in the relationship. Feeling this way will build resentment, and that’s really hard to come back from in a relationship.
You only get one life. Is this how you want to spend the next 50 years? If not, you need to have a real talk with him and with yourself.
You are not in a partnership. You have a roommate.
He’s either suffering from depression and/or Low T. It’s generally not normal for men not to want sex vs women. Or he’s doing what you’re doing too. Either way communication is key and if you don’t feel like you can vocalize your needs you both need to get into marriage counseling asap. Good luck! Exhaust all efforts to keep the marriage intact before considering ending the relationship or you will eventually regret it.
I don’t know how you save a marriage like that. I’m about 10 years ahead of you and still in this type of relationship. I have kids tho. It’s not healthy or sustainable and personally lonely and isolating. I find myself fixated on couples who genuinely adore each other and wish I had the same. We’ve done counseling, self help books, etc. and it just seems like it’s a lost cause.
You know what you need amd without it you are losing the relationship . All you can do is tell him what you need to love him and see if he can change. Obviously he can’t just be funny or change his hunger signals but he can put effort in. If he’s not willing, he’s not willing. But you can’t pretend your way around it either.
You don’t need to have kids with this man because he already is your child. He is showing you by his behavior that he doesn’t want to be your partner, he is just too lazy to end it. If he wanted to be your partner, he would put the effort in to romance you and ensure you were also enjoying sex even after marriage.
Nta, Is there anything about him you do like?
Sounds like this relationship is over. You want to give it one more shot because you bought a house go for it. Give him an ultimatum, he steps up or you leave. Ultimatums are stupid but if your done anyways who cares.
Is he depressed? If he is and he won’t address it its not your problem and you’re still justified leaving.
Being alone sounds way less boring
You should get a maid at your salary levels. Best money I ever spent. It gives you so much time back vs the amount of money that you spend. Good luck with everything else!
Been with my wife for 15 years since early 20s.
We still fuck like rabbits to put it bluntly. We are a match in that way, we both need a lot.
Sounds like he is just terrible in bed. Being blunt again. Sounds like you’re frustrated both sexually and emotionally.
You listed a LOT of things, across a lot of statements. I know it’s more complicated for women.
But I think it’s like one step at a time almost lol. Maybe you can approach him and talk to him about the sex? Has he put any effort into it, ever, at improving at it? Has he ever been good at sex (be honest)?
He doesn’t believe in counseling? He doesn’t believe that talking through your problems might be helpful?
Also he won’t cook or clean? Yike.
You deserve someone who lights up your brain when you think about them. This man is doing nothing for you. You deserve better. Please don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy. Get out now.
Oh also-It’s not the MASTURBATION that’s the issue. It’s everything else.
Hand him this Reddit post and tell him either counselling and working on it, or you might as well separate.
A relationship doesn’t work if only 1 person is invested in it.
Honestly don’t have children with him. If he puts no effort now, he definitely won’t put in effort later. Just leave. It is not too late.
Don’t do it 🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️
I’m just getting out of a marriage like this!!
He was having an affair!
Don’t do it
Sounds like he needed a Mom/Maid so he found you.
may this kind of love never find me 🙏
You two are completely incompatible. He has got issues. Anorexic issues. If not mental issues. Do not have children with him. Please talk to a lawyer.
He may be suffering from depression, the both of you should go to family counseling together and separately, if he doesn’t go than you go yourself and lastly if you and your husband don’t have a relationship with God work that immediately, God bless you🙏🏾
This is why I don’t date masturbation is just so much easier
He probably fell out of love with you years ago, and you’re just not getting around to the same thing with him. Sometimes when it’s over, you just have to say okay and move on. Do don’t have children with him, that just complicates everything.
He is also masturbating instead of having sex with you. Probably more than you’re doing it. It’s easier, you have no one to please but yourself and it means if that’s your main source of pleasure, you and your husband and unhappy with each other. Not just you, him too!
If you BOTH want to save your marriage, you’re going to have to get some marriage counseling.
