We a couple in our early 30s and my wife just does not want to have sex or be intimate anymore. It’s been three years since having our child and I can count on one hand how many times we have been intimate. I have become sexually frustrated. My advances yield no results and was recently told that I was coming on too strong sometimes. I just told her to let me know when she wants to have sex and initiate and she agreed – but that is never. I just don’t know how to handle these feelings of frustration, insecurity, and just general sadness that we will never have a regular sex life at this point in our lives, still so young.
Anyone else feel the same? How do you manage?
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off to r/DeadBedrooms with you
When this happened to me it was really difficult for me; I felt unwanted and frustrated. Eventually I had to tell myself it was never going to happen again. Been like 10 years now and no sex. My own libido has dropped alot in the last few years, so it’s not as big of a deal anymore. Once I got over it, I don’t even really think about it. I just masturbate when I need to get the urge to go away.
Probably not the answer you’re looking for, but all I can say is “you’ll get over it eventaully.”
Does she work? Is the kid in preschool? Does she have time for her?
There is likely way more to this than you think. It’s about sex but not only about sex. I’d consider counseling so you can both communicate about your perspective clearly without it devolving into an argument. I’d also consider evaluating what other forms of intimacy you do engage in. If even touching each other has become rare, then you’re almost starting from basics to make your wants and needs known while also learning what hers are. Post kiddo, a lot of moms get touched out, overstimulated, underrested, emotionally distant from others, and hormonal altered in a lasting way. All that isn’t to blame your kid or the massive effort that is caring well for your child. But when you’re essentially in the trenches of early parenthood together it’s easy to identify more with that role than the infatuation/lust/etc that was present previously.
It isn’t easy. The journey forward is often very particular to the couple involved. What i wouldn’t do is let your frustrations turn into a lack of effort. It doesn’t mean constantly pushing for sex. It can mean showing physical intimacy in other ways while also starting to differentiate yourself between the roles of romantic partner and father of her child.
Have a frank conversation with her. Express your need and why it’s important to you. Be careful to avoid blame as it will only lead to defensiveness. Ask her to share her experience and show compassion and understanding. Frame the conversation as trying to build a new version of your (collectively) best life and see what solutions you guys can come up with.
Is it a medical issue? Does she need counseling/therapy to deal with other issues that are interfering? Does she need more support with the kid, or more free time for herself? Do you need to schedule intimacy so that you can get back into the groove? Do you need to open your marriage as she’s simple no longer interested?
It’s important to communicate about sex even when you’re not feeling sexual or expecting to be intimate.
Find ways to have this discussion in a place and time where you’re not expecting to have sex after. It can take pressure off the topic. Don’t just talk about why you’re not having sex. But also, talk about when each other feels most sexual. Talk about what makes each other feel less sexual.
More often than not the communication piece is a result of one person always being like “want to have sex” but then never does anything to actually turn their partner on. So having communication about what makes people feel sexy, can help you learn what you can do to make your wife feel sexy.
You should get into couples therapy for this. Often times, the other party does not realize the emotional importance of sex for their partner. Especially if one has a love language of physical touch and the other does not. They can help you navigate that together.
My wife and I went through a similar period. Less because of low libido, but because of family that had to move in temporarily due to health reasons. We ended up watching adult content to find new things we both liked. Let’s just say that it was awkward at first, but that it opened up a whole new sexual world for us and brought us closer than we’ve ever been.
It’s not just about being more physical and intimate. But by being more vulnerable about our kinks, it brought about new levels of trust and depth in our relationship.
It impacted our marriage even more than just sex and I asked for a divorce. Only then did she go to mental and pelvic floor physical therapy, which resulted in her being able to feel sexual pleasure.
Now we’re at twice a week. I’m extremely sexual so it’s still a lot of solo time but happy to have twice a week
I divorced her. Found someone with whom I’m sexually compatible.
Get ripped then see what happens
“Come as you are” is a great book that educated me and helped shift my perspective. I was so angry and felt unwanted. Reading through the dead bedroom reddit and someone recommended the book. I was kinda at the “screw it, what’s the worst that could happen?” Stage and spent the following month listening to it as an audio book while I cooked and cleaned.
