I’m a little jealous of my best friend. We are both single, both pretty willingly, although I would like to find a sweet boyfriend someday. We both have and enjoy casual sex but I don’t have it a ton these days. Anyway, she’s super outgoing and friendly and she has that spark and charm that immediately makes anybody, but especially men, think she’s in love with them. And this is just her personality, she’s not trying to be this way to seduce people lol. She’s 0% interested in being in a relationship right now and is emotionally unavailable.
So she bags a lot of men and I say good for her, but I watch her and am a bit jealous because that’s just not how it works for me. I’m a lot more reserved than her, sure, but she will sleep with guys and SO MANY of them end up telling her they want to be with her, they can see them falling in love, wanting to date her, etc. And she’s very much like lol boy, this is just a hook up. But that has NEVER happened to me once. No one I casually sleep with ever says anything like that to me. She’ll drop a guy and he’ll be texting her weeks or months later saying he can’t stop thinking about her, and that’s like, pretty normal. Again, has never happened with me.
I assume a lot of it has to do with personality. I’ve been told I come off as cold or disinterested before, so literally polar opposite of my friend. I also wonder if men see her as a “challenge to be conquered” because she’s not willing to date anyone and guys with their little pea sized brains are all “I’M gonna be the one to change her mind!”
I just can never find men that I want to sleep with and if I do, they are usually not attractive at all lol. I’d say looks-wise, my friend and I are on a very similar level. It’s just annoying being her friend right now. I’d love to have so many options of men, and I get out and socialize a good amount too, but she has SO many options and I feel like I have none in comparison and I don’t really know why. Any thoughts or insights?
Because I know “comparing” will be brought up, it’s not that I feel I have to keep up with her or anything. I’d LIKE the kind of roster she has and it’s more I’m trying to figure out why I don’t.
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I was your friend. The difference is that she is emotionally unavailable and you are. The men seeking her love the chase, not her and she recognizes that. I eventually settled down and got married.
Live your life. I guarantee that she is not comparing her situation to yours.
I was your friend as well. I was absolutely emotionally unavailable at the time just like her & used to make it clear to men at the outset. But they used to see it as a challenge – as a result, I attracted a lot of the wrong kinda men.
The right man found me when I actually started healing myself and attracting more stable energy.
>I just can never find men that I want to sleep with and if I do, they are usually not attractive at all lol. I’d say looks-wise, my friend and I are on a very similar level, maybe I’m a little more attractive. It’s just annoying being her friend right now. I’d love to have so many options of men, and I get out and socialize a good amount too, but she has SO many options and I feel like I have none in comparison and I don’t really know why.
I’m absolutely not telling you that you should lower your standards, but probably she has so many options because she has different standards to you. Most women can find men to sleep with, it’s just finding a man they want to sleep with who wants to sleep with them that can be the hiccup.
Can I also make a suggestion? Don’t compare your attractiveness with a friend (or anybody). People can be attractive to others for all sorts of reasons, and it’s probably not healthy to be like “I’m actually a little hotter than her but she has more options than me”. This might also be part of the reason she seemingly has “more options”, because you’re focusing on her, and she’s focusing on living her life and having a good time.
I hear you, it’s hard to see someone get the things you want. But girl this comparative mindset with your friend is not healthy for your friendship, or for you. You’re different people with different levels of availability, values, attracting different types of people.
You shared you are jealous so many people want a relationship with her, but you also said you personally are not meeting people you want to sleep with. Just focus on meeting someone you want to be with – if men are desiring her, they arent your person.
Honestly, work on the comparative mindset. It’s toxic to your friendship and it hurts you.
I’ve never had as many men clamoring for my attention and earnestly chasing me as when I was emotionally unavailable and not looking for a relationship.
People want what they can’t have.
There’s a freedom with not actually wanting anyone. I’m in that mindset right now, so talking to guys is way easier. But I don’t want any of them. I like being single. Now, none of them have been convincing either – I’m not attracting men that could change my mind.
You want a man who knows what he wants and is emotionally available. That’s hard to find.
I don’t think it’s you, and there’s nothing wrong with her either. She’s just more free and men like that, but not forever in my experience.
Attention doesn’t equal success. Attention from men doesn’t mean it’s the CORRECT kind of attention. I am that person that just pulls. I’m accidentally flirty, have a lot of interests so a lot of men want the adventure by proxy of someone who is interesting, but because I was not fussed by them, they desired someone that felt unattainable and valuable. It was exhausting trying to discern who was fucking for real and who just wanted a caged bird at times.
I dunno. I’ve only had casual sex with one person and I married them, lol. Thought I was entering my slutty phase but accidentally stumbled on my “for life” person. Lol. Good luck.
The fact that she bags significantly more men before they even know her (it reads like this) means there’s probably an actual difference in attractiveness.
Just accept and move on, no big deal, some mountains are taller than others.
“Guys with their little pea sized brains” is such a casually sexist insult, and shouldn’t be said. And no, such things shouldn’t be said about women either, and I call that out as well when I see it
Men LOVE what they can’t have, they absolutely love the chase
I also think it’s easier to talk to men and be more easygoing when you don’t want anything serious with them. They can pick up on your confidence level – as another commenter here mentioned. When you’re not constantly trying to seek their approval they LOVE that
Confidence is intoxicating to most people. I can only assume she is assertive, and like many others here have said, men want what they can’t have.
Have you considered that you might not be as beautiful/attractive as her? Do you guys have the same style? It is true that some people simply are magnetic and know how to communicate with others, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t become more beautiful and have better communication skills.
Tbh, i hear you. I have been friends with people like her and they’re lovely, but occasionally i do wonder what is wrong with me that i don’t get some similar level of interest. Idk what people are talking about being emotionally unavailable is helpful, i don’t get attentions either way lol. Sorry i don’t have a solution, i just accept it’s most likely a me problem and try not to think too much about it. Something in life is like that 🤷♀️ maybe one day I’d feel compelled to overhaul everything and may get better attention that way, but now I’m not
I do have a friend similar with yours…. It’s not the best on long term….she always, always attracts men who want to prove they can have her, because she does send thelat permanent vibe, and guess what, she always had a very, very hard time finding a good guy that would actually commit to a real relationship. After the first few months, 99.9% of all men she dated started to lose interest like totally and hurt her….
You do NOT have to be jealous of her, really. In a while now, some years, you’ll actually have proven the fact that it’s better to be you.
All I can say is stop comparing, stop counting. Focus on your own game. Focus on how you can be happier. Because happiness is attractive!!
Your friend may be in different phases in her life: fucking around, falling in love, getting married… I can assure you she only thinks about her own game and guess what, when she’s ready to finally commit, because she is so in touch with her inner self she will most likely find her person.