It doesn’t sound like he wants to try though, so why are you putting in any effort and him putting in zero? Done is done, get out and get happy.
You’re not happy and you know what YOU need out of this relationship. So TELL HIM. Tell him clearly and specifically 1) what you need and 2) what you are prepared to do if you don’t get it. If you want to save it, you have to communicate and give him an opportunity to save it too.
But also…… this sounds like low T so he should simultaneously be tested. If he’s not willing to put in the effort to get tested and work on a solution after you have clearly communicated your position, then if it were me I’d move on.
Kids make the house messier, kids won’t let you get full sleep, and you’re going to be cooking and losing your mind trying to keep your kids alive. Def don’t have kids w him
This doesn’t seem like a relationship, sounds like your is mother. He obviously wants someone to cook,clean and do everything for him. He doesn’t care about you getting off, no affection, no thoughtfulness.
This is who he truly is, people grow apart all the time. This just seems like a one sided relationship and if you’re not happy with this then please get out of this relationship. Obviously no matter how pretty you are, how fit and well taken care of he’s just not interested. This relationship should have been over a long time ago this isn’t a partnership.
Sounds like a conversation needs to be had.
Chores: get together and come up a list of chores that need doing then each of you decide who is doing what.
Hire help.
Don’t suffer in silence – that will kill your relationship as resentment builds.
The reality is you have the ability to create the life you want or need. The hard part is you need to speak up and make it happen.
Definitely figure it out before kids – kids really add to the workload.
You’re his mommy. There’s zero surprise you don’t want sex with him.
It’s him that needs to save the marriage not you.
Tell him your concerns and what you plan to do if they’re not met. I doubt you will though. 10 years and not even married with problems like this is a really bad sign.
Yes cheating and abuse is worse. Do not have a child you don’t really want one and he will not help you. You can accept this is your life, divorce or try couples counseling. If you communicated all this stuff to him you might not need help. Good luck
Why on earth did you marry him?
So sorry about that, facing the same but I’m and been together for 40 years. After years of cheating, I just resigned myself to the occasional sexual contact and self release. Too old.
Sounds like a shitty roommate and lazy in the sack.
Op, why did you marry him in the first place? If you can think back to why and those feelings and thoughts are still valid, then you have a chance in counseling. But sounds like your husband needs to step up big time. Have a conversation, be straight up about everything you said, and request counseling to save the marriage or it’s over. If he doesn’t want to change or go to counseling…well, you have your answer. You are young enough to start over and have a family with someone who you appreciate and love and who does the same for you.
Your husband is sweet, and you never argue because he gets to do whatever he wants while you take care of everything. And you’re worried about masturbating? No one should want to have sex with that. He’s literally useless. Your life would be AMAZING if only he wasn’t around.
It sounds like you don’t feel justified in leaving because he doesn’t beat you or cheat on you. However, you are miserable and he is making zero effort to improve.
You should sit him down and explain this all to him and see if he cares enough about you to make changes so you feel loved.
If he does not make any effort, you are fully justified to leave, your happiness is important. The fact that he doesn’t beat you or cheat on you isn’t enough to stay.
This guy is just going through the motions, he can’t even answer why he wants kids.
Well paid job ✅
Marriage (where wife does all domestic work) ✅
Big house ✅
Next stop kids!
Out of all of this I feel so sad that your partner is boring to you and doesn’t start conversations with you or take interests in your interests, has it always been this way?
You deserve better, you deserve someone obsessed with you not even sexually but someone who is keen and interested in spending time with you not just on their terms.
Good luck
What do you like about him? Because it doesn’t seem like there’s a strong romantic or sexual connection, no equal partnership in the home life, and few common interests for quality time together. Like. Why are you with him?
Send him the book “This is How Your Marriage Ends” by Matthew Frey.