Her writing style and experience helped me understand what might be going through my wife’s head. What the problem areas could be and how I could preemptively “stack the cards in my favor”. Purely selfish motivation helped me become a better partner. When something really resonated with me, I’d carve out some private time with the wife to kinda check in:
“Hey, listening to this book and I’d like you to listen to this section and tell me if it resonates with you.”
Which sparked good dialogue and helped me learn. Today, those bimonthly fights about sex are in the past. Both of us check in and work towards a healthy sexual relationship.
Been with my wife 15 years and have 4 kids. Libido will be something that varies as does life. One thing that will kill libido is making everything sexual. Women are way more mental then men. I have to turn on my wife’s mind into feeling like she can let the guard down to feel that desire again. That takes effort when life has kids, work, other daily chores to do ect.
Also it helps to dress nice, and stay in shape. I’m not saying be a model, but I pride myself in looking good all the time because that’s who I want to present. Often times compliments I get from others actually make my wife more sexual. Maybe it helps her see more of what she has.
Biggest point is you need to let the fact your wife isn’t in the mood go. Go focus on being the best you possible, the sense of desperation will kill all desire.
Are you doing everything on your end to be sexually appealing? I.e. low body fat, regularly demonstrating dominance over other men (figuratively or literally speaking, do you have some demonstratable skills that put you in the top 10% of others that you can perform around her).
If you’re doing all those things and still have a dead bedroom then yes, it’s no longer on you. But if you are rocking a dad bod and settled into your job/life circumstances, then there’s not much else you can do but find another woman who will satisfy you.
you need to ask her how you fit into that equation. Its ok to ask that. What are your options for your own sexual needs. Are you allowed to occasionally fill that need with another person? Are you allowed to purchase a doll without shame? Are you allowed to go to a sex worker? Etc etc. you guys to be raw and honest with this. No judgement either way, judgement and shame is a quick highway to really bad stuff.
It is critical that you have this discussion now.
Here’s the thing. It is almost certainly not about sex and there are probably a dozen other issues at play (or maybe one giant one) that you are missing.
Except you didn’t actually notice or care about any of that and are instead hung up on the lack of sex. This is going to make you look like a selfish asshole, which may or may not be true, since you are oblivious to whatever underlying unhappiness she has going on yet willing to do anything you can, including seeking help here, to get your dick wet.
So go jerk off. Clear your head. And see if you can’t figure out why your wife might be missing something in her life you could address or help her address. (Spoiler: the missing thing is not your dick, though we’re sure it’s just swell.)
EDIT: yes it’s hard, maybe it’s unfair, no it’s not incorrect
yeah. happened to me (luckily no child) – we are no longer together. this is not a relationship.
The relationship is monogamous which means you are only supposed to have sex with her. Well if she is not having sex the relationship is not monogamous. That’s one conversation.
Ask her if she prefers going to therapy alone in addition to couples therapy once a week. That should be about 2 hours of her time to invest in her and y’all. Or she can have sex 2 times a week which is an hour investment in your relationship. If she turns this down then let her know the relationship is probably over. If she can’t put an hour a week into it then what’s the point. In the end, I went to therapy alone for about 2 years, it created a better frame for me. Kept me out of the house longer which I also realized helped me develop better boundaries.
Stop giving her what she needs in the relationship. She is starving you, you need to starve her. My wife’s Achilles heel is her desire to tell me about her day and just talk about random stuff. We would still discuss household issues/bills. I just don’t ask about anything work related when she was in the no sex mode. If she wanted to return the relationship to equilibrium then she had to fuck it back there. I found this one very effective.
Don’t let anyone tell you that she is stressed and you have to do more. I assume you participate in household chores already – if not pick some of it up. I was already doing a lot. DOING MORE DOESN’T HELP SO I STOPPED.
Not in the mood? Also a load of bull crap. Women do not have to be in the mood regardless of what they say. A little cuddling, some digital manipulation, perhaps some adult beverages, maybe women friendly porn watched together and a fun time can be had.
