I (23) can’t cook anything, make fun of me all you want, I already get made fun of by my own family. Yesterday, I cooked a batch of chicken Alfredo pasta and genuinely enjoyed the process of cooking it. Recently, I’ve been wanting to cook more often to gain some independence and I really like doing it!. Unfortunately, today I wanted to make some pancakes for breakfast and found an easy recipe online but my nparent takes over the fucking kitchen like it has his name on it.
He won’t let me cook. ANYTHING. If i do cook anything or try to cook anything it has to be while he’s at work or he’ll really bitch at me. He will sigh and whine and scream..you name it. I really want to learn how to cook real meals for myself and not rely on eating out or eating their food that has been frozen since I was a child. I really don’t know what to do anymore. My family calls me a “woman child” because I lack independence and basic skills.
Any advice would be extremely helpful
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If you have youtube or look it up on the internet practice a simple one to two person meal on their each time he is not around to sharpen your skills. Then look up other hygiene, social interations, and cleaning skills also. Do what children does and role play scenerios like going to the bank, going to the market for groceries, working at the job, and interacting with others in general. This is a way you can get through life when you feel trapped like you feel right now. Do everything you can to gain these skills in secret. This way ypu know you have these skills in the back of your mind when people make fun of you. For me this makes me feel better and kind of resets my mind.
Omg! So familiar! My dad would always mock me for my cooking. As a teenager, I usually cooked for the whole family. Like my mom would tell me in advance, what to cook after school. So in the evening everyone had what to eat. My mom would sometimes give some tips how to improve, but overall I was good at following her instructions. At this point, my dad was like “its not great, but its better than nothing” (which was a win for me 😅).
However, when I got older and our schedules didnt align anymore, also my mom started working shorter hours, she made dinner for her and my ndad. I was told to either eat leftovers (which I often did) or make myself dinner when there were no leftovers. It was probably 50/50 chance if I’ll find leftovers or not. The problem was, that whenever I was cooking for myself – it could be 6 or 8 or 10 oclock, my dad would come into the kitchen and mock/correct everything I do – from “wrong” spices, to lack of salt (just by looking), from “not cleaning the sink while cooking” or “doing the dishes while cooking”. Anything I did was bad.
I just tried to do quick easy meals, eat (food was not allowed anywhere else in the house) and hide in my room. Sometimes it was really hard to eat with tears in my eyes. He also did not let me to cook, clean the kitchen and leave without eating – “you cooked, so you have to eat it all”. Sometimes I just wanted a break for him, so that I can enjoy my cooking later….
So yeah… Super relatable. I’m not even sure if this is a narc control thing or what. Like in my case, my dad was not angry that I was cooking just for myself. He did not want to even try my food. He usually was coming to the kitchen to grab a bottle of beer or smth and then just stand there “chatting” (mostly by himself). I was just trying not to say or do something wrong.
Tbh, I dont live with my parents for almost 10 years, but when there are friends in my kitchen I get super anxious and have to stop myself from asking “if its okay if I do this or that” (like in my own kitchen! Its just so ingrained in me!).
Honestly, Im so so sorry you are going through this! BUT I think you are not giving enough credit for yourself for recognising, that your dad is wrong, that what he is doing is not normal. I did not for such a long time! You just have to save up enough money and move out. Thats the only way to freedom. Also remember, that while it might mean long months or even years of working and saving – it will be worth it! You are worth of love and, of course, cooking for yourself a nice meal!
While you save up for moving out, try to find a ruitine that irritates your ndad the least. Maybe cook when he is not home and do a double/tripple batch. Then when he is home, just reheat and eat it. Maybe make a bigger pot to share, if you family eat together. So one day he cooks and the other day – you? Maybe try new recipes with your friends (at their place) and at home stick with simpler, already “approved” recipes.
N parents love to make us depend on them, they will literally block you from learning life skills so that they can then use it against you. Ridicule, infantilize, but never teach anything. They need their supply (you) so the supply has to need them. But they also loathe anyone who tries to better themselves in any capacity because it reminds them, however unconsciously, that they are CHOOSING to be awful humans. That we can CHOOSE to evolve, to learn, to grow. To be better.
The most harmful thing nparents do is strip us of our ability to trust ourselves.
They make us feel like we can’t do anything right, so why would you even try, right?
I promise, you won’t blow yourself up with the stove – I had similar fears when I moved into my own apt by myself for the first time. Look up easy recipes, things like stir fries, oven baked chicken, breakfast food. I started with breakfast food, and now have a whole rotation of food I like to cook. It’s not much and I’m not very creative but I learned and I didn’t burn anything down along the way. You can and you will learn too. And I hope one day, sooner than later, you’re able to get away from that living situation.
As for the time being, try going grey rock whenever you can, and highly recommend checking out Dr. Ramani’s work, she’s got a great book “It’s Not You” all about dealing with narcissists when you can’t be no contact (like living with one), she’s also got a YouTube channel with tons of shorter videos on how to deal with narcs.
❤️