Group of men I work with all read it together after one of their own got a “surprise” divorce. Watching the divorcee suffer for 6 months was painful, but I was VERY surprised that he said, after having some processing time and reading this book something along the lines of, “I can see how I failed and why it’s over, and I think this book really helped me explain to the guys that they’re all really close to this too.” Weird choice for a book club, but honestly, a bunch of them went home and at least wanted to do better — they won’t go to therapy, but I’ll take even the small steps.
The book also made most of these men hopeful, not bitter, and felt like they could make the changes they needed for their marriages to survive.
Do not have kids with him unless, by some miracle, you start to feel more fulfilled in the relationship. You will become even more resentful with the imbalance of responsibility, because kids, especially infants, bring a whole new level of responsibility you can’t even imagine until you have one.
Also, read about avoidant attachment style. That sounds like your husband. I speak from personal experience when I say it is beyond painful and challenging to try to have a healthy relationship with someone an avoidant personality. You seem to have a growth mindset, and you are already becoming burnt out with this dynamic. Please don’t burn yourself out more by having kids.
He wanted a bang-maid/mama – and that’s what you are. Like so many others have said: please do not have kids w this man. You’ll scar them
You do have children. Your husband is an adult child that believes you are and uses you as his mom/ maid. If my partner used me as his mom/maid I wouldn’t feel sexually attracted to him either. He doesn’t seem to do any effort to make the relationship even or work so basically you have an adult child who is there as a roommate. Does he even trying bed? Or is he selfish there too? A relationship takes the people in the relationship working on it to make it work. In this marriage you’re the only one making an effort. You are getting absolutely nothing out of this relationship but more headaches and chores. What exactly is there to save in a relationship that wasn’t working in the first place? Personally I would sit him down and be honest “I need to get this off my chest. So I need you to sit there and just listen and say absolutely nothing until I am done. Understood? Ok, we both work full time we both make about the same amount of money. Just because I work from home doesn’t mean I am not working or my work is less valuable than yours. You know I work full time yet you still expect me to act like a full time housewife and you don’t lift a finger to make our home clean or feel like ours. To be honest I am so tired of you pretending that I am your mom and being expected to take care of you that I am having trouble feeling sexually attractive towards you. I know you want kids but with the way things are I can’t even picture me having sex with you so I have no clue how kids are supposed to happen. If this keeps up I don’t know how much longer our marriage is going to last. I can’t keep living with someone who unless I talk to them doesn’t even acknowledge I am alive. So as my last ditch effort to make this work things have to change dramatically. The options are A. We outsource the house chores and cooking. We both pay half of it. We use some of that free time to start over again and start dating and getting to know each other again. And we go to teraphy to help heal us. B. You start acting like my life partner here is a list of every single chore that has to be done here at home including food shopping and cooking . Let’s split it equally down the middle. So that we are both working towards being an equal couple. We can make cooking a family activity. We will make date plans for us to do once a week. We will alternate who plans the dates. And going to teraphy to work on us. C. You say no, meaning you don’t think our marriage is worth saving. And while we both get our own divorce lawyers and see what we are going to do about the house. We start sleeping in different rooms. And effective immediately we are both in charge of our own things. I will no longer be buying groceries for you, cooking for you, or cleaning after you in anyways. Until the divorce is served we will both just be living as roommates. And no this isn’t up for discussion. These are your only choices. Think about what you decide and let me know” but if I was you I would talk to a divorce lawyer and get your ducks in a row now and just don’t tell him anything. If he goes with option c. Then you know you already lined up things for what you need to do.
Sometimes people are good people, but not a good fit together.
Your husband sounds immature and neglectful in general just of himself and household responsibilities. It won’t get any better (and will probably get worse) if you have kid(s) with him.
I’ve been there before with sunk cost fallacy and thinking you need to be together, but really if he’s not adding value to your life, why are you together?
Friend, I mean in this the way of someone who cares about you and wants you to succeed. It’s easier to leave now than later especially when you’d be perfectly fine on your own. You shouldn’t have to beg for basic things and you deserve happiness, either alone or with someone who does add value to your life.
You just know what gets you there. Teach him 😈