If she doesn’t want sex then she can do you a favor every once in a while. That shows appreciation of you and your patience with her because in the end, this is more a her issue than a you issue and if she doesn’t appreciate the patience and commitment you have for her and your ability to leave her, she doesn’t understand nor deserve you.
Good luck
I can’t imagine why “let me know when you’re ready” didn’t work.
Have you tried doing the dishes /s
You know your wife but I think you can’t wait anymore. There are 3 usually one of the 3 big items
Bottom line I’d say is she’d have to want to fix the issue. That would be the driver to how I would move forward.
Best of luck!
Hit the gym. Start doing monthly or weekly date nights.
Simple fact…. Your wife either has a hormonal issue and needs treatment or she’s just not into you anymore and is just hanging out for the familiarity and comfort she’s used to by being your wife. In other words, she’s content to have room mate and co parent but doesnt want any deeper relationship.
Given your age, I’d be making an exit plan and be up front about it. Tell her like it is. You’re done waiting for her to come around and you’re not wasting your life in a dead bedroom. Start the divorce. She’ll either finally start figuring herself out or you’ll go your separate ways
I’d give you different advice if you were in your early 60’s and approaching the end of your sexual potency life cycle.
If the person isn’t eating well and keeping fit/healthy this can be a problem.
If this person is getting the attention from somewhere else, eg porn /side partner this can be the problem.
If a partner is abusive towards the other or the partner has childhood traumas then this could be a problem.
If someone doesn’t like how the other person has sex/positions/noise/ not getting the right tingles and pleasure then this could be the problem.
Maybe the sex is just too boring and they want something different then this could be a problem.
If you both are on different pages and focus on nothing together, eg planning/ preparing the week/holidays etc then this is a problem.
If you have had fights or not supported each other through things and you both hold grudges with each other then this is a major problem. Apologise and try again.
You can’t enjoy each other intimately and kiss and cuddle etc if there’s no deep connection because so many things have piled up.
I think if everything was right everyone would have sex everyday, so people that don’t have sex everyday obviously have an issue that needs talking through.
Low labido is an excuse in disguise, there’s always something else to the story. If you put a hot person in front of a so-called low labido person, for sure they will get snatched up straight away if they have the option.
I made it explicitly clear that I need to have sex, it’s a non-negotiable for me, and when we got together then got engaged we had an active and healthy sex life. Therefore, the precedent was set. I didn’t say I need to have sex X-amount of times per month or anything like that, but we did discuss how often she would like to do it and how often I would like to do it, and we came up with a compromise.
I don’t take it personally. We have kids, a lot of life happening, and a lot of people’s priorities change when they’re done having kids. She says it’s not important to her. I have to initiate nearly 100% of the time, but when we do it, she’s definitely into it and that’s a very good sign. Obviously, the more the better, but we found a compromise that works for the most part.
Schedule sex. They will never instigate even if they say they will. It’s just a way to get you to leave them alone and avoid the underlying problem in your marriage.
Your wife likely has a hormone imbalance and needs to get her levels checked by a competent women’s health specialist that specializes in HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Women need testosterone, progesterone and other hormones to be regulated correctly or they can have similar effects to what you’re describing. Testosterone especially (very low dose compared to men). It’s very similar to how when men start losing a lot of energy and drive, it’s usually low testosterone, and TRT is usually an effective treatment along with estrogen regulation (if needed).
Your wife needs to get checked out and have her blood tested. I’m betting that’s a significant factor to this. Not necessarily a guarantee, but it’s likely the culprit.
Now here’s the other side to this coin- I’ve been there where you are, but it was inside of a 16yr marriage. Around years 9-14, my then-wife (now Ex) continued to have progressively less and less sex with me to where years 12-14 were basically 2-4x per year. By years 15-16, there was zero sex. No sex for two years was difficult to deal with for me. During those last 6-7 years, the only thing that kept me faithful to my wife was my morals and how I detest infidelity. I was desperate for intimacy and almost cheated on her a couple times, but ultimately stopped myself.
For my ex-wife she didn’t care about the lack of intimacy, and despite me pointing out that I was very unhappy, she didn’t bother to make any effort to try to at least get her hormones checked. I’d been on TRT for 7 years by that point, and my doctor ran a men’s and women’s health clinic and they knew all about that stuff. I tried to get my wife to make an appointment, but she would just make excuses. This all began when she went on citalopram for anxiety back in the late 2000s, because all of her other friends did. Every single one of them also ballooned up and got morbidly obese, including my wife. 100+lbs weight increase. My ex-wife did admit on numerous occasions that there was probably something wrong, but she refused to address it and just came up with excuses for why she couldn’t.
Me making issues about no sex wound up being one of the issues she cited when she filed for divorce. She said that I was not respecting her feelings and personal limitations. Me being a man, I’m just seeing a problem and trying to fix it. We had other issues and the sex thing wasn’t the primary issue for her, but it was for me and I was getting to my wit’s end.
About a year after we got divorced my mom went on HRT. She still talks to my ex-wife (which I’m fine with), and she convinced my Ex to give HRT a try. About a year after that, my Ex had lost over 50lbs and had her energy and drive back. Ironically, all of her friends that got really fat all went on HRT and semaglutides, and they’re all losing a ton of weight and getting back to previous behaviors before they went on anti-depressants/anti-anxieties.
I come from a situation that I find difficult to imagine developing into yours – partly because I think yours is a difficult one to manage.
I do think children put a damper and it’s important to verify that childcare or other burdens aren’t just wearing her out. (Depression kills libido anyway.)
I do think you should communicate almost all of what you told us, with her. Gently discourage any possibile “panic” responses like trying to “buy you off” with a quickie. Reaffirm your larger love and offer your support for what she’s dealing with. She might confess to feeling unattractive or overwhelmed and then you go from there.
Gym time or improved self-presentation might help. Don’t beat yourself up about “coming off strong” – just respect her wishes and re-offer later.
If others start to notice you, behave appropriately but take the validation that it’s a problem in your relationship dynamics and not with you. (Problem-solving nerds call this “binary search:” you rule out that it’s a you-not-us problem, then focus on the “us” problem.)
Exercise patience in a deeper way. Forgive yourself for being frustrated.
I’m on the same situation until last year we were having sex about 3 times a week. My wife got long covid and her sex drive has went to zero. It’s a struggle
Find new ways to entice. Maybe a trim, maybe a romantic get away. It gets more challenging, and is always an adventure.
Perhaps after having kids she doesn’t feel sexy.
Try taking her to get a new dress/outfit.
Plan a nice romantic dinner.
Compliment her.
Make her feel “sexy” like she is the only woman in the room.
Candles, Music, dim lights when you get home.
Maybe a bottle of wine (if you drink)
If this fails,
Tequila.
I have never been a part of a dead bedroom , I’d be in another room. In my case I’ve always been very vocal and deliberate that I will not be sexually inactive . Been married nearly forty years , we’ve never had dead bedroom besides medical emergency stuff ( longest time we went without 2-3 weeks ) we are older now and maintain 4-5 times a week. We are compatible , my love
do you help around the house at all and take care of your own kids and clean your own mess or do you treat her like she’s your mother and expect her to do everything for you?
women generally don’t feel sexually attracted to a dude who sees her as his personal slave
You really need to have a private discussion with her WHEN YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO GET LAID.
Don’t take anything she says personally. It literally might be a hormonal imbalance or some undiagnosed condition.
Find out if it’s a timing thing; is she still masturbating? Is she having trouble getting off during sex? Has she tried toys? Does she know how this is personally affecting you?
Sounds way too familiar. At around 3 years I was starting to lose my mind, self esteem was already gone 2 years before. Got a side chick which only made me hate myself even more, but it kept me trying for a couple more years out of guilt. Didn’t end well…
Rather than being passive and say ‘let me know when you want it’s why don’t you initiate a proper conversation?
Like literally.. ‘i seem to want sex more often than you, our sex life isn’t satisfying me, what can we both do to make this situation different/better?, is there anything I can do more/less of? Do you think counselling is a good idea? should we try to spice things up?’
The answers to this kind of conversation will help you understand your relationship significantly more than coming on Reddit and hoping someone will magically make your wife more sexually active.
Time for a divorce while you are still young.
You deserve the being someone who wants to be with you.
First, talk to her. Set up a doctor visit that you can attend to ask about potential medical reasons. Things like medications can cause libido problems. If this is ruled out,you can move on to a sex therapist. Don’t give up. Do whatever it takes to find out why. If you can’t come up with a solution, you’ll need to either live with it or move on.
You either find a woman who can meet your needs or get on the hub.
I don’t know man “monogamous” has the word “mono” in it which means one. You don’t have a monogamous relationship with your wife, you are essentially in your 30s and celibate. That’s not ok, usually sex is top three priority for men. If she’s not giving this I’d argue that a lot of neglect can equal abuse. A dead bedroom is the beginning of the end in any relationship. I guarantee if she were single she’d be having sex with a man she’d be dating to woo him. How much sex did she have with you before you were married? At this point you two are roommates. Sex and no sex is the difference between roommates and partners
Be honest with her. Let her know that you are serious about this to the point of getting a divorce if you have to and finding someone who wants what you want. She has to know that this is a threat to her marriage otherwise she won’t change her behaviour, and you will have to resort to cheating behind her back and her finding out and resenting you. Be clear from the start. Since she’s your wife and you’re supposed to sleep only with her, she should agree to find a solution with you. Communicate your concerns before you do anything that could make things worse. If she still doesn’t give a fk about your feelings then put your foot down and ask for a divorce. Marriage is supposedly for a lifetime so it doesn’t make sense to be miserable till death do you part. For the sake of your kid it’s best that you two stay together by finding a solution.
Another issue is how your relationship is with your wife. For example, you come back from work, eat, look at social media, don’t talk to your wife, then at night go to bed and expect sex to happen. She needs to feel loved and appreciated via nice words and taking her out to dinner sometimes, even helping with house chores if that’s what she wants. You give a woman romance she will give you sex. And genuinely care for her because we know when you’re pretending to care but don’t actually listen or bring flowers but she mentioned that she hates flowers. Remember why you fell in love with her and remind her.
Good luck
Whoa early thirties and she bombs out? Oxytocin wore off. Maybe seek couples counseling.
Divorce may be your best option. 30 is waaaaaay to young for her to not want sex. Mid 30s is peak sexual prowess for Women. Possible she’s getting it elsewhere?
Life is too short to live like that. Ask her if you can find someone else to have sex with. Most likely she is just staying with you because it’s convenient.
Possibly a silly question, but are there any instances or activities that you don’t really find fulfilling that she absolutely has to do but don’t impact your family?
I’ve found that my wife craves spiritual fulfillment and is spontaneous in her desire for it. My desire for spiritual fulfillment is much like her desire for intimacy: I’m good when I get there but it takes me a bit to get motivated, it’s never on my mind and I could barely understand why my partner absolutely needs it. With that understanding, approach your wife with this understanding. I also found out that I was doing a lot of tasks in the marriage that I had implicitly expected that I would be rewarded for doing so, was never rewarded and became resentful of the situation. After reading no more Mr nice guy, I reflected on my behavior and changed it. There were tasks that were not essential to the running of the household or taking care of the children that I hated doing but did them because my wife wanted me to do them. I stopped doing them or told her that I didn’t want to do these tasks, was tired of being expected of doing them and that she could do them or at least acknowledge that I did them with a thank you.
You don’t say that you aren’t going to do x if she doesn’t do y, but you can understand her at least. If you find that you don’t want to do said task and are unappreciated doing it, then don’t. When she finally asks, a simple “I don’t want to do this task so I felt like it was ok to not do it since it does not meet my emotional, physical or spiritual needs. What should I have done differently?” Normally I would not advocate this kind of approach, however, if your spouse doesn’t want to devote the time to address the issue or talk about it, then I don’t know what else you can do.
I had to stop focusing on the lack of sex, focus on the things I was doing to try and get sex and then stop doing those things. I ended up working on myself and my kids, rather than devoting that time to doing unrequited tasks for my spouse.
Start lifting and get ripped. Lift heavy. Give it 6 serious months and things will turn around VERY quickly
My (45m) wife (45f) has:
after effects from long covid
anxiety management regimen
perimenopausal management + new bc
do we miss it? yes.
But we’re working on it.
Everyone’s situation is different. This will require some difficult conversations. Good luck on your journey.
Here is what happened to me.
Sex constantly till we were married. Then it was dwindled down. 4 times a week then 3 times a week, then once a week.
After she agreed to once a week I remember her telling me, “well don’t expect this for very long”.
She told me I could have someone on the side to take care of my needs. I never did that because it felt wrong. Instead, she manufactured a story where i did and we were soon divorced.
I wish you better luck.
Hormones, peri menopause, birth control, too long together, you name it.
I got a vasectomy and she went off the birth control that helped a little. But what worked was completely disregarding it and having open communication, enjoying my hobbies and we have spikes but it’s not 100% how long it’s going to last.
Having kids does something to many people. Happened to my wife as well (spoiler: we aren’t together anymore — but not because of kids). She was the stay at home mom, felt obligated to be one (not by me), and was exhausted from the kid, and didn’t feel appreciated. We figured it out eventually, but broke up years and years later for related reasons. We were just changed people.
I’d recommend therapy. The therapist might be able to figure something out. Either something you can do to make her interested again, or something she can do, or idk, other options.
It could be a phase with childbirth. It could be something else like dissatisfaction. The two of you are likely to both need to make some sort of changes.
It’s not an easy situation to be in. But my advice knowing nothing about you is basically: try to pick up the slack where you can. Be more active in helping out, and do small things to show you appreciate her hard work. That’s pretty sexy to most moms.
(FWIW, ex-wife and I were together 20 years, and what OP described happened to us just a few years after marriage, after our first kid. We have a better relationship now, communicate better despite living a thousand miles apart, and I still support her. She’s alright; just not right for me.)
I told her either we fix the situation or our marriage was over.
I’m sure people will say I’m a horrible person but our sex life nearly evaporated around when we got married. Fortunately we didn’t have kids, and the issues were largely caused by a reversible problem (antidepressants) so we were able to largely turn things around.
All these people offering up whole paragraphs. Lemme give you an experienced word of advice I wish I had been given in the past:
leave, it doesn’t get better.
Marriage without intimacy is no marriage! This is true for the vast majority. Naturally you should try some solutions (therapy etc). If no luck, I would work to untie the knot 🪢
You have to seek out therapy and hold each other accountable for being honest during sessions. The reality is that your wife could be going through something medical that’s dropping her libido. It could also be that your wife doesn’t desire you or to make you happy. Personally I’d go the therapy route but if you’re not comfortable with that there are lots of books that can help you understand desire, attraction and arousal.
I can’t really advise on what to do. But one thing I can say for absolutely sure is don’t take it personally at all.
I’ve been there. I went to gym to get fitter for this very reason, tried everything I could. Absolutely nothing worked. I took a bit hit to my self esteem. But really it wasn’t about me.
Being with a new and different partners the difference is night and day. It wasn’t about me staying fit or doing everything just right. People are just different and have different libidos. Some high some low some nonexistent.
All I learned is it wasn’t about me so don’t be hard on yourself. As for what to do from there I can’t be sure.
That sucks man. I am sorry to hear that.
I am a Christian, so from that angle we have been doing Bible studies about marriage. And the book is pretty clear and consistent that a husband and wife should act selflessly for eachother, their marriage should be ‘set apart’ (aka holy), and they should have sex frequently.
It lead to some awesome conversations. What does she want (outside of sex)? Why do I want sex so much (because it is how I feel connected and valued in a relationship. That words and touch go far, but not instead of sex). It lead to a fascinating discussion about the anxiety she feels about sex.
It lead toward both of us going into individual therapy and have couples therapy once a month. It’s great. She is trying! She is talking to me about her anxiety. I am sharing with her in more real and emotional language what I feel. I even shared my kinks with her!!! (Yikes!)
I have never been closer to a person in my entire life. It’s awesome. Sex is better than ever with and with a frequency averaging about twice a week. She is trying positions and stuff too.
These are things she was terrified of before, and she is discovering it wasn’t worth being scared of.
For me, I am being far more attentive to her. I am trying to think of her more. I am more curious about her. I am acting more as a leader (not like a worldly leader but gentle, loving, selfless) to our family. The goal being for her to feel safe and loved.
It’s working. We got a pretty awesome marriage and we have it because we worked HARD for it.
There is lots of research on this and there are meds, supplements and exercise that would help her with this. There has to be some understanding between both you that sex is not going to be what it was, but it also isn’t going to be never. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.
Clear communication, with a very clear understanding with absolutely no mincing words that you cannot live a happy life without routine intimacy. Once a week, month, what ever you need. You deserve to be happy too. And it’s entirely ok to end a marriage if they can’t make time for you. It doesn’t matter how this happened or why. Just as you aren’t entitled to her body, she’s not entitled to your life.
YOU can’t manage her life libido, she had to. More importantly, she has to want to. Sure, you can let it be known that it’s a problem but at the end of the day if she doesn’t care, thinks she’s fine the way she is etc than don’t expect her to change. YOU change. Lock in at the gym, at home (household duties) self maintainace (how you dress, your hair, skin) Read/ learn how to be seductive (hell, even practice in her with ZERO expectations of success) my ex wife really didn’t give a damn about anything especially sex until she took notice that I was noticed and desirable by others.. by then, too late.
Focus on you. Communicate with her, yes, but focus on you. I’d have honestly never made it that long with that type of sexual imbalance.
If you’re committed to her. Just ignore her and seek happiness, and fulfillment elsewhere.
Get an awesome bike and going biking.
Tell her to go get her hormones checked, and then a therapist and then if things don’t change after that tell her you’re gonna go get it somewhere else. Dead bedrooms are a form of spousal control/abuse if there’s no physical reason why not to have sex.
My wife and I are in our 50s. I have a strong drive, even now. If it were up to me it would be every day. But my wife has a low drive. If it were only when she really wanted it, it would be once every 30 to 60 days.
But you know what? If it were the other way around, and my wife wanted to have sex and I didn’t, guess what… we’re having sex. Why? Because I would want her to be happy and fulfilled. I would never tell her no.
My wife has the same attitude. And while it’s not every day, it’s maybe 3 to 5 times a week, in spite of her low drive… because she wants me to be happy. She once told me she has a rule. She never lets me go more than three days.
I have a difficult time understanding these her-way-or-the-highway women. Your husband has needs. And you’re the only person who can fulfill them. Do you love him? Do you want him to be miserable?
Take care of your husband ladies, or bad things happen.
the traditional solution is for you to get a mistress
As long as she is getting everything she wants out of the relationship without her doing something for you, she doesn’t feel any pressure to change anything. that’s the #1 thing you need to realize. This situation is working for her
My story, maybe it relates to your situation. Wife wanted more time with me to feel sexual, I didn’t want to give her time since she was giving me no attention or negative attention. Negative feedback spiral.
Spent 10-15 years this way until I made a very predictable mistake. We’ve been trying to repair the marriage for the last 11 months but I’m not sure it’s going to be repairable.
Dude you need to sit her down and have the hard talks about what you’re feeling and what she’s feeling. It will NOT get better sitting there and building up resentments. I’ve learned that my wife and I had a completely different perspective of what was happening, what it meant to each of us, and how we reacted.
My favorite saying that I’ve learned is ‘Unspoken expectations are predetermined resentments’. Don’t be a dumbass like me
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Gotta find a way to light that fire. And for women, it’s not always just sexual. Work on her emotional needs, and her sexual feelings could return. How often do you guys just have a date night and treat her like you did when you guys were early in the relationship? And not try to make any sexual advances
You can communicate until you are blue in the face.
