What are some of your questions you ask in early dating to filter out trash and or set boundaries and expectations?
Like how does one know a man is financially stable/ wise on the first three dates?
Or like their standards of tidiness?
I just started dating again… and this seems like such a huge waste of my time dating around only to realise the guy is meh…
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I feel like the best way is to find like current events that tie into your no gos so it’s not like a questionnaire but it’s a normal conversation that kinda shows the vibe. Like right now if you’re American you could discuss student loans and 401ks in a way that doesn’t feel intrusive but will prolly let you know where they stand
I always ask about their favorite podcasts because if there’s one thing men will do it’s tell on themselves with their top podcasts.
Tell them no to something and watch how they react.
For financial health, I listen to travel stories or ask about it.
Tidiness… their car is a pretty good indicator but wait until you’re comfortable to drive someplace with them.
I’d say anything you’re interested in learning about them, having your own intro opinion/anecdote and sharing that first and then asking them something related is a pretty solid way to do it.
So I might start off by telling a story from my last vacation and then ask where did they go last or what’s their favorite vacation they’ve taken.
I don’t really go in for test questions, but I do normally bring up that I like country music somewhere in the conversation, which is not popular in my city.
I would say 20-30% of the time I get a “wow, that’s not my thing, what do you like about it?” and 70% of the time I get a “oh god I HATE country, let me spend 20 minutes dunking on the thing you just said you like.” Which is telling.
It’s really crazy how much men will just talk if you are an attentive audience. Like I’ll just say “oh really?” And suddenly men are telling you their whole life story. The trick is believing them when they tell you who they are. When it comes to finances bring up Dave Ramsey and what step you’re on, ask them if they’ve heard of the baby steps… Unfortunately the only way I’ve determined a man’s cleanliness standards is by actually braving the sojourn down to his den.
Classic: ask about their exes and listen to how they talk about them. Are the girls “crazy” or is there some real reflection and kindness in the way he shares the story?
If they have/want kids. If they like pet. How they manage/spend their money. What are their position on environment, abortions rights, politics.
I echo everyone else’s comments. I never ask questions because he’ll either lie or he’s not self aware enough to know the honest answer.
I actually do the opposite: whatever the dude is trying to convince me of, Ill assume he has an agenda about it.
Like one time, a guy said, “I love my job, but Ill always make time for my SO. Quality time is so important.” What I hear is, “At least one of my exes complained enough about me being a workaholic than I feel the need to get ahead of that early on.”
Instead, I see how he reacts to the world and how he treats the people in his life. Does he get irritated easily? If so, about what? Does he make unprompted comments about the people around us? If so, what is he noticing / being judgmental of? Does he ask followup questions about things I mentioned in previous dates? Does he do favors for his friends? How does he treat his niblings, is he just the fun time uncle or is he the sort to keep an eye out for their safety when playing? How does he react when someone makes a mistake around him?
If I do ask questions, it’s about a specific event that happened to him. Something like, what’s the happiest moment youve ever had with your dad? With your mom? How he talks about dad vs mom, Ive found to be a HUGE indicator of his opinion about women.
tdr It’s the unsaid things that are so much more important.
Misread the title…
I was just upfront back when I was dating. I’d ask him if he wanted kids, whether owning a home was something he had as a goal. Whether he wanted a serious relationship and marriage. What he hoped the next five years would look like. What his career goals were, if he had any. What his relationship w his parents/siblings are like. Whether he had savings, and made enough to provide half for a child. I found out the answers to the above by 4 dates with my now husband.
How clean he is, wasn’t noticeable even when I visited his home. Because he cleaned before I came over. Because he knows I’m very into cleanliness.
Ask him how much he makes.
I like to ask in a light-hearted way or even semi joking “I can’t find anything wrong with you, what’re your red flags?” Now, he could easily lie, but his answer regardless of what the actual answer is will be very telling and give you a little insight.
Hygiene is super important to me, so I would ask how they opened the door of a public bathroom to leave the bathroom. If they were confused by the question, I knew I didn’t want them in my home.
My husband gave the correct answer (use an extra napkin or shirt sleeve if desperate) and went on to explain that he judges restaurants by whether they are thoughtful enough to keep a garbage can near the door for the door napkin.
ETA: downvote me all you want, this is a good indicator for whether they are aware of germs and bacteria. You’d be shocked how many men don’t bother washing their hands after using the bathroom.
“Is there anyone in your life currently who would be upset that you’re on this date?”
Specific questions are obvious. Kids, finances, values, etc.
It’s more about how you ask them. And even more about observing how they behave and how they think.
Some people will just tell you what they think you want to hear. So ask questions in an open ended way. It will help nudge things towards honest answers, though it’s not foolproof.
What’s really important is consistency. Are they kind to everyone, or just nice to you? Do their actions match their claims?
Also important is to pay attention to how they react when you say no. You don’t need to create a test situation. Life will give you plenty of opportunities. Set your boundaries, stick to them, and watch how they respond.
How they feel about cats is a big one for me. Any guy who “hates” cats usually has boundary and control issues. All the guys I know who are walking green flags love cats. (Although I also know a few major red flags who also love cats, so it’s not foolproof if they like them, just more telling if they don’t…)
I’d outright ask what they think of feminism, the gay and trans communities. And I’d want to know if they vote, and who they’ve voted for in the last 3 elections.
I don’t date any guy who’s living with their parents at 30s so the only way I could know how tidy they are is coming over to his place and check by myself. Check the washroom first,it normally shows how clean a person is.
For financial stability,umm, I normally don’t ask either. As long as they’re willing to spend money on me to make me happy,that’s all I care when I’m dating them. If I want to be serious then I will ask them about their financial situation: what they own,how much debt they have,…
“Is there anyone who is under the impression that you’re in a relationship with them?”
I usually don’t have to ask many questions. Men
typically talk a lot and will tell on themselves if you are quiet enough. Just observe and listen then you’ll get the answers.
one very easy way in gauging how much a man earns (salary) is via what credit card they use. i don’t believe in paying for first dates so this ties back very nicely into things: different CC’s have different salary requirements, so take note of the card and google it to see how much you have to earn to get one, etc.
i also offer to drop guys back to their cars after the first date to see what kind of car they’re driving, which could be an indicator of earning power and financial stability.
as for the other questions, i just straight out ask lol. i discuss everything and everything on first dates, including marriage, kids, and those timelines (i was looking for both and i don’t have time to waste).