You can point her to the deadbedroom sub here on reddit so she can perhaps see that she is hurting you… She’ll also see all the advice people give there for the High Libido spouse to cheat or divorce.
You can enforce counseling. If she refuses, then go alone and also consult a family law attorney about what a divorce looks like for you in your state.
If she continues to refuse counseling then show her the invoice for the 1 or 2 consultations with the attorney and simply offer to use the same attorney for mediation in your divorce.
At that point, she’ll either let the divorce happen or odds are she will start hysterical bonding (initiating sex) with you sexually for a week or two until she feels the coast is clear.
Or… You could get your needs met on the side and just cheat as many in a deadbedroom do. Just warn her that you might as well get a girlfriend if she isn’t willing to treat you like you are the love of her life.
This is all assuming you also treat her well….
Final advice – Don’t let the frustration turn to anger too quickly. It’s natural to be frustrated and angry over what appears to be someone withholding intimacy from you, weaponing it, or perhaps not in love with you. Turning that frustration loose on her isn’t going to make things any better.
I’ve been married 21 years. 20 have been a deadbedroom with sex sometimes only every 3-4 months. Sometimes it got better but always slid back again. Why am I still here? *Because I thought I could save the marriage, 20 more years went by. It’s now quite simply cheaper to keep her.
Alright, I’ll be straight with you OP. What have you changed about your diet and lifestyle? Have you gained weight over the years? Or are you generally fit and go to the gym?
Edit: Post originally got removed since I didn’t have a flair.
Divorce is the answer, or decide you hate sex too.
One of those vows was “to have and to hold” in sickness and in health.That means fucking.
What do you do when one side decides the vows were temporary? How would she handle it?
I work out regularly and stay in good shape. I remove my body hair and try to look sexy . This helps a lot . We also explore kinks together. Been married for 11 years and together for 13. “Plain “ sex can get dull . We mix it up to keep it spicy.
I just wait for the week just after her period, when she’s feeling horny. Otherwise, I don’t bother. It was challenging at first, but gradually I aged out of needing or wanting sex all the time.
>How do you manage?
Start off by assuming it is a lack of desire, not necessarily something wrong with her libido. Keep in mind you have control over how interesting and desirable you are, while she doesn’t control what sparks her interest
I was there. I told my wife I was not there to be a roommate or her cash cow, either get your hormones checked or I’m done being miserable. She got them checked, they were way out of wack. We’re still married.
I used to participate frequently on a sexless marriage forum for a number of years and countless similar accounts.
95% of the time, the issue of a sexless marriage isn’t specifically about something sexual, but rather about a partner feeling a profound disconnection with their spouse, such that they no longer see their spouse as a viable sexual partner, or, that the marriage itself is seen as a trap.
Usually after the divorce, the so-called sexually averse” partner restores his or her sexual libido with a new person.
Sex drops off either after a very significant fight or perspective-altering revelation about a spouse, or after every significant investment in a marriage they really don’t want. Wedding night? Buying a house? Moving? Pregnancy? Look for permanent drop offs with every marital investment.
Remember, you are in the same marriage she is and you don’t feel this way.
Also, don’t assume it’s a low libido on her side (even if she says it is). You don’t have evidence of that (especially if it was not always low). What you DO know is that she doesn’t want to have sex with you. And that there is a reason. What is that reason? Unknown. But it doesn’t necessarily mean she has a low libido.
Maybe have that discussion and then maybe convince her to get a hormone lab done. Believe it or not but if she’s maybe low in something like testosterone (yes, women need it too and if they are unusually low then low libido can follow), or something else could be off. Ask her to get checked out to rule out a medical issue. If she’s good there then I’d at least try counseling.
Leave her!
This sounds overly simplistic but – Did you marry her because you loved her or because you just wanted her for sex.
It becomes less and less important as time goes on.
You both should talk to someone (not the